Dubhán awakes slowly the next morning. Immediately he can feel his fingers and toes and too-small nose and knows he doesn't need to worry about transforming. It is a pleasant feeling, to wake up without worry. Then he opens his eyes and directly in his line of sight is his door – his clawed door. The night comes rushing back to him. He frowns and tries to shove aside his feelings of weakness.
He gets dressed. Don't think, Dubhán. He takes his potion, leaving only two more. Don't feel, Dubhán. He opens his door and heads downstairs, hoping Potter won't mention last night. Desires are worthless causes. He turns the corner. You can't be weak. He walks through the living room, crosses the hallway, and steps into the kitchen's doorframe. It is the kitchen where he always finds them in the morning, sitting around the table. Except today there is no Emma eating cereal. No lady shuffling papers.
It is that day 'after tomorrow'…and Severus Snape is at the kitchen table, drinking tea with Harry Potter. He nearly scurries away to upstairs. He wants to close the bedroom door and lean against his door and just breathe. He wants to, but he doesn't.
I am not weak. He tells himself. Grandfather says that if fools tell themselves something enough, they believe it to be true. For once, Dubhán hopes he has a bit of a fool in him. I am not weak. I cannot be weak. I will not be weak. I will stand here, straight-backed and proud. Grandfather says even Potter does that.
"Are you just going to stand there like a complete dunderhead?" The professor asks, looking pointedly at him with his dark black eyes.
"Severus, he's obviously nervous. He's unaccustomed to-" But Potter doesn't get to finish.
"What Potter is insinuating is that you are a complete dunderhead and you did simply manage to survive the Dark Lord by mere luck. Otherwise, you would easily be able to adapt to a new set of rules, just like someone who had survived because of skill instead of luck. But perhaps Potter is correct about you…"
For a moment Dubhán wants to say hurtful things back at the man, and oh the things he knows to say! One cannot betray the Dark Lord, live to talk about it, and to not be expected to be talked about in turn. He knows things, personal things, about this man that perhaps Potter doesn't even. He bites his tongue. Hurling insults is not strength. It is the weak-mans tool. No, he just stares at Snape as he steps through the doorway and takes a seat at the table.
"Did you have any trouble brewing the potion, sir?" He asks, his tone perfectly polite. He thinks he could make his voice come out with the tone even under torture. Goodness knows he's had plenty of practice.
"Of course I did not have any trouble, you silly child." That's a step up from 'dunderhead'.
"It took the Dark Lords best potion masters months to create. The one, who finally did it, took a week to recreate the potion. It took the others two weeks to learn how to follow the directions, stirring at precisely the right moments, to create it independently."
"And I'm sure you take great pride in having memorized the lines," Snape seethes, "you're just as arrogant-"
"I am not arrogant!" Dubhán shouts. "I do not boast about what I do not know! I have not memorized anything – if they had been willing to put ingredients and cauldron in front of me I would have brewed it for myself! I did not survive by being arrogant – I survived by the opposite. By being cunning and sneaky and willing to set aside my own pride for my safety! Do not call me arrogant."
"Dubhán, calm down."
Dubhán wanted to tell the man to set the potions on the table. That he'd look at them later. That he was just a great mudblood loving fool. But he stops those words before they cross the line between thought and words. He feels them, searing the tip of his tongue.
"I am not angry, sir. I am simply disgusted by the accusation." He stands up and looks at the man. "Is there anything else you'd like to say to me?"
"What are you doing, boy?"
"I'm facing you straight-back and proud," he says, quietly but deadly. He hears Potter swear, grab his shoulder, and drag him back into his seat. In Parseltongue, Potter whispers "calm down. You are not being cunning or clever." Instead of responding discretely, Dubhán rounds on him.
"You can't tell me how to act. I'm not foolish. I didn't survive by luck. I could change my actions and reactions to suit your environment, but why bother. Voldemort will find me and bring me back and all the things you want me to do he will call weak. Weakness is not something the Dark Lord accepts kindly, sir!" Potter slumps in his chair, looking defeated.
"Perhaps," the potion master hisses softy, "what you should be teaching this boy first is Occlumency, then worry about manners."
Potter has his hands in his hair, resting his head. He chuckles in a very sardonic manner. As if he believes this to be a cruel joke. Dubhán has heard the word before, but only once or twice. He tries to recall reading about it. He must have read about it. He has read about everything…that Grandfather has let you.
"Occlumency…it has something to do with a barrier between one individuals mind another's, yes?"
"Perhaps you are not a complete dunderhead. Occlumency is the act of defending your mind against Legilimency, which is what Voldemort, a Legilimens, uses to know whether you are lying or not." Dubhán stops breathing for a moment. Is it possible he is actually hearing this correctly? Is it as simple as learning a skill? He banishes the thought. These are traitorous thoughts. Thoughts he's not allowed to have.
"But…wouldn't the fact that you are barricading your thoughts…wouldn't that just tell him you're keeping the truth from him?" They are the dunderheads if they think it's that easy to fool Voldemort. He's spent four years being proven time after time that he can't fool the man. Even his deepest darkest secrets, he's almost certain he knows. It is only a silver of remaining hope that keeps him protecting them.
"And there you are, thinking like a dunderhead again. If you were able to erect a barrier in your mind, child, where would you have that barrier be? Which is easier to protect: a small or large territory?"
He knows the answer. It is simple. Small. But he also knows that is not the complete answer and this man will call him a dunderhead again if he answers incompletely. Grandfather would have sent a stinging hex or something similar his way.
"I would build it around my secrets but let everything else go unprotected, because it wouldn't be important whether you saw what I hate for dinner last night." The professor actually smirks.
"Perhaps the Potter genes have finally succumbed to other influences." He says smugly. He rises from his chair. "At any rate, Potter, you should put some thought into the idea. It would certainly give the brat a sense of ease. He could actually feel things without worry about the consequences."
"Severus?" Potter says, looking up. "You're forgetting that I completely suck at Occlumency in any traditional fashion."
"I never forget what makes you a dunderhead, Mr. Potter. It is some of my most treasured thoughts. That and the dog chasing you up the tree." He is wearing a smirk as he puts twelve vials of potion on the table and sweeps out of the room. They hear him disappear through the floo. Dubhán looks over at Potter, considering him.
"Does that mean you can't teach me?"
"Oh, I can teach you, it just wouldn't do you much good. Voldemort would know you were keeping him out if you did it my way. But, Severus was right and I'll find you someone who can. I promise."
"Couldn't…couldn't he teach me?"
Hope you liked this chapter. Did I do a good job with Severus? As you can guess, I will probably be writing quite a bit more of him. I think we've finally reached the hurtle that Devlin has to over come – the idea that Voldemort will get him back, and the idea that every thought and feeling he's had while he's away, will be seen and paid for. I am also playing with the character categories on this story. Previously it had been Harry/OC but I think maybe that's been confusing people and not putting it in front of people who might actually like to read it, so I'm trying it as Voldemort/Harry since those are the two main book characters that are talked about so much.
Please review! They make me smile and think more about this story and the more I smile and think about this story, the better the chapters are and the faster they arrive! :)