A/N Surprise at the end! HEY, DON'T YOU DARE SKIP AHEAD TO THE END! You'll ruin it!
Breakdown
Chapter 19: Return
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
James felt his heart drop and his stomach turn before he even opened his eyes. Wasn't he out of the hospital and back at the Palm Woods? Why did he hear his heart monitor?
James slowly and reluctantly opened his eyes. Had it all been a dream? Was he actually getting released from the hospital today, and going back home to Minnesota?
James finally opened his eyes all the way. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Wait a second...
That wasn't the familiar beep of the heart monitor. And this room wasn't blindingly solid white. It was his and Carlos' room in the Palm Woods. And that was his alarm clock.
James breathed out a sigh of happiness and relief as he reached over and flicked the off button. He heard Carlos groan from the other side of the room.
"Morning to you too, buddy," James chirped as he swung his legs over the edge of his bed, already in a good mood.
He left Carlos to wake up and headed into the bathroom for a shower. The hot water felt great against his skin. James realized that he couldn't remember when the last time he took a shower was. He shuddered under the spray of the water. Over three and a half weeks ago, obviously. Beyond gross.
James turned the knobs off and the water stopped. He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a white towel around his waist, shaking water from his hair in a very dog-like fashion, droplets of the liquid flying everywhere.
Next James rubbed the fog from the mirror, but he quickly looked down as he did so, staring at the floor. Something was very wrong with him; he didn't want to look in the mirror.
This was a new experience for James, and he didn't like it, not one bit. The mirror had always been his friend. He could spend all day gazing at his reflection adoringly, and thanking the stars for making him such a stunner, but now? Now James was afraid to look in the mirror. And the worst part was, he didn't know why.
It wasn't like he had a reason to avoid making eye contact with his reflection. But that was thing that amped up his nerves the most. Looking straight into his own eyes. It wasn't that he was scared to see that his body, his face, had changed significantly over the past few weeks. He knew he'd gotten a bit skinnier, and his hair was a little lack-luster, but that was nothing. He was terrified of seeing dead eyes staring back at him.
Finally, uneagerly, James lifted his head and stared into the mirror. The first thing he noticed was how pale he was. Not just his face, but his entire body. It was horrible. But it was to be expected. He hadn't been exposed to the warm golden rays of the lovely sun for nearly a month, and he literally looked drained of colour. He was going to have to work extra hard to get his bronze glow back. Hard as in, lay around by the pool pretty much all day. And who knew how long Gustavo was going to keep them today?
James finally stopped obsessing over his pastiness and moved on. The next thing he noticed was his muscles. Still toned and defined, but not as...perfect, for a lack of better description, as they used to be, due to lack of proper nutrition and exercise. James sighed. Gym it was. Only, now what was he supposed to hit first, the pool side or the weight room? He couldn't exactly tan without a shirt looking like a twig (in his eyes, at least), but he also didn't want to go to the gym with all the tanned people down there and stick out like a...like a pale person among tanned people.
James scoffed to himself. Nice metaphor. At least, I think that was a metaphor.
James shook his head and decided he would hit the sun first. It took less time to get a tan than it did to build muscle. Anyway, he thought that his lack of colour was more obvious than his slight muscle loss.
James chewed at his lower lip as he slowly moved his eyes upward. What was he so afraid of? It wasn't like looking into his own eyes was suddenly going to make him a different person. It really wasn't necessary to be this nervous, but he couldn't help it.
Finally, James met his own eyes in the mirror. He leaned forward. Big and hazel and framed with thick, dark lashes. That was all the same. But they were lacking that certain sparkle that made James...James. It shouldn't have come as such a surprise. But James didn't like it. It certainly wasn't what he had feared. His eyes weren't dull and empty. But they were...sadder, maybe. Not as bright.
James stepped back, away from the mirror, so he could see himself altogether. It really wasn't that bad. If nobody knew what was going on, they'd just suspect he was a little under the weather. And maybe that's what people would think. That he'd been rushed to the hospital because he'd been sick, not because he'd overdosed.
James had found out shortly after arriving back at the Palm Woods that someone had managed tosnap a few shots of him being loaded into the stretcher. However, the shots had been taken from afar, and it wasn't crystal clear that it was James on the stretcher. But people assumed, and word got out that James Diamond of Big Time Rush had been rushed to the hospital. James was just thankful that nobody knew why. Security at the hospital had been fairly tight. No one was going to get the real scoop. James considered that the one lucky thing that came out of this. Not that he'd have had to worry about it if he hadn't...
James shook his head, watching drops of water drip from the ends of his hair to the floor. He couldn't keep thinking like this forever. He wasn't going to do it again, that was for sure. But there was still one thing nagging in his mind. Was his mother going to force him to go to counseling?
A knock at the door jarred James from his worrisome thoughts.
"James? You okay?" It was Kendall. "You've been in there for a while and I haven't even heard the blow dryer."
James tore his gaze away from the mirror and began getting dressed as he answered. "Yeah, Kendall, I'm fine."
"I don't believe you, but I know you don't want to talk about it, so I'll leave you alone now."
James winced as he listened to Kendall's footsteps fade away. He knew his friend was only trying to get him to talk so he'd feel better, but James didn't want to burden them or something like that. This was his mess to deal with. Besides, he was fine. He was.
Maybe not great, but better than he thought he would be. But maybe that was just because he was doing his best to avoid the problem altogether. He didn't want to talk about, so he thought about it. And that wasn't good, he knew. But it wasn't something that came up in every day discussions.
James sighed. He didn't want to stew over it anymore. All he wanted was to get to the studio, hear that BTR was going to live on, and move forth. That was his plan for the day.
Maybe I do need counseling, James thought as he began to blow dry his hair. Then he allowed all and any thoughts to depart from his mind as he focused on getting his hair to fall just right.
James wandered out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. Logan, Kendall, and Carlos were sitting at the table, Carlos and Logan munching on bagels, while Kendall slurped up some cereal. The mothers and Katie were still asleep, due to the seven a.m earliness.
His friends looked up and smiled when they saw James. "Hey, James, sit by me!" Carlos pleaded. He patted the chair to his left, and James laughed as he got a bowl from the cupboard and sat next to Carlos.
"Morning, guys," he chirped happily. Sitting here with his friends eating breakfast like everything was perfectly normal made him feel like everything was. James missed this. It had been way too long.
James poured himself some cereal, just enough to cover the bottom of the bowl. Kendall and Logan eyed him carefully, but they didn't say anything. Carlos, however, wasn't one to hold his tongue.
"James! You need more than that!" And Carlos took it upon himself to dump half the remaining cereal into James' bowl. The box had been full when Kendall had opened it that morning.
James' bowl was now overflowing. His stomach flipped. Logan noticed James go even paler, and he quickly shoveled the excessive amount of cereal back into the box while Kendall scolded Carlos.
"Carlos! Don't you remember what happened last night? James can't eat a lot! And we can't force him to. It'll make him sick."
Carlos lowered his eyes and took on the expression of a kicked puppy. Kendall's face softened a little, but he didn't apologize. Carlos should know better.
Logan stayed silent as he continued to empty James' bowl. James wrapped an arm around Carlos and gave Kendall a warning look.
"It's okay, Carlos, I'm not mad at you. You just forgot, that's all."
Carlos brightened, raising his head to grin at James. "Thanks, man! I'm still sorry, though."
"Don't be." James took over for Logan, finishing scooping the extra cereal into the box until he was left with the amount he'd started at. He poured his milk and glanced up. It was suddenly last night all over again. His friends were watching him closely, not even trying to be inconspicuous about it. James raised an eyebrow at them. "Uh, guys? Can you not?"
"Right, right, ha," Logan stammered, and shoved a hunk of bagel into his mouth, smiling sheepishly around it at James before looking away.
Carlos and Kendall just shrugged and continued eating their own breakfasts.
"Fo whadya finks gunna happen totay?" Carlos mumbled through a half-full mouth.
Logan glared at him while Kendall said "Who knows with Gustavo and Griffin. We need to be ready for anything." He suddenly looked dead serious. Loud gulps echoed around the table.
Carlos, always the optimist, just smiled and said "Well, I'm preparing for the best. We've gotten this far, what's gonna stop us now?"
Forced smiles broke onto the faces of the other band members, and they couldn't help but think that sometimes, Carlos seemed like the smartest of them all.
"Welcome back, boy-"
"Oh, if it isn't the DOGS, who I haven't seen in OVER A MONTH!"
"Gustavo, you know what's been going on," Kendall began. He was already getting worked up. Logan and Carlos didn't blame him. Gustavo had no right to be angry.
James, on the other hand, didn't want Kendall to start anything. He didn't want to be reminded about how this was all his fault. He just wanted to sing and have a good time with his friends.
James glanced up from the floor to see Kelly and Gustavo's eyes on him. He blushed and hastily averted his gaze.
"Just. Sit." Gustavo's voice was strained, giving away his struggle to stay calm. "Griffin will be here in twenty-one seconds, and he has left us COMPLETELY in the dark about what it going to happen to BTR, so you dogs will pay attention to everything he says, and you. Will not. Interrupt." His glare was focused on Kendall as he said the last part, and said blonde simply smirked back.
Eleven silent seconds later, Griffin arrived, letting his assistants enter the studio first so they could hold the door for him. He was smiling, as always, despite the somber explanation of their lengthy absence that he must have heard.
"Boys! So great to see you. I'm afraid I have some bad news."
The faces of all four boys fell. You guys can thank me later, James thought bitterly.
"My pants are cold, so I must make this short and quick. Daddy needs warm cheeks to function properly."
The boys shared baffled looks before glancing back at Griffin.
"Now. Time for the good news."
The boys, Gustavo, and Kelly all straightened up and focused their unblinking eyes on the white-haired CEO. Lips were bit and breaths were held. This was it!
"Big Time Rush...is going on tour."
Griffin's announcement was met by dead silence. The CEO threw his hands in the air, grin widening. "Isn't this exciting! I can see you're all too thrilled to react! So I'll leave you to let it sink in."
He turned to leave, but was stopped by Gustavo's sharp "What?"
"I don't believe that Big Time Rush is dead. Yet. If you can prove on the tour that BTR still has its huge fan base, then that means more dough for all of us." Griffin smiled grandly again, clapping his hands together once, as if the action would magically make everyone as chipper as himself.
"Griffin, we're not ready for a tour."
"Relax. You have plenty of time to rehearse."
Six sighs of relief echoed throughout the small room.
"The tour's in a week."
Now six disbelieving voices reverberated around the booth. "One week?"
"Big Time Rush is going on the tour it missed two weeks ago in one week." Griffin nodded at his own words. "Gustavo, if you and your boys can pull something together in that time, then I know Big Time Rush can truly do anything. If not, well, then, I'm afraid it will be the end of Big Time Rush. For good this time." Griffin smiled once more as if he hadn't just delivered the scariest news any of the band members had ever received and left, his robot-like assistants trailing behind.
Big Time Rush and its producers were left standing dumbfounded, blinking dazedly at each other as their brains raced to process this fresh information.
The room remained heavy with the eerie silence that could only mean one thing. The boys and Kelly sucked in deep breaths and clapped their hands forcefully over their ears.
Then Gustavo exploded.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!"
"Gustavo, that's not true! We're Big Time Rush. Remember? We've already beaten all the odds. Did you think we would make it in the beginning? And have we? The answers are totally opposite!"
Kelly sighed and backed away. She wanted no part of this right then.
"Oh, I'm sorry Kendall, are you the one who has to GET YOU DOGS READY FOR AN ENTIRE TOUR, AND ORGANIZE IT?"
Gripping each other's arms fearfully, Carlos, Logan, and James shrunk back against the wall. Kendall stepped closer to Gustavo.
"No, we're not. But we're the ones who have to rehearse, have to perform, and have to get our heads together in a week when I still don't even have my head around what's gone on in the past month!"
Kendall moved to storm out of the studio, but he turned at the door and glared at Gustavo. "And don't think that we won't be able to do this. We will. If you want to quit on us again, go ahead. We can handle the tour without you." James swore Kendall's darkened eyes landed on him for a instant, but a second later the blonde was gone.
"Kendall, wait!" Carlos bolted out of the studio after him.
James glanced nervously at Logan. The boy was tugging his dark hair straight up, obviously stressing. He looked at Gustavo.
"Look, Gustavo, Kendall's right. We can do this. A week isn't a lot of time, but remember when we first came here? We became good enough to impress Griffin in three days. So, don't doubt us so much. We're doing to the tour. And we're going to do a damn good job." Then Logan, too, left.
Of course, James, feeling extremely uncomfortable, was itching to get out of there now. But before he could plant one foot outside the door, he heard a "WAIT!"
James slowly, slowly, turned around to face his red-faced producer. Beside Gustavo, Kelly looked a little concerned. "I think we should talk," Gustavo said.
James felt his stomach start to knot. Sweat beaded on his forehead and popped out onto his suddenly clammy palms. He knew this was all his fault, and he felt guilty enough. Did Gustavo really have to yell at him about it?
"Y-you know, uh, ha, I should..." James stammered, desperately searching for an excuse to leave. "I should make sure Kendall's not killing Logan and Carlos. Can't do a tour with two!"
James attempted to make his escape, but Gustavo's shouting voice held him back. Not physically, duh, but walking away from a fuming Gustavo was not something James considered best for his health, so he very reluctantly backed away from the door, but stayed as close to it and as far from Gustavo as he could.
Gustavo sighed. Next to him, Kelly pressed her lips together in a nervous manner. She knew this needed to be talked out. She just wasn't sure how Gustavo was going to approach the issue.
"James," the stocky producer began. "We know about...well, everything."
The speech had just started and already James cold feel the awkwardness in the air. He was mortified. This was hard enough to talk about with his best friends. Having to stand here and listen to his completely apathetic producer lecture him on doing the best for the band by not trying to kill himself...that was damn near impossible.
"Gustavo, look, I know I did something stupid, okay? And that the band is probably now done because of it. I get that. So please, just don't spend the rest of the day going on about it. Oh and, maybe you should listen to the other guys for once, 'cause they're right. We're doing the tour, and nothing's going to stop us."
"Don't. You walk through that door."
James and Gustavo's eyes widened in shock, for it was Kelly who had spoken so menacingly.
She noticed the looks she was receiving and shrugged. "What? They always listen to you when you're mean. Anyway," Kelly added, now looking seriously at James. "We don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. We just want to make sure you're okay."
Don't want to make me uncomfortable? James thought icily. It's a little late to prevent that.
However, James refused to show his embarrassment. He just forced a very unconvincing smile onto his face. "Uh, thanks, for...worrying, I guess. But I'm fine now. And I should really go make sure the other guys are. Bye!"
James made a break for it before he could be stopped again. When James didn't see any of his friends in the studio, his hand reflexively went to his pocket. But finding it empty, James cursed under his breath. "Hawk," he hissed, remembering the conversation that had issued the smashing of his phone. James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He didn't care if it was sticking up haphazardly. He just wanted to find his friends.
James wandered aimlessly through the studio, for once hoping to hear Kendall's shouting voice. It'd make it so much easier to locate him.
And then James rounded a corner and cried out when something rammed into him. "Jeez, watch it!" Well, there was Kendall's voice, but it was shouting at him. Not what James had anticipated.
Kendall saw who it was that had just ran into him and sighed. "Sorry, man. I'm just...I'm so mad! Doesn't he get that we're willing to work hard?"
James shrugged. "He's Gustavo," he stated simply.
Kendall just grunted in frustration as Carlos and Logan dashed around the corner, skidding to a halt just behind Kendall. They both looked a little discouraged, Logan more so than Carlos, because, of course, a smile was shining through the 'glass-half-full' boy's crestfallen expression.
"Guys, why are we standing around moping when what we should be doing is marching back into that studio and proving to Gustavo just how dedicated we are to the future of this band?"
Just like at breakfast that morning, the other three boys raised their eyebrows at each other. Carlos was so...inspiring today.
Logan was the first to crack a smile. "He's right again, guys."
James gasped dramatically at the words, earning a glare from Carlos and a chuckle from Logan. Kendall remained stone-faced.
"We haven't given up yet. And we're not going to. This tour is going to be a huge success. It's an enormous step toward our goal to becoming famous. And it will happen. So listen to Carlos. We have to work extra hard to pull this off. That means no fighting Gustavo-" Kendall rolled his eyes at the meaningful glare sent his way. "And no-umm..." Logan glanced awkwardly at James, blushing. "N-no obsessing over appearance when we're supposed to be practicing."
"Nice save," James muttered.
Logan shot James an apologetic look, but the pretty boy had already looked away. "Lets do this," he said, determination in his voice. "Lets blow Gustavo and Griffin away."
"How was your day back, boys?" Mrs. Knight asked as the boys entered the apartment.
Kendall gave her a sarcastic look. "Great! We found out we have a tour next week."
Mrs. Knight's tea sprayed from her mouth and across the table, while Katie's eyes gleamed ecstatically. "I am going to be rich!"
"A- a tour?" Brooke's voice displayed surprise.
The boys nodded.
"James, you can't."
James' lips twisted into a frown, eyes narrowing in confusion. "What? What do you mean I can't?"
The two mothers shared weary looks before turning back to James. "Sweetie, the thing is, I was hoping to get you some...help."
"But I do have help," James insisted, wrapping his arms around his three friends. "I have all the help I need."
Brooke sighed. "No, James, I meant professional help."
"...Oh." James' eyes fell downcast, and his left arm slipped from around Kendall and Carlos' shoulders, his right from Logan's.
Brooke stood and made her way to her disheartened-looking son. "James baby, listen. I'm not so sure a tour is such a great idea right now. You're...incident is still recent. I just think it's best for you to have a little more time before you get back out there again. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
James nodded, his eyes not budging from the floor, his heart growing heavy in his chest with dread. He'd altered his mother's decision once this week, could he do it again?
"You knew this was coming," Brooke continued. "The help, I mean."
"I-I know." James' voice was barely a whisper. He cleared his throat. "I know that, Mom. But...this is huge for me, for all of us. A tour, Mom. If we don't do this tour, we're done. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
Brooke's face went slightly pink. She was silent for a minute, and the entire apartment was suddenly still as everyone held their breath and awaited Mrs. Diamond's reaction.
Finally, she came back to life, blinking in shock at being spoken back to like that again. But her eyes were soft. They stayed trained on her son and didn't drift. "Let's speak about this in private, alright?"
James swallowed noisily. He nodded, not trusting his voice. He was shaking. Inside. Not just because of what he'd just said to his mother, but because of everything. If this tour didn't pan out, they were done. Simple as that. Griffin had made that very clear. Gustavo had made it even clearer when they'd gone back and told him they were ready to run themselves ragged in preparation for the tour. He'd shouted until Carlos swore his head was one more exclamation point away from imploding about how running themselves ragged was going to do no good come time for the concert, but convincing him they could handle it they'd managed to do.
But now? James' mother potentially not allowing him to tour? Meaning none of them would. His life was one bitter-sweet mess after the other.
James followed his mother into his and Carlos' room, ignoring the stares he could feel burning into his back.
Brooke shut the door behind them and sat on one of the beds, motioning for James to do the same. He could see the hurt in her eyes when he opted for the opposite bed, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
Never one to sugar coat things, Brooke jumped right in. "James, please, listen to me. Iknow what this tour means to you, I do. It's a new level of your career. I just don't think it's right to send you out there in the public eye when you're still not...you."
Now James' outsides were trembling as well. "Mom, you can't tell me that you know how much this means to me and then forbid me to do it! Clearly you have no idea what this means to me if you won't allow me to go! My career is over if I don't do this tour! And believe it or not, I don't want to go home and be the new CEO of your cosmetics company. Not only that," he pressed on, far past aggravated, "but I'll also be ruining the lives of my best friends! They won't go on without me, I know they won't. So please, just once, do something that'll make me happy, not you."
Brooke sat there, trying not to appear astonished. She didn't want her Jamesy to think she didn't care about him, but wasn't that how she was making him feel?
Brooke always got what she wanted, but she had a feeling this time she wouldn't. She knew the other boys would be begging her all night to let James go on tour. And besides, she'd let him stay n the first place. She should've figured something like this would come up. Plus everything he'd just rebutted with did make for a solid argument, she had to admit. What harm could a six week tour do...?
But no! He needed help, and that couldn't wait till after the tour. It was too risky. Counseling was the way to go, but...he was looking at her with his puppy-dog eyes, the ones she'd always been able to resist, but now she was cracking...
Finally, Brooke threw her hands into the air in exasperation. "Ugh! Fine James, you win. But you'll be under the watchful eye of Kendall's mother the entire time. And you're going to counseling the day after you get back! And you will have you're medication, so that should help...in the proper dosage at least... And I'm only permitting this because I know you'll be surrounded by things and people you love, so I really shouldn't worry so much...Oh, my boy..."
James didn't hear any of the ands or buts. His eyes had lit up the moment his mother had spoken the words "You win."
He let himself be swept up in his mother's arms, he even let her mess up his hair a little. At that moment, he didn't care what she was doing to it. All he cared about was them rocking the tour...in one short week.
Guess what? SURPRISE! I CHANGED MY MIND! Inspiration came to me that I couldn't ignore, and the story ISN'T ending next chap! YAYY! For those of you who bought Elevate (I did, it's EPIC!), have a listen to celebrate the on-going of Breakdown! Or just to jam! Even though I'm sure you's already are. I am! :D
Also, randomly, I don't know why I say Brooke in this story but never Jennifer for Mrs. Knight. Huh. Just kinda happened that way, I guess. Oh well, I'm over it!