A/N So I am pretty ashamed to admit that I've been spelling 'Hawke' with an 'e' this entire time, and while watching "Big Time Superheroes" (which was absolutely AMAZING) I realized that, go figure, there is no e. So I won't make that mistake again.

On a less embarrassing note, I'd like to once again thank my reviewers for motivating me to update as quickly as I can, and to keep me going. Smiles for all of you!

And also for all of you:

Breakdown

Chapter 9: Judgments

Carlos was a little confounded. James was having mood swings? That was it? That wasn't so bad. He got them all the time. Carlos knew lots of people who did, so why did James have to take pills for them when nobody else did?

Carlos peeked at James. They doctor had said he had an illness, but James didn't look very sick to Carlos, not like he had last night. His eyes were red and puffy from crying but other than that, he seemed normal. Carlos tried to determine when James would have another mood swing. It was hard to tell. Despite the fact the James had been crying earlier, he looked void of emotion now. His face was blank, empty eyes staring at the ceiling, but seeing nothing. Carlos couldn't even begin to guess at what was going through his mind right now.

Logan could, somewhat. He knew that James didn't want to believe he had a serious mental disorder. He knew James was going to deny it, even though it had already been made clear that he had manic depression.

And then there was Kendall. He knew about this kind of thing. He knew that James would do everything he could to get out of taking his meds. It would make the reality of the situation so much cleared to James. Kendall had been the same way. He felt that if he didn't need to take his medication, then nothing was wrong with him. But as he'd discovered the hard way, skipping your meds was...deadly.

Kendall also knew that the last thing James would want was for this to go public. If the media found out, James would completely lose it, and what he would do if that happened was impossible to know. James wouldn't want their friends like Jo and Camille to know. He probably wouldn't even want Kelly and Gustavo to know. Kendall remembered being afraid that he was going to be treated so differently because of his condition, and he was going to everything he possibly could to make sure James didn't feel the same way.

Mrs. Knight wondered how long this had been going on. She'd known James for ten years, and she's almost never seen him in a bad mood. He was always smiling and happy, and coming to out to LA had been his dream come true. Well, that dream turned out to be a nightmare. As the doctor had explained, coming out to LA was the reason for James' seemingly sudden onset of bipolar symptoms.

One hour ago

"When a person has bipolar disorder, they alternate between episdodes of mania and depression, or in simpler terms, highs and lows," Doctor Roberts explained. "The episodes can last anywhere from an hour to several weeks, and not all episodes are the same duration. It can be and usually is very random. During the episodes, mood strength is also unpredicatable. For example, during the depressive episode, the sufferer could simply seem like they are having an off day, whereas other times thoughts of suicide may occur. That's why it's very important to take mood stablilizing drugs, to surpress swings between episodes.

The sufferer doesn't necessarily have to be displaying symptoms at all times. Very often they go days without having an episode, but the tiniest thing or even nothing can trigger a depressive or elated reaction. In James' case, I believe the event of Big Time Rush breaking apart is what triggered his symptoms."

The other three members of the band nodded, still far too stupefied to react in any other manner.

Doctor Roberts went on to explain how the medication would help control James' emotional stability. Mrs. Knight listened intently, keen on remembering every last detail, but the boys were too lost in their own thoughts to hear the rest of what she had to say.

Carlos didn't quite understand what the doctor was saying. All he knew was that sometimes James was sad, and other times he was happy. But wasn't everyone like that? Carlos knew he got sad sometimes. Okay, so, it was extremely rare, but still, he wasn't happy all the time. Nobody was. So why was it so different for James?

Logan berated himself for not noticing this earlier. True, he wanted to be a medical doctor, not a psychiatrist, but he still felt that he should have seen the signs. He'd read about mental disorders, so why-how-had he not realized that his friend had a serious one?

Kendall was convinced that this was entirely his fault. Like Logan, he felt he should have noticed. James had changed since the concert. Kendall had noticed that, but even then, he couldn't put the pieces together, despite the fact that he out of everyone should have been able to recognize that something wasn't right. He'd gone through nearly the same thing! That made Kendall feel like the lousiest friend ever, but the worst part was that if he hadn't been so busy being mad at James, then maybe he would have paid more attention to his friend's well-being, and then he would have noticed.

Truthfully, Kendall was to be glad that they had caught this before James had done anything...drastic...but he knew it would be a while before he could forgive himself for doing this to James. To his brother. He knew it would take just as long for James to forgive him, too, and Kendall was ready and willing to wait for that day to come. As long as it took.

Present time

I'm crazy. Everybody thinks it. I can't even control my god damn emotions, how am I not crazy? I have to take freaking medication for a few little mood swings. Why me? Why did I have to break down? Why is my life falling apart? Why did I make that deal with Hawk? Why, why, why?

James started to rake his fingers down the sides of his head again when the pain stopped him. He'd forgotten about the scratches he'd made there. The hospital had bandaged them, but he'd ripped the ugly white pieces of gauze off as soon as he'd walked through the door to 2J. Then he'd slunk off into his room to reflect on this newfound self-discovery.

Normally James loved unconvering new things about his persona, like when he'd first found out he could sing, at age 5, he'd been so elated that he sung every sentence for the following month.

The instant he'd realized he had better hair than anyone else in his class in fourth grade, James went out and bought his lucky comb and showed it off and bragged about it to anyone who cared enough to pretend to listen, namely, Kendall, Logan, and Carlos.

But this...this was not something James was glad to find out about himself. This wasn't exciting news to go aroung blabbing to everybody. This wasn't some reward. It was a disaster. James couldn't even imagine how much his life was going to change. He was certain that the five people, excluding the doctors, who knew were going to treat him so differently, act like he could snap at any given second if they so much as helpfully pointed out to him that he had one hair out of place.

James didn't want his friends, second mother, and almost sister to be afraid of hurting him. He didn't want them to be all sympathetic smiles and whispered words of encouragement all the time, like he was sure they were going to be. Regardless of his condition and of what they thought, he wasn't going to shatter at one misspoken word. Didn't they know he was stronger than that?

James's thoughts wandered to Kendall. Kendall. He was depressed. He was medicated, too. Would his knowledge on the subject alter his reaction, the way he treated James?

A glimmer of hope flickered in James' heart. Maybe since Kendall knew what it was like, he wouldn't act like the others. Maybe he would handle James' whole situation in a completely different way and not change a thing in the way he and James interacted, and maybe, just maybe, he could convince the others to do the same.

James' musings abruptly turned around, much like his mood had been doing for the past while, and he began to recall his second trip to Hawk Records.

Hawk hadn't been there, and initially James had been seriously frustrated. He needed to get this information to Hawk ASAP, before BTR could make much more progress, and before James lost his nerve.

While walking slowly back from the rival studio, James must've had another mood swing, because suddenly he was relieved that Hawk hadn't been there. James was conflicted with the lingering decision. One second, he'd been so confident in the furture outcome of bringing BTR down and going back to Hawk, and the next, the thought of it nearly made him sick. How could he do that to them? He was part of Big Time Rush too, and chances were, Hawk would let James take the fall with the other band members as revenge for James taking a rain check on Hawk's three record deal with him.

By that time, James' angel and devil buddies were perched on his shoulders screaming in his ears. James listened to what they had to say for a while until he got annoyed and reminded himself that these were his thoughts and that they were all his to control, so he'd shut off his feelings and arrived at the Palm Woods emotionally numb.

Now James lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling and not thinking about anything as he tried to ignore the stares he was receiving from Carlos, who sat across the room on his own bed. Carlos remain eerily silent. It was actually quite disturbing, not hearing a peep from the boy, but James just embraced the silence and continued on with being numb and thoughtless.

A sharp knock on the bedroom door jarred him from his empty void, and he sat up and watched with non-existent interest as Carlos got up to open the door.

"Can I talk to James for a minute?" Kendall's voice asked, and a second later he was in the room and Carlos wasn't. He shut the door behind him and dropped down onto the side of the bed James wasn't occupying. James closed his eyes and wished Kendall away. He opened his eyes and was disappointed.

Kendall sighed and raked an apprehensive hand through his messy blonde locks. He didn't fail to notice the way James avoided looking at him.

Kendall took a minute to think about how he was going to go about this. He glanced at James and took in how lifeless he looked, and he decided just to come right out with it. James deserved the truth.

"I know how you feel. I know what you're going through. Well...not exactly down to a tee, but, trust me, I've gone through something similar. Still am. I have medication, like you, because I tried to hurt myself...because I have depression."

"I know," was what James almost said back, but he stopped himself just in time. He'd nearly forgotten that he'd found out by eavsdropping. He had to act surprised. Not a big deal for him, he'd been doing a lot of acting lately.

Slowly he turned to Kendall and stared directly into his eyes. The brunette said nothing, so Kendall continued.

"So now you know that I have shit going on in my head, too. And even if I didn't, I'd still always be there for you. This just makes us able to become even closer. So I want you to know that you can tell me anything. And...know that sorry isn't enough for me. I can't even try to explain to you how much I hate myself right now for what I did to you, and for not realizing. I feel like such a total ass. You're my best friend, and I didn't even notice how much you were hurting. And that hurt was because of me!"

James actually absorbed Kendall's words, felt the emotion Kendall was displaying, and James knew that Kendall was hurting just as much as James had been earlier that week. It was like he and Kendall had suddenly switched point of views, because now James was feeling like a giant turd. How could he have ever even considered screwing his friends over? Hawk was the enemy, not them. Not Kendall, Logan, Carlos.

James sat up and leaned back against the headboard. He felt a little flustered. Here Kendall was, spilling his deepest secret to James-not knowing he already knew- and being completely open and honest with James. The least James could do was assure him that this wasn't his fault.

"Kendall, shut up."

Kendall opened his mouth in surprise, then narrowed his eyes, ready to protest, but James forged on.

"This is not your fault. And don't say that it's partially yours, partially Logan's, and partially Carlos'. Because it's not, any of you. None of you knew this would happen-"

"Did you not hear Doctor Roberts? The band breaking up is what triggered it! How is that not our fault?"

"It't not your fault because I let myself think you guys didn't care about me and my dreams, when in reality, you care more about me than I do about you. You guys did try to get me and the band back, but I was my selfish self and refused to go back with you. Then when you went on to replace me-try to replace me-I jumped to the conclusion that you guys had gotten over the fact that I wasn't coming back that fast, and it bothered me. I felt like you never really cared about helping me live out my dream, you just wanted to be famous, whether that meant sticking together or not. But that was me who did all that stuff. I left you guys behind, I went off on my own, and I almost lost my friendship with you guys. So don't you dare say that this is your fault when I just made it so perfectly clear that it is anything but."

Kendall was shocked into speechlessness. He hated to admit it, but everything James had just said was true. Of course, though, Kendall knew it was still partially his fault, whether James thought so or not. He knew James didn't want to hear that though. On the other hand, Kendall was certainly not about to tell James that yes, it was all James' fault, and that every last thing that went down could be blamed on him. James was in a bad enough place as it was.

Instead, Kendall, with tears that he wasn't ashamed of shining in his eyes, placed a gentle hand on James' arm, and whispered, "I love you."

James smiled softly. He couldn't imagine hearing any better words at that moment. "I love you too."

Then he pulled his friend into a tight hug that he wanted to last forever. He settled for thirty seconds before he pulled away and laughed, earning a confused look from Kendall.

James explained, "This is so chick-flick."

A look of understanding crossed Kendall's features, and he joined in on the laughter. "Yeah, let's not do this again for a while."

James nodded. The mood in the room suddenly grew serious again, as Kendall had one more thing to say.

"This won't change anything between us."

James nodded again. "Nope. We're still bandmates."

Kendall raised an eyebrow, making James grin.

"And best friends."

The next string of words the two boys spoke together.

"No matter what."

Hey guys! Sorry you didn't get a double update like usual. I was super busy all yesterday planning and attending a party, and today was homework day...woo.

But hope you enjoyed anyway, and I'll do my best to get chapter 10 out to you beloved readers tomorrow, if not, Tuesday by the latest.

So what a sappy ending, huh? In my personal life, I'm really not into the whole huggy goopy affection crap, but writing this, I couldn't help it!

Oh, and, if you were wondering, those "I love you"s were not meant in a romantic way. It was pure brotherly affection.

Reviews make the world go 'round. *Ahem.* (Hint, hint)