A/N: I'm well aware of the fact that I am really 29 chapters late in making my first author's note… I had originally intended to add some in at the beginning to sort of explain a bit further what I was going to do with this story and introduce my thoughts a bit, but I just sort of got carried away with writing and uploading and all of a sudden I've written something that's nearly 60,000 words and it all seems a little crazy. In fact I might go back and add in some notes for the benefit of new readers… (I ahve done since writing this one if anyone's interested!) But for now, I'd just like to say a really big thank you to all of you who have subscribed and listed this story in your favourites; it's so very nice to know that people are reading (and hopefully enjoying!) what I'm writing. And, of course, thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, I accept all comments and criticisms gladly, I like knowing what others think so feel free to keep them coming! Hannah xxx
After collecting Gwen's last minute supplies along with my own last night, I returned to my apartment to find Gwen wide awake and back in my kitchen, head heavily resting in her palms, eyes still red and tear stained.
"I can't sleep" She sighed.
I couldn't blame her for that, after Lisa I barely had a couple of hours sleep a night and still I struggle with more than five or six peaceful hours now. Losing someone you love, through death or a break up or whatever the reason may be, is unbearable painful.
"Have I done the wrong thing? He was my soul mate Ianto, I'll never find love like that with anybody else, and I'm not even sure I want to. Did I make the wrong choice?" She continued desperately.
I still really didn't know what to say to make her feel better again, to make her smile. Jack was always good with knowing what to say, he knew how to make people feel better, how to make me feel better… I will never again experience that sense of comfort, and calm that he can bring with the right words and actions.
I drew my focus back to Gwen, and leant down to pull her into another tight hug, whispering into her hair: "If you really think you've made the wrong choice, then we can go back to the hub for the retcon and we can…"
"No way" she said cutting me off.
"Well then" I sighed, hating to see my colleague and dear friend battling with such opposing emotions. "With that in mind, you still have a very busy day scheduled for tomorrow, our flight leaves at 9.00 am and we've got to be at the airport for 6.30 so I think, Miss Cooper that bed rest is a sensible choice, even if sleep itself isn't possible." I said, pulling out of the hug and reaching for her hand to lead her back to the guest room.
"Ianto…" She started, as she got up from her seat reluctantly.
"Gwen" I replied, caution ringing true in my voice.
"Can I sleep in your bed?" she asked, in the same manner as a child asking to sleep in with their parent's after a nightmare.
"I suppose, just this once" I replied laughing lightly, changing our direction towards my own room, playing the part of the 'dutiful parent'.
It's funny to think, that not once had I imagined that Gwen and myself would end up becoming such close friends.
I woke us both up especially early, hazarding a guess that Gwen might take a while to get ready and I'd been right. Really, she only had to shower, get dressed and walk out of the door seeing as I had completed her packing for her the previous evening and had made her breakfast and coffee, but we were borderline late even with the prompt start.
Once at the airport Owen started to make a remark about the two of us arriving together but I gave him my most deathly stare and his chatter ceased. I felt marginally guilty for it, but I didn't want Gwen to start crying again, besides it's about time somebody taught Owen to think before he spoke.
We're currently sat in the lounge of the terminal, waiting to board. I was a little apprehensive of making our way through customs with luggage packed so heavily with weaponry but UNIT had secured us special clearance with the airline, making everything run surprisingly smoothly.
We boarded our first plane on time which I was glad about, not just for my own personal dislike of not keeping to schedule, but for the fact that I didn't want to run any risk of missing our connecting flight between Delhi and Shimla. I had wanted to sit with Tosh on the plane, after all, the flight was over 8 hours long and I could do with being near someone with whom friendship was easy and who might allow me a little sleep through our flight.
As I've said, I have grown closer to Gwen, but she would want to have a serious talk over journey and Owen, whilst I was beginning to see him as a friend and not someone who lived to torment me, would be noisy and banterfull. With Tosh, things were always peaceful and simple, we could chat about trivial little things or just relax in a comfortable silence, passing away the time quite contently.
Much to my annoyance, Owen was quick to drag me into the seat to his left. Admittedly, the first couple of hours were fun; we were both equally excited at the prospect of going out in to the Himalayas to face a completely unknown fate and had plenty on the subject to talk about.
But then Owen began flirting with one of the air hostesses… Unfortunately, I was the one with the aisle seat, and so was talked across for a good 45 minutes before the pair mysteriously sloped off to the bathroom together… I managed to sneak in a quick twenty minute power nap then, but any further attempts at sleep after that were completely futile. Owen returned, boasting at now having joined the 'mile high club' as he so eloquently worded it. It was going to be a long journey indeed.
I managed to secure my desired seat with Toshiko on the connection flight, it was only for an hour or so that I was sat with her, but I managed to relax a little in this time, if not sleep. We were both too tired for one of our delightful little gossip sessions.
It's gone 9.00 pm and we're at a hotel now, enjoying the last night of showers and beds before we begin our hike and set up camp tomorrow. We still have no idea what we have come here to face. We packed the prototype, portable rift radiation monitor and had detailed maps of the area so we should get by ok. Plus we have UNIT on standby back in Britain; more than willing to give us help if they can (of course, Gwen is somewhat less than willing to ask for it).
The plan was to get an early start, and begin trekking towards the centre of the low level forests that surrounded the foothills of the mountains; this was where the unusual weather reports and rift radiation reports were concentrated. We are lucky that we've been sent out here during the summer, if it had been winter, we would have been trekking in snow boots and fur lined parkas!
Alone now, lying across the bed in my hotel room, I can't help but allow my mind to wander over to Jack. It's truly been days since I let myself think about him, well think about him more than just in passing at least. I always sink in to a depressive 'funk' after allowing myself to do this, which although is hide able from the team, recalling the loss and hurt that I feel digs away at me and it's not healthy.
And I know I shouldn't, but I need to think about him sometimes. I still love him, with all my heart, there's no doubt about that, and I don't believe I ever will stop loving him. But there is resentment towards him growing in me now. It's been enough time since he left for me to get over the initial feelings of hurt and betrayal, and realise that he has essentially been hurting me from the beginning. I didn't ever realise when we started… when all the boundaries were dropped so quickly, that I would want something more than just a physical relationship.
As soon as I realised I felt this way I should have ended it, severed all ties, I said at the time it was worth the suffering but I'm beginning to doubt that judgement. He must have seen it in my eyes, the way I looked so endearingly towards him, the way I was always so quick to defend him, always more than willing to do what he needed. Yet he didn't try to stop anything either, he continued with our casual affair knowing that it was causing me pain. Was he being selfish? Or was had he simply found a convenient source of affection and didn't want to give it up, whatever the cost? Either way he was wrong to carry on, as was I.
Everything is so confusing at the moment, because at the same time that I am here, writing down these thoughts, others are springing to mind. Of how I wouldn't have given up a second of our time together for anything in the world, how it is better to have 'loved and lost'- that dreadful cliché. My mind is well and truly addled. I think it's time for bed.
Today has been both hectic and strange... We all rose early, wanting to arrive at the destination of our campsite in good time so as to make good use of the afternoon. Gwen and Owen wined all the way through our trek, neither of them used to walking for a great distance, but we made our terminus in good time none the less. Not surprisingly, it was Toshiko and I who were left to put up the tents, at least we only had the two this time. Thankfully, Gwen had learned from our previous somewhat disastrous attempt at the 'snogging game', and didn't mention a word of it as we gathered around the camp fire drinking the hot coffee I had just made. Of course this was before everything became weird…
To be honest, it was fairly weird in the first place to be picking up rift radiation in a location so far out from the rift, but never the less the detector started going wild as we got deeper in to the forest.
We'd taken with us 'essential' weaponry (stun guns, hand guns, tranquiliser, etc…) in our rucksacks and all four of us were feeling heavily weighed down by all of this equipment. We carried on walking though, there was something out in the middle of this forest that wasn't human, and we were on a mission to find it.
After nearly an hour of walking, guided well by Miss Sato and her trusty compass, we thought we had found what we were looking for.
I stopped frozen to the spot when I saw it.
In the middle of the beautiful, green surroundings, was that hideous gun-metal grey beast. I recognised it immediately. It's body covered with a terrifying metal shell, eyes shaped as though tears were falling from them - though of course that was impossible with all life removed from them. I wanted to run, to cry and to shoot the living day lights out of it the second that I saw it, but I just froze.
As the others noticed what I was staring at dumbfounded, they glanced at one another in horror, and then to me.
"Ianto…" Gwen began in a whisper, it hadn't moved yet. "Ianto, are you alright?" She asked panic stricken.
But I couldn't respond.
"Ianto mate, it's going to be alright we'll fight off the bastard. It'll be fine" Owen said, but I still couldn't respond to anything.
The stuff of my nightmares was stood here in front of me, my ultimate enemy and I just couldn't do anything. Suddenly and robotically it turned to face us, but didn't move. We all shut our eyes tight and held our breath as we awaited its approach but it never came.
Gradually, we all prised open our eyes and released our breaths, still it didn't attack. Owen began slowly walking towards it; gun in hand despite knowing the little goof it would have done if it had… As he crept closer and closer, until the two were almost touching, nothing happened.
Owen hit the metal demon on the arm with his gun, the sound and shock of it sending shivers down the back of my neck, what on earth was he doing? Did he want to get killed, or worse converted? But the monster remained fixed in place. He struck the being harder this time, and its arm fell off, literally fell off. That wasn't right, these creatures were indestructible, they couldn't be damaged by bullets never mind by being struck, something wasn't right.
Gwen and Toshiko made their way over to Owen whilst I stayed frozen solid in place, not willing or able to make a movement yet.
Toshiko used a prototype sonic devise that she had been working on to open up the back panel of the creature. It was empty except for a few simple circuit boards, no more complicated than those found in a child's toy robotic dog or similar piece of technology.
"It's not real" Tosh said, amazement colouring her voice. "It's a dummy, the shell of a Cyberman containing nothing but cabling allowing the simplest of movements".
"But why?" Gwen asked "Why on earth would somebody place a fake Cyberman out here in the middle of nowhere? It doesn't make any sense; it's not real and so can't cause any damage except fright to those who already know of their existence."
She glanced over to me during her last sentence and suddenly I felt cowardly and foolish, even though it wasn't real I was cross that I had just stood there, not able to fight back.
We were all highly bemused by this find so, with some difficulty, brought the 'Cyberman' bake to our base for Toshiko to take apart and analyse further, to see if we could come to some explanation.
Clearly someone was behind this, perhaps trying to deflect attention from them, or maybe even to attract our attention, who knows, but whatever is going on here, we are now determined to get to the bottom of it.