Breakdown

Chapter 12: Explanations

James yawned and opened his eyes. Whoa, wait, where was...?

Then he remebered falling asleep on the couch after he and Kendall had returned. Where was Kendall now?

James sat up and winced when his head began to throb, like a grenade going off inside his brain. Was this stress, too, or was it the medication? God, everything was so messed up.

Fighting against the pain to elevate himself into a sitting position, James glanced around quickly. Kendall had been right there when he'd fallen asleep. Where was he now? Where was anyone, for that matter? James could see that nobody was in the kitchen, and the lack of strange noises coming from anywhere else in the apartment told James that Carlos wasn't there. Maybe Kendall had just gotten up to go to the bathroom or something.

Swinging his legs over the side of the couch and rising to his feet, James grabbed his head and bit back a moan. The movement had exacerbated his headache which he was beginning to think was actually a migraine. The room spun, and James quickly sat back down. Hopefully Kendall would be back soon, because James could really use an aspirin and a tall glass of water, so cold that condensation dripped down its sides, and he definitely wasn't going to be getting back up anytime soon.

James rested his pulsing head back onto the pillow Kendall must've put there when he left and closed his eyes, but he knew it was to no avail. There was no way his bitch of a migraine was going to let him fall asleep.

But James lay still anyway, figuring it was his best bet to avoid further agony.

James lay on the couch in peaceful silence for a while, and his head stopped its incessant pounding. James felt rather relaxed, and his wonder as to where Kendall was slipped his mind as he felt himself slowly drifting into sleep.

James never fell fully asleep, because just as suddenly as he'd started to, the door suddenly slammed inward, startling James as his eyes flew open. Before he even saw his friends' faces, James got a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him something bad was about to go down.

James opened his mouth to greet his friends, but immediately thought twice when he noticed their mixed expressions.

Carlos looked immensely upset. Sad or disappointed, James couldn't quite tell. Maybe some of both.

Logan seemed disturbed, and maybe even a little...guilty? But there was a hint of frustration and hurt on his face, as well. It was difficult to pin point one emotion he displayed.

And then there was Kendall. Anger-no, fury, was written all over his face. His thick brows were narrowed dangerously, his mouth twisted in a menacing scowl, fists tightening at the sight of James, who was now sitting up on the couch, headache back with a vengeance as he struggled to determine with no information what it was that had his friends looking so intimidating.

"Why you little-"

"Kendall!" Logan and Carlos lurched forward and grabbed onto Kendall's shoulders, holding him back. James could see from where he sat that the two calmer boys were using almost all of their strength to keep Kendall from moving any further. He could also now see that Kendall's hostility was directed toward him. James felt his stomach clench. Whatever this was, it did not look good.

"Do you really hate us that much? Do you? Have you totally lost your freaking god damn mind? You want to secretly destroy us and work with Hawk? Go right ahead, I'm not stopping you. In fact, I'm encouraging you to. You two will make such a great team! You're both evil, crazy bastards, and you better believe that there is no way you can come grovelling back to us once you realize what a mistake you've made. Because I am done with you!"

"Kendall-"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear any of the pathetic excuses you're wracking your mind to think up right now. I don't want to hear anything you have to say, ever again! I don't even want to be near you. I don't want you in my life! I told you something that only two other people know, and I trusted you with that information. But that night, that stupid night will all the mushy secret-sharing, that was to get the information you needed, wasn't it? And do you remeber what I told you the next day? Of course you do, you had to remember, so you could run and tell your other producer that Big Time Rush has shocking secrets that need to be exposed in order to kill their careers!"

"Kendall, I wasn't going to do it, I-I wasn't thinking clearly, okay, I was still mad about the band breaking up and-and..."

"And what? Your 'condition' was affecting your thoughts in such a way that you couldn't see who the true enemy was? Hawk is the enemy, James! He always has been, always will be! So if you want to go work under his label and get screwed over, then go right ahead and do it! We don't care! And just remember, while you're sitting at home back in Minnesota bitching and crying about how your dream never panned out, we will still be rocking out and living the life of fame as Big Time Rush without you. And you'll have absolutely no one to blame but yourself. You and your other personality."

James used his unability to think of anything to say to allow his mind to catch up and comprehend what was happening. They knew about him and his not-so-secret deal with Hawk. Kendall was, predictably, pissed. Logan and Carlos looked like they were caught between being half as mad as Kendall, and disagreeing with some of the things Kendall had said.

But how did they know? It wasn't like Hawk was going around making this public. And then a cold chill settled over James, and he shivered. This was Hawk's plan all along. To get me to do this so I wouldn't be confused and caught off guard when he made sure that the others found out. How did that son-of-a-bitch do it?

But now wasn't the time to think about that. Now was the time to fight for his life... or, more-so, his career. And his friendship.

"Y-you guys, you know I would never do that to you. Right? Why do you believe Hawk, anyway? You say he's the enemy. So why can't he be the one lying? What makes you so sure he didn't scheme this whole twisted thing out to break us up himself, hmm?"

Kendall was practically seething at this point. He wasn't having any of this. "Oh, jeez, I don't know James, maybe because you just admitted that you did it. I mean, sheesh, yeah, you weren't thinking clearly. Maybe you weren't thinking clearly when you said that. Want to rephrase that earlier confession?"

Crap. He had said he wasn't go to do it, and that it was only because he was mad. But that was all the proof Kendall needed. It had crossed James' mind, and he'd acted. He'd gone to Hawk. Whether this was all an evil arrangment of Hawks or not, James had still went along with it in the beginning, thinking he would rise and BTR would fall. Bad move.

Kendall picked up from where he'd left off. "Too bad. I don't wanna hear it."

With that final remark, Kendall turned in a fit of rage and stormed from the apartment, leaving a conflicted Logan and Carlos with James. James' face had drained of any trace of colour. He was trembling so badly the couch shook. His eyes seemed to be glued to the door Kendall had just stalked out of, as if he though staring at it would make Kendall pop his head back in and laugh 'Gotcha! The look on your face! Priceless.' Some joke that would have been.

But Kendall didn't come back. Instead, Logan glared down at James and began his own tirade; however, he managed to remain significantly calmer than Kendall. The thing was, Logan hardly ever got mad. So when he did get mad, you could tell.

"Was this your plan all along? Were you doing this to get revenge on us? Let me guess, you didn't even really stop working with Hawk. You just made it seem that way so we wouldn't suspect a thing. And now that you have the opportunity, you're going to get this information released into the public as soon as you and your creppy little manager can."

"No, Logan, it isn't like that-"

"Save it, James. You know, this whole week I've been telling Kendall to lighten up on you, but now? Now I don't disagree with anything he said."

Logan mimicked Kendall's movements of only a minute before, whirling around and stomping out the door, probably off to go find Kendall and blab about what a huge mistake they made taking James back.

That left Carlos. He was hesitant as he debated over what to say or do. James had no one on his side. Should he stick up for his lonely friend?

But he had heard Kendall relay the phone call. It certainly sounded like James didn't care what they did. Carlos knew this was his decision to make, and he knew what he had to base it on. The truth. And James hadn't been telling it lately. It suddenly seemed like a no brainer to Carlos.

Regardless of what he was about to do, he wouldn't do it the same way Kendall and Logan had.

Carlos glanced at James with a look of sadness and sympathy on his face. "I'm sorry, buddy," he whispered, and he turned and slowly walked away.

James watched with an aching heart as the last of his friends walked away, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Maybe he deserved this. Even though he'd come to the conclusion that it was most definitely not the right thing to do, James had still gone to Hawk in the first place. This was just karma's way of saying 'Fat bitch coming through.'

He should have seen it coming.

He should have been a better friend.

Should, should, should. The word echoed in James' mind, reminding him that should have indicated past tense. He should have done all that stuff, but he hadn't, and now it was too late. Apparently not everything that is broken can be fixed.

So, was this it then? Was this what it all came down to? Was this how their friendship was going to end? Coming to a screeching halt all because he had royally screwed up?

It looked that way to James. He very strongly believed that, despite everything they'd already gone through, as bandmates and as friends, this was really, truly the end. Of Big Time Rush, and of their ten year long brotherhood.

One mistake, and it was all over.

James Diamond felt like his life was ending.

He snatched his phone which had somehow ended up on the floor and dialed.

"Hawk Records, Hawk speaking. How may I help you crush the dream of a rival?"

"Hawk!"

"Ah, Jamez. I was hoping to speak to you. You should know I already informed the fellow members of your soon-to-be once-was band of your evil little scheme."

"I know," James growled.

"How are they taking the news?"

"Well. And you should know that I'm about to inform you that I'm done with this stupid plan. You're not getting anything about them out of me. Oh, and I know this was your plan all along."

"Nicely done, Jamez. You figured it out a whole hour sooner than I'd expected. Sadly, you no longer work for me, and your friends are done with you as well, so where does that leave your sorry self? Alone. Hated. Normal, no longer famous, no longer part of something huge. An almost-was. Just another face in Minnesota."

James gritted his teeth and gripped his phone so tighly he thought he'd break that, his hand, and his jaw.

James struggled to control his breathing. He pulled the phone away from his ear and moved his finger over the end button. James could hear a faint 'Caw! Caw!' and he changed his mind.

Without bothering to end the call, James reached his arm back, swung it forward with all the strenth he possessed, and launched the device across the room. It connected with the wall and shattered into several chunks, scattering through the air and skittering across the floor.

The last piece stopped sliding and ended up near his feet. James stared down at it and embraced the sudden silence. James had always thought it was so cliche when in movies the line 'It's quiet. Too quiet,' was used. It drove James absolutely crazy. But now he understood why that quote was used so damn much. Because it was true. It was completely and utterly soundless and still in the room, and it was slowly but surely building up a volcano of blind rage inside of James. He felt like there was a silent ticking going off somwhere, counting down the seconds until he erupted.

And then the ticker got down to one and suddenly stopped. All was calm.

Calm. James felt...calm. Relaxed, even. Or maybe he was just numb.

Either way, James knew it wasn't good. But that was as clear as his thoughts were going to get at that moment. He was numb, and it wasn't good. But that meant nothing to James. He didn't care about bad or good or anything right then.

As if he was no longer in control of his body, James turned sharply and headed into the kitchen. He tore through the medicine cabinet, knocking bottles of pills and pink liquid and repulsive cough syrups over in his desperate search. James looked down into the sink where half the medication had fallen and saw it. Perfect.

Smiling slyly, James plucked the bottle from the sink and eyed the label. 'Warning: Do not exceed maximum dosage.' He remebered Mrs. Knight saying he was to take only one a day, in the morning. He'd already had his today. What a shame. He didn't care.

James still felt surprisingly calm despite what he was about to do. It should have scared him. Normally it would have. But this was different. He was too numb. He didn't want to feel, so he didn't allow himself to.

James filled a glass with water and took a sip. Holing the liquid in his bulging cheeks, James unscrewed the child-proof lid and popped it off. Pity I'm not a child.

James dumped the pills into his hand until it was full, and there were more pills in his palm than in the bottle.

Without a doubt, a second thought, James shoved the pills down, one by one, swallowing, sipping, gulping, until at least ten had travelled down his throat.

James quickly replaced all the medicine bottles and packages to their correct spots in the cupboard. If anyone were to walk in and see the mess in the sink, they'd know. And then they'd call an ambulance. Which meant there was a chance he'd get his stomach pumped before he'd succumbed to the sweet bliss of death. James didn't want that.

So he cleaned the evidence, hiding his pills behind the others, hoping no one would notice until tomorrow morning when he was supposed to take them. By then it would be too late.

Then James went into his room. He hoped everybody was still too angry to want to check on him, and if he was lucky, Carlos would assume he was sleeping whenever he came in the go to sleep. Based on what they'd found out that had them so pissed at him, they wouldn't care to see him.

James lay on his bed and wondered if he would feel this. His eyes fluttered shut, and he began to drift off. He noticed his stomach was starting to feel a little funny. It was kind of cramping. But it wasn't enough to keep James awake.

The thought of whether or not he'd thought this through was, though. James fought to open his eyes, but they were so heavy, too heavy...

This wasn't a good idea. Or was it? What did he have left in life? Friends? Nope. A career? Down the toilet. A back-up plan? A happy family?

None of that existed in his life anymore. But maybe he didn't want to leave the world...only, he did. Didn't he? Didn't he want...want...something...

James' thoughts began to blend together into incoherent mumbles deep in his brain. Soon he heard, saw, felt, knew nothing.

James Diamond felt like his life was ending. And he knew why. Because it was.

Here's a long authors ramble for you:

Gah! What? Did I just make James attempt suicide? Did I kill him?

You'll find out hopefully soon. Hopefully. I've been struck with a terrible condition called writers block. It took me forever to finish this chapter...forever being three days...but it felt long to me.

It's not that I'm stuck on what to do next. I know where I'm going with this story. It's just getting there I'm having a bit of a struggle with. But no worries, this story will not end until it is finished...I get what I'm saying.

So, this idea is still up in the air, but I might take an uber short break from this story and write a one-shot to get my mind straight again. I'm not sure though. It depends if I get any brilliant ideas.

Bottom line is, I will do my best to update as quickly as possible, whether it's this story or a one-shot.

Thanks for reading! :D