Bruised
A/N: As always thank you for the reviews! They're sosososo appreciated. This chapter absolutely killed me to write – I feel like I've been working on it forever! Special thanks to Tooth Fairy for previewing some of the stuff in here and helping me keep my sanity. I hope you enjoy it!
Chapter Five – Everlong
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
Everlong by Foo Fighters
It was raining, as usual, but Alex wasn't complaining. She kind of liked the rain and two months filled with it hadn't done much to change that. It was drizzly and a little cool and she tugged her jacket more tightly around herself. To her right strolled Chase, his face angled slightly upwards and his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans. He'd been quiet that afternoon. Jack had announced they'd been given the go ahead for the mission. Two days. She'd be gone for good in two days.
"So this is it," he blurted out finally.
Alex tilted her head in his direction.
"Guess so."
"Just be careful. Jack tends to pull some crazy stunts that usually only work out well for him."
Alex laughed softly so Chase shrugged a little. "And I'd like to get you back in one piece."
Her stomach twisted at his suggestion and she touched his arm, stopping them.
"We don't have to do this whole drawn-out, sappy goodbye thing do we?"
He snorted. "Why? Not a fan of Casablanca?"
She shoved him playfully, a grin forming on her lips. "Your knowledge of chick flicks is kind of disturbing."
Chase smirked a little to himself. "You're always on, aren't you?"
Alex froze to stare at him. "What? No…"
"Yes…" he ran a hand down her back. "You were what…Twenty? Twenty-one when you went to Langley?"
"Nineteen," she breathed quietly, remembering to the smallest detail the first time she'd picked up a gun at the firing range in Langley and pulled the trigger; remembering her first night spent with Rick at that bar filled with recruits; remembering thinking about how happy she was to be there.
Chase's eyes widened slightly. "So you're a baby. Don't you get sick of being perfect sometimes? When I was twenty-one I did a lot of stupid shit. Everyone does. Except you."
"I am not perfect - "
"You say exactly what you're supposed to, you act exactly like you're supposed to and you never let anyone see anything that might make you seem anything but completely in control of the situation. You overanalyze everything…the first really impulsive thing you've ever done was probably signing the confession - "
"Yeah, 'cause you know me so damn well, Chase - !"
"It must be killing you…being inside your head all the time. Don't you ever just want to be able to let go? Be twenty-three and screw up something without worrying if it's going to get someone else killed? "
She felt like the wind had just been knocked out of her.
"I can let go." She insisted weakly.
"No you can't. You have to do everything yourself because you're afraid everyone else is gonna screw it up."
Alex glared at him but there was no real animosity behind it.
"When was the last time you let someone else take care of you?"
That was easy: whenever the last time she was in the field with Rick was. Rick was the only person she could ever admit to actually needing and not resent for it. Whether it was something as stupid as making sure her apartment was locked before they went to bed or something as critical as having her back when he was covering her in a firefight, it was like a weight being lifted off her shoulders. Him she could trust. She knew that.
"Alright, this is lame," Chase touched a hand to her elbow suddenly, turning her to face him and staring her down intensely. She shivered reflexively.
"I want you to come back," he cupped her face in his hands. "These things get pretty rough and I want you to know that you have something to come back to. That's what I was trying to say."
Her breath caught in her throat.
"As what Chase?"
He rubbed the back of his head casually and shrugged again.
"Friends." He answered definitely. "Or…maybe see what happens…"
"Chase…"
"Whatever. It was just a suggestion."
"You don't want me, Chase." She told him emphatically, her volume lowered…as if she could will him to feel the way he was supposed to with her words. Chase wasn't supposed to want her just like Rick wasn't supposed to want her. She hurt people and ruined lives. Michelle, Rick…her mom... No one was supposed to want her like that anymore.
"Maybe I do." He stared at her intensely for a few seconds. "Maybe I feel like I've been living like a zombie for the last two years and when you're here everything seems better."
Her eyes stung with angry tears that she managed to keep from clouding her vision at his admission. She hadn't banked on that – ever. She hadn't banked on him wanting her to stay with him. A vision of herself getting off an airplane, haggard but alive, and being met by him filled her mind. It still looked wrong, but maybe he was right. Maybe things were better with him than with nobody. Maybe she'd take his company over complete isolation, opting for companionship instead of loneliness. It would've been different but different didn't necessary have to be bad, right? She was twenty-three…if she survived this was she planning on staying alone for the rest of her life? Moving from city to city…having sex with anyone just to feel…human?
Alex's gasp was muffled when Chase pulled her mouth towards his, lips sealing around hers. It was a few seconds before she responded but her fingers tightened against his face and her lips parted slightly when his tongue pushed against them. She sighed when he pulled away, wondering what she'd expected. Just like before, his kiss didn't leave her trembling. It was a nice kiss but she didn't feel the same…pull.
"No matter what happens you have something to come back to…so don't give up on yourself when you're out there. That's what I wanted to say."
Exhaling softly she managed a smile, wondering if she would ever find a way to not think about Rick every time someone else kissed her.
Alex started walking again, feeling Chase falling in step beside her. Lifting her eyes briefly to study his serious expression, she reached out to squeeze his fingers with the smallest of smiles playing on her lips.
"Thanks."
"Morning." Alex walked into the kitchen. Slowly. Everything ached and there was nothing like fear or adrenaline keeping her going at this point. It just hurt like hell. Her poor muscles were stiff and inflamed after so many months; her head was pounding and her stomach felt like it was going to be violently ill if she didn't get something in it soon.
Chase was the only person in the kitchen and she glanced around wearily when he motioned her towards him.
"Toast?"
She nodded as he loaded the slices of bread and told her to sit down. She did, her eyes feeling puffy and her headache getting aggravated with each move she made. She couldn't have slept more than a few minutes and those minutes she did sleep were filled with the constant images of Cheng or Fong or someone laying into her and her curled up on her side trying to protect herself. The walls in Chase's apartment were thin and she sincerely hoped she hadn't started talking or screaming in her sleep.
"You feeling any better?" Chase asked wearily, sliding a plate and a mug in front of her. Worried eyes met her puffy ones and she knew he'd heard. All the guys had probably heard, and Tony and Michelle had definitely heard in that case.
"Sorry," she looked at her hands, embarrassed. Chase rolled his eyes.
"Yeah Al, everyone's pissed off at you. In fact, why don't you sleep outside tonight? You're cramping my style."
"Asshole." She snorted and Chase laughed softly, reaching out to touch her cheek.
"None of us really slept anyway. We were supposed to be taking turns doing sweeps of the complex but uh…it ended up being more like a group effort. Felt just like camping except we had guns and no one was talking to anyone else."
She laughed softly, a little color returning to her cheeks.
"You should try to nap later," he told her firmly. "During the day might not be so bad."
She sighed, vision blurring a little as he studied her warily. He broke away first, looking up behind her and quickly dropping his hand from her face. Alex spun around and saw Rick running his fingers through his bed mussed hair and frowning a little. He wore his damn USMC t-shirt that drew focus to his tanned skin and dark eyes and made him look good enough to eat. That startled her a little, the fact that she could still feel something like sexual attraction to someone. She hadn't expected that.
"Morning," Chase inclined his head casually. "There's coffee if you want."
"Thanks," Rick brushed him off, eyes still locked on Alex as he approached her carefully and her stomach twisted. God, she missed him. She missed him and he was standing a foot in front of her. He was right there, right there clearly willing to be exactly what she'd been wanting for the last ten months, and she couldn't have him. She had to make him think she didn't want him instead.
"You look like hell."
She brushed him off with a shrug. "I'm alright."
Rick bit his lip, chancing a glance at Chase. He wasn't used to having to share her.
"Yeah, fine. I'm gonna see if Jack's got any updates on Cheng tailing us." He poured coffee in a mug and disappeared without another word. Chase raised an eyebrow.
"This is killing you…"
"I'm fine."
"Maybe you should just tell him…"
"I said I'm fine, Chase." she snapped.
Chase shook his head firmly.
"You're not fine. Just tell him what you - "
"No," she winced when the stabbing pains in her head grew worse. "He's already angry at me and he doesn't need more reason to be. I just have to deal with this for a few more days."
"You really think he'd be angry at you if he knew why you…?"
"I don't know." Alex chewed on her bottom lip and blinked hard a few times. "It doesn't matter anyway. I left; it's not fair to him if I throw all these things in his face and expect him to…I just have to stick to the plan."
Chase conceded reluctantly, not agreeing with her logic. Her master plan was already a flop and it was painfully obvious to any observer how badly she wanted to abandon the entire thing. Lifting his shoulders slightly he rose from the table.
"Whatever you say, Al."
"Karen Hayes."
Bill exhaled at the purposeful clip of her voice. He missed her.
"Hi honey."
"Bill…" she softened immediately, relief flooding her at the endearment. "God, I was worried. When I didn't hear from you I thought - "
"I know, I'm sorry. It's been a long couple of days. How are things over there?"
"Not good, Bill. I still don't have anything. Every lead I call mysteriously disappears off the face of the Earth and Hammond's starting to ask about where you and Rick disappeared to. He questioned Claire…"
"What!?"
"It's fine, it's fine." She assured him. "He didn't do anything but put her in a Holding room and try to trip her up. I saw the tapes and I intervened quickly. We knew this could happen and that's why we made sure she didn't know anything."
Bill breathed. "You're in LA?"
"I was. I came back to DC to meet with a contact but he hasn't gotten back to me yet." She glanced around her office quickly, making sure she wouldn't be interrupted. Every morning since she'd come back to Washington she'd been checking for a wire tap, afraid it would give them away. So far there was nothing she could detect but that didn't ease Karen's mind any.
"I don't like you running around with these people, Karen. God only knows what they could - "
"I can handle myself, honey," she insisted. To say she wasn't a little anxious every time she tried to get in touch with a contact would have been a lie. People had been disappearing for months and it definitely occurred to Karen that she was lucky to have lasted this long unharmed…but Bill didn't need anything more to worry about and he didn't force the argument.
"Alex is with you?" Karen asked softly. Bill sighed.
"Yes. We're in London with Chase. She's resting now."
"How is she?"
"Better than we'd hoped. She needs sleep, food, more medical attention than we can give her right now. Some of the things they did…" Venom licked his words and his heart pounded at the thought.
"How's everything going?"
"Fine. Jack plans on keeping us here until we get the go ahead from you, but we can't hide away in London forever, Karen. You need to talk to the President again, proof or not. We might never get proof and I'm not abandoning her. We have to at least try."
"Alright, I will." She assured him calmly. "But…" she hesitated. "Bill I need you to do something for me."
"Alright…"
"Hammond's poking around and it's not helping me get anything. I need you to come back to LA."
"You outrank Brad Hammond," he said more harshly than he'd intended.
"He can still make things difficult. I need you to come back - "
"I'm not leaving her Karen! She's barely alive as it is…
"And she has enough people there to look after her. Tony and Michelle are off Hammond's radar now and so is Jack…you or Rick need to get back here. It looks too suspicious."
"Then Rick can go back." He snapped. Karen exhaled patiently.
"I know you're upset…"
"She doesn't need him here right now."
"I know you're angry…"
"I'm a lot more than angry."
"Bill…"
"She was pregnant! Before she left the States she…" Bill gulped hard. "He didn't even know she was pregnant. He doesn't need to be here - "
"Yes he does." Karen interrupted rationally, cutting off another outburst. Very rarely did Bill lose his temper, but he was particularly touchy when it came to the girls. She'd learned that early on in their relationship.
"The situation you are in right now could go south very quickly and if it does Rick can protect her better than you can. You know that as well as I do. Both CTU and Division need to be functioning at full capacity to draw attention away from the fact that one of you is gone and it will be a lot harder to do that with Rick here instead of you. I'd have to step in with Division and that would turn some heads. You need to be here, Bill. Alex needs you to be here and she needs Rick with her. He's done this before; between him and Jack and Tony, Alex will be safe."
Bill muttered something quietly and Karen sighed again.
"Do you really think he knew she was pregnant?"
"He should've known something was off."
"You didn't…"
"The situation's not exactly the same is it!?"
"Honey," she soothed. "Rick was not obligated to go with you but he did. If he really didn't care about her do you think he would have gone just for the thrill of the mission? He cares. You know that."
"That's not - "
"Alex signed the confession Bill. Alex went to her father, Alex coerced Tony into backing her up and Alex made the choice to sign the confession. She's not a child; he wasn't manipulating her. Alex knew what she was doing and Alex accepted the consequences of her actions. Now you need to. Rick is not the person you should be blaming for what happened just because you need someone to be angry with."
Bill sighed, running his fingers through his hair.
"I'll think about it Karen."
"Thank you. I'll talk to Wayne."
"Good…" he shut his eyes for an instant. "And be careful, please."
"You too…"
"Alright, I'll call you soon…I love you."
Karen smiled softly to herself.
"I love you too."
"Hey…" Tony slid onto the couch beside Alex who was mindlessly flipping channels. She decided on some old black and white movie that she'd never seen before turning to him.
"Michelle went back to bed?"
"Yeah," he rubbed her arm. "You should try and sleep a bit too."
She shook her head stubbornly, tugging the afghan more tightly around her body.
"Where are the others?" she probed after a few seconds of silence.
"Jack and Rick are going over some stuff…" he bit his lip, knowing exactly what Jack and Rick were going over. Rick had mentioned something about the escape of Mandy and the presence of a mole within the infrastructure and Jack's alarm bells went off.
"Chase went to grab some groceries and I think Bill's on the phone with LA. He talked to Karen earlier about trying again with Palmer."
Alex yawned and let her eyes fall shut to ease the stinging that had been plaguing her all day. Tony's arm slung around her shoulders and he pulled her against him. She sighed and pressed her face against his shirt. If she couldn't have Rick, Tony was a good substitute.
"I know you're freaking out, but ya gotta try and rest a little. You can't do anything when you're this exhausted…"
"I slept with Chase." She blurted out so suddenly she hadn't even known she was considering saying it. Tony didn't pull back but he tensed beneath her; tugging on her ponytail he found her apologetic eyes. His jaw shifted and he waited expectantly for her to continue.
"It was like a month after I…had the…" she glanced at the ground. "Y'know…and we went out drinking with some of the people he works with and I was depressed so I started drinking more and so did he and…and then some guy started hitting on me at the bar so Chase intervened and I kissed him and we went home."
Her cheeks flamed red and she buried her face into his arm.
"And then it was supposed to be like a one-off, y'know? And I thought it was and then…he told me to come back to London when the mission was done." She shrugged a little.
"And it doesn't seem like such a bad idea anymore."
Tony sighed, saying nothing. Really, there was nothing he could say. Who was he to judge Alex – or anyone for that matter – for what they did in a bout of depression? Or because they thought they had no other option? He was in no position to say a word.
"So what changed?"
"Hmm?"
"How come it doesn't seem like such a bad idea now?"
Alex laughed hollowly. "Being with Chase has gotta be better than being alone forever, right?"
Tony's brow creased. "And what if we can get through to Palmer and you can come home?"
"I dunno, Tony." She bit her lip. "I don't know if I can tell him what…what I did."
"What we did," he corrected. Alex smiled weakly.
"When you left he wasn't himself." Tony told her, his voice soft and plaintive. "He tried to pretend everything was fine but…"
"Meaning while he was off being upset I was sleeping with Chase," she cut him off with a growl. "Damnit, Tony, I can't think of one minute for the last ten months I haven't missed him. Chase was just something to take the edge off."
"And now you're staying in London with something to take the edge off when you could come back home," Tony retorted.
"There is a very good chance that won't happen – "
"Pretend."
She looked annoyed and he sighed, rubbing her leg.
"When Michelle left…" his voice was barely audible now and he had to incline he head towards her so she could hear. "I was with someone else."
She snorted, "I know." Tony rolled his eyes exasperatedly.
"But as soon as she showed up at CTU that day it was like…it wasn't even an afterthought. I didn't want to go back to…I knew what I wanted, even if I wanted to be angry more. You know a big part of the reason Michelle left was because..."
Alex squinted her eyes shut. "You were screwed up and she thought she was making things worse."
"Yeah…" Tony clawed at the side of his cheek, eyes flitting briefly around the room. "And you and I both know if you told him what happened..."
Alex flinched a little. She knew what Tony was getting at: Rick, like Michelle, would love her if she let him. If he honestly believed she wanted him with her he would be there, no questions asked and no matter what she had done.
"Chase doesn't know when I'm upset." She said quietly, averting Tony's eyes. "He doesn't know if I'm sad or lonely or if I'm scared…he has no clue."
She pursed her lips together, willing him to understand. Tony was the last person she wanted judging her right now.
"So I can let him see whatever I want him to see and keep the rest to myself." She shrugged it off. "And if Chase decides he's sick of me one day and picks up and leaves I won't fall apart. He can't…break me like that because I don't give up anything to him."
Tony considered her words as his ran his fingers through her hair. Her neck craned against his shoulder so she could see his face.
"Yeah but uh…" his jaw kinked to one side. "Seems to me like that's kind of the point, isn't it?"
She raised her eyebrows and he leaned back a little on the couch.
"Yeah, sure you'll never get hurt your way but…" he bit back the prickling in the corner of his eyes, feeling like his entire romantic history was flashing before him. "But that's the risk you take because being like that…with them…it's worth it. Trust me," he throat was tight as he spoke. Alex clamped hard on her lip and didn't say anything, choosing instead to focus on the movie again.
Michelle sauntered into the living room shortly afterwards and slumped down beside them on the couch. Shuddering and pressing closer to Tony, she spoke.
"I'll sleep later. There's too much going through my head right now."
Alex sat up as Tony moved his arm around his wife.
"You guys finish the movie. I'm gonna go see what Bill's doing." She rose from the couch, stopping to tug on Tony's hair from behind until he could see her eyes.
"Not a word."
"Yeah, yeah."
Michelle frowned a little as she shifted more fully against Tony, arms curled around his waist and head pillowed against him. Even with the stress of the situation they were in, being in his arms relaxed her. She mewed contentedly as his chest rose and fell beneath her.
"What was that about?"
"Nothin'…" he nuzzled his face into her hair. "How you feeling?"
"I'm okay," she stretched up to press her mouth to his, flicking his bottom lip with her tongue and tugging gently with her teeth. He groaned out a warning.
"I don't think now's the best time to start that, Michelle."
She grinned a little mischievously and kissed him again, feeling him respond a little more insistently this time.
"Y'know we're not all as deviant as you are sweetheart. I'm not having sex with you on Chase's couch just so you can extort information out of me."
She giggled softly and pecked his lips, sighing and cuddling more snuggly against him.
"You were right, weren't you?" she queried casually after a moment.
" 'Bout what?" he yawned.
"Alex and Chase."
"What makes you say that?"
She shot him a surreptitious look and he sighed heavily.
"Trust me, I'm wishing I wasn't."
"It's bad?"
Tony winced and inclined his head ever-so slightly. Michelle pursed her lips together.
"It'll be fine. Rick's not unreasonable; they weren't together and he'll forgive her."
"You still think this is gonna work out?"
She laughed gently and it warmed him to the core.
"What can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic."
Tony laughed too and secured his arms around her.
"He's gonna have a lot of things to forgive…from both of us."
"Tony…" she pressed her lips to his collar through his t-shirt. "Once Karen gets Palmer to exonerate her, Alex will tell him everything and they'll work through it and she'll come back to the States."
"Maybe Palmer won't - "
"Yes he will," her words were filled with anguish. "He has to. Alex will get to come home when this whole thing is over."
He watched her eyes fill with moisture wiped away tear streaks when it spilled over. It was only too apparent what she was thinking about.
"You're right, you're right," he cupped her cheeks and kissed her softly. "It'll be fine."
Now if only either of them really believed that.
"Almeida said there's a mole?" Chase stared at Jack who nodded gruffly. It was dusk and they were yet again scoping out the grounds. After talking to Rick about what had happened with that woman they couldn't be too careful. A mole inside DOD could have meant anything; it could've been a coincidence that the woman escaped mere weeks after Jack and Alex left for the mission, but Jack's gut told him no. Something didn't add up and the more he thought about it the more things seemed to click into place. Alex had been sent with him on the condition she never return to the United States but if, for one reason or another, she were to decide to break that condition Warrington and Hammond could be looking at serious jail time. All they needed was for one person to believe her story, one person Jack himself and Karen both had some influence with, and they were screwed. It was a huge risk to take.
"You think they've got something to do with Al?"
"I think they want her dead." Jack blurted out abruptly. Chase stared.
"How come?"
"The assassin who already tried to get Alex once mysteriously escapes from transport a few weeks after we move into China. I think someone didn't expect her to come out alive and now someone wants rid of her."
"You think it was Hammond?"
Jack sighed softly. "Could be. I'm trying to get more details, but Rick still doesn't know much…and he has no idea what the circumstances surrounding her leaving were - "
"Then what the hell are we gonna do, Jack!?" Chase blurted out, the panic evident in his words. "I mean she's barely functioning as it is…are we just gonna hang her out to dry?"
"Of course not - "
"We have to help her!"
"Don't you think I know that!?" Jack growled back in response.
"Well you don't seemed too concerned - !"
"Damnit, Chase!" Jack snapped abruptly and stopped walking. "I knew this would happen…"
"Knew what would happen?"
"That maybe if you could show a little self-restraint we wouldn't have problems where there didn't need to be any." Jack's glare would have been enough to make anyone cower, and early in his career Chase probably would've too. Not now though. He knew Jack too well – too personally – to be afraid of him like that.
"I'm worried about her," Jack exhaled. "And don't for one second think that I'm not. You're not being objective."
"Bullshit – !"
"Why the hell would you tell her to come back to London?"
"What?"
"We have enough problems right now without you getting in the middle of everything."
"You asked for my help, Jack."
"I didn't ask you to sleep with her! It's just like before, Chase; you can't detach - !"
"This is nothing like…"
"Like what?" Jack's eyes flashed. Chase glared back at him.
"This is nothing like Kim! You have no say in what happens here - !"
Jack's hand flew to his throat and he shoved Chase back against the wall of one building.
"Don't you dare talk to me about Kim..."
Chase shoved hard back but Jack retained his hold just as a voice interrupted them.
"Woah, woah…what's goin' on guys?"
Jack's head twisted slightly to meet Rick's furrowed brow. Jack released Chase quickly.
"We're fine. I'm going to see if Bill's got anything new."
"It's getting late. I guess we should head in too…" Chase started to move but Rick's hand collided with his shoulder firmly, pushing him back against the wall.
"In a minute…what were you talking about?"
"Kim…what else…" Chase shrugged it off. Rick studied his face carefully but Chase remained neutral.
"So what's nothing like Kim?"
"What…? It wasn't anything. Jack was just being Jack." Chase tried to move again. "C'mon…"
Rick grabbed his arm, slamming him against the wall this time with enough force to make Chase cringe.
"Something I should know?" He raised an eyebrow. Chase stared him down.
"Not that I can think of."
Chase tried a final time to move and Rick pinned him with one hand. Chase shrugged exasperatedly.
"What do you want me to say, Rick?"
"How about you just tell me what happened before so I can stop wondering why you keep looking at her like that."
Chase stared at him in feigned confusion. "Like what?"
Rick's eyes narrowed and Chase sighed. This definitely hadn't been the plan but Rick already knew something was up. Plus, Chase was starting to think it might be better this way. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see how much it was hurting her to keep pushing him away just so he wouldn't clue in…
"Fine," Chase's stomach churned a little. "Alex came to London with Jack for a few weeks before they left for China."
"And?" Rick cocked an eyebrow. Chase shrugged.
"And we hung out. Jack wasn't around much…"
"And something happened." Rick finished the sentence for himself, staring expectantly.
"What? Nah man, nothing…"
Chase bit his lip when he saw Rick's face. Clearly he wasn't buying it.
"And…we slept together. Once."
Rick's expression clouded with rage and Chase tensed reflexively. Rick started to speak but then pulled away, storming towards the apartment building.
The door to the apartment slammed shut. Alex's first instinct was to reach for a weapon, forgetting that someone trying to sneak up on them probably wouldn't have made such a commotion entering the premises. Bill's brow creased and he touched a hand to Alex's arm, hearing Rick yelling at Tony and asking for Alex. A few seconds later Rick stormed into the kitchen.
"You slept with Chase!" he roared, making Bill forget to worry about Alex for an instant and stare at her.
"You what?"
Alex squinted her eyes shut tightly, biting back a retort and breathing deeply.
"Who told you?"
"He did."
She'd kill Chase. She'd absolutely kill him.
"Damnit, Alex! What the hell were you…?" he shook his head angrily. "You run away to go to London to screw around with Chase!"
"It just happened," she said stiffly.
"Like you jumping at the chance to take a mission with Jack just happened!? And you not even being able to stand being in the same room as me anymore just happened? Christ, Alex, what the hell is going on with you - !"
"Easy," Bill warned. Rick ignored him.
"Look at me…" he ordered, snatching her arm and stepping into her space .
"Back off," Bill's ordered.
"This wasn't about you." Alex hissed back at Rick, his face inches from the top of her head. She was staring at his neck. "I went on a mission because Jack asked me to. This was never about you; don't flatter yourself."
Rick stared at her incredulously and his grip tightened a little when she tried to pull away.
"Look at me!" he ordered, dragging her closer still. She fought to remain indignant. "You can't even look at me!" he snarled, "You don't think I know when you're lying to me, Al - !"
"You didn't know she was pregnant - !"
" – Bill!"
You could've heard a pin drop in the apartment. Chase was standing in the door to the hallway and Tony and Michelle were watching from the living room. Rick's hold had slackened and then dropped from her completely and Bill looked like he immediately regretted his outburst. Alex felt her throat thicken and the tears start to pool behind her eyes. Chase stared between them, looking like he wanted to intervene. In the back of her mind Alex knew Chase's concern was completely unwarranted; she'd been abused her entire childhood and she knew that look. Rick wouldn't hurt her no matter how angry he was. He didn't have it in him.
Those notions were overshadowed however by the compelling desire to throw up as she finally angled her head to see Rick's face. He was just staring at her blankly.
"W-what?" he cleared his throat and Alex squinted her eyes shut as if it would make her wake up from this nightmare.
"You were what?" he sounded a little choked up when he spoke, not angry. His words were scratchy and his face suggested he was in pain. Alex felt the weight drop in her stomach and exhaled softly.
"I found out after I left."
"Bill knew!"
"Jack had to tell the doctor about…" she winced. "About the procedure in case it affected my treatment - "
"The procedure…"
"Rick…"
"Right. I forgot; anything you have to do to prove you've got bigger balls than everyone else, right Al? That whatever was between us didn't get to you or affect you. Anything you had to do to prove you could pick up and leave and do that and not feel a thing - "
"You have no idea what that did to me!" her vision blurred and her voice lacked the fury she was trying to convey. She felt Bill's hand on her back and realized she was trembling. "You have no idea how that…"
"And yet you still went through with it. Just another step towards turning into a fucking robot…just like Jack. Is that what you want - ?"
"Fuck you." She snarled. "Until you do what I did you don't get to tell me what I was or wasn't feeling. You weren't there - "
"Yeah well, whose fault is that, Al?"
She clamped down on her lower lip, willing herself not to cry. She hated how easily he could make her cry.
After a few seconds of silence Rick backed up abruptly and turned on his heel.
"I need some air…"
No one dared breathe until the door of the apartment slammed shut behind him.