(Point of View: Katniss)
I could tell he was struggling with his thoughts that day when he came home from town. He wouldn't look at me.
"Petta, what's wrong?" I asked sitting a cup of tea beside him as he stared into the fire.
He didn't answer at first. I busied myself in the kitchen. Then he started talking.
"It's hard to accept that I don't know what happened, Katniss. All my memories of us in the arena are distorted. They're so disturbing. The Katniss in those memories just doesn't seem like you at all." He said.
I sat down beside him.
"That's because she isn't me. She's just an invention of the Capitol. She's not real." I told him emphatically. I touched him lightly on the shoulder. He flinched slightly.
Yes, he's definitely struggling, I thought.
"There are moments with you that seem pleasant in my memories, but even those are somehow contaminated. I guess that's from the hijacking, right?" He asked, clearly hoping for reassurance.
"Yes, I think that the feeling you have that your memories are contaminated is from the hijacking. Your memories are contaminated." I said. He still seemed unsure.
"Will you tell me what really happened then?" He asked.
I recognized how hard it would be to tell him my perspective without revealing how I felt at the time. I wasn't sure I wanted him to know how I'd felt about him back then. I'd been so confused.
"The last memory I have that isn't shiny is when you found me at the river." He explained. "I was happy to see you. I thought that even if I died, I would get a chance to say 'goodbye' to you."
He wanted to say goodbye to me? I thought about it for a moment and realized he had actually tried to tell me goodbye in the cave. I'd stopped him. I didn't want him to give up. It was heartbreaking to hear how he felt about me back then. If only I had believed him when he said he loved me. My voice cracked.
"Yes, that's right. I found you, and we got you into the water. I washed your clothes. I did my best to clean your wound. Soon after, we made it to the cave." I said.
"So, the leaves you put on the wound, were they to heal it?" He asked.
"I hoped the leaves would help. Rue said they drew out tracker jacker venom. They did work on our stings. I thought they might help draw out the infection too, Peeta."
"So you didn't put them there to make the wound worse, right? You didn't do it to make it dirty again…to make it more infected?" Peeta said it like he almost believed that I could do something like that.
"No, I couldn't have done that. I didn't want you to die, Peeta. That's why I tried so hard to keep you alive."
"I remember the pain in my leg, and I remember the fever. Sometimes it seemed like you were trying to comfort me, but other times it seemed like you wanted to hurt me." He said. He looked down. "It's very confusing."
"I wasn't trying to hurt you. I wanted you to get better. That's why I went to get the medicine at the feast." I said as genuinely as I could.
He looked up, surprised.
"So when you gave me the sleeping syrup, you weren't trying to over-dose me?" He probed further.
"No. Absolutely not." I thought of taking his hand but knew he'd likely pull it away. Now was not the time.
"Why didn't you just leave me? Why didn't you just kill me?" He inquired.
"Because I didn't want you to die, Peeta." I answered.
"And because you didn't want to look cold-hearted…on screen?" He added.
"I certainly didn't want to look cold-hearted or even be cold-hearted, but that's not why I stayed with you." I clarified. "Where would you even get an idea like that?"
I started to get upset. He was right, of course. Once the rule change was made so that two victors could win, I knew I could never return home to District 12 as a victor if I didn't at least try to help Peeta. Was that my only reason for looking for him? If so, what kind of person was I? Maybe I was what the Capitol made him believe I was?
"Why did you kiss me, Katniss?" He blurted out.
The room suddenly felt cold to me. I wasn't even sure I understood all the reasons for kissing him myself. I tried to explain anyway.
"I was confused, Peeta. I knew it was what Hayminth wanted me to do. I also knew we needed to look like we were falling in love for the cameras. I also felt something for you. I wanted you to live so desperately. I…I think I was beginning to fall in love with you…but I didn't know it. I kissed you because of all of that."
"So did the kisses mean anything to you…because the way I remember them, you didn't seem to mean them or like them?" He asked.
He looked so confused. I started to cry. My sadness was eclipsed only by my anger towards the Capitol.
"Peeta, they came to mean everything to me. That's what's important. The kiss we had when we were both better, that's the one that really meant something to me. It was the first one that made me want more. I think we would have kissed more, but my head started bleeding again. You told me I had to lie down. Then there was the beach in the clock arena. When we kissed there, I was amazed. I'd never felt that way before. You brought something out in me that I didn't know existed…a hunger…for…you."
Peeta's face looked sad.
"I don't remember any of that." He said.
"It was beautiful, Peeta. I wish you remembered it too. You gave me the pearl and the locket." Tears were streaming down my face.
Peeta put his arms around my shoulders and hugged me. I laid my head on his shoulder. I smiled. He could touch me once again.
"Katniss," he said, "can I ask you one more thing?"
I wondered why he thought he had to ask. He was my husband!
"I know you felt confused for a long time, when did you know that you were in love with me?"
"I think that happened on the victory tour. I just didn't know it then. I'll never forgive myself for making you wait so long to know that I loved you. Even back in District 12, I never told you! If you'd died in prison, you'd never have known." I said.
"No, I think I did know deep down, but I also knew you didn't want to be in love with me." He confessed.
He couldn't see me, but my eyes grew wide. Yes, he was right.
(Point of View: Katniss)
We sat on the floor by the fire later that night.
"So, we were holding each other like this," I said, demonstrating how we'd wrapped ourselves around each other on the beach the last night in the clock arena.
"Really? We did that on television in front of the whole country?" He shook his head smiling.
"Yes, but everyone thought we were married and pregnant anyway," I answered giggling.
"Then we did this." I said, kissing him lightly. "And this," I went on, deepening the kiss. "And this," I said starting a series of passionate kisses like the ones we'd had on the beach.
He stopped to take a breath.
"I think I get the idea," he said. His eyes softened, and he gently cupped the back of my head in his hand. He took over the kisses.
After a few minutes, I pushed the pearl into his palm. He closed his hand around it.
"The pearl meant so much to me. It was a link to you when we were apart."
He smiled.
"And this." I held the locket in my hand. "You brought this with you into the arena. You gave it to me in order to convince me to try to survive for my family. Of course, I knew that that meant you were willing to die for me – again."
I leaned in to kiss Peeta.
I pushed Peeta's shoulder downward with my hand until he realized that I wanted him to lie down. He complied, his eyes filling with desire for me. He smiled, took a deep breath, and closed them.
Then I made sure he had a new memory.
[My plan for the next chapter is for Haymitch and Peeta to discuss Haymitch's opinions on love. It could take me a few days to write that! I hope you still like the story. I realize that it's long…so thanks for staying with me…we have a few more things to do before concluding]