A/N: Hola everyone! So it has come to that horrible point in the story where Jack abandons his team for the Doctor. I hate the thought of writing about Ianto so utterly broken down and stripped of his love, but needs must and I hope I have managed a good attempt at it. I am slightly apprehensive about the next couple of chapters, as I have no guidance from the TV programmes as to what stories to write etc. so I will just have to wait and see what springs to mind! Hope you are all continuing to enjoy reading this! Hannah xxx

Nobody quite knew what to do or say after Jack walked back in to the hub like that. Owen went first, apologising to the point of tears, Jack didn't get angry with him or raise his voice, or even speak in return, he just held him closely until his tears were gone. I thought we could all do with a coffee and a walk, so I suggested that we go out to get one for a change. Jack told us to go on ahead without him, and bring his back to the hub with us. He needed time alone to think.

I don't blame him; he has had his whole team turn against his command and has just risen from the dead. Twice. I was very reluctant to let him out of my sight now that we have him back , I was tempted to refuse to go but I he squeezed my shoulder reassuringly and said

"We'll talk later, I promise" and gave me a parting kiss on the cheek.

Again, this all happened in front of the rest of the team, I wonder if they are utterly confused about it all, or have managed to piece it together yet.

We had all just got seated in the café when Gwen realised that she had forgotten her purse, it was most unlike her to forget things. I offered to pay for hers, but she insisted that she would go back to the hub to get it.

Secretly, I reckon she wanted some time alone to talk to Jack, and that's why she left it there…

So for now it has just been Tosh, Owen and myself; they've been quizzing me on Jack. I think Toshiko felt a bit upset that Owen knew before she did, I told her:

"Owen wasn't meant to find out, it was an accident. I had desperately wanted to tell you Tosh, really, but Jack wanted to keep it between us."

She seemed reasonably consoled by that, she knows that out of everyone at Torchwood, she is my best and closest friend. This interrogation was kept up for a further 15 minutes or so (although I still didn't reveal the true extent of how I felt, I felt too exposed and nervous to admit that I was in love with him). This lead on to a general chat between the three of us that seemed to be about nothing in particular and eventually all conversation died out leaving us in a comfortable silence. Giving us all time to breathe again, relax and thin everything over.

I've been writing in this for a good 10 minutes now, I think the two of them think I'm making some sort of official log of events, or perhaps a record of rift activity, Hopefully they haven't twigged that it's only a personal diary. I can just imagine the horrors now if they got hold of it.

Why can nothing just be easy and simple and happy for once, why does everything at Torchwood have to become so screwed up and confusing?

Jack has disappeared and there's no sign of him anywhere, he took only his coat and the hand in the jar with him. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest, given back temporarily only to be torn from me once more. How could he leave me now, without a warning or even an explanation? Just as I was beginning to think that he might believe I was important, that he might feel the same way, he ups and leaves without saying goodbye or telling me if and when he'll be back.

Gwen telephoned us while we were still at the café, when she got back to the hub to find her purse Jack disappeared. He was there one moment, then when Gwen had returned from the conference room to the lower floor he had vanished. She'd looked everywhere, but there was no sign.

We arrived to find her frantically searching through CCTV footage, to no avail. He literally had just picked up the hand and ran tearing out of the hub. Was he running away from us, or towards something else? I helped her check through the CCTV in the areas surrounding the hub and we tracked him down to a strange blue box outside, near the water feature. He clung on to it for dear life, and then it just flew of, or rather faded away.

I just can't understand any of it, why would he leave us now after all that has happened? This was so unlike Jack, he was our Captain; we look to him for guidance and command. How was Torchwood supposed to function without him? How was I supposed to function without him…

None of us knew what to do with ourselves now; we were all just there in the hub, in the most unbearable silence, not wanting to come to terms with what has happened. We had no orders to follow, no set actions to take, we were lost. I needed a distraction, but all I could think about was that blue box that had taken away my happiness. So I set to work researching it as best I could. 'Blue box' really wasn't much of a description to go on, but I sat their dedicatedly for hours until almost midnight until I found something.

It was the TARDIS. The Doctor's legendary space ship, which could take you anywhere you wished in all of time and space. The Doctor must have been inside when it left – Jack's Doctor.

He had sometimes mentioned 'his Doctor' and the adventures they had shared, how all this time he'd been working with Torchwood he had also been waiting because he knew that one day the Doctor would come back for him. I can occasionally be a little blind, and hadn't ever thought that Jack's Doctor was THE Doctor. The one who had saved planet Earth a countless number of times, the one who so strongly disapproved of violence, the one who had helped close the void back at Torchwood One.

No wonder Jack had gone running off to him, he must be the most wonderful person in the entire world, who wouldn't run after someone like that? As I have said multiple times, I had always had the suspicion that I would only ever be second best to Jack, but I had thought that Gwen was first choice. I had been a bit blind to this as well; it was always the Doctor, the knight in shining armour. And now Jack is back travelling with him, like he wanted and I doubt he'll ever come back.

Last night, the full extent of everything really hit home. Everyone else had left by 8.00 pm but I didn't leave at all. After discovering that Jack had runaway to be with the Doctor, I turned not to coffee, but to alcohol instead.

I am not a big drinker, but for once in my life I needed to get so drunk that I would just forget about everything, block it all out for a while, and forget who I was. The love of my life had abandoned me for a better man and I had no hope of ever getting over him.

Without Jack there was no Torchwood, and without Torchwood or Jack I had no purpose. All in all, I had every right to be depressed. The alcohol did nothing to help me block anything out; in fact it had the exact opposite effect and managed to heighten my misery at this situation.

I had taken the Whisky from his office and just sat there, sobbing and sipping simultaneously, in the middle of the floor. Then I got up and started searching frantically for anything around the room that would remind me of him, a photo or perhaps even something that just smelt like him. Clearly I didn't find anything that would do the trick as I went down to his bedroom to continue my hunt.

I collapsed onto his bed the second I smelt the familiar whiff of 51st century pheromones rising from it. I took off my jacket and got inside, wrapping myself in as much duvet as possible, just trying to pretend he was there holding me. I finished off the rest of the bottle lying there, remembering the two of us being here together, and I just broke down in to tears again.

I don't remember falling asleep. I lay there crying for several hours after which I must have passed out I reckon; I don't think I truly could have been asleep when I had so much on my mind.

Tosh found me this morning at about 9.00, it was all horribly embarrassing. They had all arrived at normal time, they didn't know what else to do, and were most surprised that I wasn't there yet. They left it a couple of hours before they started to worry, they tried checking the security tapes and had seen me go in to Jack's office but not leaving (Jack didn't keep a camera in his office, than goodness). Then they noticed that the line for my communicator had been left open and I could be heard snoring, so they went off to investigate.

I must have looked in a right state when she found me, eyes red raw from the crying, breath smelling heavily of alcohol, empty bottle strewn across the floor along with my jacket… It was all so unlike me.

I didn't want to face the others like this straight away, so she sat with me, talked with me for a while. I told her everything. About how much Jack had really meant to me, about how much I loved him. How I knew it was ridiculously foolish of me to let myself fall for him, because I knew I would end up getting hurt, and how even now all of this pain had been worth the brief happiness. About the way he had made me feel when we were alone, like I was genuinely important, and at the same time how small he had made me feel when he flirted with Gwen in front of me. I was genuinely at a loss as to what to do; my whole world had been torn apart from the foundations. But Toshiko was brilliant as always, she just held my hand while I blurted all of this out, and looked me straight in the eye and said

"Ianto, you are important. And we need you now more than ever, because if Torchwood is going to survive without Jack all of us need to pull closer together. We all miss him, we all feel shaken and betrayed. I understand that it so much worse for you, but I believe that we just need to carry on going, for the sake of Torchwood, the World and our sanity."

Nothing could stop me feeling like my insides had been ripped away and my body had been stripped of its soul, but Toshiko has shown me that I must stop feeling sorry for myself. Last night I was selfish, my reality may have been shattered but we needed to move on for the sake of everyone else's.

She has promised not to tell the team about the mess she found me in, she reckoned they wouldn't believe her anyway as my actions were so out of character and will most certainly never be repeated. We're going to tell them I was working late and fell asleep down in the archives, I still have my spare suit at work and so will face them bright eyed and bushy tailed. I hate lying, but sometimes it's for the best. Tosh is right, we must carry on.