A/N: Sorry about the wait people. I have no excuse.....except go and read this story on Twilighted, it's awesome: I don't Existby Twilight4rachael1042. It's New Moon re written, and it's so much better! God I cried...several times.
CHAPTER 15: And Then I Kissed Her
EPOV
I sat at the piano just playing. The notes weren't coming naturally to me tonight, my frustration showing through as I fumbled through passages of Debussy I'd played easily hundreds of times before. I was all dressed up but had yet to venture downstairs to the party. Alice would probably kill me but right at this moment I couldn't give a flying fuck. I just sat here wondering how the hell I got myself into this completely fucked up situation.
I was just trying to do the right thing wasn't I? Jess wasn't a bad person, and she didn't deserve to be dumped right before her birthday....or Valentine's Day for that matter. Keep using that as an excuse Cullen, you know you were just holding onto her to protect yourself from having to deal with Bella and James.
Fuck. I was an asshole.
The sound of Jess' voice when she'd spoken to me this afternoon unnerved me. I'd never heard he speak with so much emotion in her voice. She'd sounded so upset by her grandmother's stroke and current condition. We had no idea how long she'd be gone for.
Suddenly the music coming from downstairs was no longer a muffled beat, but a much sharper, louder sounding noise. I whipped my head around to see who had opened the door, letting the party in, breaking my solace. My fingers halted their movement on the keys as I watched Bella look at me with some surprise. She was so beautiful and my heart hurt just looking at her. The soft milky white skin of her shoulders was exposed and I just wanted to run my fingers along it, I regretted that I hadn't done it that first night.
"I didn't mean to interrupt," she said quietly, as if she could intrude.
"You could never interrupt," I murmured in response, not even sure if she would hear what I said or not.
She made her way to the piano bench and she sat next to me, the warmth from her body sending tingles down my arm and leg where it radiated.
"Where's Jessica tonight, I don't think I saw her downstairs?" So she'd noticed then? Was she looking for her, for me? She couldn't possibly have been looking for me, she would have been too fucking occupied with James, my brow furrowed at the thought of him. Of her.
"She had to leave town for a while. Her grandmother who she's apparently quite close to is really sick. They're not expecting her to last much longer so she's gone to Portland to be with her." I sighed a little at the thought of what this meant. I couldn't bow out on Jess now. I couldn't make it worse for her. I ran my fingers across the piano keys in an effort to stop from taking her hand in mine. It kept my fingers off her, but not my mind. Without thinking I asked, I asked the one question I don't think I really wanted to know the answer to.
"Have you left....James alone down there to fend for himself?" My heart dropped to the bottom of my chest leaving a hollow that only intensified the echo of the rapid beating as I waited for her answer. I was sure she would be able to hear the hollow sound it if she listened closely. But her eyebrows lifted and she looked down into her lap briefly before she replied.
"Oh..... he didn't end up coming." My heart leapt, my lungs filled completely with air at her revelation. "He......he stayed in Phoenix." This was like a reprieve, and without even thinking I began to play soft notes, little flutters of sweetness that mirrored the feelings I held for the creature seated beside me on the piano bench. I began to feel light again. Buoyed by the absence of the two weights that kept us apart. That kept me from her.
"Bella...?" I turned to face her. I had to know. And I had to make her know, understand it wasn't just a one night thing for me. I had my opportunity and I wanted to know what she felt. After all this time I still didn't know what she thought about that night or about me, or about us.
".....do you ever think about that night?" I asked, and without hesitation she nodded her head. My heart leapt back to life and as my shallow breaths increased in speed I drank her in. I couldn't fucking stop myself anymore. I couldn't stay away any longer.
"I can't get you out of my head." I shook my head from side to side a little at my frustration in the situation. I couldn't stand it anymore, she had to know. She had to know how I felt about her, didn't she? Well if she didn't before I was going to make it damn clear now.
I cupped Bella's face in my hand and just fucking stared at her, taking in ever detail. I hadn't been this close to her since that night. It was better than I had remembered. I'd feared that perhaps I was just holding onto the memory of what we had and that I'd put her up on a pedestal, only for her not to live up to what I'd imagined. But she did. And she was breathtaking. Our lips met, softly at first, light brushes as I gauged her reaction to having me this close. Once I realised she wasn't going to pull away I pulled her in closer to me, her chest pressed against mine, my arm wrapped around her.
Her hands were in my hair, this was definitely a sign that she wanted this, she wanted to be here. In this moment, kissing me. I murmured her name. But all too soon I felt her body stiffen. No. No, Bella, don't do this. Don't do this again.
She pushed against my chest and my brain automatically took over. Please no. Don't go back to him. Not again.
"Stop....we have to stop Edward," she gasped. Did I do that to her? Did I take her breath away? No you fool, you've just lost her forever. The look on her face was agonising. Was she hurt because of James or because of me? I couldn't fucking tell. "We can't....this isn't right."
Fix this. You have to fix this. You can't lose her completely. "Bella. Bella I'm so sorry..."
She stood from the bench and backed her way towards the door, only breaking eye contact as she turned to leave. But she stood at the door for a few moments, not moving before she fled.
Her hesitation was enough to tell me. It was enough to tell me she was thinking about this, about us, somehow. In some way. I held onto that. I had wished for just one more kiss. One more chance to pour everything I felt for her into one blissful moment where Jess & James didn't exist. And I got it. I got the chance.
But what the fuck was I doing still sitting here? I'd stupidly let her walk away before. I couldn't let her do it again.
I flew off the chair and down the hallway to the top of the stairs. She was at the bottom and didn't look up as I raced after her. She was disappearing into the sea of people, leaving me behind. But this time there was no fucking way I was going to let her walk away without making her understand that I wanted more and I wasn't going to take no for an answer this time.
She was making her way through the crowd of people and I could see she was headed for the door. I ignored everyone who tried to grab my attention and flew out the door after her. There was no one outside. It was too bloody cold, Jasper was the only one crazy enough to be outside when it was this cold, that guy just had no sense of sub zero temperatures.
"Bella.....Bella....wait up."
She hesitated again before slowly turning towards me. Her face was smudged with tears and she looked murderous.
"How could you do that?" She hit my chest as I tried to control her flailing arms. "Why did you do that to me?"
"Because....because I.....fuck, Bella, stay still. I've wanted to do that ever since you came back."
"But you said you were sorry. Why would you kiss me like that and then regret it. You can't do that Edward." She ripped her arm from my grasp and went to storm away from me again. It was like she hadn't heard what I'd said.
"What do you mean?"
"You regret it. You did it again and you still regret it."
"Fuck Bella, why do you still think I regret it?"
"First you were mad at me when I came back to Forks, and then you go and kiss me and apologise. Can't you just let me be?"
"Fuck, Bella," I groaned and ran my free hand through my hair. "I don't regret this. I don't regret you. Fuck, that's just....that's just so not what any of that was about. How could you....." My heart was aching in my chest at the thought. But she looked up into my eyes, bewildered. "I said I was sorry because I could see the pain on your face. I could....because I made you run away. Because there are other people we should be considering. Because I put you in a position where....where you're....cheating on James and I know how you feel about that."
She began to calm considerably, taking her bottom lip into her mouth and biting on it, hard. She was contemplating what I'd said. Please believe me Bella.
"Then why were you so angry with me when I came back?"
"Oh god. Bella. I wasn't angry with you. I was angry with myself, with everyone else. Fuck, I don't know. I guess it looked like I was mad at you because you denied me. I was mad about the situation. Because I was with Jess. Then I found out you were with James."
She nodded her head slowly as I tried to explain my way out of the fucked up situation we were in.
"Bella, Bella you have to understand. That night......that night has been stuck in my head on some sort of non-stop loop. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter how fucking hard I try I can't stop the feeling of you. The first time we touched, when you jumped down into my arms I knew. Fuck, Bella. Even when you were gone. And when you came back and I wasn't prepared I just...I just didn't handle it well." I groaned in frustration, she just stood there with this bewildered look on her face. I wasn't convincing her. "I want you so badly Bella."
Her eyes widened at my revelation. I'd said it. I got it out there and it felt good. Nothing had changed but it felt good to finally just fucking tell her how I felt.
But she looked away, shamefaced. No. I reached out, raising my hand up just making contact with her cold cheek before she whipped her head away from my hand, leaving it there in mid air as she scowled at me.
"No Edward. You can't do this to me," she spat. "You can't have it both ways you asshole." She turned in her fury and made it to the door of her truck before I'd even had a chance to respond to her last accusation.
::::::
APOV
It wasn't until I saw Edward come flying down the stairs that I realised I hadn't seen him all night. My brain was so fogged up this week that I was finding it a little difficult to focus on anything other than the flutter in my chest every time I thought about Jasper. His pretty lips, his pretty smile, his pretty blue eyes, his pretty....everything, gah! I needed to get a grip and focus but it was just too fucking hard.
Every time I looked for him at the party his eyes were on me. Even when Bella was sitting on his lap, he'd be laughing at whatever she was saying but his eyes would wander in my direction and we'd lock eyes across the room.
The week after our date had been torture. Pure torture. On the one hand I just wanted to jump his bones. Desperately. But there were a few reasons why I hadn't. Firstly I wasn't that girl. I didn't quite trust Jasper yet. I didn't trust that he wouldn't just shag me and leave. But the trust was building up every day as I saw him keep his distance from all other potentially shagable girls. Secondly, he was still hesitant about how Edward would feel about the possibility of Jasper and I being together. And thirdly, we just hadn't had the goddamn opportunity. Partly because we'd hardly seen each other outside of school. Partly because I wasn't entirely sure where everything actually stood between us. I mean our date on Saturday night had ended perfectly. After our first kiss we didn't seem to be able to keep our lips off each other. It had ended with Jasper walking me to our front door and kissing me long and slow. He hadn't once tried to grope me or feel me up. He didn't try and take me anywhere and shag me. He treated me with the sweetest respect.
But this week he'd touched a few times on the hand, but he'd never held it and we hadn't kissed either. However every time I looked around if he was in the general vicinity he would smile softly at me, meeting my gaze.
It was just the sweetest fucking thing ever but fuck was it frustrating.
Tonight I didn't go for demure like I did for our date on Saturday night. While I wasn't necessarily expecting to get into his pants tonight, I certainly wanted Jasper panting after me. And by god it seemed to be working. Every so often Jasper would make his way towards me and without even saying a word he'd brush the back of my hand or lightly caress my pinky and I would follow him. We'd end up in Dad's study which was locked, but of course I had the key. We'd kiss and giggle and talk about how slutty certain people looked and the various hook ups that appeared to be taking place around us. We discussed James not being here and our eternal optimism that Edward would dump his skanky girlfriend, which according to Jasper he was planning on. Yay! And then we'd go our separate ways for a little while.
By the end of the night Jasper was getting impatient. After I saw Edward disappear Jasper stalked towards me (oh my), and grabbed my hand. All subtlety gone. As soon as we were in the study his mouth was on mine. God I loved this desperate side of him!
"Fuck, Ali, why are we waiting? I don't think I can wait any longer?" His lips were on my neck, nipping and sucking and tasting me. It was heaven.
"Because Jas. We talked about this. I'm just not ready yet. I don't think we're ready yet."
"That's such bullshit Alice. I've been ready for so long for this, I don't see what the point is, when are you going to be ready?" Jasper tickled my side a little and I felt his thumbs brush over the sides of my breasts. Ooooh, no one had ever done that before. I moaned a little at the sensation of someone's hands on me. "Fuck Alice you've just got no idea what you do to me. I just don't think I can control myself around you anymore."
I giggled at him. He was so fucking cute like this.
"Jasper, I just want to keep this between you and me for now. I want to enjoy you without having to put up with shit from Edward and the girls at school. You do realise that if this works out between us...."
"What do you mean 'if this works out'? What makes you think it wouldn't?" Jasper has stopped the movement of his lips across my collar bone and was now staring at me, a look of panic in his perfect blue eyes.
"It was just a figure of speech, but it is still early days and you haven't really been the commitment type." He pouted at my last statement. "Which leads me to my point, I'm not going to be very popular at school with lots of girls once word gets out that you and I are together. Wait stop. Are we together?"
"Yes Alice. We're together. And I'm so sorry Alice. If I could take all those girls back then I would."
He was so sweet. And he was mine. Well.....for now at least.
As the party wound down I spotted my brother across the room, he was picking up bottles. What the fuck? Edward never cleaned up after a party the lazy fucker. There was definitely something off. Very fucking off. Ugh....too many swear words, I must be up to my eyeballs in vodka. Do I tackle this now or do I tackle it later?
But before I could answer that question Angela came towards me, an evil little smirk on her usually innocent face. She pulled me aside and spoke to me quietly so no one could hear us....oh, except for Ben who was trailing behind her. What was up with that?
"Alice, Alice, thank the lord I found you." You wouldn't wipe the grin off her face. I wandered whether it had anything to do with Ben who was waiting behind her, hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth from his heels to his toes. A huge grin on his sweet face.
"What's up Ange? Or should I say who's up?" I smirked looking over her shoulder in Ben's direction. She looked down shyly and then back up at me smiling sweetly and blushing.
"Yeah, um...." she giggled sweetly again. She shook her head and continued. "I was just using the bathroom upstairs, sorry, I know you don't usually like us to be upstairs but I was busting and you're never going to believe what I heard?"
Oh, oh, maybe this would get me to the bottom of why Edward went flying after Bella earlier!
"Do tell."
"I overheard Lauren on the phone, I think she was on the phone to Jess who is noticeably absent by the way."
Jesus, I did have my head stuck up my ass all night. I hadn't even noticed the dirty skank wasn't here. How in the fuck had I missed that? Oh that's right. Jasper. Sigh.
"Wait, what, why wasn't Jess here? Please tell me she's broken up with my dip shit of a brother?" Oh pretty please.
"Well, I can't be sure about that. But for Bella's sake hopefully."
"So you know about them then?"
"Yeah, she told me about it the other day."
I grinned. If Bella was telling people it was definitely a good sign.
"So....?"
"Oh, well it was weird, Lauren was getting upset with Jess about something, I couldn't quite tell what, there was lots of 'I can't believe you' and 'my god you work fast', but then I heard her say 'but what about Edward?' and the next thing she said was 'well I hope you don't catch anything?'."
"And it was definitely Jess she was speaking to?"
"Yes, I heard Lauren say her name."
"Well, well, well, what are we to do with this little piece of information?"
"Why little Alice what are you up to?"
"Hmmm, leave it with me Ange. Turnabout is fairplay."
I was ecstatic. What was I going to do with this piece of information? Not that it was hard facts or anything. But that little bitch was definitely up to something, I just had to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with it.
The last of the party goers disappeared. Well the ones who were going to be leaving tonight anyway. There were always a few who ended up staying. I checked under the dining room table to see if there was anyone there. Mike Newton was passed out, seems he liked the underneath of out dining room table for some reason, it's the second time he'd stayed there after a party. Rose and Em would be in the spare room, Edward had already disappeared, I presumed Bella never came back in, and I found Jasper. He was sitting on the steps leading to the top floor of the house.
"Hey there cutie," he said smiling sweetly at me.
"So.....you coming up?" I cocked my head to the side innocently. This would be out first real opportunity to be alone since our date. And I was nervous as hell.
"Is that what you want?" He asked, standing up and taking both of my hands in his. I simply nodded in reply and walked up the stairs, one of his hands still in mine as I lead him to my bedroom.
::::::
BPOV
I lay in my bed Saturday night wandering what the hell was going on in my head. Edward had kissed me. He'd kissed me. And I thought my mood swings were bad. I wasn't sure whether to be angry with him or not. On one hand I was mad as hell. He shouldn't have kissed me. But I let him, I kissed him back. I'd wanted to kiss him back. As soon as his lips met mine my body and my brain just responded as if it was the most natural thing in the world. But then my heart started pounding as I thought about James and I was rocked by guilt. I'd cheated on him. But hang on. He hadn't shown up. He hadn't returned my calls, what the fuck was that about? I was mad as hell at him as well.
That night I dreamed. I didn't have nightmares, I actually dreamed, and it was about my mother. She was sitting at a piano playing the piece that Edward had been playing before I walked into the room. I knew it was familiar to me when I'd heard the beautiful notes coming from the room Edward was in, but I hadn't been able to put my finger on it then. When I woke in the morning and thought back over the dream I realised she had played it when I was younger, but it wasn't something I remembered until I woke.
I sat up in bed and ran my fingers through my hair in frustration, wandering what the hell I was going to do. But I was broken from my musings by a knock at the door.
I quickly threw on some clothes and went downstairs, hesitating before opening the door. I had no idea what to expect. Or who to expect more to the point. Who did I want it to be? Edward or James. James or Edward? I was afraid at the answer to that question and tried not to let my brain think about it. So I was surprised to see a man dressed head to toe in khaki green standing at the door with his back to me. He turned quickly on hearing the door swing open, I didn't even see his face, it was hidden behind a massive sea of dark red rose buds. There must have been at least two dozen of them.
"Bella Swan?" The stranger asked.
I just nodded my head in reply. I was speechless. No one had ever sent me flowers before, well, other than for my mother, and I must admit my heart rate picked up at the thought of who the sender could be. It was Valentine's Day today after all. The flowers were thrust into my hands. They were heavy to hold which was unexpected. And their scent hit me like a tonne of bricks. I watched, still dumbfounded as the delivery guy made his way down the front steps and then out of the front yard. I looked down at the roses and noticed a card taped to the side of the purple paper that they were wrapped in. But as I looked further down I was taken aback to see another bunch of flowers. They were at my feet.
A little smile crept up on my face as I looked down at a bunch of wildflowers that had been haphazardly gathered together held tight by a blue ribbon wrapped around their stems. I knelt down and studied them for a few moments but didn't pick them up. I turned my attention back to the enormous bunch of roses that were now laying across my lap. I pulled the little envelope off and opened up the card. Surprised at what I found inside.
Bella B,
Forgive me. I should have been there. I'm sorry. Happy Valentine's Day my love. I miss you more than you'll ever know.
Yours for always,
James
I hated roses.
James of all people should know this. They were all over my mother's coffin the day we buried her.
I closed the card, the pang in my heart intensifying as I looked down at the beautiful scrappy bunch of flowers & foliage by my knee. Not much grew around here in winter, I was surprised anyone could find any flowers at all at this time of year from the wild. But someone had. There was a tag attached to the ribbon, face down. The roses slipped off my lap onto the floor as I flipped the tag over and looked at the brief message.
You are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I could never regret that.
My heart pounded in my chest as I re-read the words that could only have been penned by Edward's elegant hand, my mouth popped open as I realised what it meant. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning.
Shit.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Was he making reference to our conversation about firsts from that night? I couldn't tell.
I picked up the bunch and studied the strange handpicked flowers that were somehow more beautiful than the roses that would have cost James a fortune. I looked at them and wandered what Jess had received this morning. Was it something impersonal like the large bunch of roses that lay in my lap? Or had Edward gone to some effort to get her something with true meaning? I stood up taking both bunches of flowers with me, confused at what I was feeling. James hadn't bothered to pick up the phone to tell me he wasn't coming at all after our fight. But he sends me a huge bunch of flowers. What's with that? And Edward picks me a bunch of flowers and anonymously leaves them on my door step with a heart stopping message.
I had no idea where to go from here. I only wish my mom was here to help me figure out what I was feeling. But somehow I think I know what she would have said. Pick James, go with James, he's adorable, he's wonderful, he treats you so well....and then if only she'd known the rest of it she would have been enraptured. She was always so disappointed that I never took him back, while she was still alive anyway. Then he'd helped me get better, he'd helped me in the hospital. And I was going back to Phoenix after school. What was the point in not being with him? I loved the idea that my mother knew and approved of the guy I would spend the rest of my life with.
::::::
I didn't speak to Edward that day. But I did speak to James. He called and apologised profusely for being such a child. He told me it was just because he was so jealous and missing me so much that he became hurt and angry. He wanted to know how much I loved the flowers so I tried to muster some enthusiasm about them. I looked at the wildflowers as I told him they were beautiful. James told me he would try to get up to see me next weekend. I wasn't going to hold my breath. I think I just needed a little time to calm down about the whole situation before I forgave him for not turning up.
At around 3 o'clock Alice and Rosalie arrived. Last night at the party we'd planned a girls afternoon, knowing that Emmett had a history exam to study for the next day. And that included Jasper as well but we hadn't discussed that openly. Their whole relationship seemed to still be on the down low.
We were up in my bedroom gossiping about the party when Alice started asking questions about Rosalie's and my sex lives. I knew what she was up to. But I'm pretty sure Rose had no clue what was going on between her and Jasper.
"So, does sex really hurt, like, does it hurt a whole lot or just a teensy bit?" Alice continued to flip through the magazine she was reading not making eye contact with Rose or me. Rose looked up at me raising her eyebrow while I tried to keep a straight face.
"Well...." Rose began, "that depends on who's rogering you Alice. If you're thinking of having sex with Mike Newton I'm pretty sure it won't hurt a bit, you won't feel a thing. But if you're thinking of having sex with Jasper Whitlock then I'd be ready for a bit of pain and discomfort."
Alice blushed, but didn't look up and Rose didn't bite.
"So, it hurts then. Does it get better?"
"Oh Alice, you have no idea," Rose drawled. "It's like nothing else. It's like.....it's like," I was glued to what Rose was going to say. I could see the passion and fire behind her eyes as she tried to come up with the right adjectives for sex with Emmett. I couldn't wait to hear what she was going to say because I was getting the impression I'd never felt it. Except maybe that once. "I don't know? I guess it's like the most toe curling sensation you could ever imagine. It's painful in the most pleasurable way at first and then it just becomes all encompassing like....like, fuck I don't know Alice. It's just the most fucking amazing thing. But I don't know whether it could feel that way with someone you hardly know. I think to feel that level of completeness you probably have to feel so comfortable with the person, be on a different level with the person, I guess be in love with them to feel all of that."
Alice sighed in contentment with Rose's answer. I simply screwed up my face.
"Don't you agree Bella?" Fuck, what didn't I agree with.? All of it? Well not quite. The bit about the sensations and the way it felt were spot on, although I'd only experienced that the once. The bit about having sex and not experiencing that with a stranger was crap. But I couldn't talk about that so I went with the other angle.
"Well, sex doesn't always feel....well, let's just say you can love someone and have sex that doesn't....you know. I don't know, it doesn't always......"
"Bella, does James, or let me re phrase that, did James ever.....have you ever gotten off during sex?" Rosalie asked. Fuck, why was she always so straight with her questions?
"What......" fuck how do I answer this? "Yes I've gotten off during sex."
"OK, so was that one of the most amazing sensations?" I stared blankly at Rose as I thought about my answer. It was. But it wasn't with James. Sex with James had never been about me. It had been awkward and robotic and always about James' needs. Never about mine. It was always rushed, never sweet or caring or...anything that that night with......But I had to stop myself, I couldn't keep comparing what I had with James with the one night I'd shared with Edward. For all I knew that one night with Edward wasn't actually what had happened, it was just the way it was in my mind. After all I was somewhat inebriated when we were together. But the kiss last night, surely the feeling of that kiss which brought everything flooding back was an indication that my memory from that night was in fact correct. But I couldn't get away from Rosalie's question, Alice was looking at me expectantly.
"Yeah, yeah it was." I answered honestly. Alice just looked at me knowingly, I blushed slightly and looked down at my hands in my lap to avoid her knowing eyes.
I couldn't think of anything else that night as I lay in bed after the girls had left. Was Rosalie right about the depth of feeling she thought needed to be there before sex could feel all encompassing? Either she was very wrong, or there was something about that night that had me feeling all sorts of things for Edward. As I slowly drifted off to sleep I thought about the inexplicable draw I'd had to him that night. It was there last night too, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could ignore it. I just wasn't sure I had the choice.
A/N: So what did you think? When are these two going to get your shit together? Well, I hate authors notes that give stuff away so I'm not going to say, but let me just tell you I'm not an epic writer. Just go and read the story I rec'd at the start. You'll love it! Oh, and leave me a little review! Pretty please.