I'm not sure I can go on like this for much longer. I think I'm going to have to tell Jack exactly how I feel, and then break everything off with him for good. It's just getting to be too painful, I know deep down he'll never feel the same, he'll never love me back because he's Jack. He doesn't exactly have the biggest reputation for monogamy or conventional relationships, and besides that I know that I will only ever be second best to him. We simply cannot carry on in this casual secretive manner; yes it's all highly enjoyable… and when it's just him and I, he really does make me feel like the most important person in the world. But as soon as the others arrive I'm back to being the teaboy and my heart is broken into a thousand pieces yet again. It had to be all or nothing, and unfortunately I knew it would most likely be nothing after what I'm going to tell him.
What is wrong with me? I just have this all planned out nicely in my head, my actions sorted then Jack calls me in to work at 5.30 this morning, as there have been some strange things going on with the rift manipulator and even stranger reports coming on to the news, and he needs my help. So what do I say:
"On my way now Sir".
As soon as the Captain calls I go running, he says jump, I ask 'how high Sir?' I should have ignored his call.
These news reports really are rather worrying, so far I have discovered Roman centurions in Hyde Park, the Apollo 11 space shuttle in Athens and sightings of Elvis Presley in Dubai. What on Earth is going on?
Jack's rounding up the rest of the team as I write this. I had intended to come in and ignore him this morning, well not ignore him, that would be rude, but ignore the fact that we are… were… anything other than colleagues. I think I managed to do so quite successfully without him noticing anything was wrong, after all I didn't want to seem 'unprofessional' to quote the Captain himself… The only time our paths actually crossed was when I gave him his morning coffee.
Hmm, perhaps he had realised I was avoiding him after all; he was very snappy in this morning's meeting. He'd asked me earlier to look up anything on the ending of the world, the ending of time and space (this is all beginning to look an awful lot more serious…) and yet when I started to read out loud what I had found he criticised my work. For the first time ever. He said it was all just silly superstition.
Oh and Torchwood has messed up big time. I knew we never ever should have opened the rift; it's just caused utter chaos and destruction. All of the cracks in time across the world can be traced back to us.
Jack and Owen are on less than great terms at the moment, Owen of course is bearing the brunt of the blame for what has happened as it was he who forced open the rift and caused it to splinter. He's been sent off to the hospital which should keep him out of trouble, and Toshiko has gone with him; apparently mortality rates have gone through the roof. I'm trying not to get too worried about it all, the Captain has assured us that it's not the end of the world, and although I know he can't be sure, I believe him. Speaking of Jack he's been rather snappy with Gwen as well, she reminded him that Owen had feelings too and he just threw back a snarky remark about her affair with him. Perhaps he hadn't realised I was avoiding him, and is just generally in a bad mood? Anyway they've both gone off now to investigate a call from PC Andy; I don't envy Gwen the car journey alone with Jack in the temper he's in. I was left in the hub alone to monitor the rift.
I was called out to a Weevil sighting and when I brought it back to the vaults (our last remaining vault) Jack and Gwen had arrived back, bringing with them a Roman soldier .I suggested using the lower level vaults as over flow, the disused ones, the ones where I had kept Lisa. And just like that, as I was thinking of Lisa, I saw her. Down in the vaults, surrounded by Weevils I saw her, just as she had been before the Cybermen took her. It all felt so real. She was telling me to open the rift, or people will die. It had to be a hallucination – didn't it?
Tosh and Owen are back, there are people from who have fallen through the cracks in the rift, bringing all sorts of horrendous diseases with them – even the plague. Things are most certainly not looking good. I think Tosh secretly enjoyed going out to investigate, just her and Owen, despite the potential of Armageddon, and I don't blame her we all have to stay positive and if working with Owen made her happy right now then good for her.
I was rather concerned when Tosh mentioned that she saw, or thought she saw, her Mother; who told her that something was coming out of the darkness. It sounded very similar to what had happened with Lisa earlier, is it possible that the rift can bring people back from the dead? Or that someone or something is trying to mess with our minds, corrupt our thoughts so we would open the rift and destroy the entire world?
Gwen has had a hallucination too, of Billis Manger, when she was at the police station she had a vision of him in the cells, telling her he was sorry. What on Earth is going on! Maybe something was coming for us, what Toshiko's 'Mother' had said sounded very similar to something I had researched on Abaddon; I shall have to look into it in more detail later.
Tension is high within the team, Jack has just fired Owen. In all fairness Owen was provoking him, questioning his authority, but I think it was a slightly rash decision. We all needed to stick together tight now. He told us that anyone else, who agreed, who didn't trust him, could leave now as well. Nobody dared say anything. He has my complete and utter trust and always will.
I discovered that Billis runs an antiques shop, specialising in time pieces, Jack has just returned from there now. Gwen had gone with him, but apparently rushed off to goodness knows where after leaving the shop. It's ridiculous I know, but amongst all this chaos and all I have been thinking about regarding myself and Jack over the last few days, I still have the capacity to feel jealous of all the time he is spending with Gwen.
Anyway, Billis explained that he is somehow able to drift between eras, that he can see all of history but belongs nowhere within it. If he wasn't so creepy one might almost feel sorry for him. He was trying to convince them that the only way to put things right was to open the rift fully, that this would solve everything. Jack wasn't convinced, and I'm not entirely sure either. Although digging away at a small corner in my mind is the thought that maybe, just maybe the rift could bring Lisa back, and really could save everyone.
So we know where Gwen dashed off to now, to knock out Rhys. She'd had another vision; Billis had shown her that Rhys was going to end up dead and so Gwen being the determined young lady that she is, is doing everything she can to keep Rhys safe.
She called us from their apartment in a bit of a state, and not really making much sense, all I managed to pick up from her was 'Rhys' 'murder' 'unconscious' and 'need help', so Jack grabbed his coat; we were loaded in the SUV and on our way before you could say stun gun. Damn he looked good in that coat. When we got there she had calmed down a little and could explain everything to us much more coherently, I made her a cup of tea whilst Jack took Rhys's body across to the vehicle. He's currently in a Torchwood cell, CCTV fixed on him, so hopefully he'll be safe.
Sometimes I feel like I jinx things by writing them down in here: 'maybe the rift could bring Lisa back', 'hopefully he'll be safe', 'it's not the end of the world'… the list goes on. I feel like we've all just been to hell and back, or rather we haven't made it back at all, because in no normal world could Jack be dead. He just can't be. He isn't really down in the morgue, with Gwen at the side of his cold, lifeless body, none of this is real, it's just a horrible nightmare. He can't have left me, not without me having told him how I really feel.
In fact all of what has happened in the last couple of hours has seemed like the plot of a very bad dream. I knew as soon as we temporarily lost power that something wasn't right, Gwen immediately rushed down to the vaults to check on Rhys after losing touch with the security cameras. And there Rhys was, lying on the floor, stone dead, surrounded by blood.
I always manage to say the wrong thing in these situations, or rather the right thing phrased the wrong way, I had meant to offer our support to Gwen, to let her know that she didn't have to be the one to tell Rhys's family, that we could do it for her, not that we would cover it up.
Gwen was absolutely distraught; she lashed out hitting the Captain and eventually broke down into tears. All of this was interrupted upon Owen's arrival. He had come back to open up the rift. And this time I wasn't going to try and stop him, there had been enough death and enough suffering and if there was even the smallest chance that it might work then we had to try. It was a ridiculously selfish belief but one that we all shared. Deep down I knew that we should never have been so foolish, we acted thoughtlessly and didn't think the effects through properly, I was only thinking of Lisa and the small chance that she could return. Jack told us that it was a trap and we just ignored him, we were determined. Hindsight could be such a valuable quality if only it could be used when you were about to make the mistake.
Seeing Owen shoot Jack down was caused the most gut wrenching feeling, even if it only lasted a couple of minutes. I had no idea then that he would bounce back to life so easily after a bullet wound, I also had no idea that I would have to go through this terrible, terrible feeling again only a short while later. And this time he wouldn't come back.
Initially after opening the rift, we thought everything had worked out just perfectly. Jack was back, by some sweet miracle, and Rhys's body was gone, as were our unwanted time travellers. Seeing the horrifically smug look on Billis's face was when the realisation that it had in fact bee a trap after all kicked in. Opening the rift had released Abaddon, the creature that I had researched, bringing darkness and death with him. The world was literally dying beneath his shadow.
In the end, I wasn't even with Jack the second time he died this evening, the time that counted, he hadn't wanted anyone else to go with him to face his death other than Gwen. He stood beneath Abaddon and gave him all the life he had to give; it was too much for both of them and neither survived.
And so we come to this hellish situation that we have ended up in. Jack really is down there in the morgue with Gwen, it's not a dream and there's nothing I can do to ever make things better again. I can't even go down there to mourn him properly, all I want to do is to run my hands through his hair and kiss him one last time, but I can't because nobody knew and Jack didn't want them to. I couldn't go against what he wanted not now that he was dead.
All I could think to do was to go to his office and envelope myself in his coat, pretend like it was him I was holding, it smelt so strongly of his pheromones… But even his smell and wonderful coat was not enough to comfort me, nothing would ever seem right again.
It's been a day now, I need him back, I feel like my world has fallen apart around me.
Thank you God. Oh yes, thank you so much. I have often debated about my whether I actually believed in God, but right now I can't see how there couldn't be one. Tosh and Owen had given up all hope; I could see it in their eyes, only Gwen and I held faith.
I needed to hold on, I couldn't accept it, it was like going through everything with Lisa all over again. She stayed by his side, where I longed to be, for hours on end just waiting. Then He woke up. It was a miracle, an absolute miracle.
When I saw him walking across the hub, as casually as if it was any other occasional I could barely stand for shock, I even considered that it might be another hallucination. I rushed over to him, and sure enough he was real. Real and breathing and beautiful. I went for a handshake, as we were in front of the others, but I longed to feel his lips against mine. He must have read my mind, as he pulled me in to a tight embrace and kissed me right there in front of everyone.
We were no longer a secret, he didn't feel ashamed or awkward or whatever it was that he had felt before. After feeling so horrendously heart broken, I didn't think I could ever feel happiness again, let alone feel the happiest I ever have in my entire life. All my doubts from before about us, about where I stand with Jack, are of no importance. He's alive and I love him, and that's what matters.