Point of View: Dr. Aurelius
I was hopeful that Peeta could re-establish a life in District 12, but I expected that there would be obstacles. My first phone conversation with him after his arrival confirmed just that.
"Do you think the most loving choice you can make for someone you love can be to leave them?" He asked abruptly.
"Maybe. Can you be a little more specific? Who are you talking about, and why would you leave them?" I asked knowing full well the answer to the first question but not the second.
"If I think I could hurt Katniss, would it be the most loving thing to do to leave her?"
It's hard to be a good psychiatrist if you can't see your patient. Most communication is body language, but even on the phone I could tell it pained Peeta just to ask me that question. He had trouble saying the words "leave her," for example.
"What exactly makes you think you could hurt her?" I asked.
Peeta sighed and there was a pause
"I had a nightmare about killing her." He said.
"And flashbacks, what about flashbacks?" I inquired
"I have flashbacks, but they aren't usually about Katniss. When they are, I know they aren't real. Being around the real Katniss now makes the scary imaginary one seem ridiculous." He explained
"Hmm. That's interesting." I replied. Perhaps Peeta is benefiting from being around Katniss as much as he'd hoped Katniss would benefit from being around him. I thought.
"And you said you had a nightmare about killing her. So I'm assuming that means it was disturbing as opposed to pleasant?"
"Yes! Very disturbing! I mean, Katniss was laying right beside me. What if I'd hurt her?"
They're sleeping together? I thought. Wow. That didn't take long.
"So what did you do when you woke up? I asked.
"I jumped about a foot away from her. I think I was afraid of attacking her."
"So you protected her?" I clarified.
"Yes, I guess so."
"Then what did you do?" I asked.
"I ran out of the hous…" Peeta stopped talking. Then he continued, "Just so you know, we aren't living together or anything. I was just at her house, and it was at night."
"I see. Go on."
"Just so you understand what I mean. It's not like that." He said.
The idea that the boy "doth protest too much" came to my mind. I shook my head and suppressed a chuckle. I wondered what was really going on. You never know with young people. They are so new to love, but they think they know everything about it.
"So I went to my parents' bakery and cried! At least it was away from Katniss though." He said.
"Well, it sounds like you hated having this nightmare and have absolutely no intentions of carrying out anything like what it contained. Is that right?" I surmised.
"Yes, that's right." He said.
"So why does it make you think that Katniss isn't safe?" I asked.
"I don't know. It just seems wrong to have a nightmare like that." He said quietly.
"You don't control your dreams or, in this case, nightmares. Peeta, all you can do is deal with them. You didn't wake up confused and ready to act on the nightmare. That would be more of a concern than what you are describing. Has anything like that ever happened?" I asked.
"Well, no. That hasn't happened since the war ended." He said.
"That's good. You've come a long way."
"But how do I know I won't ever get confused and hurt her?" He asked.
"Nothing is impossible, but I can tell you that hearing what you have told me today doesn't make me fear for the safety of your girlfriend…I mean…Katniss."
Opps. I thought. Proclaiming that Katniss was his girlfriend wasn't what I intended! He hadn't called her that! On the other hand, he was waking up beside her.
"I haven't told her about the nightmare. I feel badly about that. Do you think I should tell her?" He asked
"That's up to you. Honesty can be very good, but you have to use good judgment in deciding when to apply it. What do you hope to gain my telling her about the nightmare?"
"I hope she'll look out for herself, and that it will make her safer. I also think it might scare her." He replied.
"It sounds like you want to tell her, but you are afraid of her reaction."
"Yes, that's exactly how I feel." He clarified.
"Well, I'm sure you'll make a good decision about it Peeta. Just give it some thought. Take care. I am sending you refills of your medicine. By the way, tell Katniss that I have a package coming on the next train for her."
"Really? Are you sending my girlfriend gifts now, Dr. Aurelius?" He said jokingly.
I laughed. "I guess. But it might end up being a gift for both of you. Maybe it should be considered a housewarming gift."
"Haaaa, Haaaa." He answered sarcastically.
Point of View: Peeta
She was so beautiful…so beautiful. I thought.
I could watch her forever. Standing at the vanity mirror, she gathered a section of her dark wavy brown hair and brushed it carefully. It fell down her back as she finished, contrasting with her light blue woven blouse. Then she gathered another section of hair. Oh, she still had no idea what she did to me.
I walked up behind her and reached for the hairbrush. She smiled and obliged.
"You know, you are lucky that I'm a baker. I can do all kinds of things with my hands." I said and then winced. "That didn't come out right."
She smiled and shook her head in an attempt at mock scolding.
"I can even braid hair." I added as I brushed.
"Really?" She said, sounding skeptical.
"Sure, you have to braid dough sometimes as a baker." I explained.
I started braiding her hair loosely, being careful not to pull it. When I'd finished, I tied the braid the way Katniss always did. Then I put my arms around her waist and kissed the back of her neck. She felt so amazing. I could hold her forever. I looked in the mirror at our faces. They were certainly different than before the games and the war: older, harder, and slightly burned in my case. We still were ourselves though. Inside, there was still a little of the school boy and the school girl.
"Let me look at you. Let me really look at you." I said.
She seemed to grow smaller in my arms as if her body contracted at the thought of it.
"You don't want to. We are going to have to be 'lights out' kind of people." She said quietly.
"No, I don't think so." I said. "You are beautiful. It's just that I want to see…what you allow me to touch."
She turned to face me.
"I can't do that. I feel…damaged. I can't."
I tried not to look too disappointed, but I think she could see that I was.
"Is it the scars because I have scars too?" I said.
Looking down, she sighed. "It's different. Mine are uglier."
"You probably just think that because they are yours." I said.
She shook her head slowly. "No, it's true. There's no comparison. Mine are much worse."
I reached over and touched her cheek. I put a stray hair behind her ear with my fingers.
"Trust me." I said.
Her brow furrowed, and she pressed her lips together tightly as if she was wishing what I was saying about her self-consciousness being unnecessary was true. Then Katniss turned around and slowly lifted the back of her blouse to reveal a few inches of her scarred skin. I was heart-sick for her because she was right about the scarring being more severe than my own. She must have been burned more badly than I'd known. I knew how much I'd hurt during my recovery from my own burns. I suspected that Katniss had been through much more.
I didn't want to touch her scarred skin, not knowing how that would feel to her. I wondered if I'd hurt her already.
"Katniss, I'm sorry that happened to you. You are beautiful though. It doesn't change that."
"There's more than that Peeta."
I looked into her steel colored eyes as I pressed my lips together. "Even so, you are still beautiful. I want you to tell me though. Are there places that hurt when I touch you?"
"Yes. There are places that feel really good too. You know that. There are also places that are numb." She said.
I could relate to that.
"Show me where. That way I can avoid the ones that hurt" I told her.
I thought Katniss would just point out where on her blouse to touch and where not to touch, but instead she carefully unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. I didn't notice her scars much after that.