(Point of View: Haymitch)
The boy knocked on my door at 1 AM. To say he looked upset would be quite an understatement.
"Katniss and I had a fight," he announced as he walked right past me and into my kitchen.
"Well, won't you come in." I said sarcastically as I followed him.
Peeta turned around and glared at me.
Son, you are going to have to define 'fight' because I know that girl, and I know you." I gave him what I hoped was a knowing glance. I picked up my liquior bottle from the table. "You want a drink?" I added.
"It was an argument then." He said, "and yes, I do want a drink."
I'd been joking about the drink. I laid out two glasses and I poured him a drink anyway though.
"You must be desperate if you are looking for advice on love from me, son." I said. "You're just fortunate that Sae invited me to dinner tonight and kept me sober. Otherwise I'd be unavailable to you even for comisserating."
I watched Peeta down the liquor I poured for him. The face he made would have been comical if I hadn't been getting concerned about him. I decided to hold off on my glass.
So I asked him, "Peeta, why don't you just tell me what's bothering you? What happened?" And if that question alone doesn't proove that I was stone cold sober that night then I don't know what does!
"She told me to 'go home,' meaning to my house." He said. He ran his finger along the rim of the empty glass in front of him.
"She threw you out?" I said, stunned.
Peeta sighed. "She said that I'm going to leave anyway, and I might as well do it now." He looked away from me. I wondered how long it might take for liquor to kick in for the uninitiated.
"Why would she say that?"
"Because I want to have a baby, and she doesn't. She doesn't want one – ever." He explained. Tipping his glass toward me he added, "Can you pour me another."
I stared at him for a moment and poured a smaller amount than last time. He swirled it around in the glass as he continued.
"I sort of knew she didn't want kids, Haymitch. I thought I could handle that. Now that we are married though, I feel like I've given up something very precious to me to be with Katniss. Katniss is more precious to me, of course. I guess I just hoped she'd change her mind about having a baby."
I felt for the boy. I'd once had dreams like that for my future too.
"She hasn't had much time to think about it, has she? She's still pre-occupied with just getting through the day, isn't she? I said.
"Probably. I don't know why we were even talking about having a baby. Even I don't think we should do it right now, but Katniss said that she knows I'll leave her eventually. She says I'll find someone who does want a family." He said slowly.
He is definitely being affected by the alcohol, I thought. Wonderful, now I have to send him home drunk! That is, if she lets him come back home.
"I think part of it is that I don't want to wait too long. I'm afraid of something going wrong if Katniss gets pregnant, and I have nightmares of her dying. You remember that she was wounded a couple of times and had surgery in District 13? Apparently, it is safer for her to have a baby when she's younger if she's going to have one. So I thought we shouldn't wait too long."
Peeta put the glass down and rubbed his hands down his face. Then he rested his hands on the table, staring down at them.
"Wow. I can't believe I'm even saying that. I'm afraid of Katniss dying, and yet I'm pressing her to do the very thing that I fear could kill her. I just want kids so much, Haymitch. I can't really explain why it's so important to me."
I decided to let my guard down. After all, I wanted to help him…and her. I owed them at least that.
"Peeta, when I was about your age, Snow had my girl killed. If I could see her, even for a minute, I would not take anything for granted. I would enjoy everything I could about her, and I would make sure she knew I loved her. If you want my opinion, you and Katniss should just love each other right now. These other matters will work themselves out given time."
Peeta looked up. His glassy eyes indicated deep thought…though perhaps slower thought than usual.
Then he asked me, "You never got over that loss, did you?"
"Not really," I said. "They killed my family too – my brother and my mother. I found them dead. The grief never really left me. Whatever contribution I made to the revolution was for my girl and my family. I wanted the Capitol to fall for personal as well as political reasons."
Peeta sighed deeply.
"and that's why…" He stopped.
"…I'm a hopeless drunk?" I finished.
"Actually, I was going to say 'you have such a hard time dealing with life.'" He clarified.
Peeta looked like he felt sorry for me, which made me uncomfortable. I poured myself a drink.
"Did you ever fall in love again?"
"Yes. There was a woman in the Capitol. I had to go there frequently as the only mentor from my district. We kept our relationship a secret. Unfortunately, I had reason to believe that our secret wasn't safe. I had to push her away." I told him.
"You made that choice out of fear for her safety?" You let her go because you loved her so much? He asked.
"Yes. It was…really hard." I admitted.
"I think I did come to the right place for advice on love, Haymitch. Thank you." Peeta said, standing up.
"Where do you think you're going?" I asked.
"Home."
"Don't say anything you don't mean, Peeta," I told him as he opened the front door.
"I won't."
(Point of View: Katniss)
Peeta knocked on the door even though it was his house too. I didn't want to see him. I was tired of arguing, but the idea of not seeing him was frightening. What if he really did leave me? Why shouldn't he? As soon as I opened the door, I could tell he'd been drinking. I had never known him to drink before. I walked out into the night air to talk to him on the porch as if I wasn't ready to have him come in the house yet.
"I guess you visited Haymitch." I said.
"Yes." He said, his voice not sounding quite like his own. "And I realized something. I realized that I want to be with you no matter what we decide to do in the future about having kids." He said. His eyes looked sad, but sincere. He put his hands on my shoulders clumsily and kissed me on the forehead. "I hope you will at least consider having a baby someday, Katniss. I don't want to pressure you though. I just don't want you…or me…to miss out on something wonderful becasuse of all the bad things that have happned. I don't want you to let hopelessness win."
I thought for a moment. He was willing to compromise, to wait.
"I see what you mean. I guess that I don't want to let 'hopelessness' win either. I need…time…to decide though." I said. Tears started welling up in my eyes.
Why do I always cry about this? I thought. Maybe it's because it feels so troubling to disaapoint him. If it were him that didn't want children, wouldn't he compromise and have a child with me anyway? On the other hand, it is me who will carry the child in my body and give birth to it. It is me who will mother it. That makes the decision different for me.
"Peeta," I said. "before the reaping, I thought I'd never marry and never have children. I was afraid to marry and have children. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but marrying you was hard for me. Even though I loved you madly, I'd always thought I'd be alone. Loving you makes me…vulnerable…in a way that is hard for me to accpet. When I think of bringing a chld into the world, it scares me. I need time."
He nodded, but he looked dejected.
"I don't want us to fight about this." I said.
"Then we won't." Peeta said quietly. "It won't change anything to argue. You know how I feel anyway. It's not likely to change. I know how you feel, and you say you need time. Let's leave it at that for now." Peeta said. He drew me in to hold me.
I wondered what kind of mother Peeta thought I'd be. I knew he had not been close to his mother. In fact, his mother was probably best described as abusive to him and his brothers. My own mother was so distant that she not only missed our wedding, she didn't even acknowledge it! Peeta and I had poor examples of motherhood. I knew what kind of father Peeta would be though. He would be patient and kind. He would shore up my efforts at motherhood and make us better parents. I wasn't sure that was enough though. The world was a dangerous place. How could I choose to bring a baby into it? I thought I had so much control over the matter, but I was about to find out how little control I had.
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