Night dawned and Mysterion rose. He crept out of his bedroom, tiptoeing carefully to avoid waking his parents or his little sister Karen or his asshole brother Kevin. God why did Kevin have to be such a whiney bitch. So Kenny's night terrors and thrashing sometimes woke him up , some people had much bigger problems to deal with.
Like me, Mysterion thought as he leapt out of the window in Kenny's room. His problem wasn't exactly your normal sob story, he couldn't die. Well okay it wasn't so much that he couldn't die, but that he couldn't stay dead. When Kenny had been little he had screamed after every death. Onetime he locked himself in a cellar, figured with nothing in their but himself, nothing could kill him. It took a week for the poor kid to starve to death. Eventually it happened so many times he just got a bit numb to it. By Kindergarten Kenny had accepted it as just part of his everyday life.
Kenny had always been a curious boy, probably why he got himself killed so many dam times, and he often wondered how he gained this terrible terrible superpower. Mysterion wondered too. He had been so close that onetime. But then that asswipe Mintberry Crunch came along and saved the day. One day he'd try to find out again.
But first he had to get to get to the bridge and retrieve that case file.
Mysterion had searched the bridge from top to bottom. But their was no file. Mysterion ran back into the night. Someone had taken that file, and he had to find them. He searched every back ally, rooftop and seedy overpass in South Park,but their was nothing.
Mysterion decided to try the school. He tried to open the front door. Locked. He would have to go around back. The playground was empty and desolate. Kenny had so many good memories of this place. Of course their were also some pretty terrible ones as well. He had died here a few times,but then he could say that about a lot of other places.
For no particular reason he chose to stand under the monkey bars. "Hey you their", a voice called out. Mysterion looked around. Nothing. "Yeah you, with the funny mask.", the voice, he could identify it as female, said. "Whose their", Mysterion shouted. "Me", the voice replied. "And whose me", Mysterion said back, praying that she would not chose to drag this conversation down the inevitable ,annoying path. "Me is you.", she said, Mysterion could swear he could hear her laugh. Christ even Cartman wasn't this annoying. "Just show yourself dam it"
Mysterion jumped in surprise as the girl swung herself down from the money bars. She was upside down, using her legs to hold on, her masked face was an inch from his. "Hello Mysterion I'm Mouse, Tree Mousem to be specific." She wore a mask over the upper half of her face like Mysterion, Her nose had some sort of ball on it,and he could tell from the misshapen shadows on the side of her head that she was wearing mouse ears of some kind.
Upside down and open to attack, he could easily take her in this position. Ether this Mouse Girl really trusted him, or she was so good that even upside down and unable to maneuver she could beat the crap out of Mysterion. "Well I've shown myself", she chirped, "How do I look." "Like a mouse", Mysterion replied deadpan, Kenny would have said something about her ass, but that was beneath a hero like Mysterion.
"Yep that's the idea", she said, lowering herself down from the bars. "What do you want", Mysterion said gruffly. "Your help.", she said. "With what?", asked Mysterion. "Your familiar with girls are you not Mysterion", she asked cooly. "I've known my share", he replied, world weary, and he hoped, suavely. "And I'm sure you know the girls are ruled by a council."
"Yeah I know", those psycho bitches had driven Kenny's friend Kyle to near madness, and of course Bebe had killed him, shot him right though the head. She hadn't even had the decency to wait until he finished his cereal. And of course their had been the evil rat Wikileaks. Knowledge was one of the greatest powers out their, and absolute power corrupted absolutely, or so Mysterion had heard.
"They have files on all of us. It's worse than the NSA.", she said with a bitter chuckle. "Some of the stuff they have on people…it's really personal. They use it to blackmail and bully. They've ruined people's lives with this shit.", Mysterion could almost feel the rage burning inside her. "I want to destroy those files and I want you to help me Mysterion.".
Mysterion's first instinct was to say no. He had been distracted from the TPer before and look how that had turned out. "Listen as much as I'd love to help you out I can't. I've got bigger problems to deal with.", he said curtly. "The TP bandit, I know." Mysterious was about to say something. "And no I'm not going to tell you how", she said preempting him. "But you will be pleased to learn that our interests align.", her lips curled into a smile. Kenny tried to think up some dirty pun. Mysterion refocused himself, embarrassed.
"I was watching the drop zone. Waiting for you to come by." "I assume your not going to bother telling me how you figured that one out ether.", Mysterion asked, knowing the answer. "No", she said, still smiling. She got back to the story. "So anyway the cops drop the file. Nothing abnormal. Well not unless you consider the police collaborating with vigilantes abnormal", "I don't.", Mysterion said. "Good. Anyway all's normal. Then I see some girl go under the bridge, and swipe the the case file. I got a look at her face. It was the Shulk."
"What the fuck is a Shulk?", Kenny asked. "It's short for She Hulk." "Why couldn't they have just called her She Hulk?" "Marvel has the copyright to that one and their owned by Disney. The queen bees on the council act like their tough, but their is no way those bitches are going to fuck with Mickey and more importantly his lawyers.",Tree Mouse explained. "Cowards", Mysterion snorted with contempt. That self rightious asshole had nearly turned Kenny into some sort of soulless drone. "I know right",Tree Mouse said in a agreement.
"You might know her as Shelly Marsh. 7th grader, headgear, terrible temper, obsessed with Turds for some reason?",she asked. "Never heard of her", Mysterion lied. "She's the council's lackey." Mysterion couldn't believe Stan's bitchy sister would agree to work for a bunch of fourth graders. Whatever her faults Shelly at least enough self respect not to work for a bunch of Fourth Grade girls. "So this means the girls have the Bandit's file", said Mysterion. "I would be surprised if they didn't", she replied.
Mysterion was convinced. Besides he had no other leads. And this Tree Mouse Girl seemed like good company. "So where do we find these bitches?" "I don't know. The archives are kept in a secret location." "You didn't think farther ahead than getting my help did you?" Mysterion opined.
"You underestimate me.", she said smiling. "Pretty hard to underestimate someone named Tree Mouse.", he said with a wry contemptuous smirk on his face. "Shut up", she was smiling as she gently punched his arm. "All the good names were taken. And besides, I like climbing things and I squeak a lot. So I guess the name fits.", she shrugged. "Besides what kind of name is Mysterion?" "A Mysterious one",he allowed a warm smile to slip past his cold facade. He felt himself pulled towards this mysterious girl. They stared at each other. Was he blushing?
"So uhhh how do you plan to find this secret hide out?", Mysterion asked, shifting the conversation back to business. "Well,as I was saying, I don't know where the archives are, but I do know who knows where they are." "The Shulk?",Mysterion asked the masked girl. "Yes. I can't take her alone. That's why I asked for your help." she admitted to him. "I'm sure you'd do fine on your own", he said, trying to be chivalrous. "Fine isn't enough to beat the Shulk.",it's clear she viewed this as a great personal failing. "If it makes you feel better I doubt I could take her alone ether", he put a hand on her shoulder. "Thanks.".