A/N Nice job to RainTastesGood for guessing bipolar disorder! And an apology for stealing your idea. Great minds think alike!

Breakdown

Chapter 10: Medication

"You only take one a day, in the morning. No more than that, unless we consult a doctor. It can take up to a week for them to take full effect." Mrs. Knight paraphrased the instructions on the bottle of Lamotrigine even though she remembered Doctor Roberts saying the same things.

James stared at the pill bottle in Mrs. Knight's hand. All his feelings of comfort and relief that Kendall had caused him to feel earlier evaporated, and now James stood there feeling humiliated. He knew it was wrong for him to feel so embarrassed about having to be medicated to control his emotions when everyone else could do it naturally, but he couldn't help it. It didn't matter that he knew it wasn't his fault and that there was nothing he could do about it. He still felt like he lacked the control that most people had.

Trying not to think about it too much, James took one of the small tablets from the bottle and swallowed it down with a swig of water, trying to convince himself that it was just like the aspirin he'd taken two days ago, but it didn't help. The water sloshed around uncomfortably in his stomach as he realized that he had just taken his first mood stabilizing pill.

The harsh reality of it hit James like a brick. He'd known about his condition for two hours now, but it didn't quite sink in until now. He was manically depressed.

I'm bipolar. I'm crazy. I'm losing my mind, and now I have to rely on these pills so I don't go around trying to kill myself one day, and acting like I just won a million dollars the next. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

"James?"

James blinked and pushed the saddening thoughts from his mind. He looked up at Mrs. Knight. She was smiling weakly, holding something out in front of him. His phone. He swallowed hard, knowing what it meant.

"I think you should give your mother a call. Unless you want me to do it?"

James shook his head hastily. He and his mother were going to talk about this eventually, so he might as well be the one to tell her. He knew she'd ask for him the instant Mrs. Knight told her, anyway.

James took his phone into the living room. He dialed his mother's number with shaking hands and held the phone up to his ear.

"Hello, Brooke Diamond, Brooke Diamond Cosmetics."

The instant he heard his mother's voice, James froze. His mind was blank. How was he supposed to do this?

"Hello?"

"M-mom..."

"James? Is that you? Oh, my boy, is everything alright?"

James fought back panic and forced himself to speak. "Everthing's fine! Why would you ask that?"

"Well, you don't sound fine. And we've hardly spoken since you went out to LA. I figured you called me because something's wrong."

"Well..."

"Do you want to come home and be CEO of my company?" Brooke's voice took on a tone of excitement.

"No...I don't, but Mom..."

"Yes, sweetie, what is it?"

The words caught in James' throat. He turned to see Mrs. Knight standing in the kitchen, watching him closely. From where she stood she could see his face pale.

"S-something is wrong, Mom."

This time Brooke's voice was laced with concern and fear. "What? What is it? James, tell me!"

James felt tears prickling at his eyes, and he quickly blinked them back. He refused to cry.

James opened his mouth to answer, but the words wouldn't come out. He knew all he had to say was 'I'm bipolar', but it was too hard. He hadn't said it yet, and he really didn't want to. As if the medication wasn't bad enough, he knew having to say the words, and to his mom of all people, would make the actuality of it all that much clearer.

I might as well just tell her I've gone crazy. It's still the truth.

James' stomach lurched. He couldn't do this. Whirling around, James fumbled the phone into Mrs. Knight's hands and staggered into the bathroom.

He slammed the door to drown out the sound of Mrs. Knight telling his mother that he was insane. Maybe mentally unstable was a better way to put it, but James didn't care. It all meant the same thing, when you got right down to it.

James sat in front of the toilet and waited for the nausea to pass. He closed his eyes and took deep, calming breaths. Finally his stomach stopped its acrobatics and James leaned back against the wall, feeling totally spent.

Just then there was a gentle knock at the door. James swore, if all this gentleness continued because people were so terrified that he was going to break, then he'd really show them a mood swing.

James chuckled humourlessly to himself. Here he was, diagnosed for less than three hours, and already he was making fun of himself. Ridiculous.

Another knock sounded, and James sighed. He really just wanted to be alone right then, but the rational part of his mind told him it was probably better not to be. It left his mind wide open to thoughts of all kinds, mostly bad.

"Come in."

The door swung open to reveal worried looking Kendall, Carlos, and Logans. Logan's eyes immediately widened at the sight of a pale James sitting beside the toilet.

"Are you okay?" the doctoral boy asked frantically.

James glanced at the empty toilet, then back to Logan. "Yeah. I'm fine." Right. That's what you just told your mom ten seconds ago before you almost started puking your guts out.

Logan looked at him with a mixture of skepticism and apprehension written across his features. James' reaction to anything they said was completely up in the air, but he was genuinely concerned about his ill-looking friend.

"Were you getting sick?" he asked carefully, tensing as he prepared to be yelled at. Kendall and Carlos made similar gestures.

But James stayed calm, much to their relief. "No. I thought I was going to, but-" He lowered his eyes. "She's telling my mom."

His friends nodded empathetically.

"What is she going to think? She never takes bad news well." The other boys kept quiet as James rambled on, growing more and more nervous.

"Who else are we going to tell? No one, right? I don't want anybody else to know."

"Well, Kelly and Gustavo-"

"No! Not even them. Nobody! They'll think I'm insane. I am insane! Guys, why? Why? Can you tell me why? I don't-I don't know what this even is. I mean, is this really happening? Am I losing my mind or something? Because, you see, I hear these voices sometimes, and they, they fight and it's driving me crazy, and that word describes me perfectly, and-don't tell anybody!"

James was turning even paler as he gasped for air, and Carlos unconsciously moved closer to Kendall, while Logan knelt down next to James. "James, please, calm down. Okay? You're going to hyperventilate. Just relax, we aren't going to tell anyone."

Slowly James' breathing became steady, and his eyes lost their cr- slightly deranged look.

"That it buddy, just breathe. You're okay." Logan rubbed conforting circles on James' heaving shoulder while the panicky boy got his breath back.

"Better?" Logan asked. Kendall handed him a cup of water, which Logan in turn passed over to James.

James nodded and sipped at the water. He drank half the cup before setting it down by his knees. He kept his eyes on the Carlos' socked feet and shuddered.

"I'm sorry guys." He spoke hoarsely. "I can't- I mean, I... I don't know anymore."

"Shh, James, don't worry about it. It's alright. We're here, we're not going anywhere."

Logan's soothing tone made James feel sleepy. It it weren't for the cold hardness of the bathroom floor, he might have fallen asleep. That and the lingering thought of how his mother was taking the news at this very second. Oh god, his mother. The news.

Logan jerked back when James unexpectedly pitched forward and leaned over the toilet bowl. This time, he did get sick.

"How you feeling, sweetie?"

James didn't answer. Instead he asked a question of his own, the one that had been burning away in his mind for the past half hour.

"My mom...?"

Well, it was a full sentence in his mind.

Mrs. Knight sighed and lowered herself onto the edge of James' bed.

"She's...adjusting."

James groaned and rolled his eyes. That was what adults always said when they didn't want to admit that someone was freaking out.

"Mrs. Knight, please just tell me. Does she hate me?"

Mrs. Knight's eyes widened and her heart nearly broke at the question. She scooted closer to James and smoothed down his hair at the front. Her hand brushed over his forehead, and she frowned at the heat. She was going to ask James again how he was feeling, and go get him some Tylonel, but his eyes were staring at hers, silently pleading, and she knew he deserved the truth.

"James, your mother could never hate you. She's just a little upset. Not at you though, of course, no, she's upset because you're her baby and she doesn't like to see you sad or sick or hurt. She said she'd call later to talk to you, once you felt better. Does that sound good to you?"

James nodded. Of course his mother didn't hate him. How could he possibly think that?

"Good. And remember, no matter what, you're surrounded by people who love and care about you. Nothing you could do could ever make us turn against you."

James nodded, but he was thinking the opposite. Thinking I'd never come back and moving on was turning against me.

STOP thinking about it. You're only making yourself worse.

James sighed and let his eyes roam around his room while Mrs. Knight tried to inconspicuously feel his forehead again.

James smirked, knowing what she was doing. Suddenly she stood up. "I'll be right back," she announced. "I'm going to get you something for your fever."

James nodded once more as she left the room.

The instant Mrs. Knight entered the kitchen, she was bombarded with questions.

"Is he alright?"

"Did you tell him about his mom?"

"Is he sick?"

"Can we go see him?"

Mrs. Knight couldn't help but smile at the concern the boys were showing for their friend. Even Katie seemed worried. She was actually the one who's asked if they could see him. Mrs. Knight was surprised, but impressed.

She gave the boys reassuring looks. "James is fine," she told them. "He just has a slight fever. I think that and him throwing up were caused by all the stress he's experiencing. Poor thing. And his mother took it better than I expected," she added. "Of course, she's worried sick. She's going to call later. I think once she talks to James and sees that it's not as bad as she thinks, she'll have an easier time accepting it."

Four heads nodded.

She found the Tylonel and read the warning on James' Lamotrigine. He could take other medications with them, as long as he only took half the daily dosage. So for the Tylonel, the maximum daily dosage was four, which meant James could only have two.

Satisified, Mrs. Knight started back to James' room when she was stopped by Katie.

"Mom, is this going to change a lot? I mean, is James still going to be able to perform and stuff?"

Mrs. Knight gave her daughter a dubious look, and the ten year old blushed.

"I'm not asking in regards to money! I just...want to be sure that he's going to be the same."

The girl's mother smiled and kissed her daughter atop her head. "He might not be the exact same, Katie. But we are going to show him that that doesn't matter to us. We are going to be there for him through all the hard times, and the good ones."

Katie just nodded. She understood.

Then Mrs. Knight turned to the boys. "Thank you, boys, for being so strong and supportive already. I know this is only the beginning, but I know you boys will stick it out."

Kendall went over to his mother and hugged her tightly. "Forever."

Katie joined the hug. She felt her brother's warm arms wrap around her, and suddenly she felt safe. She felt like none of this was happening to one of her almost brothers.

Then Mrs. Knight kissed her again, slipped from Kendall's grasp, and headed to James and Carlos' room. The illusion shattered, and Katie was left clinging to her brother as her mature mind pondered over the possibilities of what might happen if everyone was wrong when they said James was going to be okay.

So I did a bit of reasearch on the medication. Lamotrigine is real and it's for bipolar disorder, and everything except the thing about taking it with other medication is true. I made the thing up about other medication because I couldn't find anything about that online. Sorry to anyone who knows about this stuff and I'm wrong.

Wow. I'm also sorry that it's kinda short. And that it totally blows. Well, not completely. I like the first half. The second half I wrote with a horrible stomachache, and it just went down. I mean, I can't believe I made Katie such a pessimest. But you know someone had to be doubtful. So sorry. I hope to redeem myself next chapter!