To the reviewer kammyQ – make like my front door and shut it! *gives you the middle finger* ^_^ Let's just say if you enjoy how your toilet flushes, keep your mouth closed! J/K! Thanks for the review, gurlie. *farts*
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Sex with you is like I'm dreaming
I just wanna hear you scream again
Now you're gone I can't believe it
Time I spent with you deceiving me
I don't care if you believe in me
I still wonder why you're leaving me
I don't care if you believe me
I still wonder why you tease me
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~A Romantic Date at Olive Garden~
Sakura looked down at her dish and wondered how many other people ate off the same plate before her. She wondered about their life story and all the events that led to this place, this particular plate. Did they feel the same way she felt right now, eating the same salad drizzled with vinaigrette dressing?
"Hmm," she hummed absentmindedly, poking a red tomato with her fork.
"What the actual fuck is on your mind, bitch?" Sasuke asked. He looked at her face and noticed her make-up looked like shit underneath the lighting they had in this fine establishment.
"Oh, nothing," Sakura sighed. "I was just wondering why Squidward never wore pants."
They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few moments. Sasuke didn't know what to say in response, so he popped the joints in his toes. It was so loud that it sounded like a machine gun; the couple at the table next to them ducked under their chairs covering their heads with their hands and screamed at the top of their lungs.
Sasuke began stomping his feet underneath the table like a bratty five-year-old throwing a tantrum in Toys R Us.
That's when it happened. Sakura felt a gurgle in her rectum and the nerves surrounding her Hershey Highway tingled. It was akin to the feeling of anxious excitement before you eat a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats in the Chick-Fil-A drive thru with a sausage in your ass. Red lights flashed in her eyes and sirens blasted in her buttery ears – similar to how it happened to Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill. The realization dawned on her.
SHE…
HAD…
TO…
SHIT!
She made a face like that portrait 'The Scream' or Macaulay Culkin when he splashed aftershave on his face in Home Alone. Oh NOES! This was a horrible predicament that she was in. Sakura absolutely despised using the bathroom in public because she didn't want other people to hear her turds splash into the toilets. She didn't want to give Sasuke-kun the impression that she actually had a hole primarily used to dispense fecal matter.
It must've been those damn banana peppers. They always liked to tease her steamy asshole. 😊
"Hi, Uchiha Yankee Candle Sasuke-kun," Sakura began shakily. "I…"
She paused.
He looked at her with eyes filled with boogers and said to her, "Did you know, Sakura? There's an old Hawaiian saying that Tito from Rocket Power once told me. 'No matter how much you wash a turd, it will not come clean.'"
"Yes, I think I read that quote on Facebook," Sakura said quickly, beads of sweat on her large forehead. The pain in her wrinkly ass was intensifying by the second. She laughed, "I'm just wondering if you're a mind reader, Sasuke-kun! Because I was just thinking of jacking off some turds."
His lips puckered like a chicken's asshole as he blew kisses into the salt and pepper shakers like a marshmallow named Steve Irwin. He wanted to swim in his aunt Barbara's pool so that he could burn some calories.
"I need to go wash my ears in the sink," Sakura lied, giving her date a reassuring smile. "They're getting buttery like a bowl of popcorn."
She stood up and excused herself from the table. Since she has been sitting down for three hours on the same sticky ass chair her legs felt wobbly as she walked across the restaurant. Sakura felt self-conscious walking in front of everyone, so she pretended that she was on the cover of a Lil Boosie album. She hummed a Lil Wayne song as she made her way to the restroom area.
Since Sakura was a non-binary genderfluid turkey wing, she preferred to use the men's restroom. But there was a long conga line in front of the men's restroom, so she settled for the women's.
Her flip flops clapped against the floor like a fat woman twerking her belly rolls for a free cavity filling as she walked against the tiles of the bathroom. She looked around and there were a group of Taiwanese women holding a séance at the sink. They were chanting in tongues and sacrificing a breadstick.
Sakura picked a stall that had a less amount of dingleberries on the toilet seat, sat down on the toilet and pulled out her phone. She wanted to text her best friend; Yamanaka Hu Flung Poo Ino.
'OMGGGG XDDDD I HAVE TO TAKE A HUGE DUMP wtf' she looked at what she typed and hit 'send.' She waited approximately 2 minutes for a response but didn't receive one, so she sent another text. 'Pls play GTA w/ me l8r. luv u' and sent a helicopter emoji. She put her phone back in her purse and settled uncomfortably on the toilet. She felt cold chills climb up her arms and she shivered. It was so cold in here; she bet her anus had goosebumps.
Smiling at the thought, she pulled down her raggedy underwear she stole from a packet at Wal-Mart. There were skid marks in them. She strained and heard a crackling sound come from her ass opening up. She strained harder and harder like she was giving birth to a turnip named Eddie. Then, an underwhelming turd about the size of a flea dropping fell out of her ass and made the softest splash you could ever imagine. You couldn't even hear it if your eardrums were the size of Choji's left buttcheek.
"Ahh," Sakura sighed in relief. "That feels so much better."
Suddenly, a LOUD fart escaped from her ass. It lasted eighty-three seconds straight and parted the toilet waters like how Moses parted the Red Sea in the Bible.
"DAAYYUUMM, THAT TURD SLAMMED ON BRAKES!" someone screamed in the next stall.
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When the moon hits your skin
I could see you and him
Not you and me
But it's just you and me
When the sun shines above
You wake up with the boy you love
Not you and me
But it's just you and me
All alone again
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To be continued…