If anything, I feel even less sure of how I feel now, than I did writing those lines three days ago. Since then I have felt on edge whenever the Captain, or Jack as I am supposed to be trying to call him, has entered the same room as me, I almost flinched when he rested on my shoulder as he read the report I had open on my desk at the time. I have felt as if he has been constantly observing me these past few days, but I daren't look back in case I catch his eye, I know I would blush immediately if I managed to do that, giving the game away entirely. Whatever 'the game even was'… I'm not sure about anything, I can't even be sure that he has been watching me, perhaps I only imagined it, perhaps I wanted him to be looking at me. I just begin to talk some sense into myself, tell myself that I am confused because I am so energy drained; and then I see him grin as wide as can be, or walking so quickly that his greatcoat flares out behind him, or hear him say my name the way he does…. And my heart skips a beat, and I'm back to square one.

And if all of this wasn't confusing enough, I still can't stop thinking about Lisa. It's perhaps the only thing that I am sure of at the moment, that I still love her with all my heart. And the thoughts I've been having lately about the Captain make my chest ache with guilt. She loved me and I let her down, I let her die. Every night I still put off sleep out of fear of dreaming, when I eventually do fall into a rather light and disturbed sleep I always see the same images. Her screaming with pain, Dr Tanizaki's mangled face, her dead body, well bodies technically. I wake up crying or screaming.

After further research into the Brecon Beacon disappearance, I have found several other cases like it, and have compiled my findings into a detailed report in a nice shiny folder. I decided this morning to actually brave giving it to the Capt… Jack.

For four days now I have managed to avoid prolonged interaction with him, for whilst I don't know how I feel, I know that every time I start talking to him thoughts about how I feel are racing all over my mind, simultaneously heating up my cheeks. I simply haven't been able to risk any form of flirtation happening; right now I think I would literally die if he even winked at me. Anyway, it seemed to go alright delivering my report, at first at least, I walked into his office and placed it on his desk.

"When you asked me to research unusual deaths in the Cardiff area, I picked up on some strange occurrences in the Brecon Beacons; I thought it might be worth checking out." I smiled politely and made to leave after that.

"Ianto have I done something to upset you, I get the impression you're avoiding me?" Jack said, with a hint of genuine concern.

"Not at all Sir, I've just been rather busy that's all" I lied.

I was still calling him Sir to his face, Jack just doesn't feel… right yet… not to say out loud at least, so I'm practising in here for a little while.

"Awesome, then could you please say occurrences one more time in those beautiful Welsh vowels of yours that I do so love to hear?" He said grinning as he saw the desired reaction, my blushing, take place.

I left without another word, I hope he doesn't genuinely think I'm avoiding him, I mean I know I am, but I don't want him to know that! I feel like I am some thirteen year old girl, writing in her diary about what she does and doesn't want a boy to think about her. Brilliant.

He seemed to think that I was on to something, especially after I intercepted a police call this afternoon describing the disappearance of a young girl out near the Brecon Beacons under peculiar circumstances. So it was decided that tomorrow morning we would head of bright and early for a camping trip to, wait for it, the Brecon Beacons.

I wasn't sure whether to be honoured that the Cap… Jack (old habits die hard) had asked me to join them or annoyed to be off camping. I hate camping. But it is my first proper mission after all, I don't know what will be expected from me, I assumed I will mostly be staying at our campsite as back up. But by the way Jack said

"I think you're ready now"

I got the feeling that he was implying it would be more than just that. We shall have to wait and see; despite myself I am just a little bit excited now, only 8 hours until we depart!

I arrived earlier than everyone else, except Jack of course, with a flask full of coffee at the ready. I'd worn jeans and a zip up, I didn't think that a suit was suitable attire for a camping trip, but apparently Jack disagreed.

"Where's the suit Ianto? I don't go around saying how hot you look in it for a joke!"

I thought about suggesting that I go home and change, but I think that he was joking just about, especially when he added that:

"Ianto without a suit is like me without my coat!"

"I still love that coat." I couldn't help myself from replying.

He just laughed. The journey down was unbearable; I was sandwiched between Gwen and Tosh. Tosh had wanted to sit in the back with Owen, but Owen had called shotgun and Gwen didn't want to sit in the middle because she needs to look out of a window or she gets 'travel sick'. So that left me with the worst seat in the car, especially as I kept caching the C... Jack's eye in the mirror. Owen didn't shut up complaining for the entire journey, using his whiniest voice to add extra emphasis to his distaste. I didn't dare admit that I sort of agreed with him, he would have been smug for weeks.

We got the tents set up ok (with no help from Owen), but then Gwen had to start that conversation. I felt Tosh's agony as she said Owen's name as her last kiss, you can tell it meant a lot for her, and he didn't even remember it. I felt even worse for her when he said his last was Gwen's, even though it was obvious something had happened between the two of them by the sheer tension there was when the two of them were together, I think Tosh had been ignoring the obvious.

My ears pricked up as Jack began to speak, I wondered if he'd confirm what I thought had amongst the horror on that awful night. He didn't, he made a joke of course, typical Jack… but he didn't not confirm it either. Suddenly I realised it was my turn, of course it was Lisa, I think Gwen knew what I was about to say before I said it, I saw the regret in her eyes at bringing up this conversation as she looked at me then, but I couldn't stop myself snapping at her a little bit. After which, Jack gave me a long and brooding stare, which was impossible to decipher. I couldn't tell if he was cross with how I had spoken to Gwen, or sympathising with my grief, or wondering if I was afraid to admit that it might really have been him I had last kissed, and not Lisa. I couldn't stand to hold his eye contact any longer. I think I had upset Gwen a little; she went off to collect firewood with Owen, which in turn upset Tosh. We were off to a great start.

Not only did they gather the firewood, they also found a body! Completely stripped of, well everything, right down to the bone. I wasn't sure what to do when we arrived, so I put up the hazard tape around the area, nobody told me to stop so I assumed that, if it wasn't right, then it at least wasn't wrong.

Bloody Owen. He only went and left the car keys in the SUV. As it turns out that body was some sort of a decoy, to get us away from our vehicle, were stranded. I ran a tracking signal on the SUV, anticipating what Jack would want, and found that it was 'parked' not too far from where we were, it might be a trap, but we're Torchwood traps are what we do apparently.

The last 48 hours have been hell, literal hell. After the night Lisa died I thought I would never have to go through something as dangerous or traumatic or emotionally draining again, or at least not for a very long time. In so many ways this has been worse. Jack sent me and Tosh off to fin the SUV, I remember feeling pleased to be ushered into the life of fieldwork gently, how foolish I was.

I still am glad that I was paired off with Tosh; I hope she doesn't resent me for not being able to avoid what happened to us. If I had been more experienced, maybe it wouldn't have happened. In the darkest moments I really did enjoy her friendly company. I can't remember everything that happened, yet. Owen says I have a concussion and that memory loss I usual, but that it will come back. I must say I really don't like what I am remembering.

I was sat alone in the dark, with her unconscious body beside me. I had no idea what to do, how on earth was I supposed to get us out of this, get Tosh out of this, I couldn't help feeling responsible for this all. They had taken our guns and locked us in a cellar, I armed myself with what appeared to be a meat hook, I didn't want to know why that was here.

I was so relieved when Toshiko woke up, even if I had to admit that we were trapped without armaments. I was nervous as hell, but Tosh still had that expression on her face, yes she was scared but at the same time fuelled with adrenaline and the tiniest bit excited. I couldn't fathom it, I do regret getting angry with Tosh, I wasn't truly angry with her, only angry with myself. I hope she isn't upset with me. I remember something about shoes, lots of shoes. A fridge, piled high with… I still feel sick recollecting it all.

Then they came for us. I tried attacking, it did no good, and I ended up hand cuffed. I hated seeing them treat Tosh the way they did, so roughly, and the way he was touching her… I had to do something, I sacrificed myself to let her escape, I owed it to her. Not that it did much good in the end; I woke up, gagged, to find that they had brought Tosh back along with Owen and Gwen. Just as I had begun to give up hope Captain Jack Harkness arrived, our knight in shining armour, guns blazing. It was like something from a film, his sheer ruthlessness; I don't know how he does it.

I'm back at the hub now, I don't know what time I'll leave, I don't want to face going home to bed by myself. It had been bad enough the past few weeks, but now I don't think I'll be able to sleep peacefully for a very long time. I feel sick to the stomach, every ten years. Every ten years they murdered innocent people. I just don't understand it. And then there's what happened with Lisa, the people she killed, the way we killed her. It was all too much. I knew what I needed to do now more than ever.

"I think I might be in need of that talk now Sir." I said to him, and we walked over to the sofa.

"I think you're right" He said with a forlorn, but comforting smile. Where to begin?