A/N: Greetings! I struggled a bit with this one, I really felt I needed to try and capture Ianto perfectly in this chapter, seeing as this is such a pivotal point in his life. I hope I have done him justice, I am still not 100% happy with it, but that is only to be expected of a perfectionist such as myself. Once again, I hope you enjoy! Hannah xxx
Why, oh why did I not see this coming? In fact looking back at my last entry, I suppose I did see it, sort of, but didn't want to admit it. I couldn't bear to admit what might be waiting around the corner, what she might be capable of… I can hardly bear to recall what happened, but I know I'll feel better if I do, it's why I started writing this in the first place, to let out my thoughts when I didn't know what else to do. Of course I know it won't make anything better. I endangered the team, and potentially Cardiff, and two innocent people have died. And it's all my fault. How can anything ever be ok again?
At first I was so happy that Dr… that Dr Tanazaki was coming to the hub to meet me, tonight I didn't even care that the team were playing yet another game of basketball without me, or the fact that they were going for another group outing to the pub to which I was not invited. I barely noticed the offhand way the Captain tossed the ball at me.
I'd just finished ordering the pizzas when he arrived. I led him to her. I opened the door to the disused vault where Lisa was resting. I hadn't told, or shown anyone that she was here; he was the first person other than me to see her. The way he seemed so excited, the way he thanked me, the way he marvelled at her, makes me feel sick to my stomach now. I feel so stupid for getting cross when he touched her the way he did, the way he called her a 'thing'. I suppose that's what she was in the end, a thing. I can't keep thinking of her, it, as Lisa. It just makes it all too painful. Together we brought her up to Owen's autopsy table; he said he would get her to breathe without the life support. For one horrible moment I thought she wasn't going to make it, and looking back on it now I wish she hadn't. I wish right then that she had passed away, as Lisa, without causing all of the carnage that followed. But to my relief she was fine, more than fine, she was alive.
The alarm went off; I looked over to the CCTV screen and saw them approaching the hub. It was then that I sent him off with her, back downstairs out of sight. I sent him to his death, while I went back up to the hub and pretended everything was normal. I keep thinking it could so easily have been me. Somehow I managed to save face when I met up with the team.
I remember even feeling pleased that the Captain was up to his usual tricks "Ianto, could you work some coffee magic?" followed by a praying sign and a pout.
I couldn't manage to get out the "Certainly Sir" that I had on the tip of my tongue.
Then we had the power surge, I knew straight away something was wrong, but I would never have… I just… it never even crossed my mind that he may be in danger there with her. I made up some unconvincing excuse about the generator, and headed down to them immediately. When I got there... When I saw the body, his body. The terrible things that had been done to him… She had done to him. I didn't want to believe it; stupidly I asked if it was an accident, I was in denial. She was one of them, the metallic voice I had heard her use spoke now:
"Upgraded" she said.
She was trying to make him like her. Yet somehow I still couldn't let go of her, she was still Lisa no matter what she had done, and I had promised to save her. So I hid his body and locked her inside.
Hearing the team on the comms; "The priority is to find Ianto" was painful.
I couldn't stand the idea that they were looking for me, worrying for me, when I had just caused the death of an innocent man. Owen and Gwen set off looking for me. She had Gwen on the operating table when the Captain got there, he was aiming to shoot at Lisa, and instinctively I stopped him, or tried to stop him at any rate. I couldn't turn the conversion unit off, and any second Gwen was going to be upgraded. Tosh had to send the building into lockdown to stop it, we were trapped. All I could do was apologise. He didn't say anything, but I could see the anger burning in the Captain's eyes.
He held a gun to my head as we walked back up to the main floor in silence. Toshiko was more than alarmed at the situation; I couldn't stand to make eye contact with her, or any of them for that matter. The Captain started interrogating me and suddenly all my emotion boiled, all the resentment I had ever felt at being left out of socialising or being taken for granted fuelled my response. I can't believe some of the things I said that night looking back at that moment now I want to cringe at the way I behaved, and that wasn't even the worst moment f that night. Although it's true enough that none of them had ever taken a great deal of interest in my personal life, I had absolutely no right to speak like that after what I had done. He proceeded to speak ever so gently with me (maybe he thought I was liable to do anything at a moment's notice after my outburst? Like I was a ticking bomb?) as he told me there was no cure. He was only confirming what I already feared. But I couldn't abandon her then.
Foolishly, so foolishly I still thought I could reason with her. If I could just tap into her somehow, Lisa was still in there somewhere I was sure. This resulted in her throwing me halfway across the room; the details about what happened are still a little unclear. But I do remember something, I think, a kiss? I remember regaining consciousness in his arms at the very least. I could never be sure that it happened, and I'm not sure about whether I want it to have happened or not. After all of this I feel confused, disorientated. Some of the things I have done in these past 2 hours or so have genuinely shocked me, I feel like I don't know my own mind anymore.
After everything she had done that evening, killing the Dr, attempting to convert Gwen, even assaulting me, in my crazy and deluded state of mind I still thought there was a chance. I couldn't give up hope. When the Captain set the pterodactyl on her I really did hate him, and soon enough the bomb exploded. I punched him right on the nose, and said the most awful things, much worse than the things I said to him before. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me.
"I'll watch you suffer and die"
I truly have disgraced myself. I should never have picked up that gun, I don't know why I did it I can't even use a stun gun properly, no wonder he found it so easy to tackle it off from me, I didn't want it in my possession in the first place. I really don't blame him for what he tried to make me do, by sending me back down there with my gun back in my own hands and his ultimatum ringing in my mind, it was much less than I deserved. But I still wasn't thinking straight.
"You're the biggest monster of all". I'm definitely for the sack after this.
Seeing the discarded pizza boxes on the floor of the hub set me running maniacally through rooms trying to find her. She must still be alive I thought, but she was doing it again, there was no sign of the pizza delivery girl, she must be trying to upgrade her. It was then, thinking this, that I believe I started to realise I had lost her, that there really was no more Lisa left in that body. None the less I was still distraught when I found her body, covered in blood on the floor of her vault. It really was the final straw though, when I discovered what she had done to that poor delivery girl, what made it worse was that she thought it would make me happy, that this was what I wanted. Those awful Cybermen had corrupted her mind beyond belief, how could she ever think this was what I wanted? I closed my eyes and hugged her close, before preparing the gun for fire. I knew what had to be done now, she was a monster. Though I know it was cowardly, I was so glad that I wasn't the one who had to do it in the end, when the team fired… when they killed her, I felt such relief.
Since then I have been up in the tourist office for about an hour, I can't face the music just yet. The Captain will fire me for sure after this. So much death, so much destruction and it's all my fault. And it could have been so much worse. I don't know what I would have done if she had managed to convert Gwen, or Tosh, or worse still the Captain himself. Even Owen. Tosh couldn't look at me when she left through the office, she smiled though, but our eyes didn't meet. Owen mumbled a 'see ya teaboy' but showed no expression in his voice and again didn't dare look at me. I don't blame them, whatever happens to me as a result of this, whether I'm retconed or fired or killed, it was my fault and only mine. Not even Lisa's, I brought her here it's my responsibility. With only the Captain and Gwen left I decided it was time to go down to the hub, and act like a man for the first time this evening.
I saw them, the Captain and Gwen, staring at me from the balcony in the conference room. He nodded at me just once, it was a small gesture, almost unreadable but I saw something in his eyes. Something that suggested it wasn't alright yet, but that it might be in a long time from now, that we would carry on. Suddenly feeling silly just standing there looking back at both of them, I got on with the only thing I knew how to do, my job. I picked up the bin liner as if it was the end of any other day, and started clearing up the mess, my mess.
He sent Gwen home shortly after that, and it was just the two of us left in the hub, I was scared as I awaited my fate. I had to be the first one to speak; I had behaved so terribly today, so out of character, now was the time to pay for it. I don't know how many ways I found to apologise in the space of about four minutes, but I know it was a lot. I apologised for endangering the team, for hiding Lisa (and myself) from everyone, for not following orders, for the awful, awful things I said to him that I didn't mean, and most of all for betraying his trust. And then I broke down, tears streaming across my cheeks. He hadn't said anything yet, and to my surprise he didn't shout, or get out the retcon, or worse still a gun. He just pulled me in close and held me so tight I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe for much longer. Then he pulled away just a little bit, so he could make eye contact and said:
"You listen to me Ianto Jones. I'm sorry."
I couldn't quite believe what I heard, he was apologising to me?
"I should never have never have asked you to do what I did, and I should have paid more attention to you in the first place and realised something was going on. I let you down." He continued.
I just stared at him incredulously, eyes wide opened, barely taking this in.
"Not that I wasn't angry, I was furious. Outraged even. You're absolutely right; you endangered all of us and betrayed my trust. Then I realised, that the others have betrayed my trust before and I have forgiven them, they took items out of the hub without my permission after all. But they all did this so selfishly. What you did Ianto was truly selfless" He paused for breath, whilst I was still unable to do nothing but stare. "You were so desperate to save her, so loyal, that you didn't think about the consequences. You didn't mean any of this to happen and I forgive you." He pulled me back in closer.
I just about managed to get out "Thank you".
Pulling away again he said "Not that I'm not still a little upset though, Do you really feel that left out?" He said, all seriousness gone now, and with a big grin on his face. My tears had just about stopped and I couldn't help laughing in response.
"Well I suppose I wouldn't mind being included a little more; I do like basketball you know. It's really my own doing though, with … with Lisa and all, I just sort of kept myself to myself." I did feel a twinge in my heart as I said her name.
"Well if you ever feel like you need to talk about this just let me know… Or if there's ever anything else I can do to take your mind of things…" He finished suggestively raising one eyebrow.
Surprisingly enough, I found that a little bit of the old Captain Harkness charm was actually a bit of a comfort just then.
"I'll be sure to let you know Sir" I replied as I left for the night.
He tried to convince me to take tomorrow off, but I don't want to be at home alone. I think I may need to cash in that talk at some point. It just hasn't fully registered yet, but I know that it will be a good while before I am back to myself (whatever that is) again.