Her words are firm and her eyes are stern but her heart is pure. She casually looks around at my belongings, her eyes pouring over every gun I own and each bit of the life support area. I don't say anything until she approaches me. She looks at me and sits down across the small table, her bright green eyes glowing radiantly in the ship's artificial light. I hadn't been this close to a woman in a while. I could see all of the little aspects of her skin, the expression in her eyes, the little ways her mouth contorts when she speaks. I could see the glow of her hair in the light and the way it shined.
I hadn't been this close to anyone in quite a long time, literally and figuratively.
Shepard had gathered together a team that she was certain could make it through the Omega 4 Relay. The only problem was that they couldn't get through the Omega 4 Relay yet. Shepard had decided that while the Illusive Man was finding a solution, she would satisfy the requests of her crew members. She would go to Illium and find Miranda's sister, blow up Pragia, attend that fancy dinner party Kasumi wanted her to, etc, etc.
Thane still hadn't asked her for anything yet even though the two had been growing closer.
She visited him again after a mission. They had just gone to Tuchanka and done the rite for Grunt. Shepard had said that mission should be prioritized because she didn't need an even more crazy, bloodthirsty Krogan on her ship.
She asks about the Drell perfect memory. The idea of it fascinates her – to remember every moment so clearly sounds terrifying to her. She doesn't want to remember everything because there are some things in her life she think that should be forgotten. She can't imagine how he could live with so many memories.
The Commander is an idealist. She believes that Thane is just as responsible for the deaths of the people he assassinated. He disagrees, but understands what she is saying.
Laser dot trembles on the skull. The smell of spice on the spring wind. Sunset-colored eyes defiant in the scope.
I can't tell her. Not yet. Not now.
She is curious about that memory, but Thane barely mentions anything about it – just letting her know it wasn't an assassination per se, but a bystander. The Commander gets up, but he stops her to thank her for coming to see him so often to chat.
I hadn't been this close to anyone in quite a long time, literally and figuratively. I hadn't had any sort of friend in ten years. She looks at me and cocks her head to the side lightly, "You've spent a lot of your life alone, Thane."
The words reverberate in my mind. She is perceptive. She is beautiful. She is deadly. I am alone, but not when I'm with her. I thank her for being my friend.
Shepard wants more than to be just friends. She doesn't know exactly what she wants from Thane, but she knows it's something else. She wants to be with him in some shape or form but can't articulate it, "Just a friend? Well, it's a start."
Intriguing. The thought of being with Shepard plays out in my head. I am dying. Shepard is a survivor. She had died once and came back. The thought of being with her and then being forced to leave her behind saddens me, but I can't help myself from being intrigued.
The Commander is torn in two. On one hand, she wants to pursue something with Thane but she thinks about Kaidan and wants to be with him too. On the other hand, Kaidan had rejected her when she needed him most. She wanted him but he couldn't stand by her side. She had a feeling that no matter what she did, Thane would stand by her.
She took the elevator down to her personal cabin. She hadn't slept in a while and needed to relax a bit. The Elevator door opened and she walked forward, admiring her cabin as she walked to her message terminal to check her messages before she went to bed.
And there she saw it. A message from Kaidan. Her heart beat faster and faster and she didn't know what to do or what it would say. Taking a deep breath, she opened the message and turned her head away before looking at it.
Shepard,I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?
He had been moving on. Shepard wasn't surprised. Two years was a long time. Two years was a long time to be alone.
Ten years was longer though. The thought of Thane having been a lone for that much time creeped into her head and she immediately wanted to see the Drell and talk to him again.
Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.
"I guess I don't know who either of us is anymore?" Shepard said aloud. That was somewhat insulting. She may have died and been brought back to life but she was still the same person. He just couldn't realize it. He just didn't want to realize it.
That night had meant the world to her too and she would have put things aside to be with him again. Key word: Had. Now she wasn't so sure. The only thing she would have never given up was her fight against the collectors, but that was a make or break thing, huh?
But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.
She sighed. The letter rang hollow to her. Kaidan telling her to watch herself didn't make her feel any better. She would have felt better if was with her to watch her back. Kaidan was an alliance soldier through and through, though. He couldn't abandon the alliance. Shepard knew this, but didn't want to admit it.
When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.-Kaidan
Maybe. She didn't know either. She didn't know what to make of anything anymore. Part of her wanted Thane. Part of her wanted Kaidan. All of her wanted to defeat the reapers. Every single goddamn speck of her wanted to save the galaxy.
She stared at the message, closing out of it but unable to delete it from her messages folder. She looked at the picture of Kaidan on her desk, running over the picture of his face gently with her fingertips. She looked away and walked over to her bed, setting an alarm to wake her up in a few hours.
The Commander felt vulnerable for once and was thankful no one was around to see her in that kind of state. She cursed herself. She had taken down countless criminals and monsters and shot so many things but when it came to men and the people she wanted to protect, she was a mess. She had lost so many people in her life and wanted to protect all those she could.
Losing even one person, phsycially, emotionally or mentally made her a wreck.
She just never let it show.
A/N: Next chapter should be the collector ship and also Thane's loyalty mission. I wanted some Kaidan along with Thane in this chapter so included the letter. I'll try and update soon because man I have a lot of stuff planned for this fic so yeah. I have no idea how many chapters it will be but I'm taking it slow but steady and hope you enjoyed. :)