Chapter 13: Kotodama
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth."
― William W. Purkey
xxx
Happy Birthday, Moyashi.
Kanda blinked, staring at his work in slight astonishment. The raven-haired man smacked himself out of his thoughts as he continued to finish up the remaining of his project on hand before he returned to Canada. So many things happened at once yesterday that he had little recollections on what he had been doing at the Christmas party...apart from the kiss and the irritating silver-haired midget. Kanda hissed in frustration as he ruffled up his hair, forcing himself to concentrate, but no matter how hard he tried to block off his thoughts, it would always go back to the silver-haired teen.
He slammed his pen down on the table and stood up, deciding to get himself some breakfast before he continued with his work. Kanda grabbed his coat, wallet and card, opening the door and walking out of the room. He took the lift down to the main lobby, and as the doors opened, calm and soothing music from the cafe rang melodiously at his ears as he walked there and ordered himself a sandwich and a coffee. He then walked to a table at a corner, and as he sat down and waited for his order to come, Kanda took out his phone and fingered it in boredom.
He began recalling that moment when that stupid rabbit asked that stupid beansprout to do such a ridiculous task. Lavi definitely did that on purpose ― their gazes met seconds when he entered the living room, and he saw that devilish grin of his forming on his lips. He knew he was planning something evil up his sleeves, but he had never expected him to ask the midget to kiss him. He wanted to sentence that rabbit to death instantly, but he pushed that aside for now. He was more interested in how that beansprout would react towards this challenge.
Allen turned around and stared at him with wide, shocked eyes. His face were flushed red, and as he noticed an empty glass of beer consumed, Kanda had a slight idea why he looked rather tipsy. Still, he wanted to know what Allen would do ― to accept the challenge like a man, or reject it. He did not have the slightest idea why he was watching this with growing anticipation, and why he was waiting for something between the two of them to happen.
The silver-haired teen slowly stood up and approached him slowly. Their gazes were locked together tightly, refusing to let go of each other. That pair of silver eyes which always looked so appealing shone enticingly in the dim lights, stunning him instantly. His heart throbbed hardly in response, overwhelmed by several unknown emotions coming over him. Kanda felt slightly absurd. Was he so mesmerised by that beansprout's beauty that he could no longer think rationally?
Allen stood close to him and placed his hand on his shoulder. His warmth and scent invaded him all over again, messing up his senses. He could no longer look away from him, could no longer ignore the growing desire to taste him all over again, and the worse thing was, he did not want this to stop.
Their hair strands brushed lightly against their cheeks, and as Allen closed in and kissed him on his lips, something warm within him was sparked instantly, startling him slightly. Kanda could not explain the feeling that he got. It felt...good. It was good, and perhaps something more. Leaning in towards that familiar warmth of his, he wanted to relive the pleasure that they shared during that night.
And he did not know why he felt that way.
"Sir!"
Sapphire eyes blinked for a moment. Kanda slowly looked up in a slight daze, seeing the waiter waving a paper bag at the counter. The raven-haired man stood up and walked over to collect his breakfast.
Is it really that amusing to see me fell into this state? I'm already beyond pathetic right now, so stop humiliating me and let me go, Kanda!
He had thousands of reasons to push Allen away, yet part of him did not want to let him go. The more Allen showed such a painful expression on his face, the more he did not want to let him go. He did not want to let that beansprout go.
Please don't let him wait for too long. If you have no feelings for him, please tell Allen such that he can officially move on.
Why?
"Kanda!" He looked ahead, seeing the red-haired girl waving at him at the entrance. Kanda just stared in silence as she went to him, panting slightly. The raven-haired man was wondering why she knew where he was currently living, and after several thoughts, he remembered that he was to return the thumb drive to her for research.
"Here to buy breakfast?" She asked. Kanda merely nodded his head and proceeded to the main lobby. The doors slowly closed and the lift was ascending to the 8th floor.
"Are you alright, Kanda? You don't seem to be...yourself." Mandy peered at him in concern, tidying up her thick locks of hair with a bright silver-coloured hairband. He just stared at her ― or rather, the accessory on her head in silence. It shimmered beautifully through the sunlight, and somehow, he could see the same shimmer reflected from his silvery orbs. Kanda hissed as he felt his hurting forehead at that memory.
"Kanda..." There was a loud ring, before the doors opened. Kanda walked out and went to his room, his hand slipping into his tight pocket to get his card for access. As he was about to slot it in, something grabbed his wrist. Kanda stared at the hand, before he turned to her.
"Did...anything happen?"
He wasn't sure whether anything really happened, or whether he was really alright when he shouldn't be. He was acting calmer than he thought to be. His mind was blank, and his heart just felt numb and...nothing, though he could not deny a slight tinge of pain within himself, and it only stung harder at the thought of a certain beansprout. And it really felt unbearable. The raven-haired man couldn't understand. He was supposed to cast all his feelings and emotions away, long when he was still an Exorcist. Everything should have been long gone, yet...
"Nothing happen." Kanda inserted the card into the card slot. A soft beep was heard, before the door unlocked by itself. He walked over to his desk and plucked out the thumb drive from his laptop. The raven-haired man turned around and was about to return it to her when he stopped.
"I didn't know that you live in such a beautiful room, Kanda! The view here is just so breath-taking!" Mandy exclaimed in excitement as she rushed over to the windows and looked down, her eyes sparkling and her lips curving into a large smile. Kanda just stared, slightly shocked and stunned. The way she reacted, the way she smiled, the words she spoke ― all were the same as that beansprout. It was as though he was seeing that silver-haired teen again, running around the room with such inquisitive eyes and pure expressions on his face. He almost answered, before remembering that she wasn't him. Allen wasn't here. He already left, and he was not coming back.
I got it.
There had been too much memories of Allen Walker. Too much, till he could not handle it anymore...
If you intended on making me feel humiliated, playing around my feelings for you, you have succeeded.
"Kanda, aren't you going to give me my thumb drive?" Mandy asked in a slight frown. Kanda nodded his head and handed her a dark-red thumb drive with a small cute key chain attached at its end. She took it and smiled.
"So when are you leaving, Kanda?"
"28 December." Mandy flinched, before turning to look at him in shock.
"So fast?"
"The boss asked me to return to the main office early and take up another major project from another client," The raven-haired man replied as he pulled the curtains aside, letting more of the sunlight to enter the room and brighten up the area. He then noticed his sketch book at the edge of the desk, remembering that particular sketch he drew. Normally he would throw away anything which were insignificant to him without hesitation. This drawing was obviously something unnecessary, totally not related to him or his work, so why was he still keeping it?
Was there any reason to keep it?
"I see. I probably will only return around early January. Don't wanna miss the great scenery and the beautiful structures in London. Though I'm kinda envious of you to be able to take up another big project," Mandy said with a slight pout, playing with the thumb drive in her hand.
"You can, if you work harder," Kanda answered with a slight snort. Now that his current assignment was completed, he had nothing to do for the next two days till his departure for Canada. It might be a good idea to explore around the city before he left. Other than the beauty of the city, there wasn't anything in this place which was holding him back. There wasn't anything...anything that was holding him back...
Kanda.
Kanda stepped into the washroom located at the far corner of the bedroom, turning on the water tap as he splashed cold water roughly onto his face. The coldness stung his skin so hardly that it reddened a little, and the feeling was slowly numbed. He slowly looked up, seeing his reflection and the droplets of water slowly dripping down into the sink from the smooth ends of his raven strands.
Kanda.
Sapphire eyes slowly narrowed, his hand reaching out to that very spot at his chest where his curse previously was, and where his erratic heartbeats were throbbing hardly every second.
Mandy blinked at a sketch book lying on the table. Being curious on what the raven-haired man always drew which got the attentions of most of the company's clients and the boss's constant praises, she opened the book slightly to take a peek on the pictures. Her eyes blinked in awe and amazement as she read through the pages, and when she flipped to that particular sketch, she stopped. Glancing through the thick and thin outlines of the work, her eyes slowly widened at the familiarity of this drawing.
She remembered him. He was that silver-haired teen who was somehow related to Kanda in a way. The sketch was beautifully done, outlining every bit of the detail and drawing out the forlorn expression of the silver-haired teen when he was looking afar very clearly. But...why would Kanda draw a portrait of him? She recalled that Kanda never accepted requests of drawing anyone unless it was purely for his assignment and research. Mandy peered at the picture for a moment, before she slowly put down the sketch book on the table.
"What are you doing?" She turned around abruptly, slightly shocked to see Kanda behind. Mandy laughed sheepishly as she stepped back from the table, keeping a distance between herself and the sketch book.
"Nothing. I guess I have to go." The red-haired girl walked to the door and opened it, walking out of the room. She closed the door behind her, not caring whether the raven-haired man wanted to speak to her or not. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to listen either. Mandy went into the lift, thinking back to that moment when she saw the portrait of someone which should not be present in that person's book. Kanda did not seem to be in his mood lately as well. She wondered whether these two things were related.
Kanda decided to go out and walk around the city of London for today.
He boarded the bus, sitting down at the right side as he peered at the streets from the window. It was late morning, and most people were awake, on their way to do what they wanted to do. The vehicle was now driving over the London Tower Bridge, and as the sun rose to the peak of the sky, he could see the shimmering surface of the river, glistening brightly like pure jewels. He took out his camera and snapped a photo of it.
The bus slowly stopped, and Kanda alighted on the street, grabbing his sling bag tightly by his side as he adjusted his silvery winter cap on his head. He walked forward, observing the old buildings and the road signs surrounding the whole town. The raven-haired man then turned at the first traffic junction, seeing Foyles, one of the most famous bookshops available in London which had every kind of book that one wanted to find. Kanda stepped in, warm air blowing at his face as he was greeted with shelves of books around.
He walked through the crowd carefully, searching for the books which were related to interior design. Something caught his eye and he stopped, taking out a golden-coated book about interior design written by a renown author. Kanda flipped it open, skimming through the words quickly. To his slight surprise, he found more books which would be helpful for his research. Kanda walked quickly from shelf to shelf, not noticing a young woman in front as the two of them collided into each other, dropping their books. She muttered an apology as she bent down to pick up the books. Sapphire eyes narrowed in slight irritation, but he bent down and helped her out as well.
"Your books," She handed him the books, and as their eyes met each other, he stiffened slightly at her silvery orbs which reminded him so much of the beansprout. He always thought that there was no one he met who had the same exotic eyes as Allen. Kanda took his books and walked away immediately, not wanting to stay. He went over to the counter to pay for the books, and as he was about to walk out of the door when he halted in his footsteps, picking up an extremely familiar scent which only belonged to that beansprout. His head whipped around as Kanda searched through the crowded area, but there was no signs of Allen Walker.
I must have mistaken. Kanda thought.
But what exactly am I anticipating? Sapphire eyes narrowed for a moment, before the raven-haired man walked out of the bookstore.
Seconds later, a silver-haired teen emerged out of the crowd, taking a basket of books to the counter for payment.
"There are so many books here! Really thank you so much for bringing me here, Allen!" Rou Fa exclaimed in happiness as she stared at the large bag of books she had bought.
"I'm glad for that. Since you are going back tonight, I must well show you around London before you go," Allen replied with a smile. She nodded her head in agreement. It was slightly saddening to know that the brunette, Fou, Bak and Wong were returning back to Norway due to their work, but this year's Christmas had never been so enjoyable without their appearances. It was only right for him to repay back for the wonderful presents he received from them.
Though he wasn't sure when Kanda was leaving this place. Was he going to allow Kanda to leave again, just like that particular night when he pulled away from him, leaving without answers to his feelings for him? Allen swallowed as his arms slowly hugged his chest tightly, trying to conceal the unbearable feeling surfacing whenever he thought of Kanda who was going to leave. Through the days, he had done too much, till it crossed beyond the line. He could no longer stop the growing affection for the raven-haired man which was escalating at an increasingly fast rate, and now, to think that he was going to leave eventually...
"Are you cold, Allen?" Rou Fa asked in concern. Allen realised that they had stopped walking. He released his grip as his arms slowly fell beside his body. The silver-haired teen then smiled and shook his head.
"I'm alright."
He could see that Rou Fa wasn't really believing what he said, but he wished that she wouldn't probe further, because he did not know just how long he could hold back the overwhelming emotions which was about to burst. Allen forced out another smile as he pulled her arm, gesturing her to continue. The brunette blushed at his action, but followed him as they continued their last journey in London.
They passed by many eateries with different kinds of cuisines and snacks for them to enjoy. Rou Fa stared at the delicious-looking cakes displaying behind the glass, beckoning Allen to come over and look. Their stomachs growled and whined pleadingly, and after several considerations, they decided to go into a cafe to satisfy their craves. They went from cafe to cafe, trying different types of mouthwatering small bites and groaning in pleasure at the creamy feeling at their mouths.
After filling up their stomachs, they decided to do some shopping. Rou Fa ran into a department store and literally squealed at the cute mickey mouse hair band. She put it on and stared at the mirror, admiring herself. The brunette then suggested that he should try it as well. Allen blinked and refused immediately, but after some arguments and messing up of his hair, the hair band was found on a certain silver-haired teen's head as Allen glared at his slightly revolting look in the mirror.
"You look so cute, Allen!" Rou Fa exclaimed, snapping a picture of him. Allen flushed slightly and took it off, walking out of the store. They walked along the bustling street, admiring at the different kinds of fashion and trying out trendy outfits just for the pure of fun. They took photos of their funny postures and expressions they made, laughing all the way as they looked at them.
They stopped at the side of the street, catching their breaths and calming themselves down.
"Thank you...for bringing me out, Allen." Rou Fa smiled in gratitude.
"Why the sudden...?" Allen asked, blinking in slight bewilderment. She let out a sigh and turned around, leaning against the glass pane of another shop which was selling accessories.
"I know...that you do not like me in that way."
Silver eyes widened slightly as he stared at her.
"I somehow understood it, even though you did not tell me at that time. You even helped me out during that game. It's...more than enough," She replied softly, glancing at the concrete floor in front of her, her lips forming a thin and solemn smile.
"I'm sorry," He said, not knowing what to say.
"Thanks to you, we have created so much beautiful memories, inside here." Rou Fa pointed to the camera strapped at her neck. Allen smiled and nodded his head. Even though he did not like her, she was one of his special friends he had met in his life, and he was so glad that he met her at that time when he needed help the most. He cherished the happy times they had when he was recovering in the Asian Branch, along with the rest as well, and he was thankful for their encouragements when his mood was at its lowest. Without them, he doubted that he could come this far. Without them, he doubted he could even be alive.
They smiled and hugged each other. Rou Fa blushed slightly as she got out of the embrace.
"I guess I have to go."
"So early?" Allen asked in slight astonishment. It was still three in the early afternoon.
"Yeah. I want to spend the rest of my time with Fou and the rest before we leave for Norway," The brunette answered with a smile.
"I see. I hope to see you again."
"Me too."
She turned and was about to go when she stopped. Allen blinked in slight puzzlement, wondering whether she got any more to say to him.
"If you have something you want to do, do it. Don't make yourself regret for the rest of your life."
Silver eyes widened. Rou Fa left, and Allen stood there, pondering at what she had said. Memories of him and Kanda flashed momentarily in his mind, and he realised what she really meant by those words. Like her, Kanda was not going to stay here forever. He was going to leave, and he wasn't sure whether they could meet again. His foot jerked, having the urge to find the former swordsman, but something held him back. Even though Kanda kissed him twice, it was because of a game and mere impulse which meant nothing to the both of them. Even if he found Kanda, nothing would change. His heart was already left unanswered three years ago.
The silver-haired teen walked aimlessly on the streets. Having nothing to do, Allen decided to go home. As he was about to turn, his shoulder bumped into someone. He stumbled slightly and looked up, a little surprised to see Tiedoll in front of him.
"Froi-san?"
"Allen! Never thought to see you here!" The old man exclaimed. He was wearing a large grey windbreaker with a thick dark navy scarf wrapped around his neck. The silver-haired teen then noticed a sketch book under his arm. No matter where he went, the former general would always carry his own sketch book and draw anything which got his attention.
"Aah, I plan to spend my time today to look for beautiful sculptures and scenery views to draw in my book. It looks like I have lost my way here," He sighed, staring at the foreign surroundings.
"I show you around? There are many beautiful pieces of art and sculptures in London, and some are linked deep down in history," Allen suggested.
"That would be good! Thank you, Allen," Tiedoll said with a smile. Allen smiled back in return and led them out of the shopping district to take a bus to their destination.
They travelled to many places, from Hampton Court Palace to view the exotic buildings, the St Paul's Cathedral to the Kensington Palace, a residence of the British Royal Family since the 17th century. The old man was clearly enjoying the whole trip, his eyes brightening in excitement and awe as he drew what he saw into his sketch book. Allen watched him in silence, remembering the drawing on him in Kanda's sketch book. His heart clenched, and he closed his eyes, trying to erase everything related to the raven-haired man.
"Thinking of Yuu-kun?"
Silver eyes flew open as Allen stared at him in shock. Tiedoll chuckled in amusement as he peered at the scenery, before he continued in his drawing again.
"That son of mine is always slow in realising his feelings. He always does things as though it should be done with the results he expects. But sometimes, things don't always go in the way you expect it to be."
"I wasn't―"
"Wasn't thinking of him? Do not lie to your own feelings, Allen," Tiedoll said sternly. Allen slowly closed his mouth and stared at him in slight astonishment. The old man just let out a soft sigh.
"Yuu-kun is leaving on the 28th of December, taking the ten o'clock flight back to Canada."
Kanda leaned against the London bridge, enjoying the cooling breeze as he drank a warm cup of latte in his hands. The raven-haired man seeped the warm coffee down his throat, letting out a breathy sigh. He stared across the bright orange horizon of the evening sun, his boots tapping lightly on the stone-tiled ground. Many vehicles passed by, and many kinds of people walked past the bridge, having different destinations they had to go, but where exactly would they end up at the end of their road? And what decision would they make such that they would go to the final destination that they wanted to go in the end?
What road would he choose to go in the end? What would he choose?
Who...would he choose?
"If you hate me, why are you doing this? Why are you...holding me back?" Allen asked in a soft yet pleading tone.
"That is because you are the person that is fucking holding me back!" Kanda yelled back, anger reflected in his eyes.
"I couldn't erase you from my mind. Ever since you left like this, I kept thinking about you till it was literally driving me crazy! I also do not know what the hell is wrong with me, but something just struck within me that something strange was definitely happening to you that night, and I have to find answers to it, or else those memories would not leave me alone!"
"Why do you care?" The silver-haired teen questioned him in return at why he could even bother to scold him for being a dumbass who did not look out and almost crashed onto a lamp post.
"You think this is funny, but I think it is extremely not funny...are you joking around with me? Are you...that oblivious?" Allen asked in the hotel room, having a grim expression formed on his face as he stared at Kanda.
"Is it really that amusing to see me fell into this state? I'm already beyond pathetic right now, so stop humiliating me and let me go, Kanda!" The silver-haired teen yelled hoarsely at the top of his voice, pushing him away hardly.
"I got it. If you intended on making me feel humiliated, playing around my feelings for you, you have succeeded." A bitter smile was formed at his lips as Allen stared at him with an emotionless face. There was no sadness, no signs of fatigue, nothing at all. Just a face void of emotions.
"You have to face your own feelings, Kanda. It is the best choice for the both of you."
Memories of him and Allen Walker began to play inside his mind, from the day they first met in a park, just right beside the Christmas tree, that particular night when he pulled Allen in for a heated kiss for no reason and the Truth and Dare game which ended up having the two of them kissing each other again. His voice, his smile, his every movements and behaviour ― all of him were deeply etched inside his memory. His heart always thumped hardly at the thought of the beansprout's distant and hurting look whenever he was staring at him.
"Kanda, do you like Allen?"
"It is because...I love you." He whispered at his ear, before he left.
I love you.
I love you.
His long nails clawed against the rough surface of the stone railing of the bridge. Leaving his cup of coffee on the railing, Kanda turned, his raven strands flying gracefully in the moving wind as they descended messily across his shoulders. Some girls stopped by and awed at the beauty they were seeing, but he did not notice and was going his way towards the direction of Lenalee's house. Seeing the traffic light turning green within metres away, the raven-haired man was about to cross at the junction when he felt a tug at his long sleeves, stopping him halfway. Sapphire eyes widened slightly in astonishment as he stumbled backwards, before he turned and saw Mandy in front of him.
"Mandy?"
His heart thumped hardly, his eyes widened in shock, and he found himself unable to breathe all of a sudden. All the sounds around him gradually left his ears, and as the silver-haired teen stared at the blank ground in a daze, he wondered whether he was still conscious of the world that he was living in. Allen then choked and coughed uncontrollably as everything all rushed back to him instantly ― the times being an Exorcist, the memories the two of them shared together, the feelings he had towards him and the pain he had to bear as a consequence for falling in love with someone like him. His body ached, his head spun, and his heart wrenched greatly in pain.
"Allen?" Tiedoll went to him and gave him several gentle pats on his back. Allen took in a deep breath as he managed to calm himself down. He felt something being put onto his hand. Staring down at the white card which had the name of the only hotel he visited just days ago, silver eyes slowly widened as he looked up at the old man with a slight dumbfounded expression.
"Please help me return this to him. This shall be the last excuse I give to you as a farewell present," Tiedoll said with a wink.
"Wh-What..." Allen stared at the card, speechless.
"I hope that you won't do something which will make you regret for the rest of your life. Now, let me enjoy the rest of the day for my inspirations. Oh, you don't need to accompany me anymore, Allen. I know my way through here." Before the silver-haired teen could say anything, the former general walked away to admire the magnificent view of the palace which was still maintained in good condition.
Allen just remained at his position with a stunned look on his face, recalling the words that the former general had said to him. He had always tried denying his feelings for the raven-haired man when he realised that he was starting to fall in love with Kanda. Three years ago, he pushed him away and decided to keep that heated feelings behind and move on with life. Three years after, their paths fatefully crossed with each other, and the faded feelings soon returned, only getting stronger when he was facing the Kanda Yuu who was so different compared to the past. After giving him so many confusing signals, that baKanda was going back just like that? His hands slowly clenched tightly in anger.
Yuu-kun is leaving on the 28th of December, taking the ten o'clock flight back to Canada.
He turned and ran.
Kanda turned and stared at the auburn-haired girl in front of him in slight bewilderment.
"Mandy?"
"Where are you going, Kanda?" She demanded firmly. He did not know what was into her, and why her piercing tone was making him slightly uncomfortable, as though she was not the Mandy he knew. The raven-haired man frowned as he tried to pull his arm away, but she refused to let it go.
"What are you doing, Mandy?"
"Answer me first. Where are you going?" She asked back coldly. Kanda was silent for a moment, showing no signs of emotions on his face. The sky was slowly darkening in the late evening, and as minutes slowly went by, many people passed by them, crossing the roads at the traffic junction. His dark sapphire eyes were fixated onto her, giving her an extremely chilling feeling.
"I'm here for a walk," He replied in a monotone voice, even though he knew that his hotel was directly at the opposite direction of where he was heading. He did not know that he could lie so well at this kind of situation, and he had no idea why he was lying to Mandy about this.
"A walk?" She asked him.
"Yes," He answered her, showing a straight face.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"You are lying."
Sapphire eyes widened slightly at the words she used. Mandy loosened her grip on his arm as she stepped closer to him, so near that he could smell her light lavender perfume scent which she always sprayed at her neck and on her wrists.
"You...are going to find him, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you are talking about. I have to go." The raven-haired man turned and was about to cross the road when she screamed out loud.
"That guy in the drawing!"
Kanda halted in his footsteps, his eyes widening in shock. The green pedestrian traffic light continued to flash brightly at his face, before it turned red. The street lights were switched on soon after, and vehicles began to drive on the roads.
"His name is...Allen right? Are you going to find him now?"
Kanda wanted to deny it, but realised that he couldn't. He couldn't find any words to rebuke back the question that she asked.
He just stood there in silence, and as he felt a tug at his arm, Kanda turned around, only to see Mandy reaching out to him, her hands wrapping around his neck tightly as she closed in and kissed him on his lips.
The silver-haired teen rushed down the stairs and sped out into the streets, looking around in desperation. Allen then took off in whatever direction he presumed was the direction where Kanda would be, his feet sprinting at a flying speed, his arms dodging quickly at the people in his way, and his heart pounding extremely fast like never before. He could not even tell where he exactly was, and what he exactly was doing. After procrastinating and contemplating to himself countless times on how he should look upon the relationship between him and Kanda, and the advices he received from his friends, he knew he couldn't just let this go. Not when he got an exact answer from Kanda who was reacting in ways he did not expect him to be.
Allen stopped at the parade square ― the place where he was during Christmas Eve, the place where Kanda was, the place where the raven-haired man drew a picture of him. Memories of all the things that happened on that day ― from the bus breaking down to spending a night at a hotel where Kanda was currently living ― flashed in his mind repeatedly.
He crossed the roads hurriedly, his eyes darting every corners of the streets, so afraid that he would miss the raven-haired man if he wasn't cautious enough. Allen gasped as his foot slipped on the thin ice, causing him to fall and sprain his ankle slightly. He gritted his teeth as he forced himself up to his feet and continued on with the search, ignoring the pain which meant nothing to him. Even though only few minutes had passed, to him, it felt as though a decade had gone by, and he was afraid that when he woke up from this dream, Kanda would not be here anymore...
Suddenly, something familiar caught his eye. He skidded to a halt, spotting a tall figure who looked like Kanda. Allen walked closer, seeing that the raven-haired man wasn't alone. He was holding someone in such an intimate way, his face hidden behind his fluttering raven hair locks, entangled together with hair strands of deep crimson red similar to the colour of a maple leaf. His breath hitched, and he thought that the person might be Lavi by chance, but Lavi's hair was never this long, and his body was never this skinny and small-built.
Lavi was never shorter than Kanda.
Silver eyes slowly widened as the two beings slowly separated, still leaning close to each other. His heart slowed down, painful with each beat, and the strong determination to find the raven-haired man slowly diminished into nothing.
I hope that you won't do something which will make you regret for the rest of your life.
Does it even matter now?
"...Moyashi?" Kanda was staring at him with wide eyes. The girl beside him turned, and Allen instantly knew who she was. It hurt, and even though he swore to himself so many times to forget him, it still hurt so badly, as though thousands of needles were piercing through his heart mercilessly, again and again and again. His cold body shook violently, his breath choked at his windpipe, and tears began to fall. No matter how hard he tried to clean them off, the tears wouldn't stop. That excruciating feeling he got wouldn't stop, breaking his broken heart again and again.
Allen turned and walked away. He had to pretend that everything was alright; that nothing serious had happened. The silver-haired teen swallowed bitterly as he wiped off his tears, his pace slowly increasing. Before he realised it, he found himself running as fast as he could.
"Moyashi!" Kanda was about to run after him when he was pulled back by a hand which refused to let go. He turned and stared at the auburn-haired girl who shook her head.
"Please don't go."
"Mandy―"
"I like you."
Sapphire eyes slowly widened in astonishment at the sudden confession. That pair of maroon eyes was looking at him pleadingly, and he knew that what she meant was not to go after Allen. Kanda frowned, turning back to the direction where Allen left. That familiar sweet scent was becoming fainter each second, and his shadow was getting further and further away from his reach. He stared at his fading silhouette, his mind going back to that night, the last day in the Order before they went separate ways.
"So...Kanda?"
"What?"
"Where are you heading from tomorrow onwards?"
"Not sure. Probably returning back to Japan."
"I see. That's good! You must have missed your hometown a lot right? After all, you have not gone back for years."
"No."
"I see."
"Why are you acting so strange today, Moyashi?"
"I...don't know."
Allen left, and he was slowly realising what love really was.
"Sorry."
Her eyes widened in shock as Kanda's wrist was slowly slipping off her hand. She could feel the soft brush of his warm fingers tickling against her skin, before the warmth completely disappeared and her hand slowly turning numb and cold once again. Mandy looked up at Kanda who was heading off to the direction where the silver-haired teen went to. Her hand wanted to reach out and stop him again, but it halted mid-air, no longer able to move. She knew that it would be the last time she would see him again here in London, and the very last time she could love him. Although he did not say it, she knew that he did not love him but someone else. Someone else, and not her...
"Kanda..."
Kanda slowly stopped at the traffic light, seconds before it turned green. He turned back and stared at her. He did not know what to say to her, whether it was for comforting her for not able to return back her feelings, or simply to bid farewell to her since this would probably the last time he would see her again till they met for work in the office in Canada. He lowered his head for a moment, and as the traffic light for the pedestrian turned green, the raven-haired man looked up at her and said the word both of them least expected to hear from each other. And when he said that word, he somehow understood how Allen felt at that night when he left.
"Sorry."
He turned and left. She just stood at her position, watching his silhouette solemnly as his shadow gradually disappeared into the darkness. The traffic light flashed for a few seconds, before it turned red again. Mandy felt her cold lips, wishing that his warmth and that fluttering sensation when they kissed were still there, but unfortunately, it was long gone, at that moment when he let go of her hand. Her hands touched her face as warm tears started falling down her cheeks, drowning her heart and her emotions.
Allen ran across streets, not daring to turn back and see whether Kanda was catching up to him or not. Part of him wished that the raven-haired man was still behind him, part of him feared that if Kanda was able to reach him, he might not be able to push away his feelings for him. After what he had seen just now, he did not want to have a second heartbreak. The silver-haired teen sprinted across crowds of people in town, and as he reached a corner of the street, he let out a gasp as an incoming bicycle rammed hardly onto the side of his right shoulder, causing him to slip and fall onto the cold ground.
"Are you alright?" The young cyclist came down his bike to check on him. Allen winced in pain as he gripped his shoulder and stood up to his feet. His knee was bruised slightly, but this was not the time to worry about his injuries. He shook his head to tell him that he was alright, and before the cyclist could say anything, he ran off again, not wanting Kanda to find him when he was in such pathetic state. His nose then caught a light yet familiar scent of jasmine, and Allen instantly knew who he was.
"Moyashi! Oi, wait up! Moyashi!" Kanda shouted, reaching out and grabbing his arm. Allen pulled his hand away and continued to run. He spotted an approaching bus and was about to board it when a hand grabbed his wrist tightly and pulled him forcefully to an empty alley. The both of them came to a stop, and as Kanda finally released his hold, Allen yanked his wrist away and glared hardly at him.
"What do you think you are doing?"
"It's because you are running away from me," Kanda replied back with a soft hiss.
"Well, do I have a choice?" Allen scoffed loudly in sarcasm. "And don't be mistaken. I ran because you are chasing me."
"Then why did you run when you saw me?" Kanda demanded, his eyes piercing at him. Allen frowned, not understanding what he was angry for when he should be the one who was infuriated.
"I do not want to disturb the two of you together," The silver-haired teen answered coolly, not having the mood to explain further.
"Is it really like that?" Kanda asked, grabbing his arm again as he pulled him closer. Silver eyes widened slightly at the extreme closeness between the two of them and the heat which was slowly invading his body. He stared in his sapphire eyes which looked so cold and yet, he seems to be able to see some emotions reflected in them. As that intoxicating scent of his began to fill the air, Allen found himself looking away, hard to focus on the raven-haired man.
"...Yes."
Kanda leaned even closer.
"Is it?"
Silver eyes stared at the ground, biting his lips to hold back a moan when his breathy whispers blew lightly at his ear. He wished that the other would not hear his heartbeats which was pounding loudly inside his chest right now. He did not expect Kanda to be making the direct moves, since that blockhead did not reach much when he confessed to him, and now, he was not used to this side of Kanda all of a sudden.
"You are lying."
Allen frowned as he stared at him, feeling greatly absurd and completely stupefied at his blunt words and the arrogant way when he said them. What did he expect him to say? That he felt so jealous and so heartbroken when he saw him kissing another girl in front of his very eyes? This was just plain ridiculous.
"Do I have any reason to lie?"
"Because you like me."
"Don't you even say that," The silver-haired teen snarled angrily, his glare hardening as silver eyes snapped up and pierced at the raven-haired man with rage. "Don't you even say that in front of me. I do not like you anymore. Not anymore." He hated how Kanda said that sentence so casually when he completely could not understand just how significant and heavy the meaning of this sentence was. Not to mention that he did not like him at all!
"Is it?" Kanda said with a soft chuckle, his beautiful sapphire eyes peering at him with mixed emotions he couldn't identify. That low yet melodious voice rumbled deeply inside his ears, and Allen wished that Kanda could just laugh a little more, to hear more of his deep baritone voice. The raven-haired man then approached him slowly, and Allen found himself stepping back at the same time, their gazes never broke contact with each other.
"If you do not like me, you would not blush madly like a girl when you see me."
"Wh―! I don't―!" Allen retorted, his face flushing a rosy red at that direct remark, but was cut off as Kanda continued.
"If you do not like me, you would not kiss me back, no matter how I force you to do so," Kanda said, pushing the beansprout to a dead end as he slammed his hands on the wall, trapping him in place. Allen fidgeted slightly in his position, before the silver-haired teen stared at him in silence.
"If you do not like me..." His rich baritone voice trailed off lightly as Kanda leaned in, his warm breath lingering just centimetres away from his very own lips. "...you would not run away when you see me."
The wind blew across their faces, tangling up both of their hair strands together as they slowly covered their faces from view. His hand slowly reached out to the other, his fingers entangled with his raven hair strands as he touched his face lightly. It felt so cold and yet so...warm. Silver eyes stared into sapphire eyes deeply in silence, and as he felt the other leaning even closer to him, till their bodies were literally onto each other, his eyes slowly fluttered close as he felt something warm and familiar pressing softly on his lips. His mouth parted slightly, allowing the tongue of the other to slip into his wet cavern. His warmth and fiery heat gradually enveloped him whole, and Allen moaned into this gentle and sensual kiss which numbed his senses completely. The pain and agony he experienced was long forgotten, and right now, he just wanted this to continue.
After a while, their lips parted, both of them breathing heavily from the kiss. Allen could feel that his heart was about to burst. His hazy eyes looked up blankly at sapphire eyes which always never failed to give a slight jolt in his emotions.
"I ask you again. Do you like me, Allen?"
His eyes closed, tears streaming down his face. His lips parted, but the words he wanted to say were stuck at his throat. Allen stifled out a silent sob as he leaned lightly against his broad chest, his hands clutching onto his shoulders tightly. Kanda said nothing and just remained there, his existence acting as a comfort for the beansprout as Allen continued to cry.
As the clock tower of Big Ben hit nine in the peaceful night of London, the two of them were sitting outside a cafe, enjoying the night view and a warm cup of latte each in their hand. Allen was stirring his beverage in slight boredom while Kanda was sipping his latte in small mouthfuls, before he put the cup down and began to check for any messages which he might have missed in the evening.
"Kanda, are you leaving on the 28th?" Allen asked, peering at the raven-haired man in slight curiosity.
"Mmhm." Kanda voiced out a silent reply as he continued to stare at his phone, reading the latest message which was sent from his boss in Canada. Allen frowned at his indifferent attitude and decided to focus on drinking his coffee for now. That baKanda had totally no idea just how saddened he was when he heard that he was going back to Canada in two days time. At the thought of it, he gave a long pout and took up his cup, intending to gulp down the beverage in one shot, only to choke and cough everything out as the hot beverage scortched his tongue and lips.
"Are you dumb or what?" Kanda muttered as he put down his phone and patted his back, taking a piece of tissue and began cleaning the corners of his mouth. Allen stared at him for a moment, studying his face features and his hair strands which he badly wanted to fondle with. Realising that he stared too much, the silver-haired teen looked away and snatched the tissue from his hand to clean his lips himself. Kanda smirked and let out a light chuckle, before he took up his phone and continued typing his message.
Allen sat there, pondering on how he should spend the next two days with Kanda before he departed for Canada. He realised that they hadn't spend much time together even though so many things had happened between the two of them. He glanced at the raven-haired man who was gazing at the roads, deep in his thoughts. After missing so many chances, he was not going to let him go.
Kanda blinked, feeling something warm touching his hand. He turned and stared at Allen in slight bewilderment.
"Let's have a whole day out to ourselves tomorrow, Kanda!" Allen said with a smile on his face. Kanda just stared at him in silence. The silver-haired teen then redrew his hand and took the cup of coffee with both hands, peering at the night sky filled with small stars twinkling beautifully.
"I realise that we have missed so many chances. We fought, quarrelled, and there were so many misunderstandings between us. Now, I want to cherish the moments I have with you, until you return to Canada."
"Hmm, okay," Kanda replied. Allen blinked and stared at him in slight astonishment, not believing that this baKanda could just agree so readily. The raven-haired man noticed that dumbfounded look on that beansprout's face and smirked in amusement.
"You don't want to? I'm fine with that as well..."
"Of course we have to go!" Allen rebuked quickly. "I will plan the schedule, so you just have to meet me at..." He paused for a moment, pondering. "...meet me at the Christmas tree in the park where we first met."
The park which held so many memories of the both of them when they first met after three years. He changed a lot, while Allen seems to look the same. The only thing that changed was their relationship, and now...
"I meet you there at eight in the morning?"
"Fine with me."
Allen grimaced slightly at the cold wind which blew directly at his face. Kanda's hair fluttered lightly in the air, before they slowly fell onto his shoulders. A smile slowly formed at his lips as the silver-haired teen touched his soft strands of his raven hair, gaining the attention of the other. Silver eyes were half-lidded as he leaned towards the raven-haired man.
"Tell me, Kanda. What do you like of me?" He whispered.
Sapphire eyes widened, and though the lights were dimmed and he couldn't really see what expression Kanda was making, but he knew that the raven-haired man was definitely embarrassed from his words. Allen smirked in triumphant.
"Che. I don't know what you are talking about," Kanda muttered as he stood up and walked out of the cafe. Allen just stared at his shadow and chuckled to himself. He finished up his latte, before he put the cup down on the wooden table and got up, running after the raven-haired man.
"Wait for me, Kanda!"
Even though Kanda did not say it, Allen somehow knew what the answer would be.
Kotodama: The Japanese belief that mystical powers dwell in words and names. English translations include "soul of language", "spirit of language", "power of language", "power word", "magic word", and "sacred sound". The notion of kotodama presupposes that sounds can magically affect objects, and that ritual word usages can influence our environment, body, mind and soul. ―Wikipedia
Hello! Really sorry for the late update. I have to do a major edit for this chapter after I came back from Korea (btw, this place is simply awesome! Go there if you have the time!).
As you all have noticed, there are many recollections in italics in this chapter which are mostly in Kanda's POV, showing how he came to a conclusion on how he was going to face Allen's feelings. Most recollections are in the chapters of Colourful Moments, while a part of his recollections is based off the prequel story 'Before Dawn' when Mandy was stopping Kanda from going to Allen. Please read it again if you are not sure what the conversation was about.
The places in London mentioned in the story chapters are researches that I did from the Internet. If they are not correct, please feel free to tell me so that I can edit it.
Thank you so much for helping me to achieve 100 reviews for this story! Thank you so much, Hanashi o suru, who is the 100th reviewer of this story! I'm so grateful and happy that so many readers/reviewers are still supporting my story.
Btw, I have updated my profile, so if you want to find out more about me, please visit my profile page. I have also changed my avatar as well. It's Allen in his new dark-red Exorcist uniform! *kyaaa! Screams like a fangirl* Kanda is my all-time favourite character in DGM, but I love Allen all the same, especially when he's fated to be Kanda's... *cough cough*
Okay, I shall stop now. Please review and tell me how you feel about this chapter? I hope I can achieve 15 - 20 reviews for this chapter, since Kanda finally admitted his feelings for Allen! Hope you guys help me achieve this goal :)
I have also updated a brand new Alternate Universe story on Yullen called 'Utopia Romance', so please read it if you have the time and support it! Thank you so much once again! :D
SingingBlues