I sit down on the cold ground of the warehouse, feeling particularly calm. I guess I should be, considering I'm not the person tied to a chair and trying to break free from my gag. Still, that person is also weirdly unperturbed. I think, in this type of scenario, anyone with much to lose would struggle, maybe in futile, but it is better than nothing. No, it's not as if I'm saying Shinichi has nothing left waiting for him on the other side of this door. He is being careful, I can tell. It's just that the kidnapper and killer can come back any minute and he is only using really mild movements to test the bonds.
Nevertheless, I'm not in any position to say anything. If I were to trade place with Shinichi, I wouldn't be moving at all. Or should I say "Togatta Kusarina" wouldn't be moving at all.
After that visit in the Togatta residence, many random scenes have been flashing through my mindscape, whether I find them disturbing or not. I have a hunch those are "Kusarina"'s actual memories. Of course, I've told Shinichi this. And right at this moment, I'm regretting that I did. The knowledge has led him straight into the killer's lair.
The door to the warehouse creaks loudly as if protesting the violent force imposed on it. The sound serves to halt my train of thoughts. Footsteps grow closer, as a figure makes itself clear.
"Ah, Mr. Detective… I see you have been rather obedient in the last hour. What a nice change"
Standing in front of Shinichi is the culprit, Togatta Masarina, who is "coincidentally" Kusarina's older sister. On the side note, she seems incredibly pleased with Shinichi's lack of resistance against the gag and the bond on his arms and legs.
"As a reward, I'll grant you back your ability to talk…" She adds, before removing the white cloth constructing his mouth. "There… How are you feeling, Mr. Detective?" Masarina said gleefully, bending down to meet Shinichi's gaze.
"I did try to break free, actually. But the sedative you injected me with made the job twice as hard" he chuckles at Masarina humorlessly, refusing to give her the pleasure of watching him suffer.
"You work that out, already? As expected. Usually, I don't need such a thing but Mr. Detective is used to this type of situation so I need to be extra careful. Ah, by the way, this cloth isn't just for show either. It's soaked with a stronger type of sedative." She continues to talk in nonchalance. I'm guessing she's trying to push Shinichi into despair. "As such, can you do me a favor, Mr. Detective? I need you to stay awake."
She must've detected the confusion in his blue eyes because she's kind enough to elaborate "You see… my 'masterpiece' is almost completed. I only need the most perfect pair of eyes to add to the touch. Originally, to make the event extra special, I decided to use Kusarina's ones. Not only because the inspiration was from her but also because her amber-colored eyes were the perfection that I need for my work. What a pity, though, for she fell into a coma and lost the shine that she usually held which is the thing that I need most. Your eyes, Mr. Detective, share the same vividness that I saw in Kusarina. That, of course, can only be seen when you are aware so I need them when you're most conscious. Still, I have a feeling I don't have to remind you. You need to stay awake to fight against the bonds, after all"
The female remained smiling confidently, "Actually, if possible, I would also like your vocal cord. It's very charming. But, regretfully, I can only borrow your eyeballs." She finishes with a distressed sigh, observing Shinichi's reaction before remembering something, "Ah, look at the time. I need to go now. See you in about 3 hours, Mr. Detective" Masarina even has the audacity to wave, as if she hasn't been threatening to gauge out someone's eyes several moments ago.
If I have to say it, I will say Masarina is only one of the many reasons why Kusarina lost her will to live. Or should I say she's one of the reasons why the "me" right now exists.
"Shinichi, are you okay?" I feel the need to ask because there hasn't been any sign of him moving at all. And I'm positive there's no option called giving up in Shinichi's dictionary.
"A little drowsy but I'm all good." He replies, voice a bit hoarse, probably from the effects of the drug "Well, at least for someone who's bound by specialized wires which constricts with each movement and was put under two different types of sedative." I can't help but smile a little in relief. If he hasn't lost his dry humor, he's "all good". "Um, I need a favor. I may say that I'm fine but can you accompany me a little? I can't afford to fall asleep"
From the dim lighting in the warehouse, I can't read his expression but I know he's trying his best to stay unaffected, to not recite the conversation with Masarina, to not mind the cons that outweigh the pros for him in this predicament.
-In the same position, "Kusarina" couldn't do anything as she proceeded to fall into a deep sleep- one that she might not wake up from. So there was this haunting feeling in me whispering that Shinichi wouldn't make it, no matter how much I sooth myself.
"Thinking of these past few weeks, I really don't want you to save me, Shinichi" I start. The result of him trying to return "me" into "Kusarina"'s body has led us here, on the brink of life and death. Not to mention, there's no guarantee that the lost soul will go back to its original vessel once everything is happily resolved. I'm, in the end, an entity that belongs to neither realm. To add to the mess, "Kusarina"'s life is a tragedy that I don't want any part in. "Even if I returned, "her" situation would only continue to roll down its ramp, no more no less than a tragedy it once was." I decide to voice my opinion. I can hear Shinichi sighing next to me, moving the chair along with his body a bit to my side.
"You're still calling it a 'tragedy'?" He doesn't seem to be forcing me to think otherwise, however.
"She was literally denied of everything she was and lost the hope she held dear to the people around her" I remind him casually, watching as he muses my words.
'Tragedy'- it really was. Togatta Kusarina, on the surface, is a successful 16-year-old student. It was said that she aimed to be a teacher, with the suggestion of her parents, who she would listen to even if the world was against them. It was a perfectly suitable job for Kusarina. Her academic ability was outstanding, especially in English Literature. Some said she could be a writer, already having read what she had scribbled carelessly in her free time. She won several Olympic prizes regarding anything English even though they were only high school level. However, her 'success' actually came in the form of art, in the form of carefully detailed drawings she poured her heart into. One day, Kusarina found a peculiar art competition and decided to submit in some of her own works. The naive and pure-hearted Kusarina didn't, not even for a second, suspect that she'd win the competition and was offered to enroll into Teitan Art University by the Headmaster himself. Through the eyes of bystanders, she was everything that would make any parents proud. However, the fragments of memory that often swept through my being tell another story, another part of the girl named Togatta Kusarina which only appeared once she stepped inside the confinement of her closet. Through the words of the people around her, everyone seems to perceive Kusarina as a cheerful, upbeat and talented girl. Nobody, not even her parents, knew that she would lock herself in the closet to cry her eyes out in order not to worry everyone, especially since the walls between the rooms were very thin. That was just once in a while, until her parents found out that she had had an interest in art. Kusarina thought her parents would support her if, instead of a teacher, she wanted to be an artist. But reality was cruel. Her parents told her to prioritize other subjects since she was going to enroll in Tokyo National University of Education. Kusarina agreed with a bright smile before breaking down completely in her small closet, time after time. Kusarina thought it would be okay if she just hung on and tried her best. She thought it would be okay if she held onto her loving family, her friends and the people that she had so much fate in. Until Masarina happened-
"Maybe it's better if "Kusarina" stay forever in a coma. The society is not for her"
"That was out of nowhere" He replies in the mid of his process to remove the bonds, the wires already creating various cuts on his wrists and fingers. Shinichi doesn't even cringe. "I think I understand but what about 'you'?" I ponder the question with the best of my ability, having been constantly fixated over "Kusarina"'s circumstances instead of my own feelings and the like.
"I mean… Don't you miss the sensation of living?" he says and falls into silence, once again, as if to give me space with my thoughts alone.
I would be lying if I said I didn't. Sometimes I catch myself wishing I would be able to interact with some of Shinichi's friends, wishing that I could be seen again. Those memories flooding through my mindscape wasn't helping either.
"I do. But don't you feel tired sometimes? Living, in general…" I turn to look at the detective, searching for his answer and catching the perplexed expression on his face. He still hasn't made any progress with neither the wires on his wrists nor the thick strings tied around his ankles. Yet, he laughs as if his life wasn't in danger. He stops his doings before looking straight at me.
"Weirdly, I can relate to that as well… You know, I asked Kaito the same thing at one point." With a smile mixed of melancholy and fondness, Shinichi continues "I can't believe him. In his KID suit, top hat, cape and monocle, he told me 'If you haven't jumped off a skyscraper, robbed a bank, burnt down your ex's house and sang off-key really loudly in the shower, you haven't really lived'." There was something very 'Kaito'-ish in that statement. "Yeah, I don't get it either." He elaborates, "Well, to me, I think he meant each of us just have to look at life through the happy times to get through those moments of utter exhaustion both physically and mentally." Shinichi must've understood my doubt and hesitation because he doesn't spare me any word as he exhales sharply, continuing on "Listen, I know what you mean… I really do. Returning to your true identity, working out the misunderstandings, finding your way back into the world, it may sound simple but it really isn't. Sometimes, it feels like everyone is ahead of you and they are leaving you behind. But it's OK. If you take one step at a time, it'll be fine in the end."
I don't doubt his words. "Why must Kusarina's life be so complicated though? I would happily accept myself as a normal human being instead of an academic and art genius with a sensitive heart. To add to the bonus, I have a psychotic sister who is supremely good at dissecting people, and is currently using my artwork as a means to create her living 'masterpiece' in the name of a pure cause while in reality, she is only jealous of my talent and can't bear being compared to me every single second of her life. Ironically, the last straw was that her boyfriend chose me over her. Have I mentioned the fact that my work has anything and everything to do with body parts and anatomies?"
As if he wasn't bound against a chair and wasn't about to lose conscious from the effect of sedatives, Shinichi chuckles at my rants before shrugging humorlessly, "Not every one of us has an ideal life. Well, at least you're starting to accept your identity"
-'starting' being the keyword. To accept "Kusarina" means accepting that my parents have a tendency to push their expectations upon me. It means accepting that my feelings are going to get the best of me. It means accepting that my sister, who I held dear, betrayed me because of what I was, of what defined me. Masarina is probably the reason why I find all of this hard to take in. For the sake of 'love', Masarina went as far as trying to kill her flesh and blood-
"Shinichi, did it ever cross your mind that if you kill Aoko, you'll have Kaito all to yourself?" I pull my legs closer, waiting for his response.
The detective stares at me with renewed surprise as he smiles, frustration edging on the corner of his mouth "That might be true" before adding, "Nonetheless, it is a foolish action. Aoko has a certain place in Kaito's heart that I can't possibly hope to replace. Killing her also means killing a part of him and watching him grieve over such day by day. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, especially the person most important to me. In this situation, it is an act of monopolizing, not love."
"You really love Kaito, don't you?" I'm not expecting an answer because I can see it without paying much attention. It is scattered everywhere in the time we spent together. It is in the way Shinichi, who usually put up an emotionless front, would smile at every memory regarding to the magician. It is in the way he waters those blue roses Kaito gave him each morning with a soft look in his eyes instead of an annoyed frown. It is in the way he fails to hide his happiness or the shine in his blue eyes every time Kaito shows up either at his doorstep or at the station with the promise to hang out. It is in the lost expression on his face when Kaito told him he would confess to Aoko on that snowy day. It is in anything that the aspiring magician refuses to look at.
"I think I found a pretty motivating reason for me to be alive again" My eyes stop at Shinichi's bloody wrists…
"Which is?" His voice is getting weaker. I can tell that he is worn out, in spite of his persistent but level-headed endeavors at getting free.
"I need to scream out to the world that you are in love with Kaito and plaster it everywhere on every single poster. Maybe, then, Kaito will notice", Shinichi smiles at me light-heartedly. It seems the subject change is a clever choice on my part. This will, hopefully, help him stay awake.
"I've been thinking… I didn't actually say anything which led him to the conclusion that I might be in love with him and well, Aoko is his utmost concern so it's normal for him not to notice" Shinichi says, leaning back into the chair for comfort. "Furthermore, with Pandora on his mind, I don't think my unrequited love for him is any good at the moment."
Maybe not 'words' that is apparent but 'gestures'- Gestures that he showed no one but that person. And I am sure that the entire police station including the Mouris (even Eri-san) and the majority of detectives that he associated with knew this. I am certain Aoko had gotten wind of it as well. However, the two people involved are hopeless. One of them insisted on calling his feelings a burden to the other. The other, even worse, couldn't see or refused to see his best friend as something more.
With the most unperturbed expression, he adds "If the wires tighten any further, I might lose my hand"… breaking the silence casually.
"You are… unnaturally calm, Shinichi" I comment, hoping that he isn't going to tell me he's given up.
"I did inform the police of my position before getting caught. There's a high chance that they'll be here in less than an hour" I sigh out in relief. The nagging feeling of anxiety is still there, however. I'm a 'realist' so 'high chance' doesn't always mean 'definitely' and that worries me. Shinichi must feel the same, hence his continuous struggling. "I'm not going to surrender, if that's what you were thinking." He assures, as though he could read into my thoughts.
"I've got to say goodbye to that stupid magician with a smile and play my part as the typical best friend, you know… I can't have him worrying over my well-being among anything else"
Looking down on the ground of the abandoned warehouse, I let out a breath.
"Kusarina" Shinichi speaks up, voice firm and left no room for argument. I glance up and realize he is waiting for me to reply or provide any kind of reaction.
…I'm hesitating. I don't know whether I should accept that name or not. I don't know if I could endure its weight or not. I don't know if I'm actually ready to face the world again, this time around. Still, looking at his reassuring gaze, I compromise.
"Rina is fine. Kusarina is hard to pronounce anyway" I let out a long breath…
"I see." Shinichi seems rather satisfied with my answer. "I just think it's about time I start calling you by your name…"
"How do you know I won't fall back into the state in which I lose my hope for humanity once again? I'm still the prior 'Kusarina', after all" I state my curiosity,
"'She' might not have been able to handle the society. But 'you', I think, are slightly different." He flashes me a somewhat playful grin before adding "From what I've gathered from her parents in addition to your random rushes of recollection, 'she' is a very devoted person towards her goal, in which case was: Art and English Lit – two of which demand long hours of research and details. I reckon she didn't pay much attention towards anything else, especially towards the emotional value, so the fact that everything was against her scarred her in many ways and she must've had no idea how to deal with it." He explains logically, absolutely getting used to the chair he was stuck with while I contemplate his words.
"And Masarina was purely the last straw" I finish his train of deduction as he nods along.
"You are not like that, however. You are the soul that 'Kusarina' casted out. Technically, you're another person with 'her' knowledge intact. Now that you're exposed to another environment from your own point of view, without anyone to influence you, I think you'll be alright facing up against anything that may come later on. Surely, you've matured. So, even if those memories are to serve the purpose of returning your identity to you, I don't think you'll easily end up where she once was."
To tell the truth, somewhere in my mindscape, I was somewhat ready to end my phase as a lost soul ever since I knew that I was a human. However, the final step towards the light is always the hardest for someone who has been in the shadows for too long. I frown at the large ceiling above.
"Are you being overly optimistic about my situation, Shinichi?" There's a certain word that describes the detective with his encouraging words. Green… Simple… illogical… No. "Your thoughts procession seems really naïve when it comes to my case" The words I tried to avoid flow through carelessly, leaving me with the truth then to come. Of course, there's always a part of me faintly whispering that his words are not genuine, however much I want it to die down.
"No way. I just trust you to know what to do" He casually states,
"You have a very optimistic standpoint for someone who's about to be killed at any given m-
Unbelievably, the sound to have interrupted my voice was the sound of-
"-Shinichi-kun, are you okay?"
It was the sound of the door being broken down, the sound of police siren ringing violently in the air and the sound of Inspector Megure's voice, heavy and out of breath, the sound of footsteps approaching.
"See? It all worked out in the end…" He whispered to me, his voice getting fainter by the second. I didn't say anything in return. At that, he flashed me a lethargic smile before losing consciousness, undoubtedly from the effects of the drugs.
"Shinichi-kun… Someone, get the medic-"
Next to me was a detective who fought through to his last ounce of energy to survive. His eyes were the color of the vast sky, the endless sea but always a shade deeper. His long and slender fingers were covered by blood and scratch but he didn't deem it worthy to bother. His mind was another fascinating planet that I wished I could have a chance to discover. His heart belonged to a talented, mischievous magician that he was sure he had no chance with. He was a weird person. He was a person who had received so much sadness that he was slowly getting used to it. Nevertheless, he was the person who inspired me to live again.
…And for this, I wish for his happiness.
-Next to me was a detective, known to most people as the 'Modern Holmes', known to me as Kudo Shinichi, nothing more, nothing less. For this, I was thankful.
Next to me was a dear companion, my savior, the last person I saw before my consciousness drifted off completely.
...Why does this feel like OC x Shinichi? Am I doing this wrong? OMG, what if people start shipping this? Urg... (Actually, I showed this to my friend and she started shipping ShinRina already.)
I promise there will be a lot of KaiShin interaction next.
Also, I'm sorry that I can't write the part with Masarina coming back for da eyeball BEFORE the police actually busted in. But still, Shinichi needs to be alive and with eyes, guys. Yeah, what a lame writer, couldn't even write suspense to save her life !
Even so, I hope you had fun reading !