Red life:

CHAPTER TWO: Elementary school is hell

Xx Jul. 5 1993 xX

When I woke up I was confused. I didn't know why it hurt so bad between my legs. Then it came back to me. "I'm going to make you a women, princess." I remembered. I remember Him in me, and the shaking came back as I cried. After rushing to the bathroom to throw up, I made my way downstairs for breakfast. Siting at my chair at the table I wait for Mommy to fix my breakfast. It's my chair. Mine. Maybe I should put my name on it? "Well?" Mommy asked me setting down a plate of biscuits. Well what? She wants you to apologize for the lie you told. IT WASN'T A LIE! I know. And don't yell at me! Sorry. I'm mad. Mommy's dumb. "I'm sorry for telling lies." I lied, how Ironic. "Go on." I grit my teeth. "Uncle T-todd never t-t-touched me." I said becoming sick again. I'm not so hungry any more. Try to eat. Okay. "Good. I am going out to dinner with Joe tonight so your going to spend that night at Mikes house. Okay?" I nodded. "Go pack a bag then we are leaving in a couple hours." She's sending me away? Why can't I stay in my room. I like my room. It's MINE! And purple, I like purple. We should tell Aunt Kelly. NO! She'll think we're bad! Dirty! She won't like us any more, like Mommy. Your wrong. I don't want to be right.

The ride to my Aunts and Uncles house was a short one. They only lived a few blocks away. As we pulled into their drive way, Mommy turned to me. "Your going to behave right? No lying?" "No lying Mommy." I got out and walked to the front door, she stayed in the car. Not to seconds after I knocked my Aunt opened the door. Just as I was about to say hello, Mommy honked her horn and drove away. "Well that was kind of rude." "She's busy." I supplied. "Too busy to greet the people taking care of her daughter?" "I guess so." "Well come inside and give me a hug." I froze. "Ugh so tight baby girl! I'm going to cum inside you baby girl!" No! Don't think it! Don't. It's over. Done. "You okay Holly?" She asked, picking me up. "I'm fine." I hissed when she touched one of my bruises. "Did you get hurt?" She asked starting to pull up my shirt. "No! I mean yes I fell down the stairs this morning, but Mommy took care of it. I'm okay really." I lied to her. Uh oh I lied. Your a bad girl now you need to be punished. I started giggling. Seeing that I wasn't hurt, she smiled at me and put me down.

"Since your okay and Mike won't be home until Six, how about you help me put Corey down for a nap, and then me, you, and Ben can go watch some movies 'till dinner. I think pizza sounds good. What do you think?" I smiled and said it sounded great.It took us longer than we thought it would putting Corey to sleep. Little brat! Just needed to do what he was told a went to bed! Don't say that he's a baby. They're all like that. We're never getting one of those little monsters. Agreed. I thought back as I helped Auntie picked up from the Brat's bath. "Okay how about you go pick out the movie and I'll find your wayward cousin." She told me with an suspicious look, I guess I didn't hide my whimpers enough while picking up the toys, oh well.

I found my self in my Uncle's study, it's where they keep their collection. Truly I just didn't know what to pick, so I closed my eyes and picked one from the bottom row. Oddly enough it was one of my favorite movies the 'Wizard of Oz'. I love this movie! The witch can fly on a broom! I wish I could fly on a broom. Me too! We could have races! Aunt Kelly was already in the Tv room setting it up when I came in. "What did you pick? Ooo the 'Wizard of Oz' I love that one." "Me too." I said sitting on the couch while Ben sat in his dad's chair. It's brown. I don't like brown. His eyes were brown. I looked in them when he ca- No! Don't think it! Don't do it! "Aww is my little Ben to grown up to snuggle with his Mommy? Thats okay Holly with snuggle with me right?" She asked sitting next to me. W-what? She wants to snuggle? Mommy never wants to do that. I nodded whipping the one lone tear before she could see it, and moved into her side as tight as I could.

Truthfully I didn't even watch the movie or the one that Ben picked, something about a train I think, no instead I kept tucked into my Aunts side. Her sent, apples and cinnamon, it kept the bad thoughts away. I could hear her breathing and her heart beating it calmed me so I tried to match mine to hers. I could feel the softness of her breast and of her arm wrapped around me. It made me feel safe, like I was in a warm silk cocoon, protected like nothing would ever hurt me again. I like it so much that I didn't move after the movies were over and she let me. It was like she knew what I needed with out me telling her. Like she knew what happened and I was still scared, more like terrified really. But like all real things it eventually comes to an end. "Lucy I'm home!" My silly Uncle called. Patting my leg she got up. "In here Ricky!" She called back. No! I wasn't done yet. Stop being a baby she's not your mom. No...she's better. "Well there's my favorite niece come give me a hug." I can't...I can't. You have to or they'll think something's wrong. Something is wrong! But if they find out they'll tell Mommy. Just give him a quick one. I'll try. I ran and quickly hugged him around the legs and ran out back. See that wasn't so bad was it? No. It was worse.

After an hour of just sitting out back doing nothing, my Uncle called to tell me that the pizza was here. One small cheese for Ben, one small veggie for Aunt Kelly, and a large pepperoni and sausage for me and Uncle Mike, all of our favorite. "Hey why don't we play Monopoly, that was my favorite game growing up?" I said it was fine with me as I sat next to Auntie. As he set up the game I went and put my dish in the dishwasher after my two slices. For me the game was hard. Trying to figure out how much rent I had to pay, was what I meant. Luckily Auntie help cause my Uncle who is now being shunned tried to get me to pay more than I had to. Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater! Even with cheating he still lost to his wife. She says it's cause she balances the checkbook. Still the game lasted a couple of hours and I had fun.

Helping my aunt put away the kitchen. She announced that it was time for me to go to bed. I don't wan't to go! what if He comes back. Ask if she'll stay with you. "A-auntie? C-could you stay with me until I fall asleep?" "Did you have a bad dream last night?" She asked. Bad dream and a worse day. I nodded. "Sure I'll stay just let me tuck Ben in and I'll be right back." I nodded again. She was only gone a few minutes so I barley had enough time to pull on my a Pjs before she could see my bruises. "Ready?" She asked. She climb under the covers and I followed. At first I was a little nervous being in a bed with an adult after last time but I beat it down and snuggled into my Aunt.

I am mot sure how long she held me but I didn't care, I liked it. I was safe, I was happy, I was pissed, when my comfort-blocking Uncle popped his head in."She asleep?" He whispered. "I think so. Come sit over here." He did and sat on the other side of me, subconsciously I shifted closer to my Aunt. "Mike? Did you notice anything different about Holly today?" He was quiet for a minute. "Besides being a little quite, though she's always quiet, the only thing I can think of would be when I asked her to give me a hug, she almost looked scared. Oh and when I went to tell her the pizza was here, she was just sitting on the porch staring off into space. I thought she was just sick. Why?" He asked confused. "I noticed a few things today." I can feel my Uncle stiffen. "What do you mean." He asked. "Well. When I answered the door it was just her standing there and as soon as Sue saw me she just waved and drove away. I thought it was odd but Holly just acted like it was normal, and then when picked her up she actually whimpered as if she was hurt. When I asked her what was wrong she said that she fell down the stairs this morning but when I went to check she started freaking out saying her Mom already took care of it. I let it go. Then when she was helping with Corey's bath and the clean up the back of her shirt rode up and I saw something." I stiffened. She saw! She knows! "I think it was bruises, but they don't look like something from a fall, they look like hands. I didn't want to say anything until I talked to you." She stopped and looked at her husband. "Go on." He said. "When we were watching the movie I let her snuggle with me and first she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about but then she practically launched herself into my side and held on like as if she let go I would fade away. In fact she actually didn't let go until you came home and that was an hour after the movie." It didn't seem like that long to me. Weird? "Then just before we came in here she asked me to stay like she was terrified to go to sleep."

I didn't like were this conversation was going. Their going to find out! they'll know I'm dirty, filthy, disgusting. They'll send me away! "Sweetie I want to see these bruises." My Uncle said. NO! He started to lift up my shirt. I clung tighter to my Aunt and started shaking. "Mike wait." My Aunt whispered, then turned down to me. "Honey are you a wake?" I shook even harder, and soaked her shirt with my tears. "Shhhh it's okay Holly. I've got you. I won't let you go." I wanted to believe her, I really did, but I couldn't. "Is it okay if I ask you something?" I nodded. "Okay. Does your Mommy hit you?" Only last night. "No."You should tell them about yesterday. Only if they ask. "Does anyone hit you?" I shook my head. "How about touch? Has anyone touched you where their not supposed to or that you didn't want them to?" A nod this time. "Can you tell me where?" I can't say it! Another shake. "Can I show me?" This time I nod. I pointed to my lips and then my chest. "Your mouth and your chest? Anywhere else?" Another nod, followed by me touching between my legs, and but. "They touched you there too? Can you tell me what they did?" I don't think I can! "H-h-he t-t-to-uched-d m-me and-d p-p-p-p-u-u-t-t His t-thing-g in m-m-me-e!" I cried. I cried and griped her so hard I think I made bruises. Look what your doing! Your being pathetic! Your hurting her! Just like he hurt you! "I'm s-sorry." I apologized. "Sweetie you didn't do anything wrong, but I'd like to tell me who did this to you." "I can't!" I practically scream-whispered. "Why won't you tell us?" I stayed silent. "Okay you don't have to tell us but we'll talk to your mother in the morning." "NO! I don't want any one to know!" I sobbed out. "Sweetie we have to tell her this is very serious." No! She can't find out I told! "I lied! No one t-touched m-me! I lied! I'm sorry!" I yelled. She look at me with pity. Come to find out I hate pity. "Don't look at me like that." I hissed, scooting back from her. "All right Holly we won't say anything but I want you to promise that you'll tell us if this every happens again. Okay?" She looked defeated. "Okay" I promised to her. We lay there looking at each other until she gave in and pulled me flush to her. Some time after that Uncle Mike left to go to his own bed I assumed while Aunt Kelly stayed in bed holding me until late the next morning.

Xx Jul. 6 1993 Afternoon xX

Like they promised, neither of them said anything to my mother about last night, but I could see it in their eyes. They were pleading with me to change my mind so they could tell. I denied them. Which kind of made me feel bad because earlier this mooring when we woke up they surprised me with a birthday breakfast and their gift to me. It was something that I had always wanted to do. they had bought me a membership to a gymnastics class that met every Thursday after school. Aunt Kelly even ofter to take me there when I got out and pick me up to go home when it was over. I was so thankful that I almost let them tell Mommy. Key word? Almost.

Mommy had come to pick me up around one and stayed for a little while having coffee with my Aunt. "You seem like your in a good mood today Sue." My Aunt said. "Yep I just had most likely the best sex I've ever had last night." I blanched. "That was probably the best I've ever had my little princess." I think I'm going to be sick. I had to get away. When my Mommy was ready to go she found me sitting on the couch "Ready?" She asked. I grabbed my bag and led the way to the door. "Bye Holly I hope you can come over again soon." I gave her a hug and whispered that I loved her into her neck. Like the ride to my Aunts and Uncles, the ride home was almost silent. "This came in the mail for you." Mommy said handing me a small package. "It's from your father." Daddy sent me something? I tore it open to find a round silver locket with my name carved into it. Inside was a picture of my father holding me as a baby. Looking back in the box, I found a letter.

My Baby Girl,

I know that I haven't really been there for you but I want to to know that I am always thinking of you, and I want to be there for you, because I love you and I always will no matter what. I wanted to tell you that I met a women and we have gotten married so you have a new Step-Mom, I really hope you'll like Katherine because she's been dying to meet you. I guess I talk about you a lot. Also I wanted you to know that your going to have a little sister. I really do miss you baby girl and I hope one day your mother we'll let you come up here to Connecticut to send some time with me.

Love, Daddy

By the time I finished reading the letter I was in tears. "Whats wrong?" Mommy asked me. "Daddy says he loves me." I whispered. Mommy looked at me like I had two heads. "Isn't that a good thing?" She asked. "Yes. I think it is." But truly I had no idea. What if he found about about it? Would he care? Would he not want me anymore? Or would he still love me and want to help me like my Aunt? I want to believe, but like with my Aunt I just can't.

Besides a few non-important gifts from my Mommy and a store bought cake, nothing really happened. Just me sitting watching Tv and secretly listing to my Mommy talk to Joe on the phone. Mommy sure does seem happy talking to him. I bet he's really an evil banana trying to take over Mommy's head to make her his slave. Why do you think that? Cause the coffee table said so. It was then that I tuned into my mother again. "Tonight? My daughter here...no, no you can come." He's coming here? "Holly? Mommy's friend is going to come over so I want you to get ready for bed." "B-but it's only seven, can't we watch a movie or s-something? Together?" I tried to plead. "Don't argue with me." I made my way up the stairs I looked back. I'm sure she saw the beginnings of tears as I tried one last time to sway her to my side, "B-but it's m-my birthday-y?" Still it had no effect. As I lied in my bed after my shower, I was kept awake by the sounds coming from Mommy's room. They reminded me of what He sound like. They just added more fuel to my nightmares.

Xx Aug. 23 1993 xX

It's the first day of school and Mommy just dropped me off. I have always liked school but hated actually being at school. Truly it terrified me. So many people in one room, and then every one wants to sit close together. Not me. Oh no, I prefer just me and Scarlet sitting in the corner minding our own business. The problem is that people always try to sit with us and when I tell them to go away or I get up to move I always get in trouble.

Finding Mr. Wynters classroom was easy enough. So was finding my seat, it had my name tag on it. What confused me thought was that I was the only one at my table when everyone else was in groups of three to four. Odd? Or he probably heard about last time when those kids wouldn't leave us alone. Most of her hair grew back. The day was the same as any other first day until we got back from lunch. Mrs. Burns was waiting at my desk for me. "Hello Holly." She greeted me. She told me that she was going to take me down to the principal office so we could take my special test so I needed to bring my stuff. When we got there was already a desk and my test set up. Mr Derik, the principal, told me I could begin. Almost three hours later I finally finished all forty-five questions, and I found Mommy waiting for me with Mr. Derik and Wynters, and Mrs. Burns. We were all quiet as she graded my test.

"Well you answered 23/45 correct in three hours." Mrs. Burns began. "Unfortunately thats barely above fifty percent. Given the amount of time your daughter had to complete this test, I feel that this is unacceptable for our current first graders." At this point Mommy started yelling. "What do you mean? Are you calling her stupid?" "No you misunderstood! What I was implying that your daughter has a rare learning disability called dyscalculia. Which means she has trouble dealing with numbers. And I was going to suggest that she be put into a program that will help her overcome her disability." Mommy didn't look to happy. "How is this possible? I mean she can read and understand things that I don't even understand. How can she be retarded?" Mommy thinks I'm dumb? I think at this point I was crying, cause by then I had hid in my own little world. Later I found out that I would still be in the same class but when it was time for math I would go to a special tutor. How fun.

Xx Mar. 24 1994 xX

To this day I remember how I got the social stigma, Crazy Holly, which is kind of ironic because now I actually have a diagnoses that says I'm crazy, weird. The day started out like any other day, me getting up and ready for school then coming down for breakfast only this time Joe was in my seat. Joe had move in with us a little while after christmas. Apparently he and Mommy are in love. Back to him being in my seat. He came in MY house. I didn't like but I said it was fine. He monopolizes MY Mommy. I really didn't like it but I found it was much different than usual so I kept my opinions to my self. But now he's in MY seat AND I HATE IT! IT'S MINE! MINE! He needs to move. NOW! I'll make him move. I'll hurt him. We should hurt Mommy to hurt him. She deserves it doesn't she? She hurts us. All we want is for her to hold us, but does she? NO! We could set them on fire when they're sleeping. I don't want to kill them! Cripple? It's a possibility. HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING SEAT! I calmed my self and spoke evenly as I could. "Your in my seat." I hissed, maybe I wasn't as calm as I thought. "Whoops sorry Holls. I'll move." Maybe he's not so bad. BUT IF I FIND HIM IN MY SEAT AGAIN I'LL STAB HIM WITH MY PENCIL! Yeah I was still upset.

By then my Mommy had fixed me a bowel of cereal, and I started eating. Both Mommy and Joe sat at the table sipping their coffee and stealing glances at me. I don't like this Holly they're up to something. What do you think they want? Too wear our skin? No silly they're to big to wear us! I giggled, apparently it was out loud."What'cha laughing at Holls?" Joe asked me, seemingly amused. Quick make something up! "Purple ducks." He laugh too. "That's pretty silly." I stopped giggling. I don't like being called silly. "Holly we need to talk to you about something." I turned to my Mommy. "I'm pregnant. That means we're going to have a new baby." Pregnant? New baby? Why do they want a new one? "Are you going to get rid of me now?" I asked taking another bite of my Cheerios. I love Cheerios. "What? No! Of course not! Why would you think that?" Mommy asked me angrily. I took another bite. Open up for the Choo-choo train. "Why are you getting a new one then?" I asked. "Honey...when two grown ups love each other very much they have sex, and sometimes a baby comes." "They don't have to love each other. Sometimes they don't even want it, and sometimes they're not even grown ups." That last part I mumbled. "Where do you learn these things?" She asked. "I ready. A lot. Can you take me to school now? I'm going to be late." I asked putting away my dish. "We wanted to tell you that we are getting married." Said Mommy clearly in a worse mood than before. "That sounds nice Can we go now?" Shaking her head sadly, she lead me to the car.

The day was going like any other. First thing was English. We had a spelling test, mine was perfect so that made me feel better. I had Math with Ms. Wright, that didn't go as well, I may have gotten a little upset and pushed my papers onto the floor. The day continued to worsen during lunch. Cathy, that little blond haired bitch had told Mr. Norse, the new lunchroom attendant, that I was handicapped and that I'm supposed to sit with the other handicapped students. Which I'm not, she was just jealousy that I was better in Spelling than her. The sad part is that the idiot believed her. So there I was siting surrounded by my peers, trying to avoid their hands from touching. I'm going to hurt them. I'm really going to hurt them.

I managed to get through lunch with only trying to bite one of the others. Coming back to class there was a young man sitting at my table I didn't like it. He looks like Him. I don't like it. Watch him he'll try something when you not looking. "Hello class. Remember when I said that today we were going to have a special guest. Well this is Mr. Tyge. He's going to be here every Thursday so that he can become a teacher himself, so he's going to be my assistant, if you need help you can ask either him or me." Every Thursday? Watch him he's coming. "Hi you're Holly right? I'm Kyle or Mr. Tyge, which ever you prefer." Don't let him fool you. He's trying to control your mind. He's trying to make you trust him. FIGHT IT! I ignored him, choosing to focus on on my math homework. Seven plus eight is...ten..eleven...twelve. I wrote fourteen. Why's he coming closer? "No see the answers Fifteen here and this one over here is nine." He said putting his hand on my back. I stiffened. No...no..not again. It can't happen again. I don't want it. Not again...never again. See Holly I told you he would do it. Now he's going to hurt us again, and it's going to be all your fault. Unless you do something about it. I can't...NO! I WON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN! I gripped the pencil in my hand, whipped around and stabbed it in to his arm. "DON'T TOUCH ME! NEVER TOUCH ME!" I ran to the corner and sat with my knees to my chest rocking back and forth, muttering "no" over and over again.I could hear people screaming from the blood. "My god! Kyle are you alright? I've already called the nurse and an ambulance." I heard Mr. Wynters ask. "Really I'm fine Brian, it didn't go that deep." He's fine? Fine? How is it going to stop him if he's fine? Why Scar? Why did you make me hurt him? Cause he was going to hurt us. I could see it. You trust me don't you? I nodded.

I remember the nurse and the paramedics coming up to me to see if I was hurt. I remember screaming at the one that grabbed my hand. I remember being led to the principles office and him talking to me. Then Mommy came. I ran from the officer that had come in at one point, and threw myself at her. Crying, I begged her to hold me. She complied. "Please Mommy make the Him go away. I don't want to hurt anymore." I sobbed into her neck. "Please?" I begged again. Mommy looked so confused. Like she had no idea what I was talking about. "Ms. Wryms? We called you down here because of an incident that happened in Holly's class today. Apparently she stabbed a teaching assistaint with a pencil and then tried to attack the paramedics as they were checking her over." "What? Is she okay?" Mommy said checking me over herself. "What's going to happen now?" She asked. "Well there are several possibilities but since Mr. Tyge doesn't plan to press any charges..." "He can do that?" My Mom interrupted. "She did assault him with a deadly weapon, so she could face jail time, but I think we are going to be able to handle this in house. I'm going to recommend that Holly be somewhat isolated from the other students and that she be placed with an instructor that will be able to keep an eye on her so that she doesn't harm another student. Also I would suggest that she maybe start going to meet with a therapist once or twice a week. I think that this would be the best option for everyone involved." My principal said. Mommy agreed and now I'm still in Mr. Wynters class only there is Mrs. Canel, or as I like to call her the Hawk, sitting at my desk with me watching me...like a hawk. I also have to sit by myself at lunch with the Hawk. Besides that the only thing really different is the fact that every one looks like I'm going to kill them, oh and everyone calls me Crazy Holly.

Xx Jun. 29 1994 xX

Mommy never did sign me up for therapy, looking back I can't help but wonder if she had, would I have turned out the way that I did? It's really not important anymore. Today is the day that Mommy got married. I'm really not sure how I felt about it. I mean in five days it'll be exactly one year since that met, it'll also have been a year since...NO! Stop it. We're not thinking it! WE ARE NOT! Yeah a year since that. I got to be the flower girl, so I got to wear a pretty pink dress. Every thing was going so well until the after party. I had tried so hard to be a good girl cause today was supposed to be Mommies happy day. I was sitting with Aunt Kelly, as she was talking to some of Mommies friends when I heard Him. "Well, well, well do my eyes deceive me or is there a real princess sitting before me?" He said. I grabbed my Aunts hand and held it so hard I think I drew blood. "Holly are you okay?" She asked. "C-can w-we g-g-go, p-please?" I asked pulling her to Uncle Mike. "Arn't you going to give me a hug Holly?" I kept pulling Auntie to her husband never once loosing my grip. "I-I really want to g-go." I said when I reached him. I continued stealing glances at where Uncle Todd had been. He's gone! Where did he go? We have to get OUT! I think my Aunt understood because she told my Uncle that she wanted to go. "Alright lets go find Sue tell her that we have Holly so she's good for Hawaii. Lucky bitch." I heard him mumble. For the next three weeks I stayed at Aunt Kelly's and Uncle Mike's house while Mommy was on her Honeymoon with Joe. I think Aunt Kelly Knows who it was that hurt me now, but she didn't say anything. Truly I was just glad she still laid with me until I fell asleep, and held me as I cried during my nightmares.