I glance over at Elena to find she's already fallen asleep; good.
I gently stand up trying not the shake the bed; I glance around the room trying to find my clothes, before getting dressed as quietly as possible
I've never been this guy, even before Andie. I mean sure I had a couple one night stands in college but I never snuck out like a coward, I at least stayed the night and said goodbye before we parted ways; but I don't know what else to do.
The fact that I just compared Elena to one of my few one night stands makes me sick.
I feel like I'm going to throw up. I have to get out of here.
I'm just about to close her door behind me when the hinges squeak and I hear her call my name
"Damon?" a confused voice comes from behind me
"Hey" I pause, trying to come up with an explanation
She props herself up on her side, and takes in my appearance, as soon as she sees me dressed, with my shoes in hand her expression turns to one of pure hurt "What are you doing?" she asks
"I have a really every day tomorrow, so I have to get going" I say
"An early day?" she says skeptically
"Yeah"
"You don't have a job..." she points out
"Yeah and?" I snap, feeling myself shift into defense mode, even though I know I'm the last person in the world has the right to be defensive right now, I can't help it.
"I just, I don't understand what you could be doing? You could sleep here" she offers
"I just…look, I don't have to explain myself to you" I snap, her kindness fueling my panic filled anger
"I guess that's true" she looks down, trying the hide the hurt on her face "I just didn't think you would be the kind of guy that would sleep with me and then"
"I'm not" I interrupt, "This isn't me, I just, I can't do this-" I stumble over my words, trying to form a coherent thought about what just happened and where to go from here
"Is it your wife?" she asks
"Elena, I told you…"
"I know what you told me" she snaps "and I know there's a whole bunch of things you haven't told me too. I just assumed that you were telling the truth, no matter how vague it was; but I need you to tell me the now, are you married?" the panic evident in her voice
"Elena… Please" god, I'm such a coward, she deserves more than this, she deserves an answer, she doesn't deserve to be here lying naked in bed with this look of panic on her face
"It's a yes or no answer Damon…" her voice cracks, scared to know the answer
"Yes" I whisper
"Jesus Damon! You asked me to trust you, and I did. This was me trusting you!" her voice starts to rise, as tears pool in her eyes
"I know, I'm sorry, but it's complicated" I look down at the floor, suddenly my shoes are the most interesting things in the room
"No!" she shakes her head "You don't get to be sorry, not anymore. You don't get to fuck me and then just say sorry! And it's not complicated, you're either married or you're not!"
I wince at her crass terminology, I want to tell her that she's wrong, that it was more than just fucking, but there are hundred different reasons that she's not going to believe a word I say.
"It was a mistake" I whisper "and I'm sorry for letting it happen"
"For letting it happen? God Damon, you make it sounds like I attacked you, you were involved in this just as much as I was"
"I know! And it shouldn't have happened!" I shout
The tears welling up in her eyes finally spill over onto her cheeks, god I'm such and asshole, I lower my voice back down "we had too much to drink Elena, this was wasn't supposed to happen, you know that... we were supposed to be friends"
"I don't know anything, I don't know who you are, I don't know where you live, I didn't know that you're married! That's the kind of thing a friend should know Damon… and god, the kind of thing I should've known before I jumped into bed with you" tears continue to falls down her face, and I want so badly to reach out and wipe them away but I know I can't "I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with married men Damon" she shakes her head "I saw your ring, and I chose to believe you, god I'm so stupid" she says more to herself then to me
"You're not stupid…"
"Just leave" her voice sounds so broken it cuts me to my core
"Elena…"
"I said leave!"
"Please…" my voice is so heavy it doesn't even sound like my own
"Go back to your wife Damon" she shakes her head
"I wish I could" I whisper
In that moment she looks so fragile and so broken I can't stand it, I did this, I broke her, I knew I was damaged, I knew I wouldn't bring anything good into her life yet I dragged her into this mess anyway.
I have to tell her the truth, it's what she deserves, it's what I should've done as soon as we started getting closer.
I take a deep breath before letting it out "Elena, my wife died in a car accident five months ago" I look back down at the floor
"What?" She looks up at me with a horrified expression, and for a second I think she doesn't believe me, so I keep going
"There's more" I shake my head "She was five months Pregnant with our daughter"
When I look up at her I can tell she's about to apologize so I stop her
"Please don't apologize" I say quickly
I move to sit next to her on the edge of the mattress before continuing "Right after the accident, I was a mess; I moved into Stefan's house, I stopped talking to my friends, I quit my job, I never even left my bedroom. I hated myself Elena, hell most days I still do; I hate myself for dragging Andie to a party she wasn't even supposed to be at, I hate myself for taking my eyes of the road while driving us home, I hate myself for being the only survivor, and more than anything I hate feeling sorry for myself"
I take a moment to gather my thoughts before continuing "Eight weeks ago, I finally went to see a therapist, because I was drowning, I felt like I couldn't even breathe"
"The business you had to take care of" she recalls
"Yeah" I nod, and smile sadly "he recommended that I start getting out more, to be around people who didn't know me before the accident and who didn't know what had happened. I left there that day and spotted the coffee shop and decided to give it a try, to see how it felt to be in public again, and I acted like an asshole. I felt so bad about how I had treated you, it was another reminder of what the accident had taken from me. The old me would have never spoken to you like that"
"Damon…" she reaches out and places her hand on top of mine
"Please, let me finish before you say anything" I plead
"Then the following week you stopped to ask a stranger sitting on a bench if they were ok, even when you found out it was me, 'The mean guy'" I smile at the distant memory "You still had a concerned look on your face, not because you were worried I was depressed, or because I wasn't eating enough or because you thought I might be suicidal, it was just concern for another human being, and you forgave me, no questions asked. That day we talked and got to know each other a little bit, and it felt good Elena, it felt good to be around someone who didn't feel sorry for me" I shrug
"I should have told you as soon as we started getting closer, but I was afraid that you would start pitying me like everyone else, and I didn't want to lose what we had going. It I was selfish, I know that; to expect you to be what I needed without giving you anything in return. You were right when you said there are things friends tell each other, and I failed to do that, I gave you the bare minimum of the truth, I was a bad friend, and what I did tonight night was terrible"
"It takes two to tango Damon, you told me that you weren't interested in romance, and I went for it anyway. I guess I was just hoping you had changed your mind" she shrugs
"I would be lying if I said things haven't changed since I told you that, they obviously have" I nod "but in the end, it doesn't change anything, I can't be with you"
"But Damon-" she starts to protest, but I stop her
"No Elena, I need you to understand that in a different time under different circumstances I wouldn't hesitate for a second, you're an amazing woman inside and out and god knows you're gorgeous, but you don't deserve this, I'm damaged goods Elena" I shake my head
"Damon, the accident wasn't your fault" she reaches up and places her palm on my cheek
"I hope someday I believe that" I smile sadly "and I hope someday I stop wanting Andie as much as I do, but I still love my wife Elena, and you shouldn't have to compete with a ghost, or wait around for me to be ready, you don't deserve that. You deserve someone who loves you fully and unconditionally. Don't ever settle for anything less than that" I pull her hand away from my cheek, press a kiss to the back of her knuckles and place it down on the bed "I'm so sorry for hurting you" my voice cracks and a tear slips down my cheek, I quickly wipe it away and walk towards the door
"Damon, please don't go" her voice cracks
I don't look back at her as I walk out the door because I know if I do I'll never be able to leave
When I finally reach the sidewalk outside of Elena's apartment complex I stop and lean against the wall of the building.
With a deep sigh, I finally allow the weight what just happened to hit me.
This was the last thing I had expected to happen tonight; I knew things had shifted between us, but when I invited Elena I figured we would have a few drinks, tell some stories, have some laughs, and then go our separate ways.
I figured things would remain as they have been, we'd send a couple texts throughout the week and then meet for coffee as usual. I never thought I would be leaving her apartment at two in the morning with ruffled hair and lipstick on my shirt collar.
I never thought my heart would be so heavy with guilt, both for sleeping with a woman who isn't my wife for the first time in almost six years, and for hurting someone as sweet and innocent as Elena.
I never thought I would have this sick feeling in my stomach, a feeling that makes me think for a second that maybe I made the wrong choice, maybe I should've stayed and heard Elena out but then I remember that best decisions are usually the hardest to make, and that I need to be unselfish and let her go.
Tonight could have gone a hundred different ways and yet here I am, heavy hearted and friendless.
On that note I drag myself away from the wall and hail a taxi.
By the time I get home it's almost three in the morning, at least I know Stefan and Caroline will be asleep, oh god, Caroline… She's gonna kill me when she finds out what happened.
I unlock the door quietly and tip toe into the house
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"
I groan when I turn around and find Stefan standing in the dark kitchen, glass of water in hand
"Someone's doing the walk of shame" he smirks
"Please Stefan, not tonight" I try my best not to sound defeated, but Stefan sees right through it
"What happened?" he comes closer
"I told her the truth" I shrug
"That's great" he smiles, but he must see something in my expression because it quickly falls into a frown
"After I slept with her" I add
His eyes widen at my words "You didn't…"
"I already know I'm a terrible person ok, and I feel like shit, so please save you lecture"
"I wasn't going to lecture you"
"Yes you were, it's what you do" I shrug
"Ok, maybe you're right, but I'm not going to lecture you about this"
When I don't respond, he places his hand on my shoulder
"Damon, are you ok?" he asks
"No, I'm not; but this is what I deserve Stefan" I shrug his hand away
"No it's not…"
"Yes it is, I killed my pregnant wife Stefan, because I was selfish and forced her to come to a party with me. If I had just let her go to her book signing like she was supposed to none of this would be happening, but it did, and I'm miserable, and that's ok, I've accepted this misery as my punishment, but tonight I hurt Elena Stefan, I hurt Elena because I'm still the same selfish asshole I was the night of the accident"
"That's not true Damon and you know it" he says sternly "you're just a guy who was desperate to feel something good again. Was your timing bad? Sure, but you would never set our to hurt anyone Damon, mistakes happen, you have to know that"
"I don't know what's true anymore" I shake my head
"Damon…"
"Save it Stefan, I'm going to bed" I interrupt him
This time he doesn't try to stop me.
A/N: You guys rocked the reviews, it seriously made my week, and I worked my butt off to get this chapter finished for you, it's not as long as the last one, but it's something = ) OK, now before you all start screaming at me, just know that I have a bigger plan, and I promise we will have a happy ending, there just needs to be some angst along the way. So please stick with me, and please please please keep up the reviews! I love hearing your thoughts! See you soon!