After those awkward couple of days things have returned to pretty much normal. I'm still not really sure of what's going on, and still very confused about what I might be feeling for Jack, but it's fine, there's no rush.

Physically, I'm recovered from my first expedition, but mentally I am still drained. I'm not sleeping well; everything has just built up after what happened to Lisa and I still feel in such pain from the trauma of it all. And now with this business with the cannibals, and being held hostage, feeling so useless for not being able to help Tosh… it's hard to cope. I'm still refusing to take any time off work, and Jack is still insisting that I should, he said that if I don't agree to some leave soon then he will have to find a new and unique way of torturing me until I comply. The wicked gleam in his eyes when he said that made me shiver ever so slightly and, of course, made my cheeks flush a delightful hew of fuchsia. This just proves that everything is back to normal.

I couldn't believe how insensitive Owen was to Tosh earlier. Actually, hang about, it's Owen, of course I can believe it. For lack of a better word, he really is such an arse. Firstly he spends the whole morning with Gwen, flirting and making innuendos that were a whole lot less subtle than the Captain's. Then he carelessly kicked that football into Tosh's computer system, causing her to lose all the work she had done for the translation programme she was composing. She'd worked so hard on that. And finally he couldn't just apologise graciously, and admit that he was in the wrong, no he insulted her instead. I made her a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows, the way she likes it. I reckon she'll be in need of a gossip session later as well.

Oh and the team went to investigate an excavation of a skeleton. It was a young woman, shot through the chest Owen believed, she was buried alongside some strange 'metal crab' and, what Jack seems to be referring to it as, a stapler. I wonder if those are all technical terms.

Tosh and I had a bit of a chat last night, but she seemed distracted throughout. I think she finds it a little uncomfortable discussing Owen now that we all know for certain that something has happened between him and Gwen. After a while she said that she was going for a drink so I asked if she wanted me to come along, I could use one myself, but she said she'd rather be alone. She was acting oddly and looked a little off this morning, I hope she didn't overdo it.

To add further to these suspicions, she didn't half give me the weirdest of looks when I was clearing away the cups at her work station, and offered her a coffee. Then again I was making it 'industrial strength' especially for Jack, so I don't blame her not wanting any. He was appreciative however, taking a large gulp while it was practically still in my hands.

"Delicious" he said enthusiastically, even that managed to make me blush.

As it turned out, Owen had it completely and utterly wrong about the skeleton. It was in fact a man, killed by some sort of unidentified trauma, not a woman who had been shot. Nice one Owen. At least it knocked a little his arrogance out of him for a while.

The last couple of days have been relatively easy going, or to put it another way boring. And to top it off, Jack has got Tosh focusing on the admin for a while, trying to give me a break I expect, but what does he have me do instead? Clean out his office. I don't even want to know why half of the things I found were there, I could see the amusement grown on his face as my eyes grew wider and wider at his collection of items.

I asked him afterwards whether it was going to be a permanent demotion or would I be allowed back to my desk at any point soon?

He laughed at that, I like making him laugh, and evidently he enjoys making me blush as he replied:

"Well I only intended it to be a one off, but after watching you bend over like that; I may have to get you in here again sometime soon." grinning devilishly all the while.

He had been working hard on 'the crab' and the 'stapler', trying to figure out what they could be and how they linked back to our dear friend Mr Skeleton's death. So far not much luck, he's brilliant of course, but usually this is much more Tosh's thing. Maybe he's giving her a break too, she has looked awfully run down ever since that incident with Owen the other day. Speaking of Owen, he has also been working extremely hard recently, a first for him. Perhaps he wants to gain back some of his professional credit after his misguided diagnosis, hopefully he's getting somewhere.

One should never speak to soon. Last night was anything but boring. As soon as I walked down into the hub I realised something was wrong, the way that Tosh kept looking nervously between Jack and Mary, and the way Jack seemed oddly guarded, it just didn't feel right. 'The crab' was actually her (?) transporter, she had been sent here as a political prisoner, exiled from her own planet, along with a guard. She had killed him, and then taken the body of a young girl and since being in human form has killed hundreds and hundreds of others. Plucking out their hearts from their chests, the unidentified trauma to the skeleton's chest was her doing.

It was when she had the knife to Tosh's throat that I really started to feel sick at the whole situation. It reminded me so much, too much, of the incident in the Brecon Beacons just a week ago. I prayed that nobody would draw out a gun.

Mary was trying to poison her mind, trick her, the awful things she said… We all love Tosh, even Owen deep down, she's central to Torchwood, we wouldn't cope without her and I hated it that she may have thought this untrue even for a brief moment. I also couldn't stand how she had been used by Mary; I think that Tosh had really liked her, perhaps loved her even. I wonder if Tosh ever felt as confused as I do about those… sorts of feelings, or maybe she was braver than I am and wasn't scared to face up to it.

I'm still more than terrified to admit, even to myself, that Jack is what I want. Even if he was a little heartless in the way he talked to Tosh about sending Mary into the centre of the sun. I don't resent him for it like I would have done if it had been Owen who had said it. I recognised the look in his eyes as he said it, it was disappointment. He was disappointed that she had gone behind our backs and brought a threat into Torchwood. I recognised that look, because it was the same as I had seen in him when they had found out about Lisa.

She came to talk to me about it all afterwards, she said she felt so stupid for believing that Mary had felt the same way, when the whole time she was just trying to get to Torchwood. I wanted to ask her about how it made her feel to have these emotions for another woman, but I didn't know how to phrase it. Luckily she brought it up herself, I was a little relieved that she was confused about it all, but she said that it felt right, which made everything worse once more.

She felt foolish for letting herself fall for her, for the wrong person. I told her that nobody can help who they fall for; love isn't a set of rules, strict rights and wrongs. That it was good to experiment, and try something new, take a risk for a brief period of happiness even if you'll end up getting hurt. I only wish that I could follow my own words.

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Jack has just told me that Mary had given Tosh a pendant that allowed her to hear other's thoughts; she must have heard me thinking about him surely? She hasn't mentioned anything, but it would be unlike Tosh to bring something like that up directly.

And other things, about Lisa and what I feel like after going through so much, I hope she doesn't see me as pathetic now. I feel like I am being a little self-centred. If one looks at it from her perspective, it must have been so awful hearing everybody's thoughts, even the ones they couldn't control. I hope Owen didn't think anything particularly Owen-like around her, she doesn't need any more upsetting. I told Jack to go and talk to her about it, and be gentle with her. How it really helped for me to open up to him, and that I thought it would do her the world of good. He said I was right, and went to find her, I hope it helped.

I stayed late tonight, almost midnight, for the first time in a good few days. There was just so much paperwork to complete after today's events. I was also avoiding going home, yet again. I still found the idea of being on my own, with nothing to keep me occupied, to resemble a death trap somewhat.

Now as I sit at my desk I am desperately trying to keep my mind busy whilst putting off leaving, I've got my stopwatch out and I'm timing each minute, concentrating on the hand going by. I said I'd leave after five minutes, but it's already been twenty. Jack came over to my desk, with an almost cross expression on his face at seeing me still here, but he looked pleased to see me all the same. The he saw my stopwatch and burst out laughing.

"What on earth are you doing sat down here with that thing?" he asked.

"Nothing, just watching the time pass" I replied, hoping I wasn't sounding too deranged at this point.

"Fair enough, but I really think we can think of something much more creative to do with such a fine piece of equipment, wouldn't you agree Ianto?" He said eyes sparkling, mouth grinning.

Although I felt my cheeks burning I indulged him with a stammered "Like what Sir?"

If I hadn't already been flushed scarlet, then I would have turned so pretty quickly after his reply. It's far too shocking to commit it to paper and ink, but let's just say it involved us wearing very little clothing, taking part in some form of … race in the hub.

I frequently find myself wondering if his mind can get any dirtier, and so far he hasn't reached a limit. When I didn't reply he simply brushed my cheek with the back of his hand and said:

"I love it when your cheeks turn this colour" and went back upstairs to his office.

I still wonder about whether he really does like me, or if it is all a charade, a joke, to see how far I could be lured in before realising.

The way he looks at Gwen some of the time still bothers me, I can tell that he likes her. But maybe, just maybe, he likes me too. Is that enough? Is it worth taking the risk? I told Tosh that relationships are worth taking a risk for; perhaps I should be brave for once.

Oh and we still haven't managed to work out what the so called 'stapler' does.