Breakdown

Chapter 5: Deceit

Carlos rolled over in his bed and sat up. Glancing across the room, he saw James, sound asleep in his own bed. Carlos let out a relieved sigh. He'd been worried sick last night- almost literally. His stomach had been in knots as he awaited James' return. Carlos had stayed awake as long as he could, sitting up in his bed, occassionally getting up to wander around the room. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't go to bed until James was home and Carlos knew he was safe, but the exhaustion that was still lingering from the extra stress and hard work over the past two weeks must have gotten to him, and he had obviously succumbed to sleep.

Carlos felt a bit guilty about having had broken his promise to himself, but James was back, and he looked okay from what Carlos could see. The conscious boy abandoned his bed and padded over to the occupied bed. He could only see James' face and neck, but he didn't look pale and he wasn't wearing a pained expression. That was a good sign. He hadn't gotten hurt last night.

Before Carlos could make any more observations, James' eyes fluttered open and peered up at Carlos.

Carlos smiled down at his friend. "Morning, James. When did you get home? Where did you go yesterday? Where were you all night? Are you okay? Did anything hap-"

A pillow was shoved against Carlos' stomach, and he gasped. "Oof! J-James, what was that for?"

James rolled his eyes. "Logan's going to ask me all those questions in a minute and I really don't feel like repeating myself," he groaned.

"Fine," Carlos huffed. "But you didn't have to hit me to shut me up. Violence is never the answer. Remember?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry."

Carlos shrugged it off and grinned, never one to hold a grudge. "I hope you're feeling good today, because Kendall is mad. In fact, he probably would have came in here and strangled you in your sleep if he'd heard you come back last night."

An uncomfortable churning made its way into James' stomach, and he nodded. "Yeah, I'm not surprised," he whispered. He'd been thinking about it all night. He'd seen Kendall mad before, and it was definitely one of the scariest things James had ever witnessed. But he'd never been the one to make Kendall so furious before. There was just no way to prepare for whatever was to come. James knew he just had to stand up and take it like a man.

"Well, you're going to have to face him sooner or later," Carlos informed the brunette. As if he hadn't figured that out.

James sighed. "I know... I choose later." He rotated onto his stomach and buried his head under the blankets much like he had yesterday morning.

"Maybe if you talk to him when he's half asleep his mind won't be clear enough to be as mad," Carlos suggested. "And anyway, we have to be at the studio by eleven. Gustavo's letting us come in later, but apparently 'days off' still don't exist in his world."

James scoffed in agreement while he considered Carlos' first statement. It was worth a shot, wasn't it? "Yeah, I guess you're right." He reluctantly climbed out of his bed and started slowly toward the door. He swallowed hard when he reached it, turning to spare Carlos one last desperate look. Carlos smiled sympathetically. Huge help, James thought sardonically.

"If you hear screaming, come running ready to defend."

Carlos gave James a thumbs-up. "Will do, buddy."

James opened the door and peeked precariously around the corner. No Kendall. He tip-toed down the hall and warily eyed the kitchen area. No Kendall. His and Logan's door was closed, but that didn't necessarily mean that Kendall was still asleep. James entered the kitchen area with caution. No one. Then he noticed the green numbers on the microwave clock. 08:34 am. Kendall never woke eariler than nine when they didn't have to go in early. That gave James half an hour. What he was going to do with it, he had no clue. It wasn't like he could come up with some grand speech that would prevent Kendall from mangling him.

James rubbed his temples, another headache coming on, and he opened the cupboard with the medicine and reached for some aspirin.

"Headache again?" a voice quipped from behind him. James jumped and spun around. He hadn't even seen Logan before, seated on the orange couch with a fat medical book in his lap. The brainiac stood and raised his eyebrows questioningly.

James averted his eyes from Logan's and snatched a glass from a different cupboard, filling it with water. "Yeah. No big deal though, it's small. Nothing to worry about." He swallowed the capsule down with a swig of water.

Logan nodded as he moved closer to James. "That it?"

"What? Yeah, that's it-"

"Nothing else is bothering you? Say, oh, I don't know, yesterday morning, for example?"

James kept silent, staring down at the remaining water in his glass.

"James, you need to talk this out with us. The longer you keep your feelings bottled up inside, the worse you're going to feel about them. I promise you, once you get it all out, you'll feel so much better. It'll be like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders." He lifted James' chin so he could look right into the pretty boy's eyes. The eyes which, usually sparkling and full of life, were now dull and empty. "Please?"

James couldn't stand to hear his best friend pleading with him like that. James felt so terrible about what he was secretly doing behind his friends' backs. Then his shoulder-devil was back and reasoning in his ear:

Why should you be the one feeling bad? Don't forget about why you're doing this. Remember what they did to you? Of course you do. Use that, and you'll never have to worry about any stupid remorse or guilt again. They deserve this.

James internally nodded. Right. Stay focused. That's all he needed to do. Concentrate on getting Hawke the information he required to earn his trust back, take down Big Time Rush, and then go on with his life working for Hawke as a soloist. As soon as this was over, he wouldn't have to deal with anymore crap that the other three jerks were causing him.

Logan's grip tightening on James' chin was what brought him back to reality. "James? Come on, you know you can tell us anything. We're your best friends, your brothers. And we know this- you, not being yourself- it's all our fault. We're accepting the blame, one hundred percent. So the least you can do is tell us how we can make it better."

James took a moment to study Logan's face. His eyes displayed genuine interest and concern. His tight lips were a sign of anxiety. He truly cared. Too bad James didn't feel the same way.

James swatted Logan's hand away and stepped back. "You want to know how you can make it all better?" His voice dripped with contempt.

Logan nodded.

James leaned in close to Logan and hissed, "You can't."

"Alright, dogs! Since you had the day off yesterday, you should be refreshed and ready to sing perfectly." Gustavo exaggerated his words the way he always did.

"Well, technically, you still made us come here really early yesterday, so we didn't exactly get as much sleep as you think."

"Well techically, Logan, you should BE QUIET and DO AS I SAY!"

"Absolutely," Logan squeaked.

"Now, recording booth. MOVE IT!"

James made some quick mental notes while shuffling into the studio with the other guys. Logan was intimidated by Gustavo. Could that be useful for Hawke? James figured it couldn't. If Logan hadn't broken from all the yelling and threats to fire them by now, he probably wouldn't.

As they were running through This Is Our Someday, James payed closer attention to the voices of the other guys more than his own for the first time. He always knew his friends had good singing voices, even though his was unmistakably the best. Now James really wished they weren't that good.

He listened harder. It was crucial for him to pick apart every last thing about Kendall, Logan, and Carlos. James knew all of their secrets, true, but he needed more. The fact that Carlos still slept with a teddy bear wouldn't exactly aid in the collapse of BTR. What were their weaknesses when it came to vocals?

James managed to notice that Carlos and Kendall struggled with their upper range more so than Logan and himself. That was something. James also knew Logan wasn't the greatest dancer. There was another thing.

Maybe this will be easier than I thought.

"JAMES! What WAS that?"

James snapped back to the real world. He'd been doing a lot of drifting lately.

"What was what?" he questioned innocently enough.

"That was James missing his cue," Kendall interjected snidely. Despite the conversation the band members minus James had had last night, Kendall still wasn't as ready to forgive James as he let on. He wasn't Carlos. He couldn't let things go that easily, and now that he had a chance to irk James, he wasn't missing out on it, especially since the tall brunette had mysteriously disappeared again all morning until it had been time to leave for the studio.

James tensed angrily. Why did Kendall have to be such an asshole? Couldn't he ever just admit that he was wrong and apologize for being a no-good piece of crap friend? It seemed a lot harder for him than anyone else James knew.

"Just...run it again," Gustavo instructed, voice taut with barely controlled anger.

The boys did as told, and James found it extremely difficult to focus on making sure he was hitting the right notes and vocalizing the correct words while still trying to be attentive to the voices of the others.

Okay, so maybe this won't be easier than I thought.

After singing, the boys headed to the dance studio and worked on some news moves for the tour, then practiced them on the stage for five hours. They were sore and grumpy when they were finally done.

James had been right about Logan's dancing. It was taking him a lot longer to learn and perfect the moves than the rest of the guys. That bit of information could be useful. Aside from that and the range thing with Kendall and Carlos, James hadn't really gotten much else. He'd been concentrating on making sure he was doing his best.

James' headache was back full force by the time they got back to the Palm Woods. This was all very stressful, and the fact that he hadn't eaten anything all day, having had skipped breakfast because of his nervous stomach and in order to avoid having to face a fuming Kendall wasn't helping one bit. He felt light-headed and woozy as he stumbled into 2J behind Carlos. Kendall and Logan had gone to get smoothies.

James went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. He twisted the cap off and chugged half of it down in one huge gulp. Despite the fact that he was starving, he still didn't feel like eating. Exhausted couldn't even begin to describe how spent he felt. He just didn't feel...right. At all.

"James?" Carlos' murky voice broke into James' self-examination. "Wanna play some video games with me?" Carlos paused and took a closer look at his friend's sick-looking appearance. Half-lided eyes, mused hair, pale complexion, slumped posture. Something wasn't right.

"James, are you feeling okay? You really don't look too good."

James barely managed to nod his heavy head one time. He opened his mouth to speak, but the room suddenly pitched and whirled around him until it was just a random blur of colour. Then that faded, and James could feel himself falling.

He vaguely heard Carlos shouting his name, though it sounded like he was underwater. Then everything was dark and silent.

Longish chapter. Ugh. It's one in the morning and I have school tomorrow, meaning I'm going to be awake in five and a half hours...lovely.

Anyway, to keep this end note short and simple, hope you enjoyed and please make my staying up late worthwhile by reviewing!