I'm finally all caught up on my chapters. Yay. Remember that test I studied 6 hours for? It was moved to Wednesday. Anyways…here is chapter 12

I do not own Buffy the vampire slayer or Harry potter

"thinking"

"talking"

Chapter 12

Xander POV

A horrifying pain filled scream rang through the apartment and Xander bolted out of the bed. His only thought was to get to Harry, to protect him. He ran into the kitchen, the source of the scream and paused for a second, aghast at the sight in front of him.

Harry was sitting on the floor screaming, using blunt nails to scrape the skin off his arms. When Xander processed what he was seeing, he knelt down and grabbed Harry holding the boy to him trying to stop him from harming himself.

"Harry! Harry, its okay I've got you." Xander tried to calm the boy down and not panic himself. He had never seen anyone this way before. He didn't think it was the illness that caused it. Harry struggled in his arms, hands still gripped into claws, still scratching, still screaming. Tears poured down his face and he flung his head side to side.

At a loss, Xander did the only thing he could. He held Harry until his voice grew too hoarse to scream, until, his struggles calmed and he stopped trying to harm himself. Xander rocked the green eyed boy slowly, as he slowly grew quiet. Too quiet.

Xander looked down at Harry, and swallowed hard as he saw the cuts that the boy had carved into his own arms. Harry was so still in his arms and Xander was afraid, his green eyes stared upward toward the ceiling sightless, his body limp. The only sign of his being alive was his beating heart and his harsh breathing. Xander tightened his arms around Harry and wished he knew what was wrong. He couldn't help if he didn't know what was wrong.

A few minutes had passed before Harry began to blink furiously. Soon a sob rang through the air and tears cascaded down his pale cheeks. He clutched Xander's shirt and buried his face in it sobbing harshly. Xander continued rocking the boy and murmured quietly to him.

"Its okay Harry, I've got you Harry."

It seemed as if hours had passed before Harry had stopped crying. The kitchen floor was cold and Xander was afraid that if they sat there any longer than Harry would catch a chill and his fever would flare back up.

Harry suddenly turned, facing Xander. Emerald green eyes stared into chocolate brown for what seemed like an eternity before they closed. Harry laid his head down onto Xander's chest, unmoving.

Xander looked down at Harry and hesitated for a minute, unsure. Harry was back from wherever he had went, but Xander still wasn't sure if he wanted to move him. He didn't want to startle the boy and cause him to lash out. Not that he thought Harry would actually do that, but better safe than sorry.

He waited a few more moments before shifting and putting his arm under Harry's legs. He stood and carried him bridal style into his bedroom. Harry had a death grip on his shirt and when Xander tried to lay him on the bed Harry whimpered. A soft, pitiful, distressed sound. Xander's heart clenched and he felt like a bastard as he carefully pried Harry's hands away from him.

He quickly climbed onto the bed and pulled Harry to him, immediately Harry crawled near him and cuddled into his side. His hand returned to its previous hold. Xander pulled Harry even closer and Harry happily laid his head back down on Xander's chest.

Xander ran his hands through Harry's hair and then down his back, stroking softly. It wasn't long before Harry had fallen asleep in his arms. Xander joined him moments later.

Harry POV (in the kitchen)

Harry gripped his arms trying to ground himself as he felt his world rip apart. All the emotions he had pushed back in the last year raged through him. He couldn't do this. He was going to lose himself to the insanity.

His body jerked as his mind desperately tried to right itself.

Hate. Harry hated Dumbledore, Snape, his supposed friends, his relatives. He hated Tom Riddle for becoming Voldemort and he hated Voldemort for jumping the gun and ruining his life. He hated his parents for trusting Peter Pettigrew and dying while he lived. He hated Remus for not being there for him when Sirius died and he hated Sirius for dying.

Jealousy. He was jealous that Neville's parents were still alive while his had died. He was jealousy that Neville still had family that cared for him in their own strange way. Harry was jealous of the other ignorant kids in the world who whined about stupid things like not being able to stay the night at another's house or not getting ice cream for dinner.

Guilt. Harry felt guilty for Cedric's and Sirius's death. He felt guilty for all the people that had died during Voldemort's attacks. He felt guilty that his parent's had died and he had not.

Shame. Harry was ashamed that he could not get his relatives to love him. Harry was ashamed that he had not realized his friend's manipulations. Harry was ashamed that he was so weak.

Pain. So much pain, fear, despair. They all swirled around him trying to take him over. He couldn't. He wouldn't survive this. It was all too much, but he needed to. He had to.

"Xander."

Slowly, Harry became aware of his surroundings again. He noted that he was in familiar arms again; he stared up at the ceiling. He felt so empty. Or was this peaceful? He wasn't sure. He had never felt at peace before. Not with the world, with others, with himself. Never.

Harry blinked furiously, wondering why his eyes were welling up with tears. They slipped down his cheeks and for reasons Harry still couldn't quite comprehend; he began to sob. It was then that Harry understood. He needed to deal with his emotions, he couldn't keep pushing them away or he would go insane. So, Harry cried. He cried for Sirius, he cried for his parents, he cried for his lost life of ignorance, he cried for himself. He finally allowed himself to grieve.

When Harry felt that empty calmness that only came from crying he looked up at Xander. The older boy was holding him, rocking him gently. His full attention was on Harry and their eyes locked.

"He stayed with me the whole time." Harry looked into Xander's eyes, searching for an answer, for the reason why he had stayed with Harry. Why he continued holding him now that he had stopped crying, why he took of Harry when he was sick. And when he found his answer… he laid his head down on Xander's chest, listening to his heart beat.

Xander stood up and carried Harry into the room. He lay down besides Harry and they soon curled into each other. Harry laid his head back down on Xander's warm chest. The brown eyed boy's body heat permeated Harry taking away a chill. He hadn't known he was cold.

"I'm never letting him go, not when he looks at me with those eyes." Harry fell asleep listening to the Xander's calm, strong, heartbeat. One day, he would make this heart beat just for him.

Sorry that it's another short chapter, but I can't start the next scene until all of Harry's emotions were worked out. Thanks for the great reviews!