Thanks for being so patient Random Writer 197
South Park's greatest, and only, superhero team, the Coon and Friends were huddled around the Coon's cell phone, his Coonmunicator. "The Coon and his friends are a bunch of fucking retarded wannabes", Kenny ranted to some other kid. "Oh grow up dude", Kyle muttered under his breath before he was silenced by a loud shhhhhh, from the team. "The Coon's a psychopath." "Fuck you", the Coon shouted at the screen. He was shushed as well. "who thinks being a hero means making the world a better place for himself." "Well that's what it means you fucking retard!", Cartman yelled at the video, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And the rest of them are little better. Their just kids looking for glory." The boys watched as their friend continued to converse. When Kenny was asked if Mysterion was different, he stared off into space for a while than said , "Yeah he's different all right." The video ended after that.
"Yeah he's different all right",Stan said imitating Mysterion's deep throaty Batman ripoff voice. "Oh shove it up your pretentious buttole Kenny.", he replied to his fake Mysterion persona. "Who does he think he is?", Tupperware asked to nobody in particular. "He's become a hipster."
"He's disappeared up his own asshole." "Why did we ever elect him as leader?" "That Motherfucker." "Timmy!"
"The video was sent to us by Professor Chaos, he probably seeks to divide us", Kyle warned. "Yeah but Chaos wouldn't be able to fabricate that video. That's Kenny's voice and he said that shit about us.", Token retorted . "That motherfucker", Cartman threw up his arms in indignation. "Yep that's Kenny dissing us for sure", Clyde added.
The boys sat down around two plastic tables joined together. The merged table was covered over with a white cloth with the Coon's logo emblazoned in the middle in black. The coon himself sat at the head of the table. The other heroes sat in plastic chairs at his flanks. The Coon wasted no time getting down to business. "I call a motion to expel Mysterion from the Coon and friends for being a butthole. All in favor say aye!", he shouted. And all shouted "Aye", in agreement, all except for Kyle, well and Timmy, who just shouted "Timmy!", which was assumed to mean aye.
The Human Kite spoke. "Look you guys I get that Mysteiron is being a dick. But that doesn't mean we should kick him off the team." "Yeah but he called us kids.", said Clyde. "Yeah that's fucked up", Stan added. "We already voted to kick him out. Your not going to change our minds Kyle", the Coon yelled from the front of the room.
Kyle sighed. "I just feel like we shouldn't be so harsh on him. I mean he just found out his sister's a whore. That would fuck up anybody." "That's no excuse for calling us children", Stan. said in rejoinder.
Kyle switched tracts. "Mysterion's our most popular character. We get rid of him we get rid of half the franchise. And I would also like to tell you that it feels like a pretty dick move to kick him out without even telling him about the plan for the CCU*." The Coon was unexpectedly calm. "I understand what your saying Human Kite. Mysterion's life may indeed be a never ending deluge of torment and pain that made his turn to evil inevitable." He bowed his head. "But the reality is that he is evil. And here at the Coon and Friends we don't let evil doers on our team, we fight them." His voice soared as he made the final point. And the hearts of the others soared with them. Oddly nobody, not even Kyle, thought to call the Coon out on his obvious hypocrisy. How he had committed much greater sins, and had been not only forgiven, but allowed to resume his post as team leader.
"As to your concerns about the future of the franchise have no fear, we'll just follow Marvel's example." Of course they would. While Cartman didn't seem to particularly like Disney products, if asked he would confess that he didn't like that the heroes always won and how everything ended "happily ever after." As for Marvel well he felt their movies had to much Weadon porn, that their villains were subpar, and that Thanos was taking way to fucking long But nobody had asked the Coon about any of this.
However, though he thought little of their stories , Cartman worshiped at the feet of Mickey's business strategy. This malevolent mouse had somehow managed to con the world into accepting him as the Emperor of all entertainment.
The MCU in particular had drawn the Coons attention. As he had studied it, and the shady behind the scenes dealings that enabled the publics regular heroics pornos to make it to the theater, he had become convinced that the could make the Coon and Friends into a franchise with the same, and perhaps greater potential for profit. Screw 1 million dollars. He wanted to make 1 Billion. The fact that this goal would allow him to exercise complete dictatorial control over the team, one cannot have a franchise if all the different characters are doing their own thing with no regard for the continuation of the broader cinematic universe, made the proposiion all the more sweet in the Coon's twisted eyes.
"We'll just pretend he never existed, write him out of the comics, not make his toys, not promote his movies when they are inevitably made by some other studio. Then we replace him with characters lower down in our lineup. Before long Mysteiron will be nothing more than a piece of the nostalgia for hipsters and comics fans to obsess over. The rest of our audience, the ones who will watch the movies and make us actual money, will when asked about him simply say, 'who is Mysteiron?'" The room was quite. Something about that speech had sent a gust of cold wind up Kyle's spine.
"I call a motion to discuss adding new heroes to the roster", Stan said, switching the topic. "We've already decided to add Jimmy and Scott Malkinson, so we've got replacements for both Mintberry crunch and Mysterion, how many more do we need?", asked the Coon. All the successful Marvel movies were jam-packed with cheesy one liners. And if their was one kid who did one liners better than any cripple alive it was Jimmy Valmer. Scot was added because while they already had a sex icon to make fangirls swoon, himself of course, they lacked a hero with the innocence of a lamb, that would trigger their maternal instincts. Butters would have been preferable for that role, he had Scots good nature and inability to stand up fro himself, and, the Coon was forced to admit to himself, was pretty good looking. But of course that was impossible. So the lisping pepper with diabetes would have to do. "Cartman, Marvel has a shit ton more characters than we do.", Stan said, appealing to the Coon's greedy nature. "Yeah but they waited years to get to that.", the Coon retorted. "All in favor" Stan asked. "The room spoke in unison with a cry of "Aye." The Coon glared intensely into Toolshed's's yellow work goggle covered "So Toolshed", "who do you propose we add to the team?", he sneered condescending.
Stan took in a deep breath. He knew it would be tough to convince the guys on this one. "Look a lot of girls are getting into superheroes lately. One of them is Wendy." " yyy eah I'll bbbbet she's getting into Suuuupppperheroes", Jimmy stuttered. "Bow chicka bow wow", Cartman said moving his hands forwards and backwards. Stan eyed The Coon and Jimmy menacingly. "No not I like that. I mean they want to become Superheroes." "Oh I get it your girlfriend sent you over here to ask if we could let her on the team." "Wwwwwow your rrrrrealy whipped", said Jimmy. Cartman activated an app on the communicator and a loud whip sound emanated. All laughed. All except Stan. "No it's not about that I just think that she would be a great addition to the team.", he said defensively. "Yeah as much as I like teasing Stan I have to agree, Wendy is pretty cool" , said Token, a man who would know from experience. "Oh wow you guys are seriously considering letting a girl on the team.", said the Coon. "Marvel did it", Cylde pointed out. "Yeah Black Window's cool.", said the Human Kite. "Fine fine I'll consider it. What she call herself?", the Coon asked with hurried irritation. "Call Girl" "Okay fine. We'll consider allowing Call Girl onto the team. But before we do that we have to look at other options." "Craig might be interested." "Fine I'll text him", said Cartman. They discussed the suitability of several other potential candidates, including Douchebag, Dogpoo, and Tweek. Cartman disliked all of them.
"You guys", said Kyle, "Did you ever think that maybe Mysterion was right about the TP bandit, and that we really should go deal with him?" "As a matter of fact I did.", said The Coon. "Then why did you kick him out?" "Because he crossed a line. A line that divides hero from villain right from wrong. And that line is disrespecting the athoritah of the Coon.!" "Of course it's all about you", rolled his eyes in dull surprise. "Well the team is called Coon and Friends.", spoke the Coon. "Look I think we should take this guy down too, but does anyone have a plan to do it?", Tupperware inquired. For a brief moment the Coon considered revealing the brilliant scheme he had concocted. But before he could divulge his intentions the door to the basement swung open. "Eric it's time for bed", his Mom called from the top of the stairs. The Coon protested but his mother held her ground. Bedtime was an issue she seemed more reluctant to budge on these days.
The Coon wished his friends farewell. He climbed up to his room. By his bedside was a package labeled "Mouse Trap." Everything was going according to plan.
*Coon Cinematic Universe.