A/N: Sorry no update last weekend/Monday. I'm working on a longer fic as I said before. Anyway this one is silly and full of needless fluff and that's probably how these are going to be for a bit; the longer fic is angsty to the point that it's actually somewhat unbearable to write, so I need these little things to give myself a break; writing MORE thoughtful angst is going to be out of the question for a while, most likely. Anyway, enjoy?

Word Count: 730-ish

Pairing(s): John/Sherlock, mentions of Mycroft/Lestrade, Mormor, sorta-Sherlock/Lestrade, non-romantic-Sherlock/others, and John/ladies

Warning(s): extensive talk of sex, dub-con, drugs, the word "penis," mentions of Anderson, Sherlock being sort of adorable, John being "vulgar," slight OOC-ness (they're very tired, OK, that's my excuse), slightly non-progressive view of transsexuals/transvestites (not bigotry), excessive fluff, and "candoodling."

!SEMI-IMPORTANT NOTE!

All dialogue fic. John's script is in bold.

Bed Talk

"John, how many girls have you kissed?"

"Mmm, what?"

"You heard me."

"…"

"John."

"C'mon, 'Lock, it's four A.M. and we just had incredible, romping sex for an hour after two days of no sleep. Two days, Sherlock. That is 48 hours without a wink of fucking sleep."

"…"

"Stop poking me."

"…"

"…"

"John."

"…"

"I've been waiting for two hours and sixteen minutes, John."

"Impressive. Go to sleep."

"John."

"…"

"…Seventeen minutes."

"…"

"Eighteen."

"Forty-six."

"…What?"

"You heard me. Forty-six girls. Surprised?"

"…"

"Please don't look at me that way. It's not like I slept with them all."

"You wanted to."

"…Yeah, most of them. Come on! I'm a man, 'Lock, what am I supposed to say? I'm an animal."

"…"

"What?"

"I'm a man."

"You're barely human, love."

"Thank you for that."

"You enjoy it, secretly. Come on, smile. You know I'm right."

"You aren't."

"…"

"Oh-"

"…"

"…"

"Heh."

"Ah! That isn't fair, John! You can't just halt my negative disposition with your lips!"

"Sure I can, I just did. You were being silly anyway."

"Mm…"

"…"

"How about men?"

"What?"

"How many males have you kissed?"

"Um, besides you?"

"Including me."

"Three, once at some weird University party and one in the army when giving-a-hand got a little more intimate than expected."

"Your views on intimacy never cease to amaze me."

"Heh…. Well, I guess it would have actually been three and a half…"

"...Who was the half?"

"Transvestite, name was Sam. I don't mean she… he… was less of a person or didn't count as a man or anything, but he was always switching pronouns so I never really knew what to call it."

"Oh."

"…"

"I've only kissed three people willingly. Romantically, anyway."

"…"

"…"

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Wow."

"I'm fairly aromantic, and asexual, so. Oh, don't look at me that way, I told you you're an exception. Three is more than I'd even like to say. And I don't know if what I did with Seb technically counts as romantic."

"Hm?"

"I was pretty high and I didn't know what was really going on, to tell you the truth, at least until my pants were— John, you look murderous."

"…The banker?"

"Who else?"

"I'm going to kill him."

"Oh, please."

"I'll kill him, Sherlock. That's rape."

"I knew what I was doing."

"You just said you were - it doesn't matter. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to murder him and it's going to be horrible and ugly and then you're going to get rid of all the evidence and get me off scot free."

"The seriousness in your expression is troublesome, John."

"Maybe I'm serious."

"John…"

"…"

"John."

"I'll consider sparing him. Who was the second?"

"Um."

"Um?"

"…Telling you might make things a tad… awkward."

"What, Irene?"

"No."

"Come on, tell me. It can't be—"

"Lestrade."

"…What, really?"

"Yes, first year we knew one another. He was helping me through… everything, and we were almost friends and, well, he came over one night to check on me and that was that. Largely by accident, really – I was going through withdraw and anxious for some sort of grasp on the Universe, if you will, and he's… well."

"Attractive? Foxy? Fucking hot?"

"Yes, those things."

"…And?"

"Well, if you must know, we… candoodled a bit. I ended up shirtless, him half out of his trousers, but we remembered ourselves somewhere in there and ended up unable to take it seriously; he kept giggling and I kept trying to keep a straight face and… well, we basically forgot the whole predicament, thankfully. I assure you it was all very casual."

"…"

"We watched Will and Grace afterwards."

"…"

"John, you—are your pupils dialated?"

"...I'm sorry, but… I just. The imagery."

"Sorry?"

"Yes, OK, I am aroused, stop looking at me like I'm some sort of deviant. You two are straight out of some sort of, I don't know. Beautiful people handbook or something. If you had a baby it would be a perfect specimen."

"Impossible, John, not only genetically and physically but also because sleeping with Lestrade would be cheating on you—"

"—damn straight! I meant hypothetically, like, if I was dead and watching from Heaven or something as you two got it on in my honor—"

"—and also, gross."

"Gross? Oh, please, don't give me that, you just agreed that he was attractive."

"Yes, but he's also slept with my brother."

"…"

"Still is, I assume, unless the recent weight gain has scared him away... which I doubt. Eugh."

"…"

"They're practically, you know."

"…"

"Married."

"…"

"I told you this."

"No, you did not. I didn't even know they knew each other."

"Didn't I? You must have been out."

"No."

"Well. I thought it was obvious."

"Ah."

"…"

"…Tell Mycroft I apologize."

"No way. Mycroft doesn't know and even if Lestrade told him because they're into that forever-trust-you-with-all-of-my-deep-dark-secrets couple that's not something I'm discussing with him. If you want to talk about your weird sexual fantasies with Mycroft do it on your own time."

"…"

"And you're attractive too, John."

"Pah."

"Oh, don't do the oh, I'm forty, I'm past my prime thing, please. I'm almost that age myself and even if I wasn't, I love you and all your wrinkles and horrible taste in jumpers and lack of height. Especially that, actually, you fit perfect."

"It's impossible not to adore you when you're cuddly."

"I know. I use it to my advantage."
"Bastard."

"…"

"…"

"Were any of them prettier than me?"

"What?"

"The girls. I mean—"

"No. Nope. Not this again."

"You're straight, you can be honest."

"Sherlock you're—"

"John—"

"Shut up."

"Wh—"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"— John, I—"

"…"

"…"

"Kissed into submission yet?"

"…Not quite."

"Really? Okay…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…You're perfect, okay?"

"Hmph. Believe what you want."

"I will. Trust me, after sex with you vaginas aren't even mildly appealing in comparison."

"Vulgar, John."

"Sorry."

"Well, all vulgarity aside, I'm glad you were my first. It's, what did you call it? World-bending?"

"Heh, well, I'm glad you weren't mine. Not like that, just – trust me, awkward sex between virgins is far from mind-blowing or world-bending or whatever, I assure you. That first girl was disappointed."

"…"

"Oh, don't. And for the record, I finished her off, I'm not a total dick. She was pleased."

"You are terribly, terribly vulgar. Just… gross."

"You love me."

"Yes."

"…"

"I love you."

"I know, 'Lock. I love you too. Enough about girls, OK?"

"Okay."

"…"

"…"

"Hmm, can we please sleep now? Kissing is nice, but…"

"Fine. May I lay on our chest?"

"Since when do you ask for things?"

"True."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Sherlock?"

"…"

"Sweetheart, are you awake?"

"…"

"Sherlock, love, come on…"

"Mmn, wha…?"

"Sorry but… shoulder, a bit."

"Oh. Oh, I'm sorry."

"S'okay."

"Should I kiss it better?"

"What?"

"…"

"…Oh. That's rather sweet."

"Yes, well. Do you want me off?"

"Nah, just… there."

"You smell like mango."

"…Thank you?"

"Yes."

"How tired are you?"

"I think… a bit tired."

"Exhausted, then."

"Mmm."

"Goodnight, 'Lock."

"Goodnight, John."

"…"

"…"

"Please tell me that wasn't your phone."

"I'd be lying."

"Auugghh…."

"…"

"No… baby come back… baby come back to meee…"

"Don't call me baby."

"Pop culture, love."

"Don't care."

"…"

"…"

"Who is it?"

"Mycroft. Legwork."

"Noooo…"

"…"

"…Oh, welcome back."

"You're really very warm, John."

"What'd you tell Mycroft?"

"'Bugger off you fat lazy turd,' if memory serves me."

"I love you."

"Hm, I know."

"…"

"…"

"That Lestrade thing is still weird."

"Me, or?"

"No, Mycroft. What you said about them, I just… I don't know. Lestrade's such a normal bloke and he just seems so… so…"

"Cold? Unfeeling? Manipulative? Freakish by comparison?"

"O-Oh. I guess we're… and they…"

"Yes."

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

"…"

"Lestrade is good for him, I think. Don't tell him I said so."

"Well, we all need someone."

"I suppose that's true. A partner, if you will. I've got you."

"Damn straight."

"Hmm."

"And Moriarty has Sebastian Moran!"

"You do smile far too much about that, John. They are trying to kill us."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You have to admit—"

"—no, I don't—"

"—that it's kinda cute in a bizarre—"

"—cute?—"

"—murderous sort of way."

"…"

"Don't look at me like that. There's someone out there for everyone, even, you know. Homicidal maniacs."

"Maybe."

"Definitely. Even Anderson."

"Gross."

"And Sally."

"…Mildly acceptable…"

"…"

"...And Molly?"

"Huh?"

"Molly Hooper. There's someone for her?"

"For her, too, Sherlock."

"Especially for her, should be it."

"There's a real sweetheart underneath that annoying dick, isn't there?"

"You're an annoying dick under all that sweetheart, aren't you?"

"It's a gift, yeah."

"…"

"…Nng."

"…"

"…"

"…Ah?"

"No, no… I'm tired, you're tired, we're spent. We can snog all we want tomorrow."

"Kill joy."

"I'll be a bigger kill joy if you don't get your hands away from my groin."

"…"

"Sherlock."

"Meh."

"…"

"If you're going to turn away can we at least flip it?"

"Mm?"

"I want to be, uh, you know. That silly metaphor? The little spoon."

"Damn, you're adorable, okay, fine. Flip."

"…"

"…Your feet are cold."

"Yours are warm."

"…"

"…"

"Stop scooting your butt against my crotch, Sherlock."

"You're warm. I'm cuddling."

"Yes, well, you're upsetting my penis."

"Yes, well. It's a hobby of mine."

"Really now?"

"Mmm."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Okay, sleep for real now. I'm going to die at the surgery tomorrow."

"Be extra rude to Sarah for me."

"You wish."

"Hm. Goodnight, John."

"Sweet dreams."

Reviews would be spectacular.