Sorry y'all; I'm not going to write any more Bakugan Battle Brawlers: The Fan Fic. It was ridiculous and superfluous, and though I think parts of it are a hoot, I know I can write a whole lot better now. If I had infinite time on my hands, I would probably write a chapter for every Bakugan episode out there, including the horrible, horrible latest season. (Seriously, they took out the only part of Bakugan that involved any type of strategy! If you thought the beginning was bad, now it's uber-boring one-on-one fights!) At some point around last year, I tried writing a one-shot-ish thing combining Bakugan with another bad anime (with an even more hilarious stupid theme song) called Mix Master, but I thought it just got boring so nobody's seein' that schlock.
However, the few people who are still watching CAN see what I wrote in late '09: two chapters, the second of which is incomplete, of a Father Figure saga. It's all about Father Figure's life, and takes place during the first and second episodes. I was planning on somehow getting him to join up with the two stupid bullies, and I think there was supposed to be a car chase. Also if anyone was wondering (or about to wonder), I believe the Mega Man X7 game was going to crash just as Dan finally got to Flame Hyenard's level.
Well, enjoy, 'cause that's the last you're gonna see out of
BAKUGAN BATTLE BRAWLERS: THE FAN FIC
and probably me on this site! ...I know it's not exactly a "high note" or a "low note" or even a "note" of any kind, but... D-d-don't be sad. I'll still be writing dumb things. Just...just not this.
Dan's whole life changed when a bunch of cards fell from the sky...
...and so did his dad's.
A, a-a, a-a, IT'S Dan's FA-THER! On the inside! Gone, gone, gone, it's not Bakugan!
Episode One
Enter Father Figure
It was another day in the city. The sun shone brightly over the many trees, and one REALLY tall tower overlooked everything.
The automatic door opened. "Another great day to work at Momo Incorporated." A black-haired guy with glasses and a business suit stepped in.
"Good morning, Father Figure," the lady at the front desk said, flicking her light-brown ponytail back.
"Good morning, Doris!" He grinned and waved, stepping into the elevator.
BEEP BOOP!
The elevator went incredibly fast up to the 110th floor of the Momo company headquarters. There were fifty more floors, at least. Father Figure still wasn't sure.
The shiny glass doors opened up to a typical, cubicle-filled office area. A bunch of people were working at computers in said cubicles. Father Figure walked by a bunch of them, receiving greetings as he went:
"Mornin', Father Figure!"
"How've you been, Father Figure?"
"Yo, Father Figure! High five!"
He finally came to his cubicle and sat down in his special desk chair. Scattered around his cubicle were animal figurines, which were mostly purple hippopotamuses. Pinned to the walls were photographs of him, his wife, and a younger Dan. Looking at a young Dan, he sighed. Then he turned to the image of a blue punch buggy, and smiled as he took a sip of coffee.
He turned on his Yuck brand computer. It took five minutes for it to start up. Yuck computers always take so long to start up, he thought, grimacing. Then he logged himself in.
USERNAME: fatherfigure34
PASSWORD: momoinc
As the desktop loaded he drummed his fingers along the keyboard. Work's a great way to pass the time. He opened up his internet browser, titled Fatster. Its icon looked like a fat person with five o' clock shadow. The Momo Inc. webpage appeared onscreen, decorated blue. The company logo was a super-deformed yellow starfish. Their slogan was, "Know anything!"
Father Figure's job was to answer questions. That was his occupation. That was Momo's job. And they got a lot of money out of it.
He checked the Questions Corner to see what questions people had recently asked. The first thing he read was, "i like robots and dragons? -Guest"
He responded, "For wasting my time with a question that is not a question, I reserve the right to take $0.01 from your bank account." He smiled. More money for the company!
The next question read, "Why did Bakugan fall from the sky that fateful day?-Guest"
Hm. Never got that question before. He scratched his chin a bit in thought. Then he typed, "We do not know. My theory is that a hidden underground factory exploded and sent the cards flying into the upper atmospheres. They may be made of strange, lightweight material. Cost for answer: $0.01." That was the general cost for any question asked, but it was required that he type the cost out every time, for some reason.
Not letting people see questions who weren't in the company gave them a lot of money and a LOT of repeat questions. Father Figure saw the same question he'd gotten yesterday evening: "Whats the difference between wolverines and Wolverine? -DinoRan"
He thought it over. "Wolverine is a proper noun when it's capitalized. Cost for answer: $0.01." He hit ENTER.
"Honey, I'm home!" A yellow punch buggy parked outside. A happy-as-ever Father Figure stepped in. His wife was in a retarded yoga position, knocked unconscious. He laughed. "Well, keep up that yoga. Silence is golden, right?"
Father Figure smiled and looked in the fridge. "Ah, pudding. My favorite. Thanks, honey!"
He started walking away from the fridge with his "pudding" (it was really flan) on a silver platter. He tripped on a medicine ball! "Nnnnoooooo! My pudddinnnnggg!" he cried as the flan slid off, vibrating like the CGI-animated figure it was. His wife was regaining consciousness, but couldn't move her mouth to tell him it was flan, not pudding... "NOOOOO! My pudding!" The flan splooshed onto the floor. "It costs fifteen dollars at the market!" He sobbed. What an idiot.
He looked at his wife and said, "Well, stop doing your yoga and clean this up!" He looked at his numb wife for a minute. She didn't say anything. "Oh, honey, you know I didn't mean it like that...come on, let's put you in this couch chair." He picked her up and dropped her on the blue couch. She was still in the same, uncomfortable position. "There ya go!"
He JUST finished mopping when Dan slammed the door open! "HeyMomheyDadI'mhome!"
"Dan!" Father Figure opened his arms up for a hug. Dan ran right past. He frowned.
That boy is too obsessed with Bakugan to even hug his own father... He sighed. But he' s a growing boy. I just need to give it some time!
The family sat at the table, eating dinner, except Father Figure's wife, who was leaning on the table.
"Not hungry, hon?" he asked.
Her head fell into the mashed potatoes.
"Oh! Good, you're eating!" he chimed, poppin' a single corn kernel into his mouth. "So Dan, what's going on? What's shakin'?" He wiggled a bit as he said it.
"Aah! You're scaring me, Dad!" Dan nearly dropped his fork.
"Sorry about that. So...what's happening? Or whatever the hip kids say these days."
"Oh, nothing much...EXCEPT I WON A BAKUGAN GAME!" He slammed his hands on the table.
"Oh, well...that's nice. Wanna know about MY day?"
"That game was so AWESOME, man! That Giant Brown Mantis was good, all right, but not as good as my other Bakugan! Birdman's a force to be reckoned with! I sure cleaned HIS clocks for 'im!"
"Oh, uhh...that's nice but...wanna know about MY day?" He wiggled his finger.
"Eh. Not really."
"Oh. Well, why not?"
"You're OLD. Old people are BORING."
"Hey! Dan!" a feminine voice shouted. It was only the computer, but said computer was so loud it shook the whole household.
"Gotta go! Omnomnomnomnom!" Dan literally ate the plate before running upstairs. "BE RIGHT THERE, JULIE!"
I'll never understand Bakugan, will I?
Another day at work. Today Father Figure reached a record of 3,850 answered questions! One question in particular caught his eye: "Your son obsessed with Bakugan? Call Dr. M. P. Scoop 555-616-5515 or e-mail at ? -Scoop"
This question...looks like it's directed towards ME!
He replied, "I'd be happy to. But it's still an advertisement. Cost for advertisement + personal info: $0.03."
Maybe this Dr. M. P. Scoop can help me with Dan...
He went down to the cafeteria. On his tray sat some lasagna, orange juice and an apple parfait. Billiam, a mustachioed guy with hair coming down to his shoulders, walked with him to the table.
"Any interesting things happen lately?" Billiam asked. He had an Australian accent, though Father Figure never thought he looked Australian.
"Nah, not really. But my kid's still addicted to Bakugan, so I'm contacting Dr. M. P. Scoop, who can apparently help. I'm e-mailing him today at lunch, so I'm not looking for conversation. I'll talk after work."
"Oh, well, that's too bad, Father Figure. Hope Scoop can help you."
Father Figure ate quickly so he would have time to use his net-surfin' Blackberry to e-mail the doctor, murmuring the letters as he typed.
"Sender: .com
Address:
Subject: You can help my son?
I saw your question (really an advertisement) on the Momo Inc. website and noticed that my situation is exactly like the one you described! My son Dan is so obsessed with Bakugan he hardly even talks to me after school. He needs help. Know when I can contact you?
- Father Figure
P.S.: I live in Your Town, Japan, but anywhere is convenient, I'm close to the CCR. I get off work at 4 and don't work Wed. or Sun."
He sat there for five minutes, anxiously waiting for a reply. Soon the bell rang, and everyone put up their trays and crammed into the twenty elevators.
He didn't even see Dan that day. He was upstairs in his bedroom again, and Father Figure figured he should let him have his alone time.
In the meantime, he had a message from daSCOOP to look at.
"Sender:
Address: .com
Subject: RE: You can help my son?
Yes, I can help your son. It only takes a day to help an addicted child. Tomorrow at 6 come to "Dr. M. P. Scoop's Therapy and Psychiatry" if possible. Then we can discuss what you should do for your child, how we should deal with the problem, et cetera. Sometime you can bring Dan. Hope to see you.
- M. P. Scoop (Scoop for short)"
Father Figure grinned. Soon Dan wouldn't be such a Bakugan addict!
- end -
Dan's whole life changed when a bunch of cards fell from the sky...
...and so did his dad's.
A, a-a, a-a, IT'S Dan's FA-THER! On the inside! Gone, gone, gone, it's not Bakugan!
Episode Two
Hyenatherapy
Father Figure stepped off of the Cross-Continental Railway. He'd taken a short ride to Scandinavia which, due to worldwide westernization, looked nearly identical to Your Town. People even had weird hair colors!
He found a small building on the corner. According to his Blackberry's built-in GPS system, this was the place, even though it didn't have any sign labeling it.
How does he get customers? Oh yeah. He advertises in places like Momo Inc.
A bell jingled as he opened the door to a hospital-like lobby. He sat on one of the chairs and picked up a magazine, National Geographic. On the cover leaped a bass. The big blue heading read, "Basses: Can They Help Cure ADD?" Father Figure was confused already and opened it up, but before he could start reading he heard a voice call him.
"Father Figure?"
Standing at the desk was a woman in a purple turtleneck. She had short silver hair that really didn't match with her small, youthful face. "I'm Dr. M. P. Scoop, sir."
Father Figure, looking startled, dropped the magazine back on its magazine table. "Oh!" He walked over to the desk and they shook hands. "N-nice to meet you."
"And pleased to meet you! You look like you're bothered by something. Is anything wrong? Because I can help you with that."
"Oh, nothing." He laughed a little, feeling nervous. Why am I so nervous? he asked himself.
"Maybe you're just tense. That's normal for first-time meetings. Come with me to the back and we'll talk about Dan." Dr. Scoop opened the flimsy wooden counter entrance and turned a corner. Father Figure slowly followed, taking in the surroundings. It looked so much like a hospital setting, for some reason,
Dr. Scoop was already sitting in a couch chair, and Father Figure sat across from her. It was cold and leathery. He didn't like cold leather, but he'd stay quiet for the time being.
"So," she said, taking out a clipboard and pencil, "tell me about Dan. After the Bakugan thing happened, I mean."
"He's VERY hot-blooded, all he wants to do is win things and battle Bakugans and talk to his friends about Bakugan. It's ALWAYS about the Bakugan. He's hardly interested in Yu-Gi-Oh anymore, or comics, or Legos. Whenever he talks to me - and that's very rarely - it's always Bakugan with him. Whenever he goes out he says it's for Bakugan, and it has me worried, as you've probably figured."
"Uh-huh...uh-huh..." She'd written this all down on a piece of paper. "Now before the Bakugan."
"He was still kind of hot-blooded, but he was more into comics and action figures. We went out more as a family, and by the way, he's hardly interested in it now."
"What type of comics and action figures?"
"Something called Keroro Gunsou, or Sgt. Frog...have you heard of that?"
"Uh-huh...that's not a good sign...and how old is this kid?"
"He's a preteen."
"Uh-huh...uh-huh...okay. I think I understand."
"You do?"
"Yeah. He's nearing what I call the 'point of no return'."
Father Figure gasped.
"But there's still time. Take a light approach at first. Try to engage him in some different conversation, buy him things, take him places that aren't related to Bakugan. Go more places as a family. And if he's still addicted to Bakugan after two months, contact me. I'll check up on you by then, anyways, so just remember this, alright?"
"Got it. Thanks, Dr. M. P. Scoop!" They leaned forward on their chairs and shook hands again.
"You're quite welcome, Father Figure, and good luck with your son. No father should ever have to deal with this, sir."
"No need to call me sir, ma'am." They laughed for some reason, and soon Father Figure was on his way back home on the CCR.
That dinner, Father Figure decided to take the first step toward curing Dan's addiction.
"So I found out that there was some guy named Mask the Money," Dan said, mouth full of rice, "and he's eating peoples' Bakugan!"
He laughed. "Well, that all sounds ridiculous and what-not, but how about that Keroro Gunsou you used to be so interested in? You used to talk about THAT quite a bit."
"I still have those figures, Dad, and I talk to them every night...by the way, one of my Bakugan talks. I forgot to bring him to the table tonight so he could talk to you, Dad."
"Well, that ALSO sounds ridiculous, but what about Yu-Gi-Oh?"
"Pffft. Yu-Gi-Oh's not cool anymore. Only the NERDS play that. And I'm not a nerd anymore, so I don't play it. You're so OLD and UNCOOL, Dad! Old people are so uncool!"
"You know I'm only 34, son!"
"Once you get past 29, you're automatically OLD and BORING."
I wish I could relate to my son somehow...
"...And besides, with Yu-Gi-Oh you're always BUYING stuff, but with Baku-"
"Then what happened to Legos?"
"It's like a dollhouse now. It's uncool for BOYS to play with DOLLHOUSES, y'know."
"Hm. Well, is there anything BESIDES Bakugan you're interested in?"
Dan thought on that one. "Well, not really. Except for TALKING TO PEOPLE about Bakugan!"
"Anything else you'll become interested in?"
"Well, I USED to be SORT OF into retro gaming..."
Father Figure's fingers mentally snapped. That's it! I remember retro games when I was a kid - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Action 52, Super Mario Bros., The Little Panda Fighter, Pac-Man...oh, they're all CLASSICS! And Mega Man X7, he's GOTTA have THAT!
"Son," he said, leaning forward on the table, "then I have got the PERFECT retro game for you. Ever heard of...Mega Man?"
"Mega Man Star Force? YEY-UH!"
"No, I mean, just...Mega Man."
"OHHH, you mean BATTLE NETWORK. Yeah, that's so retro."
"I MEAN MEGA MAN!"
"There was a REGULAR Mega Man!"
"Of course! And after that, there was a series called Mega Man X. You have to play X7, you HAVE to. I remember the days when I used to sit there, just SIT there...and listen to Flame Hyenard screech. Trust me, you have to hear it to believe it."
"They have videos of that."
"No, I mean you have to be playing the game!"
"...So I download an emulator?"
"No, the TRUE experience comes from buying the actual game and playing it with the actual controller."
"Then let's order it on Ebay!"
"No! You have to buy it from the video game store!"
"...From the ONLINE video store?"
"I mean the local game shop!"
"...Oh. Well, I'm kinda busy with Bakugan, so I don't really have that much spare time to go out and buy it. SPEAKING of BAKUGAN, there's a guy, and he's EATING Bakugans! And he's ranked 593, which is below my rank! But I gave him a piece of my mind and we're meetin' tomorrow!"
"Ah, well, that's nice." Father Figure looked over at his wife. She was silent. Without really listening to the nonsense his son was spouting, he continued to eat his dinner.
Momo had a crapload of money and didn't know what to do with it, so they hired an aerobics lady named Persimmon Day. Now at the start of every morning they would do basic stretches. It was all stuff like touching your toes and windmills and leg stretching.
As Persimmon breathed in and out she said, "INto adversity...OUT against oppression. INto adversity...OUT against oppression..."
How's this going to help me if I'm at a desk all day? he had to wonder. But then he felt more calm and at ease at his work station. And as he was relaxing on his swivel chair he found another advertisement "question":
"Want the car of your dreams? Come on down to Big Boy's Ol' West New Car Sellers right away! Yeehaw? -Guest"
He replied:
"I'd love to. But it's still an advertisement. Cost for advertisement: $0.01."
Father Figure glanced at the blue punch buggy pinned to the wall. His dream car! All these years he'd been driving that old yellow thing, but soon may come the day when he drives a beautiful, dark blue one! He could just imagine the scene; him cruising dangerously down the city street, his wife next to him and his son in the back.
"Woah!" His wife laughed, sticking her head out the window. "This is one wild ride, Fathy!"
"Heh! You haven't called me Fathy since we met in high school!"
"I know!" Her voice was high with excitement and exhilaration.
"You're right, Mom!" Dan shouted over the roar of the wind. "Maybe you're NOT so old and boring! I think cars are even cooler than Bakugan now!"
"Father Figure!"
He was leaning back in his swivel chair, deep in thought.
"FATHER FIGURE!"
"Whaaa!" With a very bland shout he was jolted out of the daydream, frazzled. "Boss?"
He looked up at a balding, small-mustached man. He had a stern look on his face, and sounded very gruff. "You've only answered 504 questions today."
"Yyyeah?" Boss gave him an even sterner look. "Oh! I'm behind! Sorry, I'll get back to work now!" He spun around to his computer and clicked an Answer Question button.
"Hmph," Boss grunted. "And if you're behind again, I'll make you work overtime. But I trust you, so you better not mess up again." He slowly walked away, every now and then glancing back at Father Figure.
Father Figure breathed a sigh of relief, answering more stupid questions.
He stepped into bed and sighed. Another day with yoga-practicing wife and Bakugan addict son. It'll get better.
He got under the covers and rested his head on the pillow, glasses still firmly in place. When he went to bed, he always thought about what he would do tomorrow.
First priority is getting Mega Man X7 the PC version for Dan. And if that doesn't work, he NEEDS to have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Oh, the good times me and that game have shared.
Where's a good place to find video games? Hmm...oh! Retro Shop! Hopefully they've got that!
The yellow punch buggy pulled into the Retro Shop, a quaint little shop that wasn't much different from those around it. That must have been why Father Figure had overlooked it all those years. He usually just came to the store next door, the Exotic Petz 4 U. Maybe he'd go in there again sometime. After all, he loved playing with the baby hippopotamuses.
As he came into the Retro Shop, he heard Rihanna's Umbrella blast through his ears. He looked around and noticed that the place had a decidedly new-millennium look to it. The whole store was a plain, basic white. Some "Save the Earth" things were scattered around the shop.
He walked up to the counter and faced a young, hair-dyed-blond girl. She was wearing tight, uncomfortable-looking jeans, and her red shirt (which had the faded text "INSPI(RED)" on it) showed some of her pudgy belly.
"Usually we've got an 80's motif," she pointed out, "but this month is New Millennimonth! So how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for Mega Man X7, the PC version." He added hastily, "Oh, a-and a game controller that can hook up to a computer!"
The lady opened a cabinet behind her, of which the glass pane in front looked see-through and revealed nothing inside. But it was really just shiny stuff, for she revealed a bunch of video games upon opening it up. On the top were the NES, Atari 2600/5200/7200 and Master System games (Lawnmower Man, Maruspilami, Name That Game, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (there were a few of those)), then the SNES, Genesis, Game Boy, and some other stuff.