A/N: Hello everyone! Pretty much does what it says on the tin, Jack and Ianto have their date and a chance to catch up. Another long one I'm afraid, though not as long as the last. Hope you enjoy! Hannah xxx
I've been avoiding Jack, all week; since the night he just drifted back into our lives things have settled back into the familiar pattern- Gwen having (reluctantly) handed over her leader status, the Captain was back in command. One thing most certainly hasn't gone back to the way it was however, and that's us, that's the reason I've been avoiding him. I'm worried that if I allow myself to be taken in once more by his flirtatious ways and charismatic manner that I'll end up getting hurt again. In fact, no, I KNOW that I will end up getting hurt again if things go back to the way they were before.
Over these past few days I have managed to straighten out my thoughts a little, unscrambling everything out into separate boxes within my mind.
There was the biggest box: The love I felt for Jack, the true and blinding love that stirred within me when I saw him laugh or heard him pronounce my name in the way that only he can. The love that was in danger of making me do something reckless and self-damaging, just so I could express it in any form possible.
There was the tiny, miniscule box which I have been trying to burry: The wounded and angry state he left my heart in after his leaving, the doubts I have about how he sees me, the reality that things won't ever work the way that I want them to.
And boxes of all shapes and sizes in-between: reminding me of all the good times we have shared, the jealousy I still feel over Gwen despite her engagement, the joy and anxiety I feel at the prospect of a real date with him.
No matter how many ways my subconscious tried to stack these boxes together, they always formed the same alignment in the end; my thoughts will always have the same outcome. I would be a fool to think that there would be any product from Jack's return other than my return to him. I think it would take him physically ripping out my heart from my chest in order for me not to; no matter how much hurt he had caused me through doing so metaphorically, my heart still, and would always, belong to him. I want to be with him properly, but will succumb to his advances even if all he is offering is physical.
Now all I have to work out is how on earth I will ever explain all of this to him, even trying to write it down has been difficult; hence why I am currently ignoring him. It's much easier to ignore an issue than to face up to it, and whilst I know it is cowardly and won't help anything, I need a bit of time before exposing myself bare to him.
"How long are you going to be avoiding me for Ianto?" He said softly and forlornly, whilst entering my hiding place in the green house.
"Avoiding you Sir?" I questioned, not managing eye contact in the presence of such a ridiculous attempt at a cover up.
"I know you've been hiding from me, but hiding isn't going to help anything. I've put you all through hell and I'm not expecting your immediate forgiveness but we need to talk about everything, evading the issue won't make it go away. And please Ianto. Please stop calling me Sir" He finished, looking more beaten down with guilt than I have ever seen him before.
I hadn't even noticed that I'd called him Sir, old habits die hard. I made eye contact with him now as I reached out and brushed me hand across his cheek, I could see such ancient weariness in his darkened eyes. It was the first time I had actively made contact with him since his return and I had to fight hard to stop tears from escaping.
"I'm sorry Jack." Was all I managed to get out.
"Don't you dare apologise. Don't you dare think that for one minute there is any need for you to say sorry to me. You have every right to be avoiding me after what I have done to you, hell I wouldn't even blame you if you started lashing out punches, I know I deserve it." He proclaimed with anger, anger directed towards himself rather than I. "But I know you never would." He finished softer, almost a whisper.
I didn't really know what to say, nothing I could think of was capable of articulating my feelings at that moment, so my only response was to remove my hand from his cheek and place it on his shoulder drawing him in to my arms. I hope he understood.
"So how about this evening, we have that date you promised me? Unless you have other plans…" He said, his breath tickling my ear.
"No plans at all, there's nothing I'd rather do." I replied, my voice trailing off towards the end of the sentence but I'm sure it was still audible to him.
"Great, then I'll pick you up at eight" He said, with his usual confidence restored, as he moved his hands further down my back and grabbed at my behind and left me to carry on working.
Not that I have been able to concentrate much on my work, yes it's been completed, but it's nearly six now and it easily could have been finished by four… I'd better head off home; I've only got a couple of hours in order to prepare myself for this evening!
I feel ridiculous, I am literally acting like a 13 year old girl, about to go on her very first date: I have showered and shaved, changed my outfit three times and taken well over half an hour to style my hair. He had originally suggested dinner and a movie but I don't know if we are sticking to this plan, leaving me with no idea of what an appropriate mode of dress might be. I knew he liked it (a lot) when I wore a suit, but wearing a suit would make it feel too much like work, like things had felt before. Yet I didn't want to appear overly casual and scruffy, especially not if we ended up going to a stylish restaurant or bar. Eventually I have settled upon beige chinos, a white shirt underneath a burgundy V-neck and my white converse. If he turns up in a 3-piece suit, at least we are at my apartment so I can make a quick change if necessary…
What's wrong with me? Okay yes Jack and I have never been on an actual date before and yes this was the first time we were really going to be alone since he has returned but I really shouldn't be feeling this anxious! Perhaps it has more to do with the fact that time alone means talking, talking about how I felt when he left, how I feel about him now… Now that is terrifying. Anyway it's approaching 7.30, and I'd better hide this somewhere that Jack won't think to look when he arrives; he's never been to my apartment before and something tells me that he's not the kind to resist snooping.
I was surprised to hear a knock at my door at only 7.50 pm; I had assured myself that Jack would be late. Not only was he early, he was also carrying a bottle of wine box of chocolates, I felt genuinely touched, even though I knew he'd probably end up being the one who ate most of them…
I went to greet him, relieved to see that he was wearing a blue shirt with a few buttons undone at the top to reveal a white t-shirt underneath, a pair of dark wash jeans and that glorious coat.
He refused my attempt at a hand shake and went in for a full on kiss in the middle of the corridor outside my apartment. It was the first kiss we'd shared since he had come back and I relished in in savouring it; I'm not sure how long we stood there for, locked together but it wasn't long enough. I didn't want to stop breathing in that familiar scent of citrus and nutmeg that were his naturally induced pheromones, or to stop feeling the soft but firm lips upon my own. I was surprised that he was making such a display of affection in a public place, my neighbours from the floor above we out currently but quite easily could have returned to find us together in the corridor. At one time, I may have felt self-conscious at the idea of being seen like that, but the sheer fact that he didn't seem to mind who knew that something was going on between us gave me a slight hint of confidence that maybe he really did have feelings for me after all, and I really couldn't care less who saw that.
By his gentle laughter and self-assured grin on pulling away, I think I mustn't have been able to contain a look of disappointment from spreading over my face; naturally I blushed at having let myself get so carried away. I tried to recover quickly, and politely ushered him in to my apartment, closing the door behind me.
He took a minute just to absorb the surroundings, I frantically started worrying that I might have left a mess or something embarrassing lying around, or worse still left this out somewhere, but everything seemed to be in order.
"You're early" I remarked, smiling.
"I thought I'd try taking a leaf out of your book" He said back, grinning. "These are for you by the way" He said, placing the wine and chocolates into my hands.
"Thank you, but you really didn't have to" I said, taking the gifts anyway and setting them down on the coffee table.
"Yes I did. Because I am a gentleman" He said with a wink which I couldn't help but laugh at.
"You're not wearing a suit!" he proclaimed suddenly.
"Is that alright?" I asked suddenly nervous, "I can change if you'd pref…"
"No don't" He said, cutting me off. "I like it you look more relaxed than I think I've ever seen you. Besides, fashion is about eventually being naked, so changing would be a bit pointless." He didn't stop grinning throughout; he still knows exactly how to make me blush
"So…" I began "What exactly will we be doing this evening?" I asked anxiously awaiting his answer.
His eyes gleamed in a way that suggested he was about to say something like 'each other' as a response, but I was glad that he thought better of it. He seemed almost nervous as he replied: "Well... I was thinking that we could stay in, here; we have a lot of catching up to do and well…" He let the sentence trail off.
"Perfect." I replied and smiled. "I'll just go and get a couple of wine glasses."
He breathed a small sigh of relief.
We sat on the sofa, glasses in hand for about an hour talking, but not really saying anything. A few polite starting comments about my home, a discussion on the weather, a Weevil joke or two, but nothing serious, not yet. We were avoiding the elephant in the room.
I asked Jack what he fancied for dinner and he couldn't resist replying with "You", I just rolled my eyes and tried not to blush.
He followed me into the kitchen and shadowed me as I tried to start preparing our meal, my perfected and refined chilli recipe. If I'm honest it made it quite difficult to focus on cooking having him constantly grazing up against me at every move, I think I just managed to avoid making any mistakes with the procedure, if I did make any Jack seemed to like it all the same.
"Ianto…" Jack began after we'd finished eating "Tell me something, something about you that I don't already know."
"I'm terrified of dogs." I said quite simply, bringing a smile to his face.
"Dogs?" He questioned, stifling a laugh.
"Yes dogs" I said grinning, knowing how ridiculous I sounded.
"You're telling me that the man who isn't scared to face a Weevil, or an Ood with red eye, a man who has survived capture from a cannibal and seen so many terrifying and unbelievable things… Is scared of dogs?" He stuttered through his laughter.
"Indeed so, I was knocked over by a Great Dane as a little boy and have never felt safe around a hound since." Joining in with his laughter now. "Your turn" I said.
"I found a grey hair this morning" He said with a mock solemn looks upon his face.
"Isn't that normal at your age" I said teasing.
"Oi! Careful… you're lucky I love that Welsh accent of yours enough not to punch you right in the mouth!" He said smirking.
"I secretly like Depeche Mode" I offered.
"I sing in the shower" He said. I didn't add that we had all heard his rendition of 'all that jazz' echoing up into the main floor of the hub this morning.
"I hate using microwaves."
"I've slept with 987 people, but you're the only one I've been with since I met you" He said, trying to surprise me, upping the ante.
"You weren't the first man I've kissed" I lied, trying to shock him back. It worked.
"Really?" He said in a voice much higher than usual.
"No" I said grinning as he 'angrily' ruffled my hair.
"I've missed you" He said softly.
"I missed you more" my voice no more than a whisper now.
"I know" He replied.
"Jack, I'm sorry if this ruins everything, but there are so many things I need ask you, things I need to tell you, and I need to do it now." I said biting my lip.
"Right as always Ianto Jones, fire away" He said smiling, but there was only sadness elsewhere on his face.
"Where did you go? Why did you go? Why didn't you say goodbye? Are you in love with the Doctor? Why did you come back? Are you back for good? Who are you? Where have you come from? How can you keep coming back to life?" I spouted, breathlessly all in one big rush.
A hint of a smirk appeared on Jack's face before he thought about his reply.
"I suppose at one time yes, I was in love with the Doctor, before I met him I wasn't a good person and he helped me to get better. I'm not proud of the person who I was then; I was an ex 51st Century time agent, turned con-man with no sense of morality. I travelled with him for a bit, and he helped me to change, showed me the better person I could be. Then one day in a far off time when we were fighting off the emperor Dalek, I died. Properly. But somehow, his companion… Rose… she brought me back to life and altered me in some way so that I've become this fucked up freak who can never die. He said I was wrong, the Doctor this is, and that's why he left me alone and abandoned on that empty space ship. So I know exactly how much I have hurt you by running away without a goodbye, because I've felt it too. I know how it makes your insides feel like they are being torn from you and the raging battle of feelings inside your head. Which only makes the fact that I did it so much worse, because I knew exactly what I was doing, and I can never apologise enough for my selfish and stupid behaviour." He answered, gasping by the end.
I was working hard to swallow the lump that was rising in my throat, determined to make me cry in front of him. Yes, I think that small box has pretty much imploded in on itself now. It was hard for me to feel anything but sorry for him at this point, I know he'd abandoned me, but he didn't need to be punishing himself this much. I could only gesture for him to continue.
"I somehow made it back to Earth, but in the wrong time, the late 19th Century. I wanted to find my Doctor but I couldn't let our paths cross again for a good hundred years, so I came to Cardiff to wait, where I knew he came to refuel his TARDIS using rift energy. I didn't think about the damage and pain I might cause when I ran off to meet him that day, all I was thinking was that I hadn't seen him in so long and that I had to find out if he could fix me. I never intended to go away for so long, well I suppose it wasn't as long for you as it was for me, but still it was too long. In my time I was gone for a year, we were facing the end of the world – the Doctor, his newest companion Martha Jones and her family and I. It's all over now, in fact in theory it never happened as saving the world rewrote time. It's confusing as hell because to me all of it still very much happened, we were at the eye of the storm so to speak when time altered so are alone in the possession of these memories. These horrible memories of feeling so alone, of being tortured with endless deaths day in day out, not knowing when or if things would be right again; not knowing if or when I'd see you again and whether you'd forgive me if we did" He paused for breath again.
I felt I needed to say something here, he had been the one to lay himself completely bare in front of me this evening, put all his faith in me and I hadn't expected that at all. He had been completely honest with me and I needed to reciprocate.
"Jack" I began gripping his hand tightly across the table. "As far as I'm concerned you have done nothing that needs forgiving, I am just so glad that you're back."
"Ianto you don't hav…"
"Listen Jack" I said, my stomach twisting into knots as I thought about what I was going to say next. "I love you and nothing that you have done or could ever do will change that. I don't need or expect you to say it back, but I do need you to know". I'd done it, I'd actually done it and it had been terrifying.
"The one thing that kept me going while my world was falling apart at the seams and I'd been in more pain than I ever had been through in my entire life, was the thought that somewhere out there you were still alive and that one day I might be able to hold you in my arms again. I realised that this was where I belonged. I realised that I need you Ianto jones." He said shakily.
I was worried that I'd make him angry or uncomfortable by confessing that I loved him, but I didn't. 'I need you' is the closest I will ever get to reciprocation, so I leapt up out of my seat and threw myself into his arms, kissing him as if the world was ending right this second.
A/N: Two thumbs up to anyone who noted the Vivienne Westwood quote!