I wake up five minutes before my alarm clock goes off at 6:05. I sigh, hitting the off button as I fight to gather the strength needed to get out of bed, which is especially hard this morning knowing I'll encounter that resignation letter in my desk. For a moment there, I thought he'd make his apology short and simple, that I'd forgive him and embrace him. But that didn't happen. Men like Joe are trained to resist routine and deliver the unexpected. And I, for once, had not been expecting the unexpected.
I sigh in frustration. What was I willing to lose for my pride? I asked myself and realized that it was much less than Joe would. True, he had hurt me; he had lied to me, deceived me, and hidden a secret that endangered all the people I loved. But he had also tried to protect Matt at all costs, he had made sure Cammie and I where well taken care of and provided for. He had quitted his job at the CIA to come train Cammie the way Matt would have wanted her to be trained. And somehow he had managed to keep her safe for so long.
Perhaps I could swallow my pride for once, forgive, forget and move on. What other option did I have? Letting go of him? Breaking my heart again? No. The first time had been painful enough. The first time was still aching. I took a deep breath. I wouldn't allow myself to lose Joe without a fight. I had already lost Matt thanks to the Circle; I wasn't going to lose Joe because of them, too.
I quickly go through the motions of getting ready, my mind prepared to face him, chase him, declare my love for him through the airport speakers if necessary. I have to make things right if I expect to live with myself for much longer. No, I wouldn't beg him, but I wouldn't play hard to get either, I was just going to make things okay.
I walk to my office, having no idea of what would happen next. My mind raced with all the possibilities. Would I call him over to my office? Look for him? Or do the whole racing-to-the-airport scenario? - In that case, perhaps giving them a fake bomb threat would help me gain time.
I walk into the office, and make my way to the desk, where I spot the neat, white envelope poised on top of my papers. Headmistress Morgan is addressed on the envelope. I lift the envelope carefully, part of me already expecting the formal words of resignation. But really, I just wish to rip it and go for Joe, but I don't. Instead I open the unsealed flap and get out a neatly tri-folded paper. I notice the lack of ink & quickly unfold it. My heart accelerates at spotting the three neatly printed words located in the middle.
Please forgive me.
They spelled out plainly. I feel my breath catch in my throat as tears spring into my eyes. "Joe," his name falls from my mouth before I'm able to stop it. Fear of losing him again grips at my heart.
"Rachel, I'm sorry." I hear his soft voice whisper as I turn to find him leaning against the door. My fear subsides as I take a moment to study him. I notice how he's leaning slightly too much onto the door, and the heavy, laborious-looking rise and fall of his chest, making it seem like every breathe causes pain. I travel up into his gaunt face, and his sunken eyes, and finally look into his tortured, but beautiful green eyes staring back into mine.
I slowly place the letter back on the desk and walk toward him, slowly, cautiously, as if approaching an injured animal. His arms rise in surrender as I approach.
"Please forgive me. For all that I mentioned yesterday and excuse the way I said it." He pleads, outstretching his hand toward me, for me to take, and so I let him pull me to him, to hold me close.
"Why?" I whisper softly into his shoulder.
I feel him shake his head. "I-I was a complete git." He tells me for lack of a better excuse. I shake my head slightly, snuggling into the croon of his neck as he wraps both of his arms around me. "No, why lie to me? Why keep your double life a secret from the only person it would affect?" I question, my voice raised, and edge of annoyance detectable.
"So that it wouldn't affect you." He answers simply, but something in his voice doesn't sound right.
"Liar." I call on him, detaching myself slightly to look him in the eye.
"Right. I was going to tell you. But every single one of the million opportunities I had, I let them slip by because I was afraid. Afraid of the look of betrayal, of disgust, that would've crossed your eyes if I did." He tells me shaking his head slightly as if to clear his mind from an image.
"I would have understood." I tell him softly, almost inaudibly.
" By the time I realized that, it was too late." He tells me, bringing me back to him and kissing my forehead. In the proximity to his chest I can actually feel the effort it takes him to stand up for so long. I'm about to step away, but he beats me to it.
"Come here," he says, whisking me into the couch, setting me down next to him and pulling me close. I let my face bury into his chest, my arms locking around his neck, his arms holding me strongly to his side. I feel him softly kiss the top of my head and I can't hold it anymore, so without my permission, tears start falling down and gentle sobs take over my body.
He holds me for a while, pecking my head with kisses, and tracing soft circles across my back. Neither of us speaks, not for a long time, not even after my sobs subside. I let him hold me close, his cheek leaned on my head, our hearts beating as one, none of us wanting this moment to end, nor finding the right words to proceed.
Suddenly I feel Joe kiss my ear. "I love you." He whispers softly, and I turn to meet his deep green eyes. I shake my head almost imperceptible, still not being able to say the words back. Guilt comes at me again, as it often did this past year whenever I caught myself staring at Joe, talking to him in anything but a professional tone, and specially that night where I let myself dance the night away in his arms…on Matthew's birthday. I'm still battling to let go, and I know Joe is too. I loved Matthew fully, ardently, irrevocably, and for a long time, I thought I'd do so… forever. I let a sigh escape and Joe does too.
"I missed you." I manage to say, as I feel the spell break. My hands unlatch from around his neck, and I start getting up. He reaches for my hands, pulling me down again, his face coming to a stop mere inches from mine. He searches my eyes, and I find myself lost in his and for once, my guilt-ridden conscience doesn't make itself hear.
"That's enough, you'll see" He tells me softly, as he gently grab my chin, and he leans down, looking into my eyes, for permission I incoherently grant. He moves closer, his lips meeting mine. The kiss is gentle yet urgent, infused it with the intangibility, and frailty of our relationship. My head spins with the crazed, deprived love I have towards him and I know, as it slows down, that I can't bring myself to regret this, and that one moment of clarity is enough to realize that forever doesn't ever last.
He gently lets go; now it is he who makes a move to stand. "No," I say, preventing him from getting up. "It's not enough, it won't ever be enough. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I fought so hard to let go of Mathew, and I've been fighting so much this past weeks to let go of you." I tell him, pausing to look at him and see that the fire I've achingly missed has returned to his eyes. "The first battle's over and I don't know if I can win the second one." I tell him, and despite the break in my voice I finally admit "I do not want to win the second one." 'I don't want to let go of you.' are the words left unspoken.
It seems as if ever since he came back into my life, he's been gluing the pieces of my broken heart back together, and even though it's not perfect, it can still love. "I love you, Joe" I let the words fall without trying to stop them. He draws me close to him, his lips plant a kiss on the side of my head. The words "I love you more," seem almost habitual as he speaks them, and my heart gives a flutter of hope.
I hope you enjoyed this little chapter. Thanks to each and every one of you who has favorited, alerted and especially reviewed this story so far, I really appreciate it. If you feel like I'm lagging in updating don't hesitate in dropping me a message. Pax et Bonum!