43
He awakens hours later, his head still aches when his sight aligns with the light that's coming from his window. His mouth is dry, his stomach is empty and yet at the same time, it feels heavy. The apartment is relatively quiet, he wonders if everyone went out. He lays in bed for a while thinking of his night, it was a good night having freedom, but all the while he was uncertain if that scene was for him. He nervously received an additional bottle of beer each time he finished one, not knowing anything about his limit. The last time he remembered peeing at his friends, house, he remembered leaning on the wall for support, that's when he decided to stop. He wondered if Lauren ended up sleeping at her friends house or if she made it home. He sends her a message and stares at his ceiling.
He gets a message back from her saying she slept at her friends house, and that she was pretty sure she was going to die.
13 was hard. He'd waited a lifetime to find out what suddenly made the adults in his life, stop talking or change the subject, when he or his sister entered the room. And now that he knew, while there was no regret, it was still hard to stomach it all. Whether or not they were really ready to discuss the topics with him, they had, and continued to discuss it until his questions were answered; accepting that he'd reached a new found level of maturity, it felt good. But seeing the people in his life, that at one point he thought knew everything, struggle with things inside, keeping aspects of themselves hidden from some of those around them, made him wonder if this was part of being an adult. "Don't judge a book by its cover. A person is like an onion, having several layers to peel back. There's more to that person than what meets the eye." All of the clichéd sayings made more sense as he got older and as he really got to know the different sides of key people in his life.
After a while of self-reflection, his stomach starts to growl. He keeps his eyes open just enough to be able to see and makes his way to the kitchen where he passes Piper sitting on the couch in their living room reading a book.
"Hey, drunky," she says at a low voice.
Fuck, he curses to himself, for having Alex tell her of his wrongdoings.
"She told you?," he asks her with a hand covering his eyes.
"She told me last night, probaby before you even got started. You still feel sick?," she asks rising to her feet, not waiting for a response.
He looks around for something new to be tortured with, a marching band hidden behind the couch or a plate of rotting meat sitting on the kitchen table.
"They're gone," she says watching his eyes roam, answering his unasked question. "They went to drop off Harper at rehearsal. How're you feeling?," she asks again with a hand on his cheek, checking for a fever, a tactile habit from when he normally looks like this.
"Better, my head still hurts. Are you pissed?"
"I'm...disappointed," she says, her voice trails off into the kitchen. The worst thing she could say.
"I'm sorry. I know it's not an excuse but everyone was doing it and I just wanted to see what it was like, I guess."
"Is it out of your system?," she says sternly, opening a bottle of Gatorade and hands it to him. He takes a sip, her voice raises unintentionally with worry, "Jamie, I'm gonna have a hard time wondering if the next time you'll just want to see what a blunt is like, and then be open to pills and then..."
"Mom!," he raises a hand at her volume, "aunt Nicky already ripped my ass apart and then handed it back to me, all torn up in shreds. Really, do you wanna see? He stands up with his hands on the back waist of his pajama pants.
She scoffs.
"I'm not gonna drink again for a long time okay?" She doesn't answer him.
"Mom?"
Continued silence.
He sighs, she looks at his face pressed against his arm, his eyes shut trying to block out the light.
Without looking at her, he tries again, "I'm sorry," he repeats. "I really wont, I don't want you to have to worry about that stuff." She looks at his guilty face, and looks back at him apologetically, grateful for his attempt at honesty.
She taps his cheek, and hands him the Gatorade. "I'm always going to worry about you, regardless of what you're doing, but it would be nice to know that I don't have to fill my head with thoughts of you and illegal substances. And your friends!"
His hands curl around his head, as she continues, her volume rising, "your brains are still developing! I know you're going to do this again at some point but you're too young okay? I know it's mean, but I'm glad you feel like shit. Afterwards, you will always feel like shit, do you hear me?"
He nods, his arms remain curled over his head, trying to minimize her volume, without blatantly putting his hands over his ears. She pulls his top arm from cradling his head and passes him the Gatorade again, "you're dehydrated, drink this."
He takes another sip and rests his head back down again, "why didn't you ever tell me about aunt Nicky? I don't know if I've said anything in front of her about like people being on crack and stuff."
"She wasn't ready for you guys to know."
"But she's my aunt and mom's best friend, what was I really going to do?" His stomach growls.
"You say that now but maybe if you were younger you wouldn't understand as much," she tells him setting a pack of crackers on the table in front of him.
He shakes his head, indicating he doesn't want any, "why do people do stuff like that?"
"Different reasons baby, curiosity, like you just wanting to know what it's like. An escape from painful situations, people like the feelings it gives them."
He feels nauseated and she can tell he's willing away the urge to vomit. She crouches down to grab the cleaning bucket underneath the sink. He holds the bucket between his knees and leans over it, but nothing comes.
She keeps a cautious eye on him, "the problem is, once that feeling is gone, people want it back and usually require more of the drug to get a similar effect. It's... its so dangerous."
He stands up with the bucket, dry heaving into it, he walks toward their bathroom, closing the door some.
Piper comes in behind him and rubs his back, "babe there's nothing there but acid, you have to eat something." She grimaces at his retching.
After a minute, he slowly stands up and leans over the sink, Piper runs the cold water for a moment and cups it to help splash his face a few times. "Aunt Nicky said she hasn't done it since before I was born," he says through a towel as he pats his face dry.
Her puppy eyed expression acknowledges his statement, proud of Nicky's sobriety. "And she still wants it sometimes. But now she knows how powerful it is and won't let herself do it."
"It's kind of scary?," he says once they get back to the kitchen. "It's terrifying baby. Please promise me you won't...," she's cut off.
"I think it's weak," he says taking half the cracker she broke off for him. He forces himself to eat it.
"What is?"
"Doing drugs to get away from something. No offense to her."
"I think she'd agree with you. I think it bothers her that she still thinks about it and wants it til this day. People always say it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but it does sometimes. Especially when it's people you love right? You want people to see you in a positive light, you want people to like you. It's hard letting people know about your weaknesses."
"Yeah like friends and stuff."
"Yeah and with you guys," she tells him, "you haven't known that part of her, and like anyone else she was afraid you'd think less of her."
"I don't though. I'm sorry she still struggles with it, it must've been really bad." He bites his lip and asks, "does mom go with her because she did it too?"
Her lips parts before she speaks, "mom goes with her so she's not alone," she replies not feeling like the right person to discuss her wife's brief stint.
"But did she do it also? You can tell me."
Always pressing, "you'd need to ask her."
"Well that means yes."
Piper purses her lips and shakes her head.
"I mean it would make sense if she was around it all the time."
Piper exhales, "I can tell you she was never addicted to it, that's all I'm saying about it. Do what you want with that."
Knowing the way his mother viewed junkies, he reasoned she must have been desperate to ever use any kind of drug. He opts to keep the information to himself.
When Alex and Harper come home, she tells Piper she wants to go to dinner with Nicky and Francesca. When Piper insists on her going without her, for Jamie's just now starting to eat, Alex pushes, stating he'll be fine, and she doesn't want to be a third wheel. After much convincing, Harper's told to listen to her brother, Jamie's told to be nice to his sister. He flips through the channels until he finds the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family. Harper runs to her bedroom to get something's to play with as they lock the front door.
Dinner morphs into remembering every embarrassing thing about Nicky, thanks to Francesca's insistence and Alex's elephant-like memory.
"And she used to have this book, that kept track of all the people...," her shin was met with a swift kick from underneath the table.
"Ow!," she laughs and starts rubbing her shin.
"All of the people that what?," Francesca turns to Nicky amused.
"Nothing," Nicky spews through her teeth toward the brunette. Piper laughs while dipping a tex- mex spring roll in the sauce. "Don't listen to her," Nicky says to Francesca while nudging her head towards Alex. She puts her arm around Francesca.
"You don't have to be embarrassed. It was before we were together, I don't care," the auburn haired woman says back to her, rubbing a hand over Nicky's thigh.
Alex chuckles, and Piper elbows her, looking at how embarrassed Nicky actually was.
Francesca breaks the awkward moment of silence. "Was the book for bragging rights," she wiggles her hip playfully against Nicky's, "or was it because there were so many you needed it to keep track?," she finishes, trying to fight her smile.
"It was probably a little bit of both," Alex answers for her.
"I think you need to come with me to the bathroom," Nicky says staring down Alex, rising from her seat.
"I definitely don't have to go," the brunette says, throwing a nacho in her mouth. "I'll go with you," Piper says wiping her mouth and stands up.
"I don't want to leave them alone together!," she says bluntly. Alex shoves her arm, "we'll be fine, try not to hurry back."
Piper drags her away from the ridicule,
"so, you guys have been going out for a while now."
Francesca swallows her drink and nods, "a little over six months now." "Getting kind of serious...," she continues.
"It is," she responds awkwardly feeling as though she's talking to one of Nicky's parents, "things have been going really well."
"So she says as well," Alex confirms her friends feelings. "I know I mess with her a lot but Nicky's amazing..."
"I know, that's kind of why I'm sticking around? You don't have to sell her to me."
"I...," the brunette says slightly offended, "I'm not. I was just going to say, I hope you know what you have. She's one in a million, that one, and you only get one chance to break her heart." She looks up to Francesca, who looks shocked.
"I'm not gonna hurt her, you and I both know, she's had enough of that." She looks toward the bathroom before taking a bite of one of Nicky's taco's and leans it toward Alex as if to ask if she wants some.
Alex snickers, "no thanks," loving that this woman is brave enough to steal Nicky's food. "I know she's told you where we met," Alex looks over her shoulder to make sure Francesca's clear as she takes another bite of Nicky's dinner. "You should be afraid," she says with sarcasm strewn throughout her words.
"You'd think the prison thing would be a little more intimidating," she says setting the taco down and taking a sip of her drink, "but it's not... sorry."
Alex shakes her head.
"Really though, things have been going well. We've gotten into it a few times, but we're honest with each other and have worked it out. I'm glad she has people looking out for her, but you don't need to preoccupy yourself about me," she takes the last bite of one of her girlfriend's tacos. She chews it slowly, Alex plays with the rim of her water glass, Francesca shrugs her shoulder, "I love her."
Alex inhales, her finger stops tracing the pattern, her eyes meet Francesca's.
Nicky flops back down in her chair, and looks nervously between the two women she left behind at the table, "what?"
"Nothing," Alex says without looking at her.
Nicky looks between her and Francesca once more, neither of them are looking at her. Francesca takes her hand, she rests her shoulder amidst the crazy hair and chuckles, Nicky looks down at her plate,
"okay, which one of you ate my fucking taco?"
Without missing a beat, both Alex and Francesca point to each other. -
As the movie plays in the background, Jamie looks around at Harper's dolls on the rug, he's on babysitting duty, though he's unsure if it's because he's grounded once again or simply because he was available and they needed someone to stay with Harper. He zones out.
13 was hard, it was great, being the oldest kids in the school again, watching the 11 year olds figure out how to switch their books and make it on time to class. Groups of friends, places on teams, and leadership positions in clubs, were already established. But trying to figure out exactly who you were, whether you truly fit with those kids in your group, versus being a part of that group simply because that's who you were used to, kept coming up. Sometimes he'd hear a comment that he didn't agree with or his friends planned on doing something, that he was now sure if anyone, who was six degrees of separation away from either of his mothers, learned of his involvement, he would never again see the light of day. Ever.
His thoughts run circles through his mind, as Harper nudges his knee, "cmon, you're not doing it."
He looks at the Barbie in his hand and makes her doll do a runway walk in the outfit he dressed her in. She bends her Barbie's arms up to her face holding a plastic camera and makes shutter noises. After a while, the dolls, along with containers of accessories are abandoned on the floor, they settle in on the couch and watch the marathon.
As their mother's come in, neither of them even budges, unaware that they're home, they're absorbed in the fourth installment of the series.
Alex and Piper walk into the livingroom, "hello?" Nothing.
They stand in front of the tv, which illicit's frustrated "hey's" from both of them, but they still don't move. Piper bends down to kiss them both, "how're you feeling now?," she asks him.
"Fine," he says, his eyes still glued to the tv.
"You have these movies," Alex says to either child who will hopefully respond.
"Yeah but its different on tv," Jamie explains in monotone.
"Yeah it's different," Harper parrots, basking in the glow of hanging out with her brother. She leans into him.
Alex isn't convinced, "how is it different? C'mon I wanna watch something," she whines slightly, sitting on the arm of the couch. She pokes him in his side, while snooping the couch for the remote.
He barely moves, "how was dinner?," he asks, sneakily tucking the remote between the cushions.
She gets up and lays down on the smaller couch, "it was nice," refusing to be distracted from changing the channel. She puts her hand out for the remote, Harper leans toward her and smacks her five.
"Thanks," she acknowledges her daughter, "but remote."
"They show extras and stuff when it plays on tv," Jamie defends their spot in the living room.
"You guys can go in your room and watch it, c'mooooooon," his mother whines.
"But the couch is so comfy!," Harper says leaning into her brother.
She watches her daughter nuzzle into her son, she listens to them quote the movie in british accents,
"this is an age line. Dumbledore drew it himself." "So?"
"So a genius like Dumbledore couldn't possibly be fooled by a dodge as pathetically dim witted as an ageing potion."
"Ah, but that's why it's so brilliant!"
They quote in unison, "because it's so pathetically dim witted."
She laughs and gets up from the couch, "fine," forfeiting her ownership of the tv, she relishes momentarily in their bond.
As he stands around outside of school, his friends, mostly from soccer as well as a few others, are making plans for the weekend, they ask him for his vote on what movie to see,
"I'mmmmm still grounded," he says with a slight frown shaking his head.
"Dammit Vauseman, you gotta be better. His mom is a hard ass," Joey says to their friend Adam.
Jamie nods in agreement.
"His mom has a hard ass," their friend Adam mumbles toward Joey and David.
"Um, fuck off?," he says cutting his eyes at Adam.
"My parents never know anything, or maybe since I'm the fourth one they don't care anymore, I don't know," Joey says.
Jamie continues in his woe as the oldest, "yeah you're lucky, mine know like everything, I swear they bug my phone," he goes back to talking to two of his other friends and Lauren.
"I saw her running the other day, MILF status," David says to anyone who's listening. "Will you shut up?," Jamie turns back again.
"Which one?," Joey asks David to clarify which of Jamie's mother's he's referring to. His friend lowers his brow, "what?"
"Which one? He has two moms, one with light hair and one with dark hair."
"What?! He does? Vauseman!," David beckons Jamie over.
"Well describe her," Adam shoves David, "what does she look like? Did she have long blonde hair? Tight ass? Seriously."
He shakes his head with wide eyes, no, but now intrigued, "why didn't I know you had two moms?," he asks Jamie who's fuming.
"Because you're an idiot," Joey answers for him.
David gives him the finger.
Joey continues, "dude you've been to like 5 of his birthday parties, did you never notice?"
"Guess not. Whatever well I saw one of your mom's, black ponytail, black leggings..." he zones out at the memory momentarily, "...the other day at Morton Williams." He turns his back to Jamie and whispers to the guys, "all sweaty," he pulls his hands out to emphasize her chest size.
"I swear to God if you don't shut the fuck up I will punch you in the face," Jamie threatens, feeling his temper rise.
"Jamie your moms are good looking, just embrace it," Joey says trying to turn this into a positive thing.
"It's fucking disgusting," he says back at Joey,"I'm serious," he says toward David, "shut up." -
He comes home annoyed, and shuts the door to his bedroom.
13 is hard. The main difference between Jamie and his friends, was that they didn't have two mothers. They didn't have two women that came from completely different worlds, but somehow managed to stick together and get involved in illegal activity.
Two parents who served time in a correctional facility, who had to figure out how to start life over once they got out.
Two people who made daily, conscious decisions, in raising him and his sister, with an upbringing to avoid following down roads they once had.
Two moms who wanted him so badly, that they never gave up trying no matter what it took.
Two moms who wanted a second baby, but lied to each other throughout the process of making his sister, in order to avoid any additional pain.
Two moms who provided him with moments where he'd casually open his side drawer to grab a book, and discover that a box of condoms had once again managed to somehow end up back in his room. He sighs, picks up the box, walks into his mothers' room and places it in one of their side tables. He closes the drawer, and goes back to his room.
Later on, Alex comes to catch up with him about his day,
"Can you teach me how to throw a punch?," he asks Alex still irritated by his friends' commentary.
"If you wanna fight someone," she says barely acknowledging his request, "you'd have to ask your mom."
"What, for like her permission?"
"No, I don't fight. I'm a lover not a fighter kid, your mom's the feisty boxer,"she says amused making a few jabs in the air, "not me."
He looks at her suspiciously, she rubs at her calf muscle, he asks, "did you go running?"
Her eyes widen happily, "just a few times, I don't really know if you could call it running through, can you tell?," she asks giving her legs a once over.
"What? No," he says and gets up to go find Piper.
He walks into his parent's bedroom, "did you punch someone in the face?," he blurts out.
"What? No."
"Mom said you did."
"Alex!?," she shouts from their bedroom.
"What? "She walks in with her pants rolled over her knees, walking on her toes to flex her calf muscles.
"Why are you telling him I," she continues at a growl "punched someone in the face?"
She growls back, "because you did." She turns to Jamie, "like really messed this chick up, knocked her teeth out in everything."
"Alex!," Piper says at the irreverence.
"Whoa, are you guys serious or just messing with me?," he asks them both.
Piper exhales annoyed, "one person... and in my defense her teeth were about to fall out of her face anyway."
Alex not wanting Piper to downplay her violence, continues, "she can take a punch though too. And she's hit a few walls."
"Are you seriously doing this?, she snarls at her wife as she absentmindedly rubs her knuckles, remembering the sting from the cinderblock walls of her bunk.
"At least that's how rumor has it," the brunette continues, "I've never actually seen her get punched but she apparently lived twice to tell the tale."
"Okay, I want tips!," Jamie says completely enthralled, "but I also need details."
"I am not giving you tips!," she says astounded that he thinks she'll encourage such behavior. She stops and thinks for a moment, "who are you trying to fight?"
"No one, I just would like to know how to do it without breaking my fingers."
"Well I just did it," she says nonchalantly, "it wasn't planned, and I think it's safe to say I wasn't in my right mind, nor are you if you think you're going to walk out of here and raise your hand as a solution. What's so impossible that you need to resort to raising your fist instead of using your words?"
"Okay Mr. Rogers...," Alex mocks her, Piper interrupts her by hitting the back of her knee causing her leg to buckle underneath her. The brunette walks off into their bathroom.
"It's nothing," Jamie brushes off what was actually said today, "it's just something I'd like to have in my back pocket."
"You're such a bad liar," Alex says from within the bathroom.
"ANYWAY," he shouts, "why did you get into a fight or multiple fights for that matter?"
"This delusional woman said something to me when I was at a low point in my life, and whether or not it was true, I couldn't tolerate hearing it." Feeling somewhat ashamed, she adds, "and she came at me first," as if this justifies her actions. "Did someone threaten to hurt you?," she asks nervously.
"No, no."
She looks at him, pleading for him to tell her.
"No mom, really. Just the guys were being assholes, and I wanted to mess with them."
"Even playing around, I don't want you hitting anyone."
"Mom I know."
"But if you do, make sure you keep your thumb out, don't tuck it in like this," she shows him. He copies her fist and nods.
"So why'd you get punched in the face though? This girl punched you and then you punched her back?"
"I cannot believe you're asking me about this crap. There's nothing else you'd rather know about? I promise this is hardly fascinating. I'm kind of ashamed of it."
He stares back at her waiting for her to continue.
"Ugh, your mother's crazy ex-girlfriend misdirected her anger, toward me, and she hit me."
Alex pokes her head out the bathroom mildly annoyed that this somehow turned around to make her look bad. Jamie turns to her, completely amused at now knowing more than enough information from both of their pasts, the mouths to her, "the one you cheated on?"
She purses her lips and wags her head.
Piper finishes, "and the other one was kind of blur, it was freezing out and I had just finished taking out my rage on this stupid born again Christian..."
"Rage?," Alex interrupts her, "Jamie, she fucked up this woman's face, I'm telling you."
Piper stares at her, if looks could kill, "and this other woman, came outside and started screaming at me and just punched me straight in the face."
"Oh my god, she was crazy," Alex adds remembering.
She glares at Alex, and corrects her, her name was Suzanne..."