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Chapter 9

Jade was Cat's best friend, but Caterina goes to Beck first, because Jade scratches when she's hurting, and Caterina can't take any more guilt. Her hidden question still pulses under her skin, and Jade's always been good at finding weakness. Andre doesn't seem surprised when she asks him to drive her to Beck's house, but turns onto a different street instead.

"He won't be there," he says when she protests, "Beck's not the type to mope in his trailer. He'll be at the park. Or in Vegas."

She almost smiles at that, except that she knows that it's true. Beck may seem like the most laid-back, down-to-earth of their group, but no one that level-headed would have lasted with Jade. She knew—and had heard Jade confirm it on numerous occasions—that when Beck was angry, or hurt, he wandered.

And suddenly, it was essential that she find him.

They split up when they get to the park, partly because it's huge, mostly because they both know that Cat will find him first, and Caterina won't let her out unless she's completely alone. When Andre's dark head is gone and even his shadow is beyond her sight, Caterina wipes away the last vestiges of her tears and orders herself to be strong.

She'd held Tori, patched up Rex, and skipped class, all without letting Cat loose.

She feels guilty for worrying about herself at a time like this.

She's more afraid of losing the new persona she'd built up.

It's like coaxing out a loose memory that flits and flutters while she struggles to catch it, but like a memory, once Cat is out, she grabs control with a vengeance that shakes Caterina. Before she knows what she's doing, Cat is crying out for Beck like the lost child she is and she's running wildly, abandoning the cool control that Caterina always had.

Cat's voice is loud and teary and Caterina fights it, but she can't stop the voice forcing itself out of her mouth—and then she spots Beck by the swing-set and Cat throws herself at him, burying her face in his shirt like they used to do. It's only when she feels his breath catch against her cheek and his arms slide tentatively around her that she looks up, and the look on his face jerks Caterina back in control.

She sits up, wiping furiously at her face. It's not her that needs comforting right now.

They don't speak, but Caterina sits next to him—tall, strong Beck that makes girls stare and swoon who's her friend—and talks quietly about nothing. Bits of nonsense flow from her—Cat's words in Caterina's voice, and now and then she can see Beck's tired eyes lighten, his lips quirk just a bit.

His face is so sad.

Beck's always had the best hair out of all of them, and even with the wind blowing it every which way, he still manages to look like a prince. She stops talking, letting her voice fade away into nothing, and then less than nothing.

The first time she hesitates is because tears are suddenly threatening to crawl up her throat and she needs control. Especially now.

The second time is because she's ready to ask her question, and she's not afraid he won't answer, because she knows he will. She just isn't sure she wants to hear the answer.

He looks surprised when she lets the words slip from her lips, but he doesn't give her the denial that she so desperately wants. Nor, however, does he affirm the suspicions that gnaw at her heart. Instead, he turns to her, and sweeps a strand of hair behind her ear, just like he's done to Cat a million and one times.

"You know," he muses, "You were the only one that I could talk to without setting Jade off." His voice doesn't waver when he says her name, which she assumes is a good thing, but there is a fragility behind his eyes that betrays the fact that he too, is shaken.

Then, she kicks herself because of course he's shaken. After being part of JadeandBeck for so long, could he even remember who Beck alone was? She wasn't even sure she knew who Beck alone was.

No. That was a lie.

Beck alone was her friend, the boy who had given her his jacket when she was cold and confused because Cat didn't know how to deal with cruelty. While Jade attacked, he stood by her side with his arm around her shoulder, and for the first time Cat had felt safe. Protected.

Beck alone was a great singer and a better actor, who'd gone on internships in great places with great names and who'd go somewhere after Hollywood Arts. Beck alone was funny, strong, and went walking whenever he needed to get lost.

She doesn't realize she's talking out loud until Beck smiles. It's a sad smile, true, but still, his shoulders straighten just a little. "You always knew what to say," he said, "Even before you changed."

There. It's out in the open.

Beck had never asked her why, and he wasn't now. Caterina bites her lip, unsure of how to respond, or whether she should.

Andre's loud call makes up her mind for her.

With Andre's too-cheerful grin—he's always been able to hide pain when it mattered—and Caterina's quiet support, Beck feels loved. Because he has done so for so long, and because he is Beck, he wonders who is comforting Jade, and then realizes belatedly that he doesn't really care.

He's so tired of caring for a girl who's too strong to want it, or appreciate it.

"So, man. Whenever you're ready."

"It was over a long time ago—we just never said anything. The fighting, the constant jealousy, everything wasn't right."

"So, what changed?"

"I realized that I wasn't what she wanted, and she wasn't what I wanted."

They know him better than that, but it's all he's willing to give right now and they accept it. The shadows grow longer as the sun moves across the sky, and suddenly Caterina—who remained silent throughout the conversation—jumps to her feet, and grabs the swing next to Beck.

"Watch."

"I know how to swing."

"Just watch."

It's not a request.

Instead of pushing off, she twirls, crackling the chains until they criss-cross in a long spiral pattern above her head. When she lets go, she watches his face, watching it blur as the swing's speed picks up and everything blurs into one long strand of color. She's slightly dizzy when her feet dig into the sand and she stops, but the looks on Beck and Andre's faces are worth it.

"Now, you try."

They spend the rest of the day pushing each other and laughing, twirling and falling when they try to leap off and find that the world is shifting beneath their feet. It's an afternoon outside of reality, until the sun starts setting and the park goes dark. Caterina shivers as a cold breeze breaks them apart, sending them back to earth.

Andre takes them home.

She's too tired to remember that he doesn't know where she lives anymore.