(Point of View: Katniss)
That night after trying to hunt for the first time, I was so exhausted. Over dinner Sae kept looking at the door as if she was expecting someone. I hoped it wasn't Haymitch. Maybe it was Peeta, but it wasn't likely to be him. The Capitol was overthrown, and President Coin was dead. Peeta couldn't be forced to spend time with me. I'd caused the bombing that killed his family with my actions. His mind was tortured by memories of me – both real and false. If he did choose to spend any time with me then it would be only out of pity. I didn't want that. Peeta needed to find someone who deserved him. Haymitch had said that I could live a thousand lifetimes and still not deserve Peeta. He was right. Still, I wished I was worthy of Peeta's love and his respect. It was a shame I hadn't recognized the potential we had before it was too late. I would only be a burden to Peeta now. I was a burden to everyone now.
I slept better than usual with Buttercup by my side. Like a good soldier, he kept the watch. In return I cleaned his wounds in the morning. It was about the time that I finished dressing buttercup's paw that I heard Peeta's voice. He was talking to Sae. I slowly walked to the kitchen. I was so bad with words. What could I say to him? I worried unnecessarily. As usual, Peeta made things easy for me.
"Hi, Katniss." He said warmly. He had a loaf of bread under his arm and held it out to me. "It's called Banana Nut Bread, and it's great with breakfast. I learned to make it in the Capitol. This is the only loaf I can make for a while though. There are no bananas around here!"
"Thanks." I said. I tried to avoid looking him into his eyes, but I couldn't help myself.
"Come sit down and try it," he said. Putting his hand near my shoulder without touching it, he encouraged me to sit at the table. I obliged.
Just then Peeta jumped and looked down. We heard a loud purring. Buttercup was nuzzling up to Peeta's leg.
"Buttercup! Peeta said. "I wasn't expecting to see you again!" Peeta patted Buttercup's head which only encouraged Buttercup to nuzzle against Peeta more.
When breakfast was over, Sae said she needed to get to the market early and left. With pleading eyes I asked her stay awhile, but she insisted that she had tremendous amounts of work to do. Peeta and I drank tea at the table and watched the fire burn.
"So how are you doing?" he finally said.
"I should be asking you that." I replied.
"I'm doing much better, Katniss. Thank you. How you are doing is just as important though. "
There it was. Pity. He was worried about poor, pathetic Katniss. I had to face it though. I was pretty pathetic.
I looked up at Peeta and tried to seem stern and angry, but my stern expression melted into sadness. I quickly looked down, but it was too late. Peeta was too perceptive not to pick up on my emotions. Soon I was crying. Peeta got up for his seat and sat closer to me. He took my hand and kissed the back of it. Then he kept holding it as he listened to me. I had nothing to lose. I told him the truth.
"I don't feel like I'm alive, but I'm not dead." I said. "I spend my time during the day avoiding reminders of all the bad things that have happened. I spend my sleeping time experiencing all the bad things that have happened. It's no life, Peeta."
He nodded. He was being uncharacteristically quiet.
"Sometimes I feel nothing. Nothing. Other times I hurt, but I never feel good. "
Peeta squeezed my hand.
I knew it was wrong to say the next sentence I said, but I couldn't help myself. "Peeta, kiss me. I just want to feel something."
Peeta sighed. His face seemed deadly serious. Then he looked down at our joined hands. I waited for him to say something or so something. He did neither. An unexpected rage began to bubble up inside me. How dare he come here? Why did he dangle his friendship in front of me? His love? And then refuse to do something for me that we'd already done thousands of times.
"What's wrong with me? Why won't you kiss me? Am I not good enough anymore? Not worthy enough to kiss you, Peeta? I guess I shouldn't be surprised! They can put my on TV and parade me before the whole country to get their precious victory and then discard me; why shouldn't you do the same?"
Peeta was quick with his response. "That's not it. That's not it at all. It's just hard to see you like this, Katniss. I want to kiss you, but you're not yourself. I don't know if it's what you really want."
"I should be the expert on what I want!" I said smugly.
"So, is what you want to starve to death because I hear that's what you were doing up until a few days ago." Peeta replied.
It wasn't really an accusation. It was more like an observation – though Peeta hadn't been here to observe it. Still, I was surprised by Peeta's insight. He wasn't the boy with the puppy love crush on me anymore. He saw me as 3 dimensional now, a person with faults and inconsistencies as well as strengths.
"I just couldn't make myself do anything but sit still, Peeta. I was…stuck. I am less stuck now. I am doing better now. Surely you know that. "
"Are you going to try to kill yourself, Katniss?"
I was stunned by Peeta's question. It was so direct. Nobody had ever asked me anything like that before. Even Dr. Aurelius had not. He only had me answer some "yes" and "no" questions about suicide on a computer screen when I first saw him in District 13. In prison they simply put me on suicide watch. They never asked about suicide.
"I think if I was going to do it, I would have already done it. I guess anything is possible though. We've certainly learned that over the past few years."
"I'm glad you aren't thinking of killing yourself anymore, Katniss. There are many people who admire you and love you. You just don't know it. You can feel better than this. I promise. You don't need to give up. You have so much to live for." Peeta said.
"And you? Do you admire me? Do you love me?" I asked.
Peeta looked like I'd hit him in the stomach. I knew I was being hard on him when all he was trying to do was help me. There was no real reason for this interrogation of him, and but I couldn't stop myself.
"Yes and yes," He said simply as he looked down again. "I love you enough that I want you to get better more than anything. When we were children, I gave you bread when you needed food. It was what I had and what you needed. Now I don't know what you need or if I have it, but I know I want you to get better.
"I need to feel something. I swear, Peeta. That's what I need."
Peeta looked into my eyes. I think he was looking for certainty. He must have found it because he leaned in and brushed his soft lips against mine. I pressed into the kiss. He followed. His hands were suddenly on either side of my head, gently cradling it. Soon our kisses deepened. His hands moved down to my shoulders and then to my back. I did feel something. I felt that intoxicating confusion that I'd felt in the cave. I felt the warmth of affection and the exhilaration of…something…maybe… desire? Was I in love with Peeta? Maybe. Was it fair to him for me to be in love with him? Maybe not. He should have someone better than me. I noticed that Peeta's breathing was rapid. Mine was too. His hands seemed to tremble slightly against my back. We seemed to be getting into this awfully fast. I came up for air.
"Peeta, can we hold each other like we did on the train?" I managed to say.
Peeta caught his breath. "Yes, I think we can do that." He said, "I think I'd like that too."
So we walked over to the living room and snuggled up together on the sofa. Peeta's arms enveloped me. I felt warm and safe. I gently stroked Peeta's hand with my fingertips. My body took some time to come down from all the feelings ignited by kissing Peeta. Indeed, I felt alive. I felt a twinge of guilt too though. Where would we go from here?