Breakdown

Chapter 11: Stress

James had slept peacefully for the rest of the day and all through the night, so why did he feel so tired? Was it a side effect of the medication? Maybe since his body wasn't used to it... James didn't know where he was going with that thought.

"You're just super stressed," Logan confirmed. "That's also why you were sick yesterday. Don't worry about it though, it's totally understandable. I don't blame you for being tired."

Logan's words were a fairly large comfort to James. His friends weren't angry or frustrated with him, and that made him feel more confident.

Despite being so tired he was about to fall asleep standing up, today was a good mood day for James. So far. He'd only been awake for two hours. He remembered what the doctor and Mrs. Knight had said about the pills taking around a week to reach their full effect.

He smiled weakly at the reassuring words of his friend. "Thanks, Logan."

"Are you sure you want to go? Maybe you shouldn't. No offense, but I don't think you'll be able to do much. Since you're so tired, I mean."

James shrugged. "Maybe it'll wake me up. And besides, I've missed enough practice as it is. Gustavo will kill me if I don't go today."

"Do you really care what Gustavo thinks?"

"If it involves him thinking about kicking me out of the band, then yes."

To Logan's doubtful look, James quickly added, "I'll be fine."

I've heard that before.

Logan internally shook his head. Then he sighed. "Alright. You can come. But if you start to feel weird in any way, you tell us and you're coming right back home. Got it?"

"Yes, Doctor Logan. I get it."

"Good." Logan allowed himself to smile. James seemed okay this morning. Logan was relieved to see his friend happy and healthy. It was such an improvement from the past week.

"Then can we go?" James asked impatiently.

Logan laughed. "Yeah. Kendall, Carlos! Lets go, we're gonna be late!"

The two mentioned boys came tumbling down the swirly slide and raced to the door. Then the four walked down the hall, piled into the elevator, crossed the lobby, exited the Palm Woods, and were greeted with a freshly waxed limosine to take them to Rocque Records.

"DOGS, YOU'RE...on time...?" Gustavo's eyes gave away his surprise, but he hastily blinked it away and shoved the unusually punctual boys into the recording booth.

"Alright, your setlist for the tour is Famous, Any Kind of Guy, The City is Ours, and This Is Our Someday," Kelly informed them. "So we'll start with Famous."

The boys nodded and adjusted their headphones over their ears.

The music began playing, and Kendall opened his mouth and sang.

"Do you want to ride in a big limosine?"

James sang next, his angelic voice filling the booth and putting smiles on everyone's faces. It had been too long since they'd heard him sing.

"Tell me, do you want to take a little bite of the fame machine?"

Carlos sang his lines in a significantly lower tone than the other two.

"If you wanna be discovered, and end up on the cover of every star studded supermarket magazine."

They ran through Famous, Any Kind of Guy, and The City Is Ours sounding better than they ever had. Gustavo would never admit it, of course, but he was rather impressed.

Then they started This Is Our Someday.

"When everyday feels like the other.
And everywhere looks just the same.
When every dream seems like forever.
And you're a face without a name."

"..."

James's mind froze, and so did he. What were the words? Why did they have to sing this song? Why did it have to remind him? Why couldn't he get over the fact that the band was back together and practicing for a tour?

Why, why, why?

That seemed to be the only question lingering in James' mind lately.

"JAMES!"

James snapped back to attention, but it was too late. Gustavo was already seething.

"WHY AREN'T YOU SINGING?"

James felt the eyes of the other guys on him, but he refused to return the glance. Instead he just blushed and mumbled an apology.

Gustavo rubbed his temples with his pudgy fingers. "DO IT AGAIN!"

James continued to ignore his friends and tried to pay attention. The song started over, and Kendall sang his lines.

But James was instantly lost again, his mind going back in time to the last time they sang this song.

"JAMES!"

James knew he had missed his cue. And he really didn't want to deal with a furious producer and worried, sympathetic friends at that moment, so James tore off his headphones, flung the door open, and bolted from the recording room. He flew by old, best-selling records and posters of long-forgotten boy bands. All the while, agonizing phrases ran through his head.

"The album, tour, and concert are cancelled."

"Big Time Rush is dead."

"Gustavo isn't coming back."

"Look around, James. There's nobody pulling up in a shiny car, offering to make our dreams come true."

"If they were really your friends, would they be searching all over town for your replacement?"

Why?

When James returned to his senses, he realized he was standing just outside Rocque Records, breathing heavily.

Before he had a chance to get his breath back, Big Time Rush blared from in his pocket. James jumped at the sound of his ringtone, not expecting it, even though he should have been. It had to be one of his friends. And it was. James' screen read 'Incoming Call: Logan'.

James tucked his phone back into his pocket. He was in no mood to talk. He knew he wasn't thinking clearly. He knew the logical thing to do was to go back into the studio and finish up with rehearsals. He didn't see his friends running out because they had so much on their minds that they forgot the lyrics.

Then again, they hadn't found out the day before that they were mentally insane.

A sharp pain shot through James' chest and made its way into his stomach. He didn't care how angry Gustavo was. He didn't care that he was being an irrational baby. And he didn't care that at this rate, there would be no tour.

All he cared about at that moment was going back to the apartment and sleeping until noon.

So James, decision made, stalked away from Rocque Records and began the lengthy walk back to the Palm Woods, turning his phone off.

"He didn't answer the first time, and now it went to voicemail."

"He probably turned it off because he doesn't want to talk to us."

"Yeah, I don't care about what he's doing, I care about WHERE HE IS! Now go find your friends and BRING THEM BACK HERE IMMEDIATELY!"

Without having to be told twice, Logan and Carlos bolted from the studio. Kendall was already attempting to pursue James.

"Do you think we should have told Gustavo?" Carlos asked Logan as they ran down the stairs.

"About James'...condition?"

"Yeah."

Logan shook his head. "No. I mean, yes, we definitely should, and we will. Just not yet. I think we should leave that up to James."

"But I don't think James wants to tell him."

"Trust me, I can reason with James. And anyway, we shouldn't do it without James there. When he ran out, I was going to explain so Gustavo wouldn't get as mad, but then I thought that isn't fair to James. It's his choice."

Carlos nodded as they reached the bottom of the stairs and ran out the front entrance. It made sense.

Upon arriving outside, the two dark-haired boys saw that neither of their friends were anywhere to be seen. They knew James wasn't going to be answering his phone, and Kendall had said he would text if he found James, but Logan decided to give him a call anyway.

"Logan? I haven't found him yet."

"Us, either. You think he got a cab and went back to the Palm Woods?"

"Actually, I think he started to walk back to the Palm Woods. I see him now, just a bit ahead of me. We're on Rodeo Drive. I'm gonna go catch up to him. Meet you back at the apartment?"

"Deal. And...make sure he's okay."

"Logan..."

"I know, I know, stupid thing to say. See you soon."

Logan flipped his phone shut and glanced at Carlos. "Kendall found him. He's walking back to the apartment. They're about five minutes ahead of us."

Carlos nodded. "Lets go."

"James! James, slow down man, I'm not going anywhere, so don't even try to outwalk me."

James sighed and slowed his pace. He still refused to look at Kendall.

"James, what are you doing? Why did you just leave like that?"

Like the storm that comes after the calm, James whipped around and lashed out on Kendall.

"Why? Why? I'll tell you why, Kendall. I'm messing up, and it's affecting the entire band, and I know Gustavo won't stand for that! Either will I!"

Kendall's features suddenly darkened with anger. "No, what Gustavo won't go for is someone who doesn't believe in themself and walks out everytime they don't do something flawlessly. And I know the real you won't stand for that, either. The real you knows how to fix his mistakes!"

And then James was the calm again. He laughed monotonically. He spoke flatly, lifelessly. "I don't even know who the real me is anymore."

"James, don't say that-"

"Why not? It's true. One minute I'm the same happy-go-lucky guy I've always been, desperate to live life to the fullest, and the next I'm...not even desperate to live."

"James! Don't you ever talk like that! I know that isn't true. Yeah, you may have your off days, especially lately, but you don't mean that."

James was silent for a moment. His head was lowered in what appeared to Kendall to be concentration.

Then James looked up, and tear-filled hazel eyes met glinting, anxious green ones.

"You're right, Kendall." James' voice was barely more than a whisper. "I didn't mean that. I swear I've never thought that before. But that fact that I said it...it scares me. Kendall, what am I supposed to do?"

And then, right there in the middle of the street, James threw his arms around Kendall in a crushing hug and sobbed.

Kendall wasn't embarrassed in the slightest. He didn't care if they got strange, curious looks from passer-by's. They had no idea what was going on.

Kendall wrapped one arm around his devasted friend and rubbed his back with the other.

"Shh, James, it's gonna be okay. I promise. Me, Logan, Carlos, my mom, Katie, we're all here for you, no matter what. We're not going anywhere, okay? I promise, buddy. I promise you."

And in that insant, James knew it was going to be okay. Because Kendall never broke his promises.

Logan and Carlos burst through the door of 2J and spotted Kendall sitting on the couch with James's legs on his lap. The brunette was fast asleep. Logan and Carlos smiled at the sight.

"Hey, guys." Kendall carefully slipped from under James and replaced himself with a pillow. The other boy didn't stir.

"Hey, how is he?" Logan asked quietly.

"Yeah," Carlos whispered. "What happened?"

Kendall began to look nervous. "Well first he said he ran out because he thinks he's messing up and it's affecting us. I told him that's completely untrue. Then he said he didn't know who he is anymore, and then...he said he didn't mean it, but, he said-he said that some days he doesn't feel like living."

Logan's mouth dropped open, and he was left speechless.

Carlos stuttered out "W-what?"

Kendall shook his head. "He said he didn't mean it. He said he's never even thought that before, and I believe him. But then he said he felt scared and now he doesn't know what to do..."

Kendall's eyes had drifted to stare at the floor while he spoke, and he now lifted them to look into Logan's, then Carlos'. And then out of Kendall's mouth came the words he never thought he'd say in the entire duration of his life.

"I'm scared, too."

Tears immediately sprung to Carlos' eyes, and he grabbed onto Logan's arm as the tears spilled, hot and silent, down his cheeks.

"It-it's just from the disorder. That's the only reason he said that. Once the pills start working, he'll be back to normal..." Logan wasn't sure who he was trying to convince; his friends, or himself.

Carlos only shook his head and cried into Logan's shoulder. He wanted to beg for Logan to make James better, because Logan was smart and studying to be a doctor, and he had always made the other three feel better any time they felt bad. But Carlos could see that this was something a thermometer, gauze, or a heart-to-heart couldn't fix.

"Look," Logan stated, trying to remain calm for all their sakes. "James hasn't tried anything. He's on medication. We're all well aware of his condition and what could result from it. We're with him almost 24 hours a day. So we watch out for him. Make sure we confront him if we see any sign that he might be heading into a deep depression. And we fix it. If we have to take him to the hospital to keep him from doing something...like that, then we take him. As long as we're around and alert, nothing will happen."

Kendall glanced back at James, still asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful, like nothing could touch him. But Kendall knew that was all an illusion. Sleep was probably James' only escape from all the inner turmoil Kendall knew he was experiencing. Kendall knew how it felt.

Turning back to his other two friends, Kendall nodded. "Logan is right," he said. "We keep a close eye on him, and he'll be fine. We know what to look for. Loss of interest in hobbies, loss of appetite, sudden aversion to us and anything else he loves, excessive sadness...with us by his side, he'll realize his life is worth living."

A moment of silence passed before Carlos finally lifted his head from Logan's now damp shirt. They were right. James had them, and they had James. What could go wrong?

Just then, the band's first hit was echoing through the apartment. It came from Kendall's jeans pocket.

He pulled the music-blaring device from his pocket and held it up.

"You have his phone?" Logan asked suspiciously.

Kendall nodded. "He had it off, I guess when we kept calling and texting him. I turned it on to delete the missed calls and messges. I didn't want him to be reminded right he woke up, you know?"

Logan nodded in understanding, then continued the motion toward the phone.

Kendall glanced at the screen, and Logan and Carlos saw his eyes widen in surprise.

"What?" they cried simultaneously.

Kendall frowned. "It's...Hawk...?"

"What?"

Still frowning, confusion crinkling his brow, Kendall pressed the answer key and held the phone up to his ear.

"Hel-"

"Do you have the information?"

"What?"

"The information. I thought we had a deal. Don't tell me you forgot. It was your idea to break down Big Time Rush from the inside. Middle man, you called yourself. Now, what were you able to dig up, Jamez?"

Logan and Carlos watched on as Kendall's frown turned to a look of shock and horror. "Kendall!"

Kendall's breathing hitched at the impossible words of the deep voice on the other end of the line. Then the voice was silenced as the phone slipped from his grip and clattered to the floor.

Doooneeee. I don't know why, but that took so much out of me to write. It's like I had ideas, but I couldn't figure out how to pace the story and stuff...but I think it turned out pretty good.

And...I hope you do to? Only one way to find out.

(Here's the part where you click that blue highlighted button down there) :) Maybe manners will help. Please? And thanks!