I really wasn't sure how today was going to run, I knew now, well hoped now, that things between the Captain and I were sorted… just, but what about the others? I couldn't just expect their forgiveness, I had been completely and utterly reckless, and I could have killed one of them or all of them or myself. So eventually I eventually came to the conclusion that the best way to go about things was not to mention anything, and grovel discretely and (fingers crossed) successfully.
I arrived at work even earlier than usual, despite all of the madness of just four short hours prior to this, I had still showered and shaven and 'suited up' as usual, we all needed normality right now. The Captain did raise his eyebrows a bit when he saw me in so early, 6.15 was more than punctual, even by my standards. His eyebrows rose even more when he saw me head over to the kitchenette and pull out the bag of flower, eggs, milk and butter from my bag. He looked for one moment as if he was about to say something, a joke probably as he quickly thought better of it and wandered back up to his office , leaving me to it. I was making everyone pancakes for breakfast, apologising the way my Mother had taught me well. There aren't enough words in the world for me to express how much regret I feel for what has happened, what I cause. I was just hoping that they would understand that, and see this gesture for what it really represented.
Luckily, I think it worked, either that or the Captain had somehow managed to have a quite word with everyone without me noticing. They approached me cautiously, but all bearing smiles.
Gwen spoke first, and she couldn't have chosen a better thing to say in order to reassure me. "Ianto are they pancakes? You're a star I didn't get time for breakfast this morning!" she came over and kissed me on the cheek.
Toshiko was next, she gave my shoulders a squeeze and said "Your cooking better live up to your coffee standards".
For a minute I was worried about what Owen was going to come out with, or that he wouldn't say anything at all. Then I was relieved to see that familiar smirk as I knew a banterfull insult was about to follow. "So the teaboy thinks he's a master chef now does he?" and he made a grimace, but he dug in enthusiastically with the others.
I think everything's going to be just about ok.
I took the Captain's up to him; I'd made him a cup of his favoured 'industrial strength' coffee. "I didn't know that you offered room service" He stated with that wicked gleam in his eyes, the kind that would normally make me blush, but I was just so pleased that he was still treating me normally.
After taste testing, he just couldn't resist making a series of the dodgiest sounding, appreciative noises finishing off with a "what other talents are you hiding?" He was clearly not satisfied at my failure to blush earlier as when I turned bright beetroot at this he let out a laugh and said "See everything is back to normal".
Well, almost normal. I think I am expected to go into the field, go where the action and the danger is at last. I'm terrified. I think the Captain believes he is doing me a favour, maybe trying to include me more or something, or help me get over… what happened… faster. Whatever his reason, I know he believes he is doing it for my benefit, but after everything that's happened it's the last thing I want to do. Perhaps he sees it like getting back on a horse, not that I was ever really on the horse anyway. And as for getting over Lisa, I think it will take more than fighting aliens and learning how to use guns. I didn't sleep at all last night, for fear of what nightmares may follow me there. It's only been about 13 hours, and honestly it hasn't even begun to sink in yet. I've been telling and telling myself in the back of my mind, it wasn't Lisa, she had gone by the time they shot her, and it wasn't her. For now it's held back the tears, but I'm worried it won't be much longer until I completely breakdown into a wreck, I tend to bottle things up and let them brew inside me.
All in all it has actually been a rather entertaining morning. The team have continued to treat me the way they always have, as chief coffee brewer, as the document finder, the expert in washing up, but so much more than this as well, as a true friend. It was Gwen and Tosh's task this morning to give me some help with defence, and I must say I haven't laughed this hard in goodness knows how long. Meanwhile, Owen and Jack had gone to round up another Ood which has wondered through the rift somehow, leaving us 'ladies' as Owen put it, to ourselves. He's quite sweet really (the Ood not Owen), our original Ood, John as we have named him, is happy just milling about in our largest vault, he likes watering the plants as well. So this second one shouldn't be any bother either. Anyway, back to my morning!
Much to my surprise I wasn't nearly as bad as it all as I thought I would be, or perhaps Gwen and Tosh were going easy on me. They started by teaching me some sort of basic karate, or at least what looked and felt like it was karate. How useful that will ever be in a real life situation I have no idea… After that was when it got really amusing, they each put on a ridiculous, padded suit and helmet then took it in turns 'attacking me', all the while surrounded by safety matts and all three of us being as gentle as possible. We took it seriously for all of fifteen minutes, and in that time I did manage to pin them both down, but really neither of them were putting up much of a fight. After that point, seeing the absurdity in all of it, 'let's attack Ianto to death' became 'let's tickle Ianto to death instead', now that did involve some effort to get them off me, especially when they found out how ticklish I am! All together it was a rather hilarious few hours.
The other two arrived back in time for lunch- I'd made a selection of sandwiches as a backup in case the pancakes were a disaster so we all sat down to eat together for the first time since the chinese on Gwen's first day. It was nice.
After lunch I managed to have a good catch up with Tosh, it seemed like days since we'd spoken properly! Apparently the drink with Owen didn't amount to much, mostly work related chatter and the like, but still I reminded her it was a start. I really wish I could let him know how she feels without actually telling him, she's too shy to do it herself and maybe, just maybe if he realised how she felt then something might happen. Office romance, how exciting!
This afternoon it was back to the usual and faithful paperwork, I still felt safe with paperwork. Though being by myself at a desk again, compiling a report on the death of Ed Morgan which had yet to be completed, I had time to think. I started to process everything that had happened, just yesterday. I had lost her. My Lisa, the Lisa I loved and adored and had supported until the end, no matter how wrong I was in doing so, was finally gone. I'd worked so hard to save her, truly I had, but had it not been enough? If only I had found her sooner that day back at Torchwood one. Or would she have been better off if I hadn't found her? The last three or four months of her life were spent in constant agony, passing out from the horrific pain and longing to be human again, was I wrong to keep her alive then? Part of me thinks the Captain has it wrong, I was being selfish. It was me that couldn't bear to let her go, that kept her hanging on to life, all because I wanted her in my life. I still want her, I want her back, the way she was. Nothing like wanting the impossible. I was starting to think it wouldn't be much longer before I broke down and cried after all. Thank goodness the Captain hadn't made me complete any of the paperwork after the… incident… just seeing it written down, would have made it all too real again.
I'd been sat there mindlessly typing up the report as I mulled all of this over, my stomach churning at each unanswerable question, for almost four hours now. A report which usually would have taken one and a half, two at the most. The Captain came down into the hub, it was only us still here at the moment, the others were off discretely administering retcon to a, now, rather frightened collection of Cardiff citizens who ran into our Ood (George) before the Captain and Owen got there. He must have noticed that I was still working on the same piece, or the pained looked across my face and blankness in my eyes.
Either way, he came over to me, "I think you need a break" he said.
"I think you might be right there Sir" I replied with a small, polite smile.
Not only was the Captain right about my needing a break, he was also right (much to my surprise) about how getting into the action of things would help take my mind away from everything else. It worked a treat.
"What exactly are we going to do Sir?" I questioned.
"We're going on a Weevil hunt, we're going to catch a big one" he replied with a devilish grin across his face.
"We're not scared?" uncertainty ringing true in my voice, he just laughed at that.
As it turned out it was great fun, we tracked one down to that same park where I'd first introduced myself to him, if you can call it an introduction. Catching the Weevil, it felt just like how it had before exciting and adrenaline fuelling, this time I was much more prepared for its strength, or maybe Tosh and Gwen's tips earlier had helped a bit after all. With the two of us it was an easy task, I distracted her (Jack has somehow come to the conclusion that all Weevils are female!) whilst the Captain grabbed its arms from behind. I quickly administered the sedative while the Captain placed a bag over its head, perfect team work. We soon broke out into laughter, it had definitely taken my mind away from reality if only temporarily. I wasn't anywhere near ready to forget Lisa, I'm not sure I ever will be or will ever want to. But it was sort of nice to pretend to have forgotten for a bit, if that makes sense.
We stood in a comfortable silence for a minute or two, then the Captain appeared to remember something, and a looked crossed his eyes that I knew all too well, he was up to something. But before I had time to even think about doing anything he had lunged at me, pinned me to the ground and was seemingly attempting to tickle me to death. He wouldn't stop until I begged; he seemed to find it all rather hilarious.
"I've never had a man begging for me to get off of him before, you've ruined my perfect reputation Ianto" He chastised with a wink.
Blushing furiously, I debated in my mind the idea of retaliating with an "I'm sure you have created your own imperfect reputation without my assistance Sir" but that would just incur a further flirtatious reply.
Or another bout of tickling- mental note to self, need to have serious words with Gwen and Tosh about that! I decided to leave it, but he gave me the strangest of looks when I didn't say anything back, and continued to look at me, or so it felt, in this way while we dragged our newest Weevil back to the SUV.