A/N: Hello lovely readers! This chapter is mostly a filler to try and explain how Ianto and Jack went from friends and colleagues to well... more than that ;) I don't know if this is how RT Davies pictured it, or how you all pictured it, but this is how I see it I guess. Ianto has been attracted to Jack from the beginning but it took losing Lisa and the incidents with the Cannibals to bring this to his realisation, and to give him the feeling that he ahd nothing left to lose by acting upon hi feelings. I hope I've managed to convey this in this chapter... As always, I hope you enjoy the read! Hannah xxx

We stood by the sofa for a minute or two, Jack was ushering for me to sit down. Before I would, I tried desperately to get out a few words; the huge lump in my throat prevented me from this. I knew that the second I started talking I would cry. I didn't want to cry in front of him again, what would he take me for? I was Torchwood, I was supposed to be strong, and fearless and excited by all this danger, maybe I shouldn't be here?

Seeing me battling hard with my emotions he offered out his arms for a hug, without thinking I accepted. I regretted it almost instantly for, whilst it gave me a great comfort to be in the support of his embrace, the way my mind eased over as I breathed in his scent and the way my skin tingled through my shirt where his fingers came into contact with it… frightened me. I pulled away quickly and decided that the sofa was suddenly a marvellous place to be.

I sat there and told him everything. I didn't want to make eye contact, it would make it harder, but he turned my chin to face him, whilst I spoke about how much I still ached from the loss of Lisa, the nightmares I've had about that day. How I feel swollen with guilt any time I feel remotely happy, or forget about it all for more than just a second, but how at the same time I long to forget it. How much I regret my hasty actions, in endangering the team, despite the fact all had been forgiven. How I don't know what I would have done if one of them had died. How it really was all my fault, Lisa being turned into one of those awful creatures and suffering each day, me breaking my promises to her. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheek at this point.

He wiped one away from my cheek and I didn't manage to withhold flinching slightly at that, but I don't think he noticed.

"And these last few days" I continued, "Being held hostage by those monstrous people, surrounded by such horrors, all the death and suffering. On top of everything else it has just made me feel numb, there is such evil in this world that I never thought I would have to endure, and I almost can't bear it." I finished, though how audible I was through the sobbing I am not sure.

The Cap… Jack gave my hand a firm squeeze and looking me right in the eye replied: "I can make it all go away if that's what you want?" His smile seemed encouraging but his eyes were pleading with me not to say yes.

I knew exactly what he was suggesting, that he would give me just enough retcon for me to forget everything that happened after getting my first job back at Torchwood one.

"No." I replied, quite firmly, my tears nearly gone now. "I don't want to forget all of the wonderful times too, the good times make that bad ones worthwhile." In my head I said that I didn't want to forget him that he makes the bad times worthwhile.

Jack breathed a sigh of relief at my answer, it had been the first and only time I'd seen him show a sense of doubt. "Good because I don't want to lose you Ianto".

I didn't want to read too much into it, but it made me feel so good to hear him say that.

"You must never feel like you are alone, I am always here for you to talk to. Right now, I think the best, and perhaps the only thing, you can do to make things better is to get some distance. Take some time off, there is a lot of death and violence tied up with Torchwood, but there is also so much wonder and goodness. It may take a while before you can see it again, but it's there." He finished with a smile so genuine and so caring, unlike the usual 'Harkness grin'.

Then suddenly I made a mistake I am sure I will pay the price for, for well pretty much ever. My heart was pounding, nobody had said anything for a good five minutes, but we hadn't broken eye contact in this time. What he had said was so elegant and beautiful… and the expression behind his eyes seemed to be coaxing me in and I felt that the pressure was rising.

So I kissed him.

In the heat of the moment, and in my emotionally wrecked state of mind I kissed him, and he kissed me back. It only lasted for twenty seconds, maybe less. Perhaps it was even less than ten seconds before I pulled back, apologised and ran away.

Literally I ran up to the tourist office and continued running home to cry all over again.

I knew in my heart of hearts that this was what I wanted, and had been for quite some time, but I was so confused, I had never felt like this… for someone like that… before. And then there was Lisa, I still love Lisa… And it is all such a mess.

But my mind keeps drawing me back to that brief moment; if he kissed me back does he feel the same? Or does Jack's 'flirt with anyone' attitude extend beyond just flirting? Then there is the way he always looks at Gwen, the way he acts with her, so differently to everyone else, would I be second best, a causal fling? Did I want a relationship at all? I honestly don't know what has happened to me, I can't stop thinking about this and then, in between that, all of the recent terrors I have witnessed. Quite frankly I am not sure which bothers me the most. My sanity is in tatters.

I woke up this morning with the full intention of not going in to work, after all Jack had said that I could use some time away from it all, and after what happened… I didn't know how long it would be before I could face him again. I still don't. I ended up going in, but shut myself away in the depths of the archives, avoiding him completely, I hope none of the team has picked up on anything strange going on.

I knew that I wouldn't have been able to have a whole day in my apartment, on my own, with nothing to do. It would give me far too much time to think and reflect and regret. Paperwork would keep me busy and occupied and hopefully distract me a little from the tornado inside my head. It had helped so much, pouring everything out like that to Jack, I knew there was no chance of that happening again anytime soon, but I wonder if talking to Tosh might help too. Could I tell her about this whole thing with Jack too?

In the end I didn't run the risk of heading back up to the hub for that chat, mainly for fear of running into him. I didn't even go up to make coffee. I just stayed down there, cowardly and hiding.

And then he had to come down to the archives. He never comes down to the archives, was he looking for me? Am I that predictable?

"I told you to take some time off he said" Grinning as ever, just like nothing had happened that would incur the slightest bit of awkwardness.

I can't say I felt this same sense of ease.

"Needed something to take my mind off everything Sir" I replied, without eye contact.

"All the same, you've been through a lot, at least leave on time today, and don't pull one of your classic midnighters" I still hadn't managed eye contact.

"Ianto, will you please look at me" I did as I was instructed, reluctantly.

"I get the feeling you're avoiding me. And if this is about what happened last night then please talk to me about it." He said, with a more serious tone than before.

How was I expected to talk to him about it, when I couldn't even fathom everything out to myself? Sensing my hesitation, he continued:

"Ianto, we can make as much or as little a deal of what happened last night as you want. If you want to pretend that nothing happened then we can forget that it did." He said, but his eyes said something else.

"No, that's not what I want, I just… I … I'm so confused Sir" I said, just about holding eye contact throughout.

He put his hand on my shoulder as he spoke, causing me to flinch, "It's ok to be confused, you've been through an awful lot recently, and I gather all of this… is relatively new to you", smiling encouragingly.

"My thoughts are just so scattered lately, and I don't know right from wrong anymore, I think I still love Lisa, but then there's you… And the way you make me feel when you talk to me like I'm the only one in the room, or you're stood so closely to me that I can feel your breath… And it scares me just a little, how chaotic all these thoughts are." I said, as I noticed that we had gradually moved closer and closer together, I thought about moving away, but I stayed still and continued: "But I think, even though I am not sure, that I know what I want." I said, hoping he understood what I was trying to tell him, I just couldn't phrase what I wanted to say properly.

"Well, if what you want is what I think you want, then I think I want what you think you want to" He replied with a wink, mocking me, typical Jack.

But I couldn't help laughing at his attempts to lighten the mood before I returned our conversation to its previous nature.

"I just don't think I am ready yet, I need more time." I said praying he wouldn't change his mind and withdraw his… offer?

"Ianto Jones, for you I can wait all the time in the world" He answered me, with a large and genuine smile.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do next, did I shake his hand, hug him… kiss him? So I did what I do best:

"Would you like a cup of coffee Sir?"