Disclaimer: I don not own Hollyoaks or it's charactors (except Alex) Hiya! Enjoy! Please Review!

Ste

I was leaning against the door, my knees tooked under my chin, when Amy found me. She helped me up, led me to my room and we both sat on my bed. I felt numb, like my insides had frozen. I couldn't think properly. I couldn't feel properly - I didn't know what to feel. I wanted to hide, to hide somewhere far away where no one could find me. Somewhere far away from Brendan and the things he brought with him. The pain, anger and violence. I didn't want to be the old Ste. He was uncontrolable, a ticking time-bomb. But then I thought of the other things Brendan brought. He may bring pain but he also brings joy. He may bring anger but he also brings excitement. He may bring violence but he also brings passion. God, I was back to square one. Clueless, defenseless & completly out of my depth. I needed help, I needed fucking professional help. I was addicted to Brendan Brady. I couldn't even tell if it was love anymore, or just an obsession. He was obsessed with me, obsessed with the power he held over me. I knew that much from his actions. But why? Why me? Why had he chosen me to possess and not someone else? And why had he held onto me and not discarded me like he'd planned?

The answer was simple: he loved me. But that was the problem: it was almost too simple. Brendan didn't do simple; he did complex and unreadable and always, always, had an ulterier motive. That's one of the first lessons he'd taught me. The very thought that someone who was as much of a control freak as Brendan could fall in love against his will...well, it was unbelievable. But that was what happened, wasn't it? He fell in love with me. He even told me so, right before I'd punched him. He wouldn't, couldn't, lie about something like that...could he? What was I thinking - of course he could! This was Brendan Brady! He didn't have boundries or morals, he didn't have regrets or second-thoughts. There was no line he wouldn't cross. I'd always thought he was loyal and he'd tried to protect me before but what if it had all been part of some sick, twisted game? What if, after everything we'd been through, he really was just the psychopath everyone thought he was?

There was only one person in the whole damned world that I'd talk to about this: Amy Barnes. I trusted her. She'd seen me at my best and seen me at my worst. However, she hadn't abandoned me like everyone else I'd ever cared about had. She hadn't betrayed me or lied to me. I loved her: she was the mother of my kids and my best friend. I just didn't love her in that way, not in the way I loved Brendan. God, I wish I did love her like that as it would make everything a million times simpler. She held my hand as I told her what happened as if she was scared I'd fall apart without some support. Maybe I would've done. I told her everything, everything about Alex and all the conversations I'd had with Brendan. I told her about the trip to the club and Brendan punching me. Finally, I told her what Alex had told me and how I'd followed his advice and hurt Brendan. I knew she wouldn't like it but I had to tell her. At the very least, she could help me survive. Because that's what I did: I survived. No matter what the world threw at me, if I couldn't recover, then I at least survived. And I knew that I didn't have a hope in Hell of recovering from falling for Brendan Brady but I might just survive.

Once I'd finally finished speaking she was silent as if processing the information before finally saying "Are you going to be okay?"

Was that it? I felt like my world was crumbling in my hands and that is what she says. What a stupid question.

"No." I croaked, tears already threatening to fall.

"Oh, come here, Ste." She cried, pulling me into her arms. And she held me, as though I was a child afraid of the dark. I don't know how but it made me feel a little better, a little stabler. At least I wasn't alone. We sat there for around 15 minutes before I finally pulled away.

"I'm sorry." I told her.

"Why?"

"Because I let you down. Again. I know you don't think violence is the answer but he was just there. Telling me he loved me."

"He isn't capable of love." She spat.

"What d'ya mean?" I asked.

"You've got to see it Ste. What you and Brendan had - it wasn't real." Ouch. That stung. It hurt all the more because I'd been questioning the reality of my feelings as well.

"Really, then what was it? Imaginary?" I snapped.

"Ste." She said, looking hurt.

"Look, I'm sorry. Okay? It's just, well, everything" I sighed, "The feelings I have for Brendan are real. They're just messed up and confusing and that. Sometimes it's like I know him and it's great. But then, other times, it's like he's a total stranger. But we still have this...connection. D'ya understand?"

"A connection?" She asked, skeptically.

"Yes, a connection." How couldn't she understand? She said she'd been in love with Lea, didn't she? So had it not felt like this for them? I didn't know what it would be like without this feeling. When I walk into a room, I search for Brendan and aren't satisfied until I find him. When I look at him I can almost tell what he's thinking - it's only when I start to question and second-guess things that the world falls apart. I trusted him, I needed him. It was like we shared a mutual understanding.

"How could you love someone like that?" She stared at me.

"Love...what's love?" I laughed.

"Love is beautiful. You love someone because they're kind and considerate, because they make you smile, because they help you and are there for you. Love is about both people being right for each other." She told me. Well, I'm not kind and neither is Brendan - did that mean we were unloveable? It wasn't my fault that I put myself and those I loved infront of other people, I'd been raised in a world where, if you didn't think of yourself, you didn't survive. Brendan could make me smile and vise-versa but there'd been so much drama that it was a rare occasion. Brendan had helped me out before, he'd helped me with money and had even defended me - although half the time it was unwanted. He was there for me too, he'd been there after the fire and when Rae had lost my kid. But the last thing she said 'Love is about both people being right for each other' was what really got me thinking. Were me and Brendan right for each other?

"I know what you're thinking. You're wondering if you and him are right together." She said. Well, she was my best friend and she knew me well.

"Yeah."

"Well, I have to say this, but I don't think you are. I mean, come on Ste! Whenever you're together, someone gets hurt. You fight and destroy each other. You can't be made for each other! Love is about balancing each other out, keeping each other stable. Not about an overload of emotions that lead to one of you exploding."

Maybe she was right, maybe we were a toxic combination. But, if that were true, why does it feel like anything else would be pale in comparison? Maybe the only way to love was to be on the verge of exploding. Everything we did, we did it with everything - no half meausures or holding back. I'd given everything to Brendan and he'd given everything back. How could something like that be false?

"Maybe your right." I told her, "Maybe me and Brendan are doomed but I can't just get over him. It's impossible, Amy. You can't love someone that much and then: nothing,"

"You need a fresh start, someplace where you won't have to see him all the time." Said Amy.

"Yeah, 'cause we've got loads of money. We can definately just pick up and leave, can't we?" I replied sarcastically.

"No but maybe if you left, found yourself a flat somewhere or something. Get a job, you know?"

"What, and leave you and the kids? No chance." I shook my head.

"I know it would be hard but if it's whats best for you then, well, I'm not going to hold you back." She insisted.

"I'm skint Amy. I can't afford to move. I need a job, not a new house." I told her, knowing I was telling the truth.

"Well, you're going to have to do something about Brendan. And fast." She said, before leaving me to attempt to get some sleep.

The next morning I would've sworn that I'd been hit by a truck. My head was pounding from the amount of booze I'd drunk, my ribs hurt due to Brendan's punch and my hands hurt - probably due to connecting with Brendan's face.

"Ouch." I winced, climbing out of bed. Part of me, in fact most of me, did not want to get up at all. However, I needed to put on a brave face for Amy, needed to prove to her that I could cope with everything. I needed to get through it for her and Leah and Lucas; I owed them that much at least. Besides, I'd promised Alex I'd see him today. Apparently, he had some good news.

It was the start of a new day and I was dreading it all ready.

Brendan

I stared at the reflection in the mirror. My lip was split and a bruise was starting to appear on my jaw. My ribs also hurt but I didn't think they were broken. Stephen was stronger than I'd ever given him credit for. It wasn't often that someone managed to leave a mark on me and I thought it was right that Stephen should do it. I'd turned his beautiful skin black and blue plenty of times and now he'd done the same in return. I wondered how long it would take before we ended up back together. A week? A month? If it was up to me, he'd be around here right now and we'd make up for all the time we'd been apart. However, it wasn't just up to me and I knew Stephen could be stubborn. Hell, sometimes he was even more persistant than me! But I knew he'd come back, I knew it now more than ever. Most people would think that, by hitting me, Ste had shown that he didn't care about me any more, that he was over me. But I saw it as something entirely different. When I told Stephen that I loved him, if he hadn't cared, he would have just walked away. But no, he lashed out and that showed me just how much the words affected him.

I was walking through the village, towards the club, when I came face-to-face with Alex.

"Oooh, looks painful." He smirked, "Did Ste do that?"

"What's it to you?" I growled.

"Nothing. Just pleased that he hadn't lost himself completely." He replied.

"What?" I asked.

"The old Ste. I thought he might be gone completely. Apparently not." He grinned.

"What d'ya mean, 'the old Ste'?"

"He used to be a right violent son-of-a-bitch. Always getting into fights. He was too cocky, had a big mouth. But at least he stuck up for himself. But now he's different - calmer, gentler. Amy and the kids have turned him soft. And you, well you're pretty fucked up, ain't ya?" He smiled, "You messed with Ste, hurt him, tried to control him. And Ste let you! Now that, that was nothing like the old Ste. And do you know why he let you?"

"You said it yourself, he'd changed."

"No, that wasn't it. As you can see by the bruises on your face, Ste hasn't changed that much. No, it just takes more to push him over the edge. But then again, you did plenty. No, he let you because he loved you. Ste loved you!"

"What's your point?" I hissed. I didn't want to be discussing Stephen, especially not with him.

"You haven't got a clue, have you? D'ya even know how much you had? And how much you lost." He shook his head, "I know Ste better than most people. He doesn't trust people easily and never, ever, allows himself to be vulnerable. But he did with you. And then you broke him. You're disgusting. D'ya have any idea how much damage you've caused? The first person he let's close in ages and you turn out to be a psycho. But he'll survive, I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure he forgets you because you are nothing. A waste of space."

"Go away, Alex. You're the one who doesn't have a clue." I replied.

"Is that right?" He snapped.

"Yeah, yeah it is. You think you know Stephen, you don't know him like I do. Because I know him inside and out, I know every secret, every thought, every fear. He. Is. Mine. And that is because we have something that you," I said, pointing at him. We were close enough that my finger prodded him in the chest, "will never understand. So, we can sit here and debate it all day or you can run off and go play the protective best mate somewhere else. Got it? Good."

I walked away before he could respond. It took him around 10 seconds to think up a reply, "I suppose you'll be going to see Ste now. Oh no, my mistake. He won't want to see you. He's very busy. You know how much hastle moving is, right?" He called. His words froze me in my tracks. Moving? Why would Stephen be moving?

"What?" I spun around to face him.

"Oh, so now you're interested?" He laughed, "Sorry, but it's not my secret to tell. Besides, it's actually none of your buisness."

"Really?" I snarled, marching towards him. "Well, I'm making it my buisness."

"Are you?" He grinned. The smile was wiped of his face, however, when I grabbed him by his jacket and shoved him against the wall. It was funny that the gesture could be so similar and yet so different to what I'd done to Ste.

"Yes, yes I am. You see, Alex. I don't like people trying to be funny especially when what they're saying isn't funny in the slitest. So, why don't you stop trying to be clever and tell me exactly what the Hell you're talking about."

"Make me." He said, defiant as ever.

"Oh, I will." I growled, an inch away from punching him.

"Only, I don't think Ste would approve of you deckin' his best mate now, would he? That kind of thing is unforgivable."

I paused. He was right. Ste cared about Alex, though God only knows why. "We'll have to continue this some other time." I said, brushing down his jacket. I knew perfectly well that I was invading his personal space but I didn't care.

"See you around, Brendan." He smirked.

"You will be." I replied and left.

Ste

Choices. Who needs them? I hated choices, not least because I usually made the wrong ones. And now I faced another choice, a huge one: should I leave Hollyoaks? When I'd met with Alex, he'd told me that he'd got a job and was planning to move. He'd asked me if I wanted to come with him. It wasn't anything romantic or anything - he wasn't asking me to move in with him or anything...well, he was but not in that way. Alex was straight and my best mate. And that's why he asked me to move with him because he was my best mate and he thought I needed to get out of that place. He was offering me a fresh start and I'd be a fool to refuse. Even Amy was telling me to go and she wasn't Alex's biggest fan.

But, it was a huge decision and I thought of what I'd be leaving behind: Amy, Leah, Lucas, the only family & home I'd ever known. Was it really worth losing all that to escape the bad memories that haunted the village like an ever-present cloud? And then there was Brendan. Because of him, I wanted to leave and finally escape him for good, but because of him, I also wanted to stay. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I considered not answering it but changed my mind at the last minute. I opened the door.

Brendan

I had to know. I needed to know. If Stephen was going to leave Hollyoaks, then, well, I don't know. God, I hope Alex was just messing with me. He had to have been because if it was the truth...

He opened the door and suddenly, I'd run out of words to say. I'd had this whole speach memoriesed about how he couldn't leave Amy and the kids; how he didn't want his kids growing up without their Dad; how his whole life was here. One minute it was there, on the tip of my tounge. The next, gone. The sight of him took it away. He was wearing a pair of trackies and a white polo-shirt. His hair was slightly messy as if he hadn't had the time to sort it properly. He looked...conflicted. Kind of unsure. When he saw me, he froze before shutting the door in my face. Now, that knocked me out of the daze I was in.

"Stephen." I sighed, before trying to open it myself. However, it was now locked. "Open the door."

"Go away." he called.

"I'm not gonna hurt ya." I explained.

"That's not what I'm worried about." He muttered.

"Please, Stephen. I just want to talk to ya. I need to talk to ya." I persisted.

"What's so important that you can't leave without talking to me about it?" He questioned.

"Alex told me something. I wanted to know if it was true."

"Oh, fucking Hell." He sighed, sounding totally drained of energy. I heard him slump to the floor, leaning against the door. So he knew what I was talking about. Damn!

"You can't leave Stephen. You're life is here. Amy, the kids." I rushed through my speech.

I was startled when the door opened, and Stephen was once again standing in front of me. "And you're here."

"Yeah. I don't want you to leave." I whispered.

"I don't want to leave you." He whispered back and my heart leapt. "But that's the problem. I should want to. After everything, I should want to leave."

I stayed silent, I didn't know what to say.

"I don't know what I'm doing yet. Alex shouldn't have told you - that was for me to do. But I will make up my mind, I just need a couple of days." He sighed, "I'll speak to you in two days. Until then, I just need some space, okay? I need to find out what I want, what I really want. And I can't do that with you near me."

"Steph-" I tried to talk to him but he interupted.

"No Brendan. Don't try to get me to stay. This is my decision - not yours. It my choice, it's my life."

But it wasn't just his life. It was my life, too. Because, without Stephen, I didn't know what to do. This was different to the time he'd almost gone to Newcastle with Noah. This was just Stephen, no body else. Just Stephen and a choice that would change my life. How'd I become this vulnerable? My whole future rested on him and I had a terrifying feeling that I knew exactly what choice he was going to make.

Rachey Ayy xx