Cross referenced with Chapters 19 and 20 of Caught in the Whirlwind

Acanofbeans- lot of vulnerability in that last chap.

39

Her dark hair shakes as she breaks out of her trance, she looks around, their kids are setting the table, without prompt, they must be starving, she concludes. She looks back at Piper, dread is spread clear across her face, the blonde's eyebrows furrow at her wife's expression. She tilts her head toward their room and starts to walk away. Piper thanks the kids for starting to set the table, and follows the brunette.

"Whats up?," Piper asks her, shutting their bedroom door as her wife is walking in a wayward pattern.

"Pipes, almost daily, I wrack my brain over having the courage to talk to Jamie. I want him to know my goods and my bads, and still love me the same way he does after all of this today."

Piper's tongue comes between her teeth, she nibbles at the muscle, fighting the urge to speak, trying to give the brunette a chance to finish her thought.

"My main issue is, I don't know what he's capable of digesting, like what conclusions he'll make. I thought all this time he understood that we weren't biologically related, and that he felt this connection to me knowing this, all along."

"But now he does, and that connection is still there Al."

She nods, "yes but, how did he not know? I don't look anything like him."

"He connects with you on things that actually matter Alex, you created this nest of safety and love for him, the visual didn't matter. It still doesn't. And it wont. Ever."

"And I love our nest," her voice shakes, "I do. I love that it's ours, the balance of consistency and chaos, it's great. I don't want them to come home and feel like they're sharing this space with a stranger. I want them to know where we came from, but without running the risk of them coming home and being afraid of me."

"They wouldn't be afraid of either of us, they know us. Who we were, isn't who we are. We should tell him more," she frowns a little at the thought of his face as the realization of his chemistry unfurled in front of him, "even if it evokes an undesired response."

"Sometimes I wish... I don't know," she stops herself and re-gathers her thoughts, "I hate that that there are people, who I can hurt and disappoint. Little people, who I have to answer to."

"I understand why people keep secrets, of their less than perfect past, hidden from their kids, but if it's important to you to have it be on the table, then its important to me too. I think the way it's approached is what's more important. Like you said you don't want them to come home and feel like this place isn't what it once was, this person isn't who I thought she was."

The brunette looks up to the ceiling, wordlessly begging for some push to continue progressing with their son.

After dinner, she walks through his open door. She looks around, his floor is a mess, books, notes, albums lay in disarray.

She slowly kneels down on his floor, and takes a seat among the clutter. "So...," she says in an attempt to get his attention.

"So?," he looks around for a moment, "I'll clean it up later, I swear."

"Oh I don't care J. You okay?"

"Yeah...," he says looking right at her noting she looks a bit off, "are you?"

"Sure. What are you doing?," she asks trying to normalize the conversation.

"Freaking bio," he says closing his book, "I've had enough for one day, you know?"

"Word kid."

He laughs embarrassingly, "please don't say that ever again."

She tilts her neck to the side to crack it when she catches the picture of him across her chest in the Moby. She lifts it up and smiles immediately, looking at how small he is, "you were just a baby."

She looks back at him, wide eyed, "I was. Facing outward, ready to take on the world." Alex quirks an eyebrow.

"Mom said you purposely carried me that way as opposed to laying me in a carriage so I wouldn't miss out," he says this was a twinge of sarcasm, "you know, so I'd be aware of what was going around me."

She looks at him, daring him to confront her today. She goes to set the picture back against the book on his table; she swaps the picture for the book, "did you read it?"

"Yeah."

"What'd you think?"

"It was pretty good."

And?, she peers at him with an unimpressed look, one that read an answer of "pretty good" wouldn't be enough of a response, regarding a book review.

"Honestly? I think it's a little ridiculous to be punished for a lifetime over one thing."

Thank God.

"So she had sex with some other guy. Yeah it's wrong, but the village is going to be obsessed about it their whole lives?"

Alex chuckles, "it was a different time. Your generation is desensitized to it, it's messed up kid."

"Agreed, but its not worth a lifetime of guilt. This woman like grieved her mistake her whole life when it's not that big of a deal. Like she's made to feel horrible over something insignificant...," he stops for a moment, realizing his mom has had something she's been ashamed of and has lived for all these years with guilt, "is that it? Did you cheat on mom?," he asks holding his breath.

"No!," she exclaims offended.

"Oh," he lets his breath out in a sigh, "okay."

"What are you like disappointed?"

"No, I just thought that it might be the reason you wanted me to read it."

"Well it's not. Do you really think I'd cheat on your mother?"

"No," he says looking down.

She thinks for a moment, he still asked, willing to hear that she did in fact cheat on his mother, his drive to know the truth outweighing the principle. She looks at the book in her hands and opens her mouth,

"I...I cheated on someone else with her."

He looks up completely amused, "you did? Do I know her? Him?"

"Excuse yourself."

"Well I don't know!"

"Yeah when I first met your mother, I was already with someone else," she shrugs a shoulder before coming up to her knees.

He all but knocks her down, "so you did want me to read it because of this?"

"No, for God's sake, I should probably have felt worse about it than I did, but I didn't love her the way I love your mom, so the guilty conscience was never really there I guess."

He nods in understanding but doesn't say a word.

"You met her once, on the street."

He looks at her curiously unable to recall ever being introduced to the woman who was cheated on by his ma.

"That time on the street, after one of your games, I think you saw me talking to her, your mom came out of the market and they got into it a little."

"Oh man!," he laughs immediately remembering.

She can't help but release a chuckle, she speaks through her smirk, "oh man is right."

He continues to laugh, "well at least it was for someone you ended up marrying right?," he tries to justify through his hysterics.

"It's not funny," she says in her best attempt at a moral tone, pointing a finger at him, desperately trying to hold back her own laughter. "No but seriously, you know that's not alright, right?"

"Yeah ma."

"No J, what I did was wrong. When I was interested in your mother I should've ended the relationship I was in."

"I know."

"Okay," her look lingers a second longer trying to determine if he truly thought it was amoral.

She looks at the book in her hand once more and exhales, "fuck." Her elbow digs into her leg, her face in her palm. She looks at Jamie and just shakes her head back and forth.

"What ma?," he asks, noting the return of her discomfort.

"Just...try to remember how this felt," her respiratory rate doubles, "that maybe some things aren't as a big of a deal as one might think?" She wants to tell him, her eyes harden, "that maybe you could revisit this feeling and not punish me forever? No matter how bad it is."

"Over-what?"

She tries to control the pace of her breathing, "I need some air."

He exhales in frustration, as she walks out of his room. By the time he gets to his own feet, she's already by the front door, Piper's trying to convince her to wait a second so that she get her shoes on and go with her.

Jamie volunteers to take Piper's place and scrambles to get his own shoes on, while Alex shakes her head to say no.

He comes up to his feet and looks at her face, "I'm going."

Piper frowns in her wife's direction, not knowing what to do.

"I wont ask you," he reassures Alex as she holds onto the doorway, trying not to pass out.

"Where are you going?," Harper asks in the direction of the commotion.

"Just for a walk," Piper tells her lifting her up.

"Can I go?," she asks biting her lip tilting her head toward Alex.

Alex lets out the slightest whimper at the feeling of being torn in two directions. The overflow of love for her two kids is constant, she couldn't possibly get enough of them, this pull toward them is palpable and she's terrified of losing it. At the same time she can't get away from them fast enough, she's reeling with anxiety and needs to not be confronted by these same people who are making her wish she was still not tied to anything.

She runs her hand over Harper's cheek before gently squeezing it, "milkshakes?"

Her daughters face lights up and nods, she extends her arms toward Alex, who receives her and pulls her in close. "That okay?," she asks Jamie.

He nods somewhat worriedly in her direction as they step outside the apartment and head to the diner.

The brunette sucks down the melted ice cream quickly, purposely trying to bring on a brain freeze to block any other thoughts. She squints her eyes hard an presses her hands to her head now regretting the stupid action.

"Ice cream headache!," Harper yells pointing at her mother.

"Ahhh," Alex says rubbing her head until it starts to subside. Jamie eyeballs her in judgment.

"Do you have quarters?," Harper asks her as she bites her straw.

She nods and unzips the change section of her wallet, sliding fifty cents across the table. Jamie looks at her, she slides two more quarters in his direction before he can beg for his customary metallic ration.

Harper turns the dial on the music box, flipping through pages of musical selections until she finds one that she likes. She slips her quarters in and presses in the code. She smiles wickedly at Jamie who yells, "noooo!"

Miley Cyrus', "Cant Be Tamed," starts playing overhead, while Harper owns the lyrics and adds her dance moves. The seat of the booth bounces and Jamie looks less than thrilled to be sharing a seat with her. He goes to sip his milkshake when she bounces extra hard making him miss his straw. He turns around to shove her, she squirms underneath the table and comes out on Alex's side, clamoring into her mother's lap, seeking protection. She wiggles her butt on her mother's lap, while looking through her wallet. Alex sees the old picture of Piper that she's had in her wallet for years. She thumbs it for a moment, before fully withdrawing it and handing it to Harper. She tells them both it's one of her fav pictures of Piper. She tells them she found Piper, after searching for her for hours when she was really mad at her. She tells them the look Piper's giving her captured, that even though she wasn't their mothers favorite person in that moment, she was still happy to be found.

Harper's fondling the picture, and asks her where the picture is from. "Italy," she tells her without any other explanation

"It-a-lee," she repeats a few times to herself until her voice is at a whisper. "Is that from one of the times you lost her?," Jamie asks.

Harper continues to study the picture, "can we go here?," she asks with her finger pressed against her mother's face in the photo.

Alex looks and Jamie and nods. "She's right at home Harper, want to visit her forehead?"

"No," she wags her head at her mother's silly response, "hereee," she moves her finger to the background of the photo.

Jamie puts his hand towards Harper, silently asking if he can take a look at the photo.

"You'd want to go to Italy?," she asks her daughter curiously as other kids her age would normally be begging to go to Disney.

Her son stares into the picture and looks at his mom, wondering why she'd keep this photo in her wallet when it was from a time where she thought of herself as a bad girlfriend.

The elevator chimes, Harper takes off down the hall and knocks on the door repeatedly til Piper opens it.

"Gratzie!," she exclaims with hand gestures before flopping on the ground to remove her shoes.

She looks at her daughter oddly at her Italian expression, "how was the diner?," she asks as Jamie and Alex walk through the doorway and close the door.

"Good, I gotta go to the bagno," he says kicking off his shoes and heads to the bathroom.

Alex pecks her hello before making her way to their laptop.

"Why are they saying things in Italian?," she asks the brunette.

"We're going to Italy!," Harper says from the floor, "aiuto?," she asks with her foot in the air.

"Yeah maybe Little Italy down Canal," she says to Harper as she crouches down and helps her undo the double knot on one of her sneakers.

"No, real Italy, mom said we could," Jamie tells her coming back from the bathroom.

"Alex!," she shouts down the hall not knowing which direction her wife went. She pokes her head from room to room in search of the brunette until she finds her typing into travel search engines.

"Alex, what did you tell them?," she asks with the "them's" looking between their parents.

"What? They wanna go, it'll be great," she says looking over her glasses as she types.

"Yeah, they wanna go," Jamie says.

"Don't you have homework to do or something?," Piper asks him.

He doesn't answer.

"Al, Italy's really expensive, we cant just decide, 'hey we're gonna go fly across the Atlantic,' and drop that kind of money on the spot."

"It's still off season, and we have the money. C'mon when's the last time you've been?"

"Yeah, when is the last time you've been?," Jamie inquires as Piper gently pushes them both out the door.

"Al...," Piper starts again.

"Pipes, it'll be a good break from the everyday. We can show them some of our favorite spots, we could have gelatooooo," she says caressing a hand up the blonde's back.

"We can get gelatoooo from the grocery store."

"It is not the same, you can't even put them in the same category."

"Al?"

"I need this...," her voice trails off in a long winded explanation about how she needs a distraction, but all the while again they can use this as an opportunity to reveal other aspects of their lives, important moments.

Their boat bobs outside the cave as their kids' "holy smokes!," and other exclamations echo from inside. They recline, slower than they did twenty years prior and are once again taken within the cave that's illuminated by glowing blue water. Days later, their kids walk up ahead of them following the signs on respective corners that point toward the Ponte Vecchio.

"You know with all the drama that was going on with us while we were here, I still felt like I could be myself with you."

Alex slips her hand into Piper's, she pulls her hand up and kisses the back. They round the corner by the bridge and halt.

"Just don't have reservations babe, tell him what you want, I can go off with Harper and get us something to eat."

"Is this it?," Harper confirms at a yell over the noise of the city.

Piper jogs over to Harper, "yes peanut!," she lifts her up so she can take in the full view over the stone railing. Alex and Jamie exchange glances, in the same way she can tell when something is up with him, he can with her.

Harper and Piper set out to find something for them all to eat. He starts "okay, so what else happened here?"

She tells him of how Piper accompanied her, how she felt trapped in some aspects of her life but free by Alex's side. That they traveled a lot because of Alex's job at the time, but with her job came high levels of stress and she neglected Piper, often promising to give her the time she deserved but didn't follow through.

"What kind of job?"

She stares at him, causing him to roll his eyes in response, "okay, fine."

"I was just sure that the choices I had made, had pushed your mother to her limits and she'd had it with me."

"But she didn't leave you."

"Not that day she didn't, but soon after she did."

He notes the look of sadness over Alex's face, "so why did she stay?"

She thinks back to those times, long ago, recalling the highs of their relationship. "Her faith in our relationship, I guess. It was a new love that she, we, both hadn't had before and she believed in it more than her disappointment with me."

She types Neruda's Sonnet 17 into the search engine of her phone and starts to read the poem to him. Moments later Harper lands in her lap as Piper takes a seat holding a fresh pizza. Alex reads through the poem slowly, allowing Piper to interject between lines, adding her interpretation in words both of their children could appreciate. She tells them that even though at times she felt uprooted with all of their crazy traveling and "adventures," it was here on this bridge that she realized she felt at home with their mother.

The drawer from the kitchen cabinet slams shut, rattling the silverware. Alex steps into the kitchen surprised that Jamie's home, "why aren't you at practice?"

"Because I didn't feel like going," he says as he spreads the mustard over a slice of bread and smacks it on top of the rest of his sandwich.

"You alright?"

"Yeah everything is great. Oh, except I can't see Lauren anymore."

Her eyebrows furrow, "what? Why not?"

"Her dad said she couldn't. She said she didn't care what he said but... you know, whatever, I don't want to see her anyway."

"No, what happened? Tell me."

He takes a huge bite of his sandwich, chewing hard, angrily, until finally he's able to swallow. He looks at her from the side, "she said he told her that... forget it ma. It's not even worth it." He goes to stand up, when she pushes him back down in the chair.

"What did she say James?," she says now becoming irritated, seeing her son upset.

"She said he told her that your name and mom's name were attached to some drug dealing case? And he doesn't want her around us anymore."

She swears time stops, that if her eyes could focus through the wetness that coats them, she could see her last breath escape.

When she doesn't speak he looks at her, her face tells him everything, and his face begins to mirror hers, "it's true?"

Her lips tremble, she grimaces and swallows hard, trying to repress the scream that tries to emit. As she takes a seat next to him, he's met with continued silence, devastation creeps across his face. He watches the tears roll down the cheeks of the person, who has never claimed to be the poster child for morality, but who still pushed him to be kind hearted and ethical.

His head shakes roughly, it doesn't make sense, "no...," he leans away from her momentarily, "why didn't you tell me!?," he asks furiously, "I told her that her father was a jerk, I called him a liar."

"Baby, I'm sorry," she breathes heavily, "I'll work everything out with Lauren," was all she could muster.

His hand moves back and forth, not even able to deal with that, "you were a drug dealer? And mom?"

"I moved them... from one country to another, it's just as bad," she exhales slowly. "J, I'm not trying to justify anything," she places a hand over his hand. He sharply withdraws it,

"don't touch me."

She draws her breath in staggered and curls her fingers back, away from his hand, "I wish you got to meet my mom J. She was really one of the single best people I've known all my life. I loved her so much, but watching her work so hard to get us nowhere, I didn't want to continue in that pattern."

"So of course, the only answer was to become a drug dealer."

"Of course not, but I was young and angry, I felt like life defeated me when I should've been on the verge of feeling like I could conquer it."

He shakes his head and pushes his sandwich away.

"Someone offered me a chance to make a lot of money, travel around the world, be in charge of my life. Yes now, I realize it was a stupid thing to do, but then it seemed like the answer to everything."

"You always drilled into my head that if I even touched any kind of drug, that you will kill me dead. If I jokingly inhaled someone's second hand smoke, you pinched me and told me to stop being an idiot and now you're telling me...no...I find out that you moved drugs around the world, as an occupation. Really?!"

"Because I've seen the lowest of the low from it J!"

"What kind of drugs did you, import?"

"Why does that matter?"

"I wanna know!"

"Heroin."

"Can't that like kill people?"

She nods and immediately thinks of Nicky. Her eyes begin to water again, as her son will forever associate her with this world she's tried to put behind her for so long.

"Have you ever seen anyone die?"

Her eyes harden, "I... know plenty of people who have because of it, okay? And even more who came close, but got lucky."

"So if mom was part of this too... how did you really meet?"

"I've never lied to you kid. We met at a bar."

"And?"

"And what we told you was true. Your mom and I started dating, she came with me just to keep me company."

"Why would you let her come with you, knowing all of this was illegal? If you really loved her?"

"It was my way of keeping her close. I needed her, one time, I was desperate. It is my biggest regret, letting her do that run for me in Belgium. It still eats at me. Her conscience was so strong, I watched her crumble to the ground. Nothing is worth seeing that."

He tries to fight his disappointment. She remembers the look on Piper's face on a regular basis, devastated that her girlfriend let her do something that she didn't fully understand the danger of. But now describing it to Jamie and having him look at her with such similarity was too much. She stands up from the table, "I need a beer."

She grabs a bottle from the fridge, slides around the objects in the junk drawer until she finds the bottle opener. The sizzle from the popped cap leaves the mouth of the bottle, the metal cap is the only thing heard in the room. She takes a sip as she walks back over to the table, setting her bottle down before slumping back into her chair. Jamie looks at her displeased.

"The last thing I wanted was to have you look at me like that."

"Well how did you think I would look at you?"

"I guess I'd hoped to never really have to tell you," she says with a shrugged shoulder.

"Didn't it ever scare you, knowing that you could get caught?"

"That's the thing, I was young and didn't think I would get caught. I was in control, sure of myself and then I met your mom, and not right away but eventually I split my focus, and slipped up enough to compromise some runs..."

"Runs?," he interrupts.

She inhales, "drug runs."

He nods and exhales, of course.

"I was threatened, they threatened to hurt your mom and I was genuinely afraid. They knew I had someone in my life that I truly cared about and they could use her to get what they wanted out of me."

"And so you lost her again."

She nods, "I made her want to get away from me. I pushed her away."

"Yeah? What did you do?," he asks without an ounce of pity.

"It's a long story babe," she says and takes another sip of beer.

"Well luckily, my day is wide open," he looks at her in a way that says neither of them are leaving until all of his questions are answered.

She inhales and tilts the beer toward him in silent offering.

What?, his eyes widen at the gesture, is she really letting me drink beer? He lifts his hand to take it, but it hovers momentarily as he looks up at her warily.

Her breathing ceases as her son looks her over, judging her motivations and most likely, her integrity. The heat in her body rises, she can feel her cheeks flush, while her hand gently swirls the liquid in the bottle. Please take it.

His fingers surround the bottle, he looks into her eyes as he drags it back towards his chest, before bringing it to his lips to take a sip. His face contorts in disgust, causing muscles that she hasn't used in the last hour to turn to form a smile and she chuckles. He swallows down the contents and nods as if this was the appropriate thing to do. Over the following hour, he grills her, asking anything he possibly can think of, leaving all sympathy behind.

When she hears their front door unlock, initially she's relieved to not have to endure this alone, but then dreads the look she'll have to see on Piper's face. Piper and Harper walk in, Harper is almost immediately asked to leave.

"So," his voice wavers, unable to believe he has to hear this from his other mother, "have you ever been to Belgium?"

She looks at Alex curiously, the brunette averts her eyes. She answers her son skeptically, "yes?"

"For what?"

She's caught off guard, not knowing Alex had planned on telling him today. She's unprepared for the looks she's being given, nor his tone.

"I just traveled there," she tries to say as nonchalantly as possible. She knows it's coming by the look on Alex's face but cant bring herself to tell her son she was an ex-con.

"Even now, you tell me nothing!," he says upset, "like I have no rights to know anything! This place is like prison!"

The word vomit spews from her mouth, "this place is nothing like prison..."

"Well you would know, wouldn't you?!" He pushes back hard from the table, the chair legs screech across the floor, he gets up and walks out of their kitchen.

And just like that, it's out there. Her chest feels like its on fire, like she's been stabbed in the middle, the muscles tighten around the wound. When she can, Piper stands to go to his bedroom to talk to him; the brunette's hand grips around the blonde's forearm and raspily mutters, "let him be."

After what feels like a lifetime of silence he returns, "can I just say, and maybe I'm drunk, but I think I'm more pissed off, that you took such a long time to tell me."

As if being awakened from her journey to meet her maker, his foggy words are intercepted by the aroma of the beer off his breath, she looks at him, "did you drink...," she turns to Alex, "...did you give him beer?"

"Hey, he hates me okay?! It was just a sip!" Piper turns back to him and he catches eyes with Alex knowing it was definitely more than a sip.

"I don't hate you," he shakes his head slightly in clarification.

The brunette pulls her lips to the side in a small frown, she's glad to hear those words, but can't help like she forced a part of her son's childhood to end today. He sees the guilt written all over his ma's face, he bites his tongue as he carefully chooses his words, "it's like, I knew you weren't a Sunday School teacher before I was born...," she cant help but laugh at the thought, "but I didn't think this was what you did either."

"Yeah," she uses all her remaining energy to push herself up.

"Just give me a chance to..."

"What? Get used to the fact that your mom used to be a drug dealer?" Her hand rests on her hip, her other hand drags across her face, upset that her reality has come to the surface before she felt ready.

"No." He tries to form his feelings into words, "that you were a different person before I came along."

She lets go of the breath she didn't realize she was holding in. Her hands cradle his head, as she plants a long kiss on his head, "lemme go check on your sister."

Piper finally takes the seat beside him, "and you!," he says judgingly.

"What?"

"She said she told you from the beginning that she worked with drugs, why would you stick around her?"

Her mouth drops open slightly, her eyes bury into his. She inhales and thinks to herself, why? "Why'd you take the beer?"

"Be-cause shes my mother?"

"No no no," she says wagging her index finger, "so you would've taken one from me?

"No way," he laughs.

"Why not?," she says pretending to be offended.

"Because I know it would be some sort of trick and then you'd punish me for taking it."

She nods in agreement.

"I don't know, when she offered it to me, she really wanted me to take it, like it was okay, cause she was here."

"Mmmhmmm?"

He looks at her wide eyed, like what else do you want me to say? "I hesitated at first, if that makes you feel better. I didn't take it right away."

"Yeah for like what? A second? I hesitated for a hot second too when she told me she worked for an international drug cartel."

He cocks his head intrigued.

"She just has this thing about her, where you know what you're about to do isn't exactly right, but you feel compelled to do it anyway. Is it her charm? I don't know. Around her, you feel a sense of safety, protection."

"Yeah like, she wont let anything happen to you," he adds.

"Yeah. It's a taste of danger with her being your lookout."

He raises the beer as he's seen the adults do when they agree to something.

"Give me that," Piper says swiping it from his grip. "It's a weird trust, because there were times where she didn't come through for me, but I trusted her time and time again."

"Yeah like her going out of her way to embarrass me when I thought she was being cool about Lauren coming over to work on our project."

She laughs, "mmmhmmm."

"Like even though she did that, I still have Lauren come over."

"She just has that quality."