Chapter 4: Handle With Care

Castle and Beckett met in a post office four years prior to this chapter, while Beckett was sending a care package to Josh and Castle was sending one to Alexis.

Lucy squeals and squirms in Kate's lap, ducking her head as she tries once more to slip the velvet red dress over her daughter's head. She lets out another whine and buries her face in Kate's chest, eluding the fabric yet again.

Her kid is driving her crazy this week.

"Come on, baby," she coaxes, smoothing back the copper curls of Lucy's hair, attempting to soothe both herself and the fussy two year old. "I thought you were excited to wear the dress Grandma got you."

"No dress!" Lucy argues, pushing away from Kate, scrambling off of her mother's lap and through the open doorway of her bedroom. Kate gives up, dropping the dress to the mattress and letting their daughter run from the room, probably to find her daddy. The fun parent.

Lucy has been testing her lately, behaving better for Castle and fighting her mother on every little thing. Kate has the patience for it, but she won't deny that it hurts, feeling alienated and unwanted by her own child.

She could really go for one of Castle's parental pep talks right about now, but her husband is busy preparing the perfect Christmas Eve for the rest of their family to arrive to. A feast for dinner, a slew of decorations that he never stops adding to, an endless stack of presents crammed under the tree. It's too hectic for her today, too much pressure, and for the first year since she found him in a post office, fell in love with the writer who gave her a life she better than she could have hoped for, she almost wishes she had to work.

Kate sits back against their daughter's slim headboard and buries her face in her hands. That's not fair, not to Castle or to Lucy, not even fair to herself. She's just so tired, has been so achingly tired throughout the last few days. Her increased workload at the precinct due to the holidays, the stress of Lucy embracing her terrible twos, and the symptoms of an oncoming cold that have been plaguing her for the past week, stealing her appetite and causing her to heave up anything she does eat, have drained every last ounce of energy from her. She just wants to curl up in bed with her husband and forget everything else.

"Kate?" Castle is standing in the doorway when she lifts her head, a touch of worry leaking into the lines around his eyes. "Hey," he murmurs, his voice soft and warm and patient despite the fact that she knows he's working to prepare dinner downstairs while she was supposed to be getting Lucy ready. "You okay? Has our child pushed you to the edge?"

The tight knot in her chest, her throat, eases. Maybe she just needs a minute with him, to remember why it's all worth it, to calm her mind and heart and-

But Lucy scampers into the room before she can answer, pacifier in her mouth, and Kate presses her fingertips to the building headache between her brows.

"Rick, we're supposed to be weaning her off of that."

He glances down to the little girl leaning into his side, smiling up at him with the pacifier between her teeth.

Castle winces. "I'm sorry, I was trying to finish the pie and she was fussing, so I just-"

"I know," Kate huffs, swinging her legs over the edge of Lucy's bed and rising to her feet. "That's why she goes to you. The one who gives her what she wants."

"Kate," he tries, but she ignores him, descending to their haunches in front of their daughter. "Here, I'll-"

"No, just - go back to your baking. I'll handle it," she sighs, taking a deep breath and reaching for Lucy with a smile she knows is weak, not fooling anyone. Including their little girl. "Hey, sweetheart, let's get you dressed."

But their daughter turns away from her, hiding her face in Castle's knees, cracking Kate's heart just a little more.

"Luc-"

"Want Daddy," she mumbles into Castle's pant leg, whining when Kate touches her waist, tries to regain her attention.

Kate swallows and straightens, ignoring the ache of rejection in her chest from her own kid. Of course, Castle understands, understands it all because he's done all of this before. He's been the perfect father to Alexis, to Lucy, and she - shit, by the looks of it, she's no better than his first ex-wife at mothering.

That particular thought stings especially bad.

"Kate," he murmurs again, already tracking her train of thought, she's sure. But no, he doesn't get it, can't possibly understand what this feels like.

"I'm just - I'm gonna go get ready. Let me know if there's anything I can do," she mutters, brushing past him for the hallway, leaving father and daughter alone.

"Beckett, it's Christmas," he calls after her, scooping Lucy up from his side and following her down the hall towards their room. "You can't be upset on Christmas."

She spins on her heel, nearly bumps into the two of them right behind her.

"I'm not upset. It's just a stupid holiday and it's - this is too much," she gets out, instantly hating herself for it, for the hurt immediately seeping through his features.

"You always said you love Christmases with me," he murmurs, smoothing a hand down Lucy's back as she begins to whine, feeding off of all the negative energy Kate is responsible for.

She already regrets saying it, taking out her frustrations on him on his favorite holiday, so much so that she feels sick, physically sick. Kate purses her lips; she needs to get away from him before she throws up on him.

"I, um, the pie is in the oven. The timer is automatic, so it'll shut off and cool on its own. I'm going to take Lucy out for a few minutes, might help with the crankiness," he explains, but he won't look at her.

"Rick," she whispers, but he shakes his head, leaning in to press a quick kiss to her forehead.

"Just take some space to think, Kate," he murmurs before he pulls away, disappearing down the stairs with their daughter watching her from over his shoulder.

She wants to go after him, but her throat burns with acid, panic clawing at her chest. She turns back for their bedroom instead, rushing for the en suite before she loses the pancakes he made for breakfast all over the floor.

Kate drops to her knees in front of the toilet, scraping her hair back as she wretches, choking on sobs as she hears the front door lock downstairs.

God, what is wrong with her?

Her insides reach a truce and she carefully sits back on her heels, the back of her hand pressed to her mouth while her spine seals to the cold tile of the wall. She closes her eyes, but sees the wounded look on his face, the disappointment, behind her lids.

She does love Christmases with him, more than she thought she ever could. He taught her that the holidays didn't have to be so heavily tainted with grief, he showed her that they could still be beautiful, that she could even love them again after resenting them for so long.

Kate drops her head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling while she does her best to take a deep breath, in and out. It'll be okay. She regrets what she said, how she acted, but she can fix it. They'll be okay. So why does she feel so sick inside?

They've had petty arguments before, fought over stupid things, and it always stings a little, but never once has it left her questioning the strength of them. And she isn't now.

But her stomach won't stop rolling, waves of acid licking at her chest, heaving up to her throat. She blames it on a brewing cold, but the symptoms almost remind her of when she was-

Kate's eyes go wide.

No.

The bathroom is already a mess, neglected over these past few days by the two of them, and she worsens the disaster by tearing the place apart in search of a pregnancy test.

Her heart pounds the entire time, ready to beat out of her chest by the time she finds two boxes, two different brands, and grabs one of each. She counts the full five minutes in her head, attempting to calm the panic attack building in her chest throughout the endless murmur of seconds leaving her lips. She can't have another baby, not now. They've talked about having more kids, but not so soon. Not when she can't even handle one.

But Kate doesn't need a pregnancy test to confirm what she can already feel to be true.

She checks both of the tests nonetheless and bites back the tears in her throat at the matching positive signs.

When she ventures downstairs, the tears on her cheeks dry, her panic passed, she's relieved to find that Castle and Lucy aren't back yet. She has no idea what they're going to do, but she needs more time to gather herself, to take Castle's advice for their fussy daughter and get some fresh air.

Kate grabs her coat from the closet near the door and pulls on a warm pair of boots.

She won't be long, has to be back for Christmas Eve dinner with her dad, Martha, Alexis, and Alexis's fiance (which Castle still needs frequent comforting over), but for now, she sucks in a lungful of the cold, lets the snow tangle in her hair, and walks without thinking. It leads her a few blocks uptown, the opposite direction she assumes her husband and daughter took.

She isn't paying attention to where she's going until she looks up, only minutes away from the Twelfth and standing in front of a post office.

Their post office.

She's never been hit with memories, good memories, so fast. But she can recall the drizzle of rain, the rush she was in to mail that care package to Haiti, the bright sound of his voice with striking clarity. The way her heart quickened when she looked up to find Richard Castle staring back at her.

Her lips quirk.

The line she drew between them was pointless from the start; they were always toeing it, erasing it that first time he invited her to the Hamptons with a first kiss in the ocean. She remembers the repercussions, the first dates and first times, falling so hopelessly in love with him that it made her more hopeful than she's ever been.

She remembers taking a bullet in his loft, going back to the beach house to heal from it with Castle keeping her sane, making her smile even when she was in utter agony. He was always with her through the best and the worst, changing her life in ways that she never could have fathomed, whether it be uncovering a cassette tape he found in her mother's elephants, putting away William Bracken with him at her side, or surprising her with a marriage proposal scribbled in a book written for her.

The first time she found out she was pregnant and how overwhelmed he was with joy, the last two years raising Lucy…

It all started here. And she was beginning to take it for granted.

Kate takes a determined step forward, towards the post office, but collides with another body before she can cross the street.

Large hands catch her by the shoulders, righting them both, and Kate glances up, feel her breath catch with surprise.

"Josh," she murmurs, blinking once before stepping back. He looks the same, but different - still a giant mass of a man, but his hair is shorter, the messy mane of dark hair shaved, and a thick beard consumes his chin, and he looks happier. A lot happier.

"Kate," her ex-boyfriend smiles. "Wow, it's been a long time. How are you?"

"I'm - good, really good," she admits, feeling her own smile curl at her lips. Because she is, and she'll be even better once she talks to Castle later. "What about you? Still saving the world?"

"Oh yeah," he grins, shoving his hands into his coat pockets and rocking back on his heels. "I'm busier than ever with Doctors Without Borders, but I'm actually here for Christmas this year. I was just mailing a care package to my girl in Indonesia." His gaze flickers to her exposed left hand, the ring she wears proudly. She doesn't doubt he already knows who gave it to her. "What are you doing out here on Christmas Eve? Don't tell me the writer is away on a book tour at this time and you gotta mail him a package too?"

Kate shakes her head. "No, Rick is back at home with our daughter. I just had to run out for a few errands."

"A daughter?" His smile softens. "That's great, Kate. I'm really happy for you. For you and Rick both. You mind telling him that for me? I still kinda bad for… well, you know."

"Punching my husband in the face?" she fills in, curving an eyebrow at him, amused by the flush of red to Josh's cheeks. From what she remembers, he wasn't very easy to embarrass.

"Yeah, that."

"It was years ago, Josh. And from what he's told me, Castle forgave you for it," she smirks, but her ex only shrugs.

"Yeah, but an apology in the middle of the hospital while you were dying never felt like the most sincere."

Her heart stutters a little at that, hates imagining Rick's time stuck in the hospital after she was shot in his home, waiting while she was in surgery. But Kate nods, mimicking his position and pushing her frigid fingers into her coat pockets.

"I'll let him know."

"Thanks. Well, I better go. I gotta take the train to Jersey to see my mom," he grins, patting her on the arm. "It was good seeing you, Kate. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," Kate murmurs as Josh brushes past her, disappearing into the crowd of Christmas crazed pedestrians.

She never imagined what it would be like to run into him again, especially after managing to avoid any kind of reunion since the day in her apartment doorway, when he accused her of cheating and punched Castle in the jaw for being a co-conspirator. She figured she would always hate him for that, but seeing him again now… it only served as the extra reminder that she needed today.

She might not have ever met Rick if she didn't come to this post office to mail a package to Josh nearly four years ago. She might have missed out on the beautiful life she has with the man who's probably back at the loft with their daughter right now, preparing a Christmas dinner with his heart scorned because of her.

Kate swallows and glances back to the post office across the street.

She can do more than fix this. She can turn it into something wonderful, something worth celebrating on Christmas Eve.

By the time Kate makes it back to the loft, her lungs are burning from the rush of her walk home, the sharp inhales of cold air. She jogs up the three steps that lead to their front door, grateful to find he left it unlocked. He and Lucy are back.

Kate pushes inside, striding through the foyer until she finds him in the kitchen, surrounded by a pair of redheads and Shawn, Alexis's fiancé, who all apparently arrived early. Her heart sinks a little.

"So, no cranberry sauce after all?" Castle forces a smile, covering for her.

Kate sighs, sweet man.

"No, all out," she murmurs, catching his gaze and receiving a soft twitch of his lips in response. He's already forgiven her, she can see that, but she wants more than a pass for her behavior earlier.

"Oh, Katherine, darling," Martha beams, abandoning Castle's side and the wine bottle on the counter to greet Kate with open arms. "Thank goodness you're here. It's been ages since I last saw you."

Kate accepts Martha's embrace with a smile, allowing the matriarch to envelope her in one of her firm hugs that always manages to wrap Kate in the kind of warmth only a mother can provide.

"Hey Martha," she chuckles, returning her embrace with a squeeze. "How has the broadway tour been?"

"Marvelous," Martha answers with relish, pulling back from Kate to cup her face in her hands before letting go. "I'll regale you all with my best stories over dinner."

"We can't wait," Castle deadpans, earning a nudge of reprimand from Alexis, but his eyes are meeting hers over his mother's head. They really need to talk, if only for a moment.

"Merry Christmas, Kate," Alexis adds with a grin, shifting past Castle to check the ham in the oven, already making herself at home in the kitchen. His daughter is no stranger to their place, seeking refuge here throughout most of her college years when dorm life became too much of a hassle.

"Merry Christmas, Captain," Shawn greets, stepping up to shake Kate's hand, even as Castle glares from across the island.

"Thanks, Andrews," she murmurs, shooting Castle a look. It was her own fault that Alexis met him last year, stopping by the precinct for Kate and running into the assistant DA who happened to be on the homicide floor at the same time.

"Darling, don't be so formal," Martha teases, patting Shawn on the shoulder. But it's the other man's first Christmas with them, with the Castles, and Kate doesn't blame him for the nerves she can feel radiating through Shawn's brief handshake.

"Where's Lucy?" Kate asks, earning the shuffle of Castle's body towards her.

"Napping. We walked around outside for a few minutes, wore her out. Thankfully," he adds with a sigh.

"Ah, the terrible twos," Martha quips, sauntering past them for the living room. "She must have inherited them from Richard."

"Excuse me?" he huffs while Alexis snickers from behind

"Well, I'm more inclined to assume that Katherine was a little angel," she murmurs with an indulgent smile as she descends to the sofa, wine glass rising to her lips. "You were quite the opposite at that age."

"Mother," he huffs, but Kate snags his fingers, his attention.

"Babe, can you come check on Lucy with me?"

His throat bobs and he glances back to his daughter, still busy with food prep and Shawn making her smile. "Yeah, yeah, of course." He redirects his eyes to his mother, already watching them. "We'll be right back."

"Take your time, darlings," Martha waves them off. "I'll keep an eye on the door for Jim, as well as the lovebirds."

"Thank you, Mother," Castle mutters as he walks to the stairs with Kate.

She keeps their fingers in a knot until they reach the top floor, using her grip to tug him into their room. He follows reluctantly, easing the door shut with a silent click.

"Kate, I know we have to talk, but maybe we should wait until-"

She bands her arms around his neck, causing his words to fall silent against her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, pressing her apology to his cheek. "I'm so sorry about earlier, about everything."

Castle's hands hesitate for only a moment before they slide beneath the coat still draped over her shoulders, soothing up and down her back. Comforting her.

"Kate," he breathes when he feels her face crumpling, lips trembling against his jaw. He turns his head, their noses clashing, foreheads knocking together. "Hey, love, it's okay. It was a rough morning, it happens-"

"I do love Christmases with you," she murmurs, doing her best to blink away the moisture filling her eyes. She just fixed her makeup before she left and they have too many family members downstairs expecting a happy Christmas for her to cry anymore. "I never would have been able to enjoy it again if it weren't for you. For Lucy."

"I know, I know," he soothes, but she shakes her head.

"I was being a bitch earlier-"

"You were being a stressed out mother dealing with an occasionally bratty kid and a sometimes overbearing husband," he corrects, but Kate huffs, draws one of her hands back to cradle his cheek.

"You're not overbearing," she mutters, grazing her nose along his. "You were trying to make Christmas as special as possible, like you do every year."

"I try," he shrugs, running his knuckles along her spine. "But, Kate, really, if it's ever too much-"

"No," she murmurs, using the tips of her fingers at his jaw to hold him steady as she brushes a kiss to his mouth. He sighs against her lips, a breath of relief in his kiss. "Not too much. It's perfect, Castle. Always has been."

"Momma." Kate pulls back from him to see their daughter standing in the doorway, the dress from earlier finally on, but the locks of her hair matted to the side of her face pressed with the creases of a pillow.

"Turns out it's easiest to dress her when she's passed out," Castle whispers into her ear and Kate laughs, smiles down at their daughter.

"Hey pretty girl, good nap?"

Lucy rubs her eyes and toddles over to them, colliding with Kate's legs.

"You know she adores you, right?" he murmurs while she bends to hoist her daughter into her arms. Lucy curls into her chest, snuggling her face against Kate's neck, as if reinforcing the statement.

"I got scared," Kate confesses, dusting her lips to the warm, baby soft skin of Lucy's forehead. "I want to be a good mom to her-"

"Kate," he whispers, incredulous, but she touches her thumb to his bottom lip.

"I know what you went through with Meredith, what Alexis went through-"

"Katherine Beckett," he growls, lowering his voice as their sleepy daughter shifts between them. "You are nothing like Meredith, or any other flighty, half-assed mother out there. You'd give everything for our kid, you already have."

Kate purses her lips, but Castle squeezes her hip.

"There's no one else I would ever want to do this with, that I'd ever trust enough or have so much faith in. Lucy's in a phase, the same one Alexis and pretty much every other child goes through, but it doesn't change the fact that we're doing a damn job raising her. Not me, us," he says with so much conviction, her heart is brimming with it. "You're an extraordinary woman, Kate. An amazing wife and an incredible mother. Don't you ever doubt that."

Kate cranes her neck to kiss him once more, his thumb swiping at the corner of her eye, catching any tears before they can fall.

"It's mutual, you know?" she whispers, swaying into him, cradling Lucy in her arms, against the encompassing warmth of Castle's chest. "There's no one else I'd rather be doing this with, anything with. I love you."

He smiles against her lips, lifts his chin just slightly to kiss her forehead.

"I love you too. Now, let's get back down there before my mother starts convincing everyone we're up here working on baby number two."

"Castle," she chokes, her heart skittering. But he's chuckling into her skin and leaning back, sweeping a quick kiss to the top of Lucy's head before he starts for the door.

"Oh, baby," she whispers, breathing the words against Lucy's temple. "I hope you and Daddy really are okay with a baby number two."

Lucy hums, her lashes fluttering at Kate's throat.

"You okay with a brother or sister?" she murmurs under her breath, following Castle out to the stairs.

"Bru-der," Lucy whispers, curling her fingers in the neck of Kate's sweater.

"No promises on that one," she chuckles, but for the first time today, excitement flickers in her chest, striking a surge of it through her sternum. She did tell him once that she hoped they would have a boy next.

Christmas Eve with their family lasts past nightfall, past Lucy's bedtime, and Kate forces herself to remain patient for another moment alone with him. Her dad left half an hour ago and Martha has just departed to the downstairs guest room, Alexis and Shawn were heading back home despite Castle's offer for them to stay for the night, and Kate is slipping out of Lucy's room after laying her down with soft promises of presents from Santa that will be waiting for her in the morning. Castle carried their daughter to bed with her, helped Kate tuck her in, but left prematurely to allow them a moment Kate didn't know she needed.

The smile of gratitude she gave him for the gesture wasn't nearly enough.

She finds him waiting for her downstairs by the Christmas tree, a mug of hot chocolate cradled to his chest. His gaze drifts from the tree as he hears her feet on the hardwood floor.

"Did she go down okay?" he asks and Kate nods, shuffling across the living room to sit beside him on the sofa.

"Out like a light, eager for Santa," she grins, curling into Castle's side when his arm laces around her shoulders. "Thank you, by the way."

"Nothing to thank me for," he murmurs, but Kate shakes her head, coasts her hand up his jaw to turn his face towards hers.

"Everything to thank you for."

"Kate-"

"I ran into Josh today." His eyebrows skyrocket. "I was walking - kinda taking your suggestion for Lucy, walking it off - and I ended up at our old post office."

"Our post office, huh?" he smirks, the tease glittering in his gaze.

"Yeah, where we met," she murmurs, even though he already knows exactly what she's talking about.

Castle hums, the corners of his mouth curling with a smile, but mischief still lingers in his gaze. "And where exactly does Doctor Motorcycle Boy fit into this equation?"

Kate rolls her eyes. "He was sending a care package to his girlfriend."

"Oh, irony," he chuckles and she huffs, squeezes his thigh.

"Anyway, aside from sending more belated apologies for punching you in the face-" Castle grunts and she tilts her head, skims her lips to the spot she memorized along his jaw, where her ex-boyfriend's fist once connected with. "Seeing Josh again, going back to where you and I began - it just cemented everything, reminded me how lucky I am that we found each other that day. How I shouldn't take it for granted."

"Kate," he murmurs, lowering his hot chocolate to sit between his thighs, replacing the cup in his palm with the bone of her cheek. "We already talked about that."

"Not everything I wanted to talk about," she admits, wrapping one of her hands at his wrist, stroking her thumb to the soft skin along the inside, where the steady thrum of his pulse lies.

He quirks an eyebrow at her.

"Meeting you at the post office, falling in love with you, that was just the start." The love blooms in his eyes, her favorite shade of blue, and blossoms to spread through the lines of his features - the beautiful curves around his mouth that speak to the prominent laughter that leaves his lips on a daily basis, the branches that grow from the corners of his eyes and crinkle with his smile. She could never grow tired of seeing it, never wants to stop eliciting that look.

"You're right," he nods. "But we're not even close to the end, Kate. I promise you that."

"Oh, I know we aren't," she murmurs, drawing his hand from her face, down to her stomach. He watches quizzically as she guides their tangled hands below her shirt, his brow falling into an almost comical furrow.

"What is that?" he chuckles, easing back just enough to lift the hem of her sweater, revealing the sticker she couldn't resist grabbing at the post office to plaster across her abdomen.

It's the size of his palm, white with large black letters and bright red lining:

Fragile. Handle With Care.

He understands instantly.

Castle's eyes jerk back to hers.

"Kate," he whispers, tentative hope in her name, and skims his thumb along the edge of the sticker. "Are you…"

She nods, grinning into the breathless kiss he surges forward to seal against her lips, his thumb still pressed to the sticker on her stomach. Their kiss falls apart around her smile and she watches as he pulls back once more, his gaze darting back to the packing sticker, all of her doubts erased by the wonder claiming every inch of his face.

No, their story isn't over. They're just moving onto a new chapter.

"Merry Christmas, Castle."