A/N I can't believe how far I've come with this story! When I first started writing it, I had no idea where I was going to head with it, but I'm so excited with how it's turning out! And it feels so great to share it with you guys! So I thank the world for my amazing, dedicated reviewers! And thanks to anyone and everyone who put Breakdown in their favourite stories and me in their favourite authors. Means the world! :D

Breakdown

Chapter 15: Forgiveness

James was at a loss for words. Hearing your friends tell you about how they saved your life isn't exactly an easy thing to take in.

"And then when we found out it was an overdose...you died twice, James...and I couldn't-I can't understand...was it really because of us?"

Logan was a mess, James could see. Tears had begun to pour down his face as he, Carlos, and Kendall had taken turns filling him in on what he had missed after the OD, one picking up when another could speak no more.

James had been listening intently, his heart growing heavier and heavier and the knot in his stomach tugging tighter and tighter. Now James averted his eyes from his three sniffling, puffy-eyed friends as he considered what Logan had just asked him. Well, yes, it had been because of them leaving him. Twice.

James shuddered. That horrible number again.

Finally James forced himself to look up into the awaiting eyes of his friends. He sighed. Lying had only gotten him into all sorts of trouble. He was done with it.

"Look, you guys, I'm not gonna sugar coat this. I did do it because of...what went down between us."

Carlos let out a small whine at the thought of his buddy trying to take himself out of this world being partially his fault. He knew he shouldn't have walked away from James.

"But. That doesn't automatically make it your fault. It was mine." James sighed again. "It wasn't you. I mean, yeah, you guys walking out like that before I could explain was hard on me. It broke me, I think. But I deserved it. I was betraying you guys. So, if you hate me, I understand. Completely. And it was wrong of me to put you guys through that. I'm sorry. Even though I know that will never be enough."

James ended his little speech and tried to analyze the expressions of his friends.

There wasn't much to differentiate from one another. They all displayed disappointment and guilt on their faces. But why those emotions? It made no sense to James. He'd just explained to them how it wasn't their faults. So why guilt?

Kendall opened his mouth and began speaking. "James, don't. Don't blame this on yourself. I mean, yeah, what you were doing behind our backs, with our enemy of all people, was rotten. But we-I- have been way too hard on you. I should have been supporting you and helping you, and instead I yelled at you and refused to listen. So maybe none of this is Carlos' fault, or Logan's fault. And maybe some of it is yours. But this is almost all me. So, please, don't say make yourself feel worse. You don't deserve it."

"Kendall-"

"Are you going to accept my apology or not?"

James fixated his gaze to Kendall's eyes. James looked deep, and could see nothing but sincerity. A slow smile broke out across his face, the first real one in-over four weeks. Right.

Then he nodded. "Yeah. I am."

"I don't know how I can make you guys feel like you don't have to worry. I really messed up this time."

The boys had moved on to an even more uncomfortable topic. The OD.

Logan glanced at Kendall and Carlos. He wanted to trust James, but if he did this once, what was stopping him from doing it again, even if he had no reason to? With his manic depression, anything during the depressive episodes was possible.

But none of them wanted to make James feel incompetent or anything.

"We're sorry James, it's just that, we don't want anything to happen to you. I doubt you'll ever...you know, again, but..."

"It's too risky," James finished.

Reluctantly, Logan nodded. That had been the exact word he was going to use. It just sounded so...rude? But he was trying to do best by his friend.

James sighed. "I understand, guys. I do. You can be as cautious as you want."

"Well, of course we will be, but we're not going to smother you or anything," Carlos piped up.

Logan and Kendall nodded their agreement. "You know we're going to have to keep a...a close eye on you, right?"

James sighed. Why, why had he done it?

He forced back a pout as he glanced at his friends. "I know." Of course he understood. How could he not? This wasn't something small that could be put behind them anytime soon. He'd tried to kill himself. It just wasn't fair that it had been spur of the moment. Not fair that he hadn't had time to think about the consequences. Not fair that he had this awful mental sickness that was breaking him down. His life had been going great up until the break up of the band. Perfect, in fact. Now though? Now everything was a huge, jumbled mess.

Not to mention the tour. His friends had told him that it had been canceled. Not postponed. Canceled.

They'd informed James that Gustavo had been thinking about canceling it ever since he'd heard the fight that went down between the boys when James wasn't there the morning after he'd fainted.

James was a bit surprised. He'd thought maybe Gustavo would try to have the other three dogs do the concert with him. Of course, they would never have done that. Not with the person who brought BTR together in a coma.

James smiled when he heard that. Maybe Gustavo did have a heart, after all. At least half of one.

James abruptly jerked back to reality. His friends were gazing at him with looks of sympathy etched on their faces.

"We're sorry, buddy. About everything."

"I know. I forgive you guys. I just want to forget about this past we-month." James kept forgetting that a longer time had gone by than he remembered.

His friends nodded. They got it. If they were in the same situation, they'd be thinking the same way, for sure. Not that they wanted to be thinking about being in this predicament.

They hadn't thought much about how James must be feeling. Of course, they knew he was devastated, and they'd been trying so hard to make him feel no different than them, though they had been treating him slightly differently. With a little more caution. But they'd never really taken the the time to put themselves in James' shoes for a moment, try to read inside his mind. James wasn't an easy person to read, but this was unmistakeable. He felt lost.

Who wouldn't? One day, you're just like everyone else, and the next, you're looking at yourself as some freak who can't control their emotions.

But the thing was, James was just like everyone else. Once the medication started kicking in-the right way-he'd be back to his normal, everyday, happy, irresistible self. Of course, he'd still have to live with knowing, with the haunting memories of the past, but this was James Diamond. He could handle it. This OD, it was just a once-in-a-blue-moon moment of weakness. A little breakdown. James was one of the strongest people Logan, Kendall, and Carlos knew. Nothing was going to stop him from living out his dream. Not bipolar disorder, not a few fights with his friends here and there, not a crazy, unfeeling producer, not a vengeful rival producer...Wait a minute...

Logan's head snapped up, and he stared straight at James.

"James, what did you do about...Hawk?"

James frowned. What had he done? Had he even done anything? His memory of that night so long ago was still hazy.

"You should know that I'm about to inform you that I'm done with this stupid plan."

Oh. Right.

"I called him after you guys left. Told him I was done. And I am. I don't even know what I was thinking...I wasn't thinking. I know that's no excuse, but..." James trailed off, not sure where to go with this.

Logan smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry about it anymore, James. We know you weren't in you right mind. And we also know you'll never do something like that again. We trust you."

Was that a hint of cynicism in Logan's voice? Were those words a challenge?

Stop doing this to yourself. He wants you to know they trust you, that's all. Now don't give them any reason to regret that.

James nodded to himself. His little shoulder-angel was right. As long as he never abused their trust again, he'd be fine. They'd be fine. And that was all any of them wanted right now.

James rubbed his hands over his face as he struggled to pay attention to what his friends were telling him now. Something about not having heard from Griffin since he cut the rope on the tour.

But James wasn't listening. His mind was too occupied with thinking about how his feelings and actions the past few weeks matched those of his friends. James had no doubt in his mind that his friends didn't have the same condition as him, but it struck him as odd, how, while his emotions roller-coastered, the actions of his friends did, too. Up and down, mad and comforting, there and gone...it was a lot to take in.

Then James found himself tuning into the conversation. Kendall was saying how whatever Griffin was planning was completely up in the air. Not even Gustavo had the faintest hint of an idea. Would Griffin be as understanding as Gustavo uncharacteristically had? Or would he end Big Time Rush-for good this time?

James pressed his hands harder over his face to keep his frustrated scream that was overwhelmingly building up inside of him down. Of course, his friends didn't fail to notice.

"James? You okay? What's wrong, buddy?" Logan asked frantically.

James shook his head, still buried in his hands. "It's just...I'm still trying to absorb everything, you know?" He sighed loudly. He was being sort of babyish, wasn't he? He sure felt like he was. "I'm sorry, guys. I need to stop complaining."

Logan chuckled slightly as he adjusted himself on the edge of James' bed so he could wrap an arm around the brunette's shoulder.

"Don't apologize. Okay? Enough apologizing. For now, at least. Lets just make the best of us all being here, together, not mad at each other. 'Kay?"

James scoffed. "Make the best of it? For now? Yeah, sure, but when your mom gets here, Kendall, I have a feeling the atmosphere is going to get a lot more somber."

"How do you know what somber means?"

James ignored Logan. "She's gonna make all of us have a big therapy session. Then she's gonna make me book a few dozen of my own, isn't she?" James meant for it to sound like a joke, but he knew it wouldn't turn out to be one.

Logan caught James' seriousness. He shrugged. "She might. She was really torn up about the whole thing. She couldn't stop crying. She's been here with us everyday. She almost stopped-" Logan was about to say that the concerned mother had practically stopped functioning altogether. She'd been in bigger shock than the boys had. But Logan didn't want to dampen James's mood even further. So he cut himself off quickly.

James didn't seem to pick up on it. Or if he did, he pretending not to. "Where is she, anyway?"

"I called her on our way to your room, right after the doctor told us you were awake," Kendall replied, then added, "which, I still can't believe."

A slow, sly grin made its way onto his face. "Speaking of Doctor Hill, you get her number yet?" He raised both eyebrows.

James rolled his hazel eyes. "In case you forgot, even though you just mentioned it, I've only been awake for like an hour. I haven't had time to work my magic. And besides, I- Ohmygosh!"

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos instantly jumped up. "What? What!"

James' voice trembled as he spoke the unspeakable words. "I haven't even seen myself yet." Then he closed his eyes dramatically. "The hair? Is it-" he faked a sob. "Is it...lifeless?"

The three panicked boys calmed down as they took their seats again, all rolling their eyes and shaking their heads. James was such a drama king.

Carlos answered. "Your hair is perfect, James."

James scowled at Carlos. "Shut up."

Yes, James was such a drama king.

But they loved that.