(Point of View: Peeta)
I didn't appreciate Delly telling me that my life would be better without Katniss, but I knew that there were probably many other people who shared Delly's sentiments. She was probably the only one with the courage to share them with me though. Delly and I had history. She was the closest thing to family that I had left. Maybe it was part of her job to warn me about potential loss and unhappiness. The truth was that Delly mentioned things that day that I did need to consider in a relationship with Katniss. The trouble was that I wasn't sure where I stood with Katniss. I'd spent the night with her, but it was mostly to comfort her. Greasy Sae seemed to think it was more than that. Delly was warning me. It was a little overwhelming. So what did I do? Argue with a pregnant woman! Proably not the best move.
I did want to have kids. Clearly Katniss didn't need to be having a baby any time soon. She couldn't even take care of herself. On the other hand, just because other people in 12 had children this young didn't mean that Katniss and I had to do so. It was true that Katniss was "different" than other girls. It might have even been one reason I fell in love with her. Being different certainly wasn't bad though. Bow hunting wasn't a typical female activity in 12, but it had served Katniss well! My conversation with Delly did truly help me understand what Katniss meant when she said people had discarded her though. At first I thought she meant that she'd been discarded as a public figure. I wondered why that would bother her because Katniss never wanted to be a public figure anyway. I knew now that Katniss meant more than that. She meant that individual people had discarded her. Apparently Delly was one of them because Delly had once considered Katniss a hero. Clearly, that had changed.
I spent a great deal of time with veterans of this war in the capitol. I was one myself even though I didn't consider myself much of a soldier. They didn't feel like heroes, and people weren't treating them like heroes. People wanted to move on. They didn't have much patience for "damaged" veterans who needed time and healing. Fortunately, there was help available, including the doctors I'd seen and the housing I'd lived in while still in the Capitol. There was some help for veterans looking for jobs too, but I'd been told that if they had problems meeting the expectations of the job then there was little grace given to them. Here in 12 there was only the community, but Katniss had shut herself away from them. If Delly's feelings were common then maybe that was for the best.
(Point of View: Katniss)
I lied to Peeta when I said I didn't think of taking my own life. It was the only lie I told him, but it was still a lie. I lied because I didn't think I could deal with his reaction if I answered the question affirmatively. Besides, technically he had asked if I was going to kill myself. I didn't actually know if I was going to kill myself. So I guess the lie was a half-truth. Either way, Peeta would have watched me like a hawk and worry himself sick if he knew I was even remotely thinking about suicide. So, what choice did I have? I didn't like lying to Peeta though. Deep down I knew it was wrong.
Mornings were tough times for me. After a typical night of nightmares I wondered how I'd ever face the day. There was the dreaded feeling that the nightmares, the sadness, and the guilt were never going to leave me. How could I go on? All this was accompanied by a fuzzy feeling in my head that made it hard to even think straight. I often thought of suicide during these times. I'd developed ways of dealing with the suicidal thoughts though. One way was to actually imagine doing it! I know it sounds crazy, but I was crazy after all. Somehow, the tension was released if I actually imagined killing myself. I just couldn't linger on the thought for too long. I'd imagined doing it in a myriad of ways. Most of them seemed to involve peacefully leaving the word in a poison induced haze. I knew ways to obtain the appropriate poisons. Nightlock was only one of the options. There was always the chance that I'd resort to some more immediately available means of killing myself. I know that at one point Greasy Sae and Hayminth removed all the knives from the house. They left my arrows though, which were just as sharp as the knives. At least they tried.
Peeta arrived mid-morning after Greasy Sae had already made her way to the market.
"Are you hungry?" I asked. "Greasy Sae left some food."
"Yeah, I am kind of hungry." He said.
We sat by the fire and talked for a long time.
Then I said, "Thanks for last night."
"Thanks for what?" He said.
"For...Well, I've just been thinking about that happening for a long time." I said, immediately regretting my statement.
"You mean the two of us kissing?" He asked.
"Yes, kissing you was part of it." I said. Peeta's eyes darted up to mine in surprise. Oh, no! I thought. Stop talking! I told myself. I could feel my cheeks burning.
Peeta looked down at his tea. He was trying really hard not to laugh. Why would he laugh at me? I was serious, and I was embarrassed. Why would he laugh at me?
"You think that's funny?" I said.
Then he did laugh, but he was still trying to suppress it. "No," he said, "no, I don't think it is funny at all. I just didn't know girls thought like that, or I didn't know that you thought like that. I'm flattered really."
"Of course I think like that, Peeta!"
"Well, I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised to learn that I've been thinking of it too," Peeta said. "I've never really stopped thinking about you, Katniss. Even when Snow convinced me you were evil with tracker jacker venom, I still loved you. It made it hurt all the more. I've thought of you since the war too - everyday. When I was at my lowest, I'd think of you – of us.
Peeta looked over at the fire and took a sip of his tea.
"Peeta, I've never told you how sorry I am that you were left behind in the arena."
"That wasn't your fault. I know that. If only one of us could get out then I'm glad it was you." He said.
There it was again. Peeta was forever sacrificing for me. He wanted to make sure I was always safe. It's probably why he'd come back to 12.
"Did you come back here because you wanted to live in 12, Peeta?" I asked.
"Well, it is home." He said.
"You could have stayed in the Capitol though. You could have gone anywhere. Somewhere else might have been easier for you. Why did you come here?" I asked.
"I think you know why." He said as he still stared at the fire.
"Because you were worried?" I asked tentatively.
He turned toward me as he sat his teacup on the table. Reaching down, he took both of my hands in his and said, "Yes, I was truly worried. I'm still worried. Should I be worried?"
I knew what Haymitch meant. There was more and more proof every day. I could never deserve Peeta. Never. He would never give up on me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for his loyalty. I didn't deserve it. I knew I didn't. I leaned over and kissed Peeta's neck right below the ear. His head moved ever so slightly in response to me. I kissed him again. He took in a breath. I continued kissing him around his neck and his ears until I tickled him. He leaned his head on his shoulder to stop the tickling. Then I caught his lips and kissed them too.
Peeta stopped kissing me for a moment to say, "Katniss, are we going to make out every time we see each other? I could get used to this."
I laughed and kissed him harder. Then I asked him, "Peeta, tell me what you thought about in the Capitol. It was about this right…us together…like this? What did you think about?"
Peeta paused.
"Um, I can't really tell you that." He said.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't think we can do most of it." He said quietly.
"Oh." I said. I pulled away a little bit.
"I mean. That came out wrong. There wasn't anything wrong with what I was thinking we could do as long we did it under the right circumstances. It wasn't weird or anything. We just can't do most of it…yet" He said.
"So, you mean the kinds of things married people do?"
He looked kind of pale. I knew the answer was "yes." I also knew that he was afraid of my reaction to him saying "yes."
"Yes," he said quietly.
"Oh, you wouldn't want to marry me." I said.
"Yes, I would." He said quickly. He slowed down and added. "I think I would. We'd just have to work some things out first."
I couldn't believe what he was saying. How could he still love me like that after everything? Let's face it, I was a murderer! I was responsible for thousands of deaths indirectly and quite a few directly. He still thought I was possible marriage material? Maybe he just wanted a moral justification for his fantasies about me. Then again, there was something in his eyes that made me believe that he was sincere. He hadn't given up on me, and he hadn't given up on us. I wasn't sure how to respond. I wanted to let him know that the things I did now were real and different from the confusing things I'd done in the Hunger Games. So I kissed him again lightly. I took his hand in mine. I kissed it too. Then I placed his open hand on my chest as I leaned up to whisper in his ear.
"Don't take off my clothes. Just touch me. Are you alright with that?"
He nodded slowly and closed his eyes.