(Point of View: Peeta)
Katniss may have felt that bad at 12 years old, but I never knew it if she did. I'd certainly never heard her talk that way. I was reassured that she had no intentions of killing herself but saddened that she thought her life was so miserable. This is why I'd come to District 12 though. I shouldn't have been surprised. Now I knew what I was up against. It only strengthened my resolve.
I really was afraid that kissing Katniss would only make things more confusing, but she seemed to want it so much. I could never say "no" to Katniss even when she wasn't so vulnerable. I had to kiss her. I thought it would be one sweet, short kiss that would be followed up by more talking. Instead it became the most passionate series of kisses we'd ever shared. It got more intense with every second. The kisses, the softness of her skin, her hitched breathing, and the tiny noises I don't even think she knew she was making…it was all too much. Katniss seemed to channel every emotion she had into those kisses. I don't think I've ever gotten that turned on that fast. It was all I could do to keep from putting my hands in places Katniss hadn't clearly given me permission to put them. My mind flew ahead though. I imagined that we were lying on the floor in front of the fire. It was like what I imagined when I was living in the Capitol, but it was better. Then Katniss stopped. Part of me was glad she stopped because I was beginning to wonder if I'd be able to pull away if she didn't. Katniss asked if we could hold each other like we did on the train. So I held her. I tried not to hold her too close because I was still so turned on. I didn't want to embarrass her. I didn't want to make it more difficult for me to control my thoughts and feelings either. I tried to calm my mind and body. I hoped Katniss wouldn't feel rejected by the distance between us. Although I'd held Katniss all night for many nights on the train, we never did it after making out or even kissing. Holding her now was different. It wasn't that I didn't want to do it. I did. I just wanted to be with her so much that I found it difficult to be so physically close and not touch her…I mean, really touch her. I felt my eyes moisten. She was falling asleep.
Isn't this what I wanted? I asked myself. It was, but Katniss was still so sad. Her problems weren't going to go away in a day. Mine were still there, and I'd been working really hard on them for months. I wished this was the beginning. I wished that all the bad things hadn't happened and that I was falling in love with Katniss right then for the first time. On the other hand, everything we'd been through together made me love her more. Even more oddly, the tracker jacker torture made me question everything about Katniss; and somehow that made me love her more too.
My mind and body had slowed down by then. Katniss was asleep. I reached over and touched her shoulder. I could feel all of the bones very easily. I ran my hand down her arm noting how thin it was. Her wrist was covered by her long sleeve shirt. I picked up her arm and circled her wrist with my thumb and index finger. I ran my hand down her back and felt the prominent bones of her spine. I didn't do it for any gratification. I wanted to see how bad things had gotten, that's all. I realized just how fragile her body was. The kinds of things I imagined doing with Katniss as my wife would probably hurt her physically if we did them now. I felt a little guilty for getting so turned on before. What if we'd somehow gotten carried away in the moment? I didn't want to hurt her. My eyes moistened again, and I tried to think of ways to help Katniss learn to be strong again. She had to get physically strong for sure, but I knew she had to get mentally strong too.
Katniss was still sleeping when I woke up. I didn't really want to leave her, but I had told Delly I'd meet her in town by 9 AM. I was both relieved and embarrassed when I saw Greasy Sae and her grand-daughter walking across the yard towards the house.
"I suppose things went well," She quipped. "'I guess now you know for sure that she wanted to see you."
I just stood on the porch for a moment wondering if somewhere in those statements there was a question.
"Umm, yes, I guess I know that now. Thank you, Sae." I replied. I started to walk down the stairs to get away.
"I hope you didn't keep her up all night. The poor girl sleeps so poorly as it is." Sae said.
My mouth nearly dropped open. Was the old woman implying what I thought she was implying?
"No, Ma'am. I didn't keep her up at all." I replied.
"Of course you didn't. Just be careful. Don't hurt her." Sae commanded as she gave the wooden spoon she was holding a little shake in my direction.
Maybe Greasy Sae should tell Katniss not to hurt me too! I thought. I understood why she was so protective of Katniss though. She'd assumed a motherly role here.
"Come back for dinner, Peeta," she added, "She'll eat better with you here."
I nodded and started down the path towards town. Delly was meeting me at the former courthouse site. As she crossed the street I could see that she was really starting to show. Delly was married to a man from 13. She was pregnant. I didn't know how far along she was. I didn't think I should ask, but I didn't want her to think I didn't care either. Darn, I thought, life is complicated. Maybe I was just still embarrassed by what Sae had said to me.
"Ready to go?" Delly said lightly.
It was a simple question, but I knew she really meant 'are you really ready' in this context.
"Yes, I think I am."
We made our way down the main street towards the merchant district. It was easy to see where the bakery had been because parts of the ovens were still there. Everything else was burned to the ground. Not only had this been my place of work, it was my home as well. We lived above the bakery. I walked around the perimeter a few times trying to decide where I should put the vine wreath I had carefully made in memory of my family. I sat down because all those nightmares of my parents and brothers screaming were starting to haunt me.
This was a mistake, I thought, I shouldn't have come here. I knew I didn't have to give in though. I decided to try to focus on the wreath sitting in my lap. The lines across the bark of the woody vines made intricate patterns. Of course, I'd intertwined the vines to make another pattern. I thought about painting vines and vine wreathes. I thought about putting flowers between the vines. I felt the terror that was building a few moments ago start to subside.
"I think I need to leave." I told Delly.
"That's fine Peeta. Do you want to leave the wreath?"
"You just put it somewhere, Delly. I can't tell where the door was." I blurted out. Then I walked down the street.
Delly soon caught up with me.
"OK, I left it there. It looks nice, Peeta. Everyone will know you made it for them. It's very sweet."
"Yes, a funeral where the dead outnumbered the bereaved." I said sarcastically.
"Well, at least you tried." She said. Sometimes Delly's boundless optimism was annoying.
I decided to lighten the mood and talk about something truly optimistic.
"Are you two getting excited about the baby?"
She smiled, "Yes, I was wondering if you were going to mention the baby."
"Well, there comes a time to mention a baby, doesn't there?"
"Yes, there does." She said smiling.
"I hope everything goes well. You will be a great mother."
I thought about how I'd told Katniss that once.
As if she was reading my mind, Delly asked, "Does Katinss want kids?"
"I actually don't know . It's strange. Katniss and I know some important things about one another, but we don't know some others." I confided.
"Well, that's one you probably want to know before you get too far into things again, Peeta."
I stopped and turned to her, shocked.
"Why do you think you have the right to say that? Why does everyone think I'm "getting too far into things" and moving too fast. What kind of person do you think I am? I'm not stupid, Delly. I'm not going to take advantage of Katniss either. Of course I would ask important questions if they needed to be asked. Now is not the time."
"I'm just saying that Katniss is…different. She's always been that way. Sometimes she doesn't want the same things most other girls want. Plus, she's not well, Peeta. I just think maybe you'd be better off if you just moved on with your life and found someone else. Besides, do you think it is a good idea to spend your life with someone you were once brainwashed to assassinate?"
Apparently, Delly's boundless optimism had limits.