Time seems to have changed since Jack left. How is it possible that these past three weeks have felt like three hours and three years at the same time? It's like in a dream, when time is passing really quickly but you hardly do anything in that space of time, actually it's more like in a nightmare.
I haven't been writing in here much since the night with the vampire. I used to find that writing everything down was such a release; a secret retreat from the world that helped me to order my thoughts. But now all I want to write about is him. The way he smells, the way his hair looks when he's been running his hands through it and tousled it lightly, the way he used to hold me, the way he said my name sending shivers down my spine. The way he has left without any regard for me, how I was never his first choice, the way he wanted to conceal everything from the team, how he would never feel the same way, and how he has caused me so much pain. I shouldn't write any of this down, I am barely holding on to what's left of my reality as it is, and giving in to my thoughts won't help. I feel as though if I start thinking about him for too long a stretch of time then I will never stop. This is the first time I have allowed myself to think about him properly in weeks.
Gwen has fully assumed the role of our leader now, I suppose someone needed to. I have nothing against being commanded by Gwen, she has all the qualities needed of a good leader: confidence; sharp focus; attention to detail… But she hasn't half become bossy since her 'promotion'. She's had us working longer hours than ever before (which in all fairness from my perspective were standard hours) and has been expecting us all to complete our own paperwork now that I was a full time member of the team (which again from my perspective was easily do-able).
However, Toshiko and Owen were somewhat less happy about all of this. The rift has been playing up now more than ever, so we have been having more encounters with Weevils and Ood and even seen the return of the Gelth. Despite the extra hours everyone was putting in, keeping up with the admin was taking a strain on the two of them, so I offered to cover half of each of their paperwork to make life easier for them.
It's silly really, that even now that I am out on missions and at the centre of the action I still enjoy my little research projects and secretarial tasks, plus they make a nice distraction from everything. However, Gwen was fuming when she found out, she said that I should be 'focusing on my own work and not bailing out the other two'. I reminded her that we were a team. That unsettled her gravitas for just a moment and she finished her rant with a
"Fine as long as you don't feel as if it's too much to cope with Ianto."
I got the feeling that she was talking about more than extra admin, I felt a little flattered that she cared this much. It also made me feel bad about what Owen had been saying about her the other day; he's nicknamed her 'The Dragon' because of her fiery temper. At the time I'd laughed, but I felt guilty now, I think she's just coping with the grief and the stress in her own way.
For the first time in months Owen picked up the basketball, and aimed for the next. We were all down in the main floor of the hub, almost finished for the day, and he just scooped it up ever so casually and fired.
"Ianto, as we're a man down you can be on Tosh's team".
He said after retrieving the ball and threw it too me. For half an hour we forgot about everything, all the serious, mind-numbing things were banished from our thoughts and we just had some fun. I surprised myself, and evidently the others, by not actually being terrible at basketball. I'd never been invited to join in before, maybe because they already had two even teams of 2 or more likely because they thought I'd be bad; In fairness I didn't exactly look agile in my 3 piece suit. Owen said that he'd have to remember to pick me next time.
The rift alert monitor sounded at 3.30 am today. I was still in the habit of staying later than everyone else despite our new extended hours and had fallen asleep at my desk; I woke up to the sound of alarms and sight of flashing blue lights. I knew that the others wouldn't be happy at me waking them, but I also knew that I couldn't face a Weevil – or worse – alone, so I called Tosh.
Two was all it really needed and I thought she'd be the most willing, or rather the least likely to bite my head off at such a call. I was right, she was a little drowsy and just slightly grouchy when I spoke to her, but ultimately no head biting was entailed. I'm just waiting now for her to arrive at the hub and then we're off. It seems like ages since I've been paired with Tosh on a mission, I'm quite looking forward to it.
Surprise, surprise it turned out to be a Weevil. We are going to have to start using the lower level vaults again if this keeps up, we're up to 6 Weevils in our cells now, at least Janet has some friends.
There is something different about this one though; it seems more peaceful or at least less vicious, and maybe even more intelligent than others we have caught. We tracked the rift activity down to the bay, and took with us only sedatives and a sack in the SUV; Tosh partially shared my dislike of guns although was more prepared to use one if she had to.
We had a pleasant drive over, without the others we could have a nice little private gossip. I asked her about Owen, about whether anything had happened between them since that kiss at Christmas:
"No" She replied, sounding wistful "I think that he's still hung up on Diane, and besides that, he'll never see me as more than a friend." She sighed.
"That's not necessarily true, he might just need time to see what's right in front of his eyes" I reassured her, remembering how long it had taken me to realise that Jack and I were attracted to each other.
"I doubt it Ianto, he thinks I'm a workaholic geek, he's started calling me 'glasses'…" She sighed once more.
So now Owen was the only one without an insulting nickname... Obviously I was teaboy, Gwen was the Dragon, Tosh was glasses (which I think is a particularly poor effort on Owen's behalf, she doesn't even wear glasses!) and Jack, if mentioned, could be done so under a number of abusive names.
"Don't listen to him Tosh, he's just frustrated and confused at the moment, we all are and we're all taking it in different ways. You'd look hot with glasses anyway." I said smiling and giving her a nudge with my elbow.
She blushed slightly and replied: "I'm not so sure about that, but thank you. You're such a good listener and a true friend"
"Any day any time Miss Sato" I said and smiled.
After that, I could tell that she wanted to question me more about Jack, but I was glad she didn't. Instead we talked for the remainder of the journey about this pub quiz that she wanted us to enter… god help us.
Upon arrival at the bay, I noticed the distant figure, which was recognisably a Weevil, just sitting staring out to the water. It seemed strange not to see a Weevil slashing about the streets, on an animalistic rampage, but still we approached with caution. Upon seeing us, it didn't charge or lunge, just stood up to look us in the eyes. Tosh drew the sedative from her coat pocket, and on seeing this, the Weevil just raised its hand (paw?) in a surrendering like gesture, it was most unusual.
"Put the sedative away a second Tosh, I want to try something." I said, moving closer to the Weevil.
"Be careful Ianto" She said and put the syringe back in her pocket.
I was now stood opposite the creature, eye to eye. I drew out my own hand and was shocked into silence when I received a handshake in return followed by a series of grunts which, although were still not recognisable as words, now sounded more like a language rather than just noise. This was fascinating.
Without sedatives, or sacks or even handcuffs we managed to transport the Weevil into the SUV and back to the hub, no fuss made.
"What on Earth is going on? Its behaviour is so unlike the others, it seems more advanced, more evolved even – could that be possible?" I asked Tosh as we were walking back up from the vaults.
"I don't know, perhaps... the rift is bringing through more and more Weevils, but maybe they aren't all from the same time…" She mused in response.
"Right so the Weevil we've just caught and the others that we have in the cells are from two different points in time, the one we've just caught is from the future and is more evolved than the others?" I asked.
"We won't be sure until we've run some detailed tests, but I think it's plausible yes." She answered.
"I hope we're right, imagine how interesting it would be to be able to watch them develop if we found others from different times." I said.
"It certainly would be fascinating, but right now we both need to go home and back to bed" She replied with a yawn.
"Excellent plan Tosh" I agreed and quickly scribbled down a note for the others letting them know that we'd be late in this morning and telling them to look after our new guest in cell 6.
I didn't sleep a great deal more at home, it was 4.30 by the time I got back and I just felt too wide awake for the thought of crashing down onto a pillow to tempt me. So I thought I might have a go at some red velvet cupcakes. I've always liked cooking, it's such a stress relief, and I haven't made anything for the team since the Christmas cake – not that they actually got to eat much of that as Jack ate his way through half of it, the greedy sweet-toothed man that he is! Damn I shouldn't be thinking about him, focus…
Right, so I made the cakes and they turned out perfectly; the rich red sponge perfectly contrasted by the snowy white frosting. I love the way that people are always fooled by the colourings, no one ever guesses that they're chocolate flavoured, the truth is hidden behind their appearance, proving that things are rarely as they seem. Oh dear, I must be getting tired now, I'm making profound statements about cake. It's too late to attempt sleep though, it's almost 7.00 and in my note I had told Gwen that Tosh and I would be in by 9.30. Better just shower, shave and suit up then fuel myself with a double espresso.
I arrived at 9.25 am, early even when I was being late. The cupcakes went down well, Owen said it looked like I'd made them out of blood and asked if I was taking tips from the vampire we'd found? Just enough time had passed since that incident for us to be able to laugh about it.
Tosh and I filled in the other two on our findings with the Weevils over coffee and cake in the conference room. They were as excited as we had been when we first realised that we may have found an advanced Weevil; Owen set to work straight away to compare samples of our first Weevil, Janet's blood with that of our new edition, Mable. Gwen and I decided that it would be a good idea to run some behavioural tests to see if, and how, they responded differently to a variety of stimuli, whilst Toshiko was going to compare the primeval grunting sounds used by our early Weevils with more developed noises used by Mable. It's nice to be working on a project that isn't a threat to the human race.
Even with all this excitement and possibility in the air, I still can't but help giving in and allowing myself to remember Jack. Every time I think about him I still physically ache, but I was getting used to the fact that I would be forever alone now; it was him and would only ever be him.