(Point of View: Katniss)
I didn't see Peeta for two days. I finally decided to go to his house. If he was sick then I wanted to check on him. If he had lied about being sick then I wanted to find out why, and there was only one way to find out. The fact that the door was ajar worried me. I pressed inside the house calling Peeta's name. He didn't answer, but I found him sitting in the kitchen. There was the smell of something burning in the oven. Why didn't he take it out? I thought. Peeta's had his elbows on the table. The skin around them was ghostly white from being pressed so forcefully into the pine wood. His face was buried in his hands as if he was trying to hide his eyes from something. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. What's wrong with him? I thought. Will he try to hurt me? Careful not to turn my back on Peeta, I removed a tray of burnt cookies from the oven. I looked around the room to plan my escape just in case I needed to run from him. Then I called his name again.
"Peeta." I said. "Peeta." He didn't move. I put my hand on his shoulder and he jumped. "Please don't touch me," He said. He followed that up with, "I'm sorry that I have to say that. It's just that it will be easier if you don't touch me."
He was trying hard. I could see his concentration. I assumed he was having some kind of flashbacks, and I understood what that was like to some degree. I wondered if my mere presence would make coping harder for Peeta. What if the flashbacks had to do with the hijacking? What if they really were about me?
Should I leave? Should I get Haymitch? Someone else? I asked. I thought of Delly. She wasn't an option right now. Poor Delly.
"No." He said. "Just tell me where we are. It makes me know I'm not really there." His voice was soft. He seemed to be exhausted but not necessarily in a physical way. He had to have been fighting this for some time.
"We're at your house in District 12, Peeta. You're safe. There are no more Hunger Games. The war is over. President Snow is dead."
"Tell me again." He said wearily.
I sat down beside Peeta. Instinctually, I brought my hands up to touch him. Then I realized that was exactly what he'd asked me not to do. So I folded my hands on the table. I repeated what I'd already said about where we were 2 or 3 times. Then I added more details: how Haymitch was our neighbor once again, how Greasy Sae cooked for us, how the stores were being rebuilt, and how we are building a medicine factory. I was careful to avoid the topic of Delly and the baby.
Finally, Peeta looked up at me. His eyes were red. They were tinged with a trace of the distant, tortured look I'd seen back in the Capitol. At first he only looked at me.
"Thanks." He said. "That really helped. I'd been trying to remind myself, but it works better when you do it."
"I will do that for you anytime. It is the least I can do." I said. I thought about how being tortured was probably the reason that he needed these reminders, and I felt a pain in my chest. Why did I hurt everyone I loved? All of them suffered because of me.
"Peeta, why don't you go and lie down. You seem exhausted."
"Will you stay with me?" He said. "I think it makes me sound weak to say this, but I don't want to be alone right now."
"Always." I said smiling.
He grinned, "I would have settled for 'yes' – but 'always' is even better."
"And it doesn't make you sound weak. It makes sense." I reassured him. "I don't like to be alone when I have nightmares.
We walked over to the living room and sat on the sofa. Peeta picked up my hand and kissed the back of it. I wrapped my other arm around Peeta's shoulder and encouraged him to lie down across the sofa on his side. He did. His head rested in my lap. Curling is hair around my fingers, I felt warm all over.
This is not the time to start feeling that way, I thought, but it was becoming difficult not to feel turned on every time I saw or touched Peeta.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked Peeta.
"It's too hard to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it." He answered. "It was about prison. Sometimes I re-live the torture in my head. Reliving it is less intense than what I felt when it happened, but I can still feel the sensations."
I could feel my face contort in sadness, then anger. Peeta couldn't see my face, but he must have felt my body become tense. I hated the people who did this to him.
"Is that why I haven't seen you lately – these flashbacks?"
"And the nightmares." He said.
"What are your nightmares like?" I asked him.
He was the one who seemed to grow tenser this time. "They are about losing you." He turned over so that he was facing up. Looking into my eyes, he said, "Katniss, I don't think I could live through losing you. I've lived through a lot of things, but losing you would break me. I know it.
"You aren't going to lose me." I said.
Peeta raised his head and kissed my lips. There were a series of kisses that felt light, peaceful, and passionate all at the same time. A rush of warmth and tingling feelings filled me and spread all through my body - out to my limbs and back to my center. Peeta sat up and deepened the kisses. Suddenly his hands were all over my upper body. I felt myself starting to let out a small sound but I swallowed it back down. He must have heard it tough. He stopped and smiled at me.
"I like it when I know I'm making you feel good." He said.
I lowered myself down so I was lying beside Peeta. There was some space between our bodies though. I kissed Peeta over and over. I ran my hands over his chest, pressing my fingertips into the fabric of his shirt. His breathing grew heavier. I thought of shifting over to close the space between us, but I decided to wait to see if Peeta did it. I leaned toward him though. Then I felt the heat from his body against my bear arms, and I was drawn to push myself up against him. I couldn't stop myself. I put my hands on his arms. It was something like a hug, but it was different. I felt warm in every place that touched him and in some places that didn't. Peeta's breathing grew even heavier as I continued to kiss him. I ran my hands up and down his arms where I could. He pulled away from my kisses to leave a trail of his own down the front of my blouse. I felt my head swim with pleasure. Another small whimper escaped my throat. His hands were on my back by then because I was so close to him. My heart raced, and my body ached to be even closer to him. So close that we'd be inseparable somehow. I pressed a little more. Peeta gasped. I thought I'd just startled him, but then he pushed me away a few inches with his strong arms.
"What's wrong? What did I do wrong?" I choked out.
"Nothing," he said as he tried to catch his breath. "Nothing. I just don't want to get you pregnant."
My breathing was slowing a bit. "Get me pregnant?" I said, truly confused. "Peeta, what we are doing won't get me pregnant."
"I know that. Of course, I know how girls get pregnant. It's just that in my dream it was my fault that you died because I got you pregnant. And Delly – what happened to her is because her husband got her pregnant."
I was growing a little frustrated with Peeta. I felt rejected when he pushed me away.
"No, Delly had a baby, and her baby died. It's not about the fact that her husband got her pregnant." I pointed out. Then I thought about what an odd statement that was for Peeta to make. Of course Delly's husband got her pregnant. That was not exactly unusual. Maybe they hadn't wanted a baby so soon and Peeta knew that.
I continued though, "And your nightmare was just a dream. I'm not going to die like that."
Peeta paused for a moment.
"I just don't want to ever do that to you." He said.
I thought maybe he was talking about not wanting to…make love to me...ever. I lowered my eyes.
"You mean, you don't want me? I asked.
"No." That's not what I meant at all. "I want you so much. Wanting you is all I can think about sometimes. I just mean that I don't want to hurt you or cause anything bad to happen to you…like in my nightmares." He said. "The only thing worse than losing you would be losing you and it being my fault."
I sighed and laid my head against his chest. I was careful not to close the space between us too much this time.
"It's OK, Peeta. I think I understand, but you can't protect me from everything. It's just not possible."