He hates me sometimes but loves me always Chapter 16: Delving into the past, a hollyoaks fanfic

DISCLAIMER: I dont own Hollyoaks.

Hi! It's been a while -sorry 'bout that. I know I repeat myself in this chapter but I wanted to show both POVs. Please review, it means a lot!

Ste

We were in the hotel suite. It was a nice place. Small, but classy. Private. Better than any bed-n-breakfast I've ever stayed at, that's for sure. Brendan was sitting on the bed, looking at me. Just looking. We weren't touching in any way at all - I was leaning against a wall at the other end of the room. Then why were there shivers going up and down my spine?

This felt like an important moment - a make it or break it kind of thing. It reminded me of that day, the day Brendan had told me that he loved me. I just hoped that things didn't the same way - in broken promises and regrets.

I was silent for a long time; questions, statements, apologies, declarations, all running through my head in the same moment.

"Why did you come after me?" I asked, eventually. It was a simple question yet it was important.

"What kind of question's that? You know why." Brendan told me.

"Do I?" I asked because sometimes I wondered. Sometimes, there were these moments of clarity when I thought I could finally see into the mind of Brendan Brady and it was fasinating and terrifying all at once. But, at other times, it was like I'd never known him at all.

"I didn't want to lose you." He replied.

"Why? Why not find someone else? You never chase after anybody, so why go after me?"

"Why is this important?" Brendan asked, eyes narrowed, "You want me, I want you. Simple. Why are you complicating it?"

I needed him to tell me what was going on inside his head and I needed to believe him. "Because it is complicated! Nothing about us has ever been simple! Why me?"

"You want to know why I came for you but no one else? Well fine, I'll tell ye! It's because you aren't like any of the others, you're different. I couldn't lose you, okay? I couldn't lose ye." He yelled, standing up.

I couldn't help but notice he still hadn't said it, hadn't said those three words that he'd only told me once, "Do you love me?"

"I don't know what love is." He told me, defeated. He sat back on the bed.

"You think I do?" I replied, "You think that you're the only one who is confused here? Well, you're not! I've never loved anyone like this before, not even Amy. So, you might not know what love is Brendan, but what do you know?"

I didn't know what to say. He hadn't said 'I love you' but it felt like he'd said so much more, like he'd opened up his heart for me, at least a little. "This is mental." I sighed, head in hands.

He laughed, not a real laugh but a hollow, desperate laugh. He sounded lost, exposed. I knew how much it had cost him to come after me, he'd gone against his number 1 rule: never allow yourself to be vulnereble. But he was vulnerable now, I knew if I rejected him, that he wouldn't recover - that he'd never bring his walls down again. But I couldn't help thinking about the past - about all the times I was vulnerable and open yet he always hurt me anyway. I couldn't go through that again.

"I should hate you. After everything, I should hate you - I should want nothing to do with you. You've hurt me so much. You've lied to me, hit me. I trusted you and"

"Trust?" Brendan interupted, " Like when ye 'trusted' me when I was in prison? You thought I killed those girls. You wanted nothing to do with me. Ye should have trusted me then!"

"I was grieving. My friend had just died. I needed someone to blame." I replied. It was true. I'd been confused and angry. I hadn't thought anything through.

"You should have known me better than that! Cheryl and Lindsey didn't think I was capable of it." Brendan growled. I knew he was getting angry but so was I.

"Well, they didn't know about Danny!" I snapped. Brendan looked shocked for a second before his face became an unreadable mask.

"That's different and you know it. I did that for you." He said calmly.

"I know you did." I took a deep breath and rested my head against the wall, looking at the ceiling, "But it's still messed up. All of this is messed up."

"I didn't even mean to do it," Brendan said quietly. I looked at him, he was staring into space like he was thinking. "He was threatening you. I couldn't let him hurt you. He had no right. I needed to keep you safe. I didn't think about it, I just panicked. I just kept thinking of you and imagining you in hospital or something. I knew that Danny wasn't lying - he meant it. He would've hurt you, killed you. I couldn't let it happen."

I moved to sit next to him on the bed. He blinked and looked at me as if he was coming out of a day-dream. "Do you still think about it?" I asked.

"All the time," he told me honestly, "It's not the type of thing you forget."

"Do you regret it?"

"No." Brendan said, "I hate what I did but if I could go back, I would do it again - if it meant keeping you safe."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" He asked.

"For bringing it up." I explained.

"I really thought I'd lost you then," He said, not looking in my direction, "When you found out about Danny. All the other times you'd left because of... because of what I did to you - it was different. But when I was in the hospital, I really thought you hated me."

"I did hate you, at the time. Well, I thought I did but I didn't really. I've never really hated you because I've always loved you. It's like, no matter how much I hate you, the love I feel just cancel's it out, you know? It cancels everything else out. I hate myself sometimes - for loving you. But, no matter what, I can't make it go away. And God knows I've tried. I try to forget about you but you're always in my head. Whenever you're gone, I'm a mess. I can't think straight." I sighed, thinking of all the time we'd spent apart and knowing that Brendan had always been in my thoughts, all the time. "I can't explain what you do to me but you've changed everything. Bloody everything. I can't even remember what life was like before." I groaned, "I sound pathetic, don't I?"

Brendan shook his head, "I tried to get over you. Loads of times. But I just... couldn't. It was like trying to breath underwater. Eventually, I just gave up."

"Gave up what?" I asked.

"Trying to forget you. Trying to resist you. Eventually I just accepted that I needed you - there was nothing else I could do. I didn't know what to do except keep you close- no matter what."

"But...you didn't accept it. You didn't want to be with me." I frowned.

"No, I didn't accept being gay. I didn't want everyone to know about me. I didn't accept me." Brendan explained. "But you...I knew that I wanted you in my life - always."

"So that's why you came to Manchester to find me." I summarized.

He nodded, "I couldn't get over you. Even if...even if you walk out now and say you want nothing to do with me, even if I never see you again, I don't think I'll ever forget you. It scares me because I don't know what to do without you."

Brendan

We were talking. Not fighting, not fucking but talking. And we weren't angry and the words we were using weren't aimed to hurt and the they weren't filled with lies. We were both being honest and open. I was being honest and open and it scared the shit outta me because I couldn't help but think about him rejecting me. I was taking down all my walls, allowing myself to be vulnerable bacuse I knew that Steohen was worth it. I just wasn't sure if I was. I mean, he'd given me everything and all I'd done is hurt him. He deserved better but I needed him. I knew he could destroy me, in that moment, Stephen Hay had the power to destroy me. This was it because if I lost him... I wouldn't get better. I wouldn't bounce back. I wouldn't be able to drag myself of the floor, not this time. He'd become too important, an essential part of my life. So, this time, I didn't hide.

"All I know is that, whenever I walk into a room, I look for ye even when I know you aren't gonna be there. I know that I hated all the months that I didn't see you and that it was so hard not knowing where you were and if you were okay. I know that I want to touch you whenever you're near me and that I've never wanted someone so much in my life. I know that I trust ye more than anyone else though I have no idea why. I know that you would always come back to me and when you didn't and I thought I'd lost ye, it made me feel terrified. I know that I would do anything for you and it scares me because I have no idea when you started being one of the most important things in my life, but ye are." It was the truth. It sounded needy, pathetic even, but it was the truth. This was how low I'd sunk for Stephen. I told him things I'd barely even admitted to myself. My Da would curse me to the pitts of Hell for ever allowing someone to know how much power they had over me. 'Never show weakness' - that's what he'd say. But, what did it matter now? What did it matter if I wasn't being big-man Brendan Brady for a while. If I lost Stephen now, none of it would matter anyway.

"This is mental." He said. I laughed at that. He was telling me? I knew it was mental. This feeling that I had for him, it was like a fire that I couldn't put out. It was like an obsession; I was a man possessed. Stephen drove me crazy, but being without him was a million times worse.

"I should hate you. After everything, I should hate you - I should want nothing to do with you. You've hurt me so much. You've lied to me, hit me. I trusted you and" he said and my heart started to break again.

"Trust? Like when ye 'trusted' me when I was in prison? You thought I killed those girls. You wanted nothing to do with me. Ye should have trusted me then!" I knew what was coming - the enevitable rejection. Never let anyone close - it was a rule I'd stuck to my whole life. Now I'd gone and broken it and I knew what the consequence would be. But some of my walls came back up and I did the only thing I could think of - I lashed out. I wanted to make him hurt too because I knew how much it was gonna hurt when he told me that he didn't love me anymore. When I found out I'd lost him. I wanted to blame him for this mess, I wanted to hide again, brush it all off. But I couldn't. So I tried to shove it back in his face, like it was his fault. But it wasn't his fault. The pain I was in now - I'd caused it all myself.

"I was grieving. My friend had just died. I needed someone to blame." He told me and I knew it was true. Not that that had helped me when I'd been behind bars.

"You should have known me better than that! Cheryl and Lindsey didn't think I was capable of it." That was also true. Stephen knew me better than anyone. He should have believed in me. Of all the people that had thought I was guilty, having Stephen think it hurt the most.

"Well, they didn't know about Danny!" Ste said and I was speachless for a second. Then, I reigned in my shock and put up my best poker face.

"That's different and you know it. I did that for you." I told him. All the thoughts of Danny that I tried to push away, they came flooding back. That last line I'd crossed, the action that would haunt me forever but that I cound never regret.

"I know you did. But it's still messed up. All of this is messed up." He said. Messed up - that described it perfectly. I remembered all the nights that I'd sat up thinking about it. Danny was still playing with me, even when he was bloody dead. I couldn't sleep after that night, not for a long while. Anytime I'd managed to drift of I'd have nightmares of Danny, lying in a pool of blood on the celler floor; nighmares of the police, arresting me for it, me spending the rest of my life in prison; but the worst one, the one that scared me most, was the dream when I hadn't killed Danny, the dream where I stood beside a coffin, Stephen's beautiful body lying inside. It made me realise how vulnerable he was - all it took was a deal gone wrong, the wrong person finding out about our relationship...the things a guy like Danny could do to Stephen. The only time I was able to sleep properly for months was when Stephen was lying in bed beside me, my arms around him. I knew that I would never let anything happen to him. Never.

"I didn't even mean to do it. He was threatening you. I couldn't let him hurt you. He had no right. I needed to keep you safe. I didn't think about it, I just panicked. I just kept thinking of you and imagining you in hospital or something. I knew that Danny wasn't lying - he meant it. He would've hurt you, killed you. I couldn't let it happen." I told him but my mind was elsewhere. All the thoughts that made me shiver, they were rising to the surface.

Stephen sat down beside me on the bed. I was so grateful to him then because hewas like my lifeboat - he was the one thing that stopped me from drowning in all the things I'd done. His arm just brushed mine, that was it, the barest touch but it was enough to keep me stable. I honestly needed that boy, more than I needed anything.

"Do you still think about it?" He asked. He wasn't looking at me like I disgusted him. That's what I expected but he didn't. He looked at me like he understood what I was going through and maybe he did, even if it was just a little bit. Either way, he tried to understand which was more than most people would do. Stephen always was so patient. Well, not always but he was when it counted. He always waited for me, no matter how much it cost him.

"All the time. It's not the type of thing you forget." I said.

"Do you regret it?"

"No. I hate what I did but if I could go back, I would do it again - if it meant keeping you safe." I replied. I would do anything for him, he should've known that by now. Even if he hated me, I would still do anything for him because that's what you do, what I'll always do, for the people you care about most.

"I'm sorry." Stephen said.

"What for?" I asked becasue I honestly had no clue. What had he done wrong? He didn't hate me...well, he was at least willing to be in the same room as me which was quite suprising considering all he knew about me. Or maybe not that suprising considering the fact that he'd never given up on me before, not completely.

"For bringing it up."

"I really thought I'd lost you then," I said, looking at the floor, "When you found out about Danny. All the other times you'd left because of... because of what I did to you - it was different. But when I was in the hospital, I really thought you hated me." I remembered with clarity how much it had hurt - watching him walk away. I'd thought it had been well and truly over then. Of course, it hadn't been over but I hadn't know that then. I hadn't known the strength of the bond me and Stephen shared, hadn't known that it was capable of surviving something as huge as murder. But it had survived, we'd made it through because that's what we were best at - making it past everything, moving on from everything except each other.

"I did hate you, at the time. Well, I thought I did but I didn't really. I've never really hated you because I've always loved you. It's like, no matter how much I hate you, the love I feel just cancel's it out, you know? It cancels everything else out. I hate myself sometimes - for loving you. But, no matter what, I can't make it go away. And God knows I've tried. I try to forget about you but you're always in my head. Whenever you're gone, I'm a mess. I can't think straight. I can't explain what you do to me but you've changed everything. Bloody everything. I can't even remember what life was like before. I sound pathetic, don't I?"

I shook my head because he'd just described how I felt. Stephen was my everything. I couldn't think of my life without him because he was my life. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and he would be the last thing I thought of at night, right before I dreamt about him as well.

"I tried to get over you. Loads of times. But I just... couldn't. It was like trying to breath underwater. Eventually, I just gave up." I told him, my walls all but vanished completely.

"Gave up what?"

"Trying to forget you. Trying to resist you. Eventually I just accepted that I needed you - there was nothing else I could do. I didn't know what to do except keep you close- no matter what." I told him. I remembered how much I had tried to fight the pull I felt towards him. Then, afterwards, how much I'd tried telling myself that it was purely physical. However, even I couldn't convince myself that everything between us was meaningless.

"But...you didn't accept it. You didn't want to be with me." He said. But it was two diferent things - me accepting him and his place in my life and me accepting myself,

"No, I didn't accept being gay. I didn't want everyone to know about me. I didn't accept you...I knew that I wanted you in my life - always." I explained. To me, Stephen was perfect. It was me that had the problem. Words like queer and unnatural were too ingrained in me, too much a part of my past. But it felt so right when we were together that I couldn't push him away anymore. What we had couldn't not be right.

"So that's why you came to Manchester to find me." Stephen said finally.

"I couldn't get over you. Even if...even if you walk out now and say you want nothing to do with me, even if I never see you again, I don't think I'll ever forget you. It scares me because I don't know what to do without you." I was completely defenceless now. It was all up to him. I just hoped that he was willing to take me back into his life.

"What are we going to do Bren?" He asked, sighing.

"What d'ya mean?" I asked because he couldn't be talking about what I thought he was...could he?

"I live in Manchester now. I have a whole new life here: mates, jobs, flat. You have the club in Hollyoaks. What are we gonna do?" He explained.

"You mean... you want to be with me?" I asked, shocked.

He smiled. I loved it when he smiled. "Yeah. All the time I was here, all I was thinking about was you. I can't not be with you, Brendan. I need you."

I grinned which made his smile widen. "So what are we gonna do?" He asked again.

"It doesn't matter." I told him, reaching out and stroking his cheek, "We'll make it work, okay? As long as I've got you, I'll make it work."

"I missed you Bren." He whispered, leaning forward so our lips were inches apart.

"I missed you too." I replied, closing the distance between us. We went slow at first. Taking our time. After all, we had all the time in the world now. His lips were soft beneath mine and his tounge interwined with mine as the kiss deepened. Stephen moved so he was sitting in my lap, his legs either side of me. His hands were tangled in my hair whilst I held him close, my hands around his back.

I pulled away so I could look at him. God, he was beautiful. Swolen lips, gorgeous skin, his eyes that told me so much about him. He frowned at me, confused as to why I'd stopped the kiss.

"I love you Stephen." I told him. He grinned.

"I love you Bren." he replied before kissing me forcefully, our bodies falling, entangled,onto the bed.

Rachey Ayy xx