Breakdown

Chapter 20: Reassured

The stage was lit up brightly, illuminating them in multi-coloured lights. They each held a microphone in one of their hands. And the crowd...the crowd was massive, far bigger than any of them had imagined it would be.

For Kendall, Logan, and Carlos, this was the moment they'd been waiting so long for. The first performance on their very own tour. It was even more exciting than the concert. It was bigger, better.

And then there was James. He knew he should be as excited as his friends, maybe even more excited. But instead, his entire body felt heavy with dread. Something was going to go wrong. He could feel it.

But he had no time to dwell on this feeling of foreboding. The music was starting up. James instantly panicked. What were the dance moves?

He followed the other guys, copying their movements, but when they began to each perform different steps, James quickly made the decisions to follow just Kendall.

His friends were giving him strange looks when they had the chance. He knew they knew he didn't know the moves. And, suddenly, he didn't know the song. He didn't even know which one they were singing; how was he supposed to know the words and when to come in?

There was a big gap of just instrumental, and James knew he had messed up big time. This was it, the tour was canceled, Big Time Rush was over.

'No,' James whispered to himself.

The crowd was beginning to jeer. At him. James felt sick to his stomach. His head was spinning. This wasn't supposed to happen. How could he let this happen?

'No...'

His legs went numb. And then James felt himself falling. He managed to keep his eyes open long enough to see his friends tilting wildly as they rushed toward him. The boos of the crowd were deafening.

"James?" he heard.

Everything went black.

"James? James, wake up!"

"James, wake up!"

Something smashed him over the head.

James shot up and was smashed in the head again.

"Ugh!" he cried out, grabbing at his throbbing temple. He sent a glare to whoever it was that had done the smashing. Predictably, Carlos was sitting in the middle of James' bed, grinning stupidly down at the brunette, and sitting on his legs, which were asleep.

James eyed the pillow in his smaller friend's hand and the helmet perched on his head. "Carlos..." James growled, still rubbing his injured head.

"Sorry, man," Carlos apologized, smiling and not looking very pitying. "But I think you were having another bad dream. You kept saying 'No, no, no' and then your breathing went funny so I figured I should wake you."

James let out a loud sigh and flopped back against his pillows. "Yeah, I'm just...not feeling so good about the tour."

"Still?"

James nodded.

"Hey man, no matter what happens, just be glad that we're even getting the chance to go."

James rolled his eyes. "Is it possible for you to be pessimistic, just once?"

Carlos frowned at his friend's question. It made no sense to him. "Why would I wanna do that?"

James just sighed and rolled over onto his side, even though he knew he wouldn't be going back to sleep. "Never mind," he mumbled into his pillow.

"Well, I hope you start feeling better about it, 'cause it's tomorrow."

James groaned. "Don't remind me."

Carlos sighed. "Look, James, nothing is going to go wrong. And I don't know what else to say to make you believe that, so instead I'll tell you to get your lazy butt out of bed. It's ten."

James just buried his head under his pillow and groaned again. Normally, the hour would have him flying out of bed and into the bathroom to begin his daily hair care routine, but right now he was too exhausted. Besides, he didn't have anywhere to be. He hadn't planned a date with any girl from the Palm Woods since before the concert, and they didn't have to be at the studio till later. They were leaving in the evening and driving through the night to Chicago for their first city. The Chicago concert was at night, so they would have all day to set up.

Long story short, it meant that James didn't have to get up right then, which was perfectly fine by him. He was still super tired.

"James? Did you hear me? I said it's ten. A.m. As in, wake up now if you want to be able to do your precious hair before six tonight."

James reached out a hand blindly, still hidden beneath his blankets, and pushed at Carlos. "Go 'way, Carlos."

James felt the pressure on his legs disappear, and he kicked them, trying to get feeling back. Suddenly the bed was rocking violently beneath him.

James' eyes shot open and he tossed the pillow from his head to the floor. He found himself glaring at Carlos, who was shaking the mattress.

James scowled. "Carlos!"

Carlos giggled childishly. "Pleeeaseee wake up."

James breathed deeply, trying to stay in control. "Why?"

"Because you have to take your medicine and I don't want you to be sad all day."

Instantly all of James' anger was vanished. It hurt him to hear Carlos say that, but looking into his friend's eyes, James saw that the helmet-clad boy didn't seem too bothered by it. It made it seem to James that Carlos had already gotten used to the fact that James was bipolar. Simple as that. Now why couldn't he just accept it for waht it was? It was never going to go away.

James slowly sat up, the tingling sensation in his legs very uncomfortable. He looked at Carlos, troubled hazel eyes meeting warm brown ones. He didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent and climbed out of bed, limping awkwardly with Carlos to the kitchen.

'You have to take your medicine and I don't want you to be sad all day.'

The words had sounded too casual coming from Carlos' mouth, and it only made it that much clearer to James that this was something he was going to have to live with forever.

"Morning, James," four voices chorused as he and Carlos entered the kitchen. There was one "Good morning, sweetie."

Kendall grinned at him. "Hey, man. Excited yet or what?"

James shrugged, averting his eyes to the floor. "Or what," he muttered under his breath, earning concerned frowns from everyone else.

Feeling returned to James' legs as he collapsed into a seat between Logan and Kendall. He felt a hand on his back, but he didn't bother looking up to see who it was.

"You okay?" came Logan's worried voice.

James nodded in response and rested his head on the table.

"Want some breakfast?" Brooke asked her son. "You look like you could use the energy."

Unsurprisingly, James shook his head. Nobody had really expected him to say yes, anyway.

"You've hardly eaten all week," Brooke said, and James could hear the pout in her voice. "You need to eat something, sweetie."

James sighed and lifted his head. He grabbed a random bowl from the table that someone had probably already used, unable to care less, and dumped a tiny amount of cereal into it. He didn't even bother pouring any milk. He forced one spoonful into his mouth and swallowed. He glanced up at his mother. "Happy?"

Brooke sighed. "Fine, you don't have to eat right now, but you will have something before you leave. And here." She placed a tablet of Lamotrigine on the table in front of James. He looked at it and sighed, but popped it into his mouth and swallowed without a drink.

"I'm gonna go have a shower," he mumbled, and left the kitchen.

Six pairs of eyes followed him until he disappeared around the corner. The kitchen suddenly fell silent. Everyone who remained glanced around, sharing uncomfortable looks and shifting restlessly in their seats.

"I...I'm worried about him," Logan said, at last breaking the thick silence.

"Me too," Kendall quipped.

Carlos nodded. "So am I. He's still been having nightmares about the tour. He won't talk about them, though."

Logan pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes and sighed. "He's over-thinking all the things that could go wrong, even though he's being doing fine at the studio. He's really psyching himself out."

Kendall and Carlos nodded. They saw it, too.

Brooke sighed. "I'll talk to him when he gets out of the shower."

"No offense, Mrs. Diamond, but you're not going to be there on the tour." Carlos dropped his pop tart onto his plate and Logan began to choke on his orange juice. "Juice up my nose," he gasped.

Once they'd recovered, they stared incredulously at Kendall. Was he really standing up to Brooke Diamond...again? Carlos suddenly felt the utmost respect for Kendall. He sure was bold. Logan just felt like his blonde friend was an idiot.

Brooke seemed to agree with Logan over Carlos. "What does that have to do with anything?" she demanded, keeping her intimidatingly intense gaze steady on Kendall.

Kendall refuse to be rattled. He just smirked. "I'm saying, we're-" he motioned to Carlos, Logan, and himself. "Going to talk to him. We're the only ones who know what it feels like to be up there performing. He needs us to help him through this. Not you."

Mrs. Knight had turned considerably pale during her son's tirade. "Kendall! Do you not know what respecting your elders means?"

Brooke looked sharply at Jennifer. "Excuse me? His elders?"

Jennifer Knight looked confused at the fellow mother's outburst.

"Well, you are older than Kendall," Logan chirped.

Brooke turned to glare daggers at him, and now Logan paled and shrunk down in his seat. His voice raised an octave. "But n-not by much."

"As if you boys could guess my age. I'm the CEO of a successful cosmetics company, remember? I use my products, and they work. They take years off." Brooke turned to Mrs. Knight again. "You should try my line out sometimes. Maybe we can get you looking your actual age."

Jennifer's jaw dropped for a moment before a storm slowly settled deep in her eyes. "Kendall, honey? Forget what I said about respecting your elders."

Kendall smirked and nodded. "Got it, Mom."

"Unless it's me!"

"Please, Jennifer, your children couldn't learn manners if they read them from a step-by-step guide."

"Whoa! Uncalled for!"

"C'mon, guys, lets just all think about cute, cuddly kittens."

"My children are perfect, Brooke! So is yours! You're just too busy caring about your own life to see that!"

"Who are you to give me 'motherly' advice?"

"Seriously, everyone, shut up and CALM DOWN!"

But it was too late for that. Everybody was screaming at each other across the table. Everybody except Katie, that was. She had her big brown eyes fixated on something outside the bathroom door. James stood there, watching with eyes that, even from this distance, Katie could see the tremendous pain in. They met her own for a brief second, and then James was gone, disappearing into the bathroom and closing the door quietly, not wanting to draw anyone else's attention to the fact that he had heard the whole thing.

Seeing James turn away like that broke Katie's heart. She'd had enough. She stood up on her chair so that she was taller than everyone else and shouted. "SHUT UPPP!"

Just like that, the table became silent. All eyes were on Katie and she remained perched on the chair, hands placed on her hips in an angry fashion, her face hiding no disgust.

"Are you people listening to yourselves? You're screaming and fighting over an issue that can and should be dealt with in a much different matter. And if you can't figure out how, then you're all really are just as stupid as you're acting right now."

The others seated around the table all lowered their eyes in shame. She was right. They all knew Katie was very smart and mature for her age, but she was never this serious. They knew they had messed up. Big time.

"Alright! Are you dogs ready to ROCK CHICAGO and put BTR back on the map?"

Logan, Carlos, and Kendall cheered, fist pumping. Wide, excited grins spread across their faces. Meanwhile, James slouched down low in his seat and tried to block everything out. He felt confused. He'd literally yelled at and begged and disrespected his mother to get her to allow him to go on the tour, and now here he was, all packed up and ready to hit the road with his best friends and band mates, but he didn't feel...ready.

James felt the tour bus lurch to life, and now his fate was sealed. There was no running back into the Palm Woods wailing like a baby. He was doing this.

James could feel someone's eyes on him, but he ignored it. Deep breaths, he instructed himself. You've done this before...sort of. It's like the concert. Only six of them.

Somehow, that thought didn't offer James much assurance.

Logan took a seat next to James while Carlos and Kendall checked out the tour bus. It was so exciting, having their very own tour bus! And it was so big!

But James didn't care about that. All he cared about was not freaking out before the tour even officially began!

And since James didn't care about the finesse of the bus, Logan didn't, either. What he cared about was James, who, unknown to Logan, was now thinking about what had transpired at breakfast when nobody knew he was listening. Besides Katie, that was.

They'd all been fighting, over silly little things like cosmetics and kittens, but then there had been his mother's comment about Kendall and Katie being uncontrollably impolite. James remembered the way Katie had looked right at him, had to have seen the unmasked pain and guilt on his face. Then he'd gone on with the rest of his day as if nothing had happened. They all had.

But they were stupid if they thought James didn't notice the tension in the air the rest of the afternoon, so thick you could cut it like rope. Not a word had been spoken though.

Shortly after, Brooke had left. She would've went to at least one of the tour cities, she'd said, but she was going to be swamped at her work when she got back. James honestly didn't care that much.

And now here he was, sitting with his best friends in the whole world, on their very own tour bus, heading to Chicago. It should have been the best bus ride of his life. The best moment of his life so far. But instead, he was sitting there trying not to completely freak out. It wasn't just the tension that he could still feel, either. It was the dreams. No, the nightmares that had been plaguing him for every night the past week. The horrifying visions of him forgetting the words and passing out on stage. It had been the same dream every night, and now, of course, James couldn't shake the unspeakable fear that it was going to become reality.

"So you're not listening to me."

James blinked in surprise and turned his head toward Logan. "What?"

Logan smirked a bit. "I just told you that I forgot to grab your lucky comb when you asked me to before we left. Sorry, man."

James' eyes widened impossibly. "WHAT? Logan, how could you forget to grab my LUCKY COMB?"

James was appalled when Logan started laughing. Laughing! He'd expected Logan to shrink back, maybe bolt to the other end of the bus and hide behind Kendall, but laugh?

"Logan, this isn't funny! This is a serious crisis! We have to go back!"

"Relax, James," Logan chortled. He held something small and black out to James. "It's right here."

James shrieked and snagged the prized comb from Logan's outstretched hand. "Logan, what the hell?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But wow, that's not the reaction I got the first time I said it. You really weren't listening to me."

James scowled. "That was still mean."

Logan sighed. "Right, well, at least now I know something's on your mind. So what's up?"

James shook his head, absentmindedly running the fine teeth of his comb through his soft hair. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"James, I'm your best friend. I know when something's bothering you. So tell me what it is. Maybe I can help."

James stayed quiet for a moment as he considered just telling Logan the truth. It wasn't a big deal, right? Didn't they all get nervous? As a matter of fact, James recalled being the least nervous right before the concert. So why couldn't he just admit that he was now? It wasn't like his friends were going to make fun of him, especially not Logan.

But James just shook his head slowly again as he spoke. "Really, Logan. I guess I'm just tired. But I'm not distracted or anything."

"I never said you were."

"Well, you think I am."

"No I don't."

"Really? I'm that good at hiding- I mean, you-you-I...what?"

Logan raised an eyebrow at his stuttering friend. "I got you now. So what is it that you're trying unsuccessfully to hide?"

James groaned and hid his face in his hands. "Like you don't know. I heard Carlos telling you about the dreams."

James felt a gentle hand on his back, and he looked up to see Logan's warm brown eyes peering concernedly into his. "So that's what this is about? You're not excited because you think something is going to go wrong?"

James nodded pathetically.

"Oh, James. A dream means nothing. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that dreams often depict the opposite of what is going to happen. Like if a person dreams of a death, then the person who died will have a baby."

"What if a dude dies?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Most of the time. In this case, your nerves are causing your unconscious mind to conjure up the idea that something's gonna go wrong at the tour, when really, it'll probably go perfectly."

"What's the opposite of fainting on stage? Waking up on stage? That makes me feel loads better. Why would I be waking up on stage?"

Logan sighed deeply. "Look, James, I don't know what to tell you. I can see you're not going to let yourself be reassured, so if you don't mind, I'm going to go check out the rest of the bus with more positive thinkers."

James felt tears prick at his eyes as Logan got up to leave, but he blinked them back hastily Don't be a baby, he scolded himself.

Before he knew it, he had blurted out "I heard everything this morning. All of it."

Logan stopped dead in his tracks. With his back to James, the pretty boy couldn't see him lower his eyes in shame. How careless could they get, letting James hear them like that? Stupid!

Logan slowly turned around. "James, she didn't mean-"

"I made a mess of everything. My own other won't even come watch me on my first tour. And what M-Mrs. Knight said...my mom's too busy with her own life to care about me. Logan, why? God, why do I have to be such a screw-up?"

Logan dropped to the seat next to James. He instantly had his arms wrapped tightly around his crying friend. "Shh, James, it's okay. Don't cry. You know we're here for you, always. Me, Kendall, Carlos. Mrs. Knight, even Katie. And your mom, James, you guys will work things out. She doesn't think you're a failure. And remember, none of this is your fault. None of it. I don't why this happened to you, but it will get better. Okay? Just trust me. Look how far we've come already. We're on tour, James. This is indescribable. So don't think for a second that things are downhill from here. Because we have so much more awaiting us."

James' sobs slowed and quieted as he took in what Logan was saying. Of course he was right. Logan was always right.

James lifted his head from Logan's now damp shoulder. Man, his friends really meant the world to him. They always made everything better, no matter what. It was more than James could ask for. "Thanks, Logan," he whispered.

Logan only nodded. It was enough.

James wiped the tears from his face just in time. Kendall and Carlos came barreling back to the main part of the bus. "You guys have got to check this out!" Carlos exclaimed. He was flushed with excitement. Even Kendall looked impressed.

"Seriously, this thing is pretty awesome." Kendall hit the side of the bus, as if for emphasis, and Carlos yanked Logan and James to their feet. They laughed as Carlos dragged them along, showing off to them all the sweet, modern features of the bus like the swing out TV's over all their beds. Logan and James had to admit, it was pretty cool. And it was all theirs.

By the time they had finished scouring the bus for anything that could potentially reward them with great fun, James had forgotten all about his mother and the dreams...until he went to sleep that night.

Well. It took ridiculously long to get that out. Many apologies!

So, what d'ya guys think? Is James' nightmare gonna come true? We'll see next chapter...

Review sound good? I think so.