A/N: Hello everyone! I'm sorry, I was hoping to get this chapter published yesterday but I was insanely tired and my poor brain couldn't function properly enough to write! Hope you enjoy this one, I've been thinking about doing a 'year on from Lisa's death' for a while now, and hope I've done the idea justice in the end. Thank you all for continuing to read and review! Hannah xxx

I can't believe I forgot.

I can't believe that for two minutes after waking up this morning I had genuinely forgotten.

How on Earth had I managed to forget that today was the day I had been anticipating for months, dreading for weeks and weeks; that today was the reason that I barely slept last night, the reason I have barely slept for a fortnight; the reason that my stomach has been twisting into knots for days.

After that brief and blissful bout of ignorance, I realised: it's one year, to the day, that she died. The anniversary of Lisa's death, well… I suppose that's debatable, Jack and convinced me afterwards that she was truly dead long before I brought her to Torchwood in hope of saving her. But I do know that one year ago today, they shot down Lisa's body and my whole world was stripped from me. At the time, I thought I would never be happy again, in fact I thought I would never even be averagely tempered again. My stomach felt like it was full of rats, my heart physically ached, my head was pounding with guilt and regret and anger day in day out, my eyes burned form crying myself to sleep at night.

That was how I thought I would feel forever, but somehow I pushed past it. With Jack's help, I managed to break out of my phase of self-hatred and guilt and torment; if it wasn't for him, I don't know if I would even still be alive to greet this horrible date. Instead of suspending me like he should have done (technically he should have retconed me back to childhood and dropped me off on the side of the road somewhere after the way I had behaved) he let me get straight back into work. Instead of allowing me to plummet into a suicidal state of depression, he kept me busy, kept me working in my usual, strict regime. He comforted me as a friend and, later when I realised my true feelings, as more than a friend too; but then it became more than just 'comfort' – I found I was happy, happier than I had ever been in my whole life, happy and in love. And I feel guilty as hell.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad that one year on I am a) still alive, b) haven't driven myself to insanity and c) that I still work for Torchwood, but I feel so terrible that I have moved on. I don't think I miss Lisa as much as I should do, and this is why I have been dreading the approach of this day – because I knew that when it arrived the guilt for the way everything has panned out would be unbearable. I shouldn't be happy, I shouldn't be in love; I should still be mourning the loss of my dead girlfriend, the girl who one day I hoped to marry…

Having said all of this, as I began looking back at some old photos of the two of us, and pulled out the draw of her belongings from my dresser, I couldn't hold back my tears, but I still don't think I feel anywhere near as heartbroken as I should do.

I really hope the others don't pander over me too much today at work; I just want to carry today out as if it were a normal day whilst I inwardly crumble with guilt. I woke up extra early this morning as I thought I might find today a little … difficult … and may need an emergency outpour in this here diary, so I won't arrive late or dishevelled looking – so shouldn't give off a vibe that anything is wrong. And, over the years, I have honed the art of 'the mask', I have had to learn to shield my feelings for one reason or another so in theory getting through today shouldn't be a challenge. I might be able to hide my feelings, but how can I expect them not to remember? After all, it was they who killed her on this day one year ago; it was they who had their trust betrayed by me.

Unfortunately, in my heart of hearts, I know exactly how this morning will go. I'll arrive at work to find Gwen ready and willing to offer me all of the hugs in the world, provide me with a 'soothing' pep talk and expect me to shed some tears into her shoulder. Tosh will take a more subtle approach – offering my a friendly hug and shoulder squeeze which speaks a thousand words, tuned the radio into my favourite station and made sure that I have chocolate and tissues available for Gwen's 'chat'. (She knows me too well…) Owen, well probably will act like he's forgotten all, we'll have an exchange of sarcastic banter and then continue on as per usual. All three of them are entirely predictable, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, usually I wouldn't have it any other way; it's just because today is the one day that I wished nobody cared enough to try and make me feel better. I want to feel awful, to suffer in silence and too brood on my guilt, so that I can make up for the fact that I've been doing anything but this since about 4 months after her death. I don't want me three closest friends to act predictably and offer me every kindness.

Jack however isn't so predictable. I literally have no idea what to expect from him today. That day was such a turning point for so many reasons; we both said terrible things to each other and made terrible threats; I betrayed his trust, and he forgave me. Will he want to try and comfort me like Gwen, will he try and make my day as normal – yet comfortable - as possible like Tosh, or will he opt for an Owen and pretend like nothing is going on? I reckon the most likely option is for him to simply keep his distance, not for him to ignore me per say, but for him to make sure that our paths barely cross – giving me space, and time, to think. I imagine that he has no idea how I will cope with everything, I mean I barely know myself, and he'll see not interfering with my actions today as being in my best interests – acting as the courteous employee.

I've been at work for four hours now, and I almost laughed when I greeted everyone, in fact the only thing holding me back was the news of Gwen and my beloved coffee machine!

I arrived; surprised to find that Owen and Gwen already there, I guess Jack must have summoned the troops in early. It was only 6.45; I usually arrive between 6.30 and 7.00 and am alone with Jack until at least 7.30… Of course, this morning, Jack was the only one not in already.

"Teaboy!" (Owen's banter – check) Owen called across the hub, swinging his legs in his chair, grin plastered on his face. "You are going to kill Gwen when you find out what she's done with your misuses."

For one horrible moment I genuinely thought he was referring to Jack, despite the fact that Owen usually enjoys referring to me as the effeminate one, I think I was just too terrified that the pair was having some sort of affair to concentrate on Owen's insults. Then I realised where his eyes were pointed. My coffee machine.

"Gwen… you didn't… touch my coffee machine did you?" I questioned, horrified at the prospect.

"Well…"

"Gwen!"

"I'm sorry, I just thought it would be nice for you to arrive to a hot cup of coffee – after all you're always running around with after us with drinks and I thought that today of all days you deserved it." She said. "Only…"

"Only? You haven't broken it have you?"

"No, no Ianto, of course not! I have just spent the last half an hour trying to get it to work and ended up making the most revolting black tar that even Owen rejected."

I let out a small sigh of relief

"But anyway" She began as she flocked towards me, enveloping me in a generous hug. "I'm not here to talk about bloody coffee. "Ianto, sweetheart, how are you? Are you sure you should be in today." (Gwen's soothing – check)

"'Course he's here to talk about bloody coffee, that's what he does!" Owen said

"Owen, have some sensitivity, don't you know what today is?" Gwen retorted back.

"Wednesday" Owen shrugged, winking at me.

"Uuurgh Owen, for goodne…"

"Gwen, I'm fine, really I am" I cut her off, lying, mask in place.

"Well, if you're sure. We can have a chat later yeah?" she finished, releasing me from the embrace.

After double checking the coffee machine for any signs of damage, I managed to get almost a full thirty minutes of work done before Tosh presented herself. Well I say thirty minutes of work; the time was spent approximately as follows: finishing off Owen's incomplete paperwork – 7 minutes, processing the sickening ball of guilt and frantically running my hands threw my hair – 22 minutes, contemplating just walking out of the hub – 1 minute. Of course I would never actually do the latter…

Anyway, Tosh came over to me and hugged me gently from behind whilst I was still sat at my desk, leaving her hands on my shoulders as she was finished.

"I hope Gwen hasn't been too full on for you yet, but don't blame her we all just care about you" She said squeezing my shoulder lightly (Tosh being Tosh – check).

"I got you these, I assumed that she's planned a 'heart to heart' with you later, and I know you like to be prepared for things… so" She said, handing over a box of Kleenex and a substantial bar of dairy milk.

"Thanks Tosh" I said turning to face her, smiling slightly, mask still very much in place.

There was no sign of Jack anywhere still, I assume that I can say 'Jack giving me distance – check- then…

In the end I manage to avoid a chat with Gwen, I took my paperwork, this and a flask of coffee down to the archives where I intended camp out for the duration of today. I tried starting the paperwork again, but I just can't seem to focus. My mind keeps being drawn back to Lisa. How things were going so well for us until that terrible, life altering day back at Torchwood London. How I kept her alive and suffering and she still just died in the end anyway. I broke down and cried eventually. Hiding away at the very back corner, just on the off chance that someone would venture down her I cried. To be honest, I think I was mostly crying at how much of an awful person I must be, to have moved on from all of that so quickly, which only made me feel more guilty because I should be crying for Lisa and not for myself. I've calmed down a bit now, I've drunk my way through the thermos and am about to return to Owen's paperwork.

Of course, by the time I'd actually got seriously in work mode, the unexpected happened. Jack came down to the archives. I heard the door creak open and, although I was surprised to hear them, I immediately recognised his footsteps approaching the far corner of the archives where I'd buried myself in a nest of papers.

"Hey" He said, in a tone which seemed to convey no emotions of any sort, leaving it a completely unreadable statement.

"Hey" I said back, trying to match his tone, 'the mask' was always harder to hold up around Jack, or maybe he was just better at seeing through it.

"You did not bring me a coffee this morning" He said accusatively, but with a huge grin on his face – normality restores, he was back to Jack.

"Well, you called the others in early meaning we didn't get to see each other this morning" I offered back.

"I didn't call them in early" He laughed

"Oh" I felt my brown knit together. "Then why were they here?"

"Beats me" He said, smile faltering slightly. "Anyway, I was wondering if you fancied a little lunch-time Weevil hunting" He asked, eyebrows wiggling suggestively.

"Always" I replied. I wasn't sure what exactly was going on right then to be honest, I hadn't expected to see Jack all day and here he was asking me to go out on a Weevil hunt with him. Had he forgotten what today was? At that moment I thought he must have done, and I was envious, I wanted to forget too. I hoped that a Weevil pursuit might take my mind away from it all for a bit.

I hadn't paid much attention to anything during the drive to our location, otherwise I might have realised that we were heading towards that park, the one where I first met Jack. But as it happens, my own thoughts and Jack's oddly 'small talk like' chatter kept my mind too occupied to observe the surroundings.

"Jack…?" I asked, eventually breaking up the mundane chit chat.

"Yes Ianto"

"Just out of interest, do you remember what day it is?" I had to know if he had really forgotten somehow.

"Wednesday" He shrugged, almost a perfect imitation of Owen. He showed no signs of joking; I really thought he must have genuinely forgotten.

Then he was back to the small talk, it was all rather odd.

As we got out of the SUV though, I recognised it immediately. It was surprisingly deserted during daylight hours, just as it was in the dead of night. It was probably just as well seeing how vicious the Weevils are, I remember that first one I fought off here with Jack – I think I have a slight scar on the back of my shoulder from it in fact. I didn't say anything to Jack about recognising the park; I thought that he probably wouldn't remember it anyway.

He told me to go on ahead, that he had picked up readings of heat radiation in a south easterly direction from where we were facing. He handed me a shot of anti-Weevil spray and a sedative, whilst he continued fishing about in the boot of the SUV for whatever he was trying to find.

I walked off in the designated direction, and was highly surprised to find, not a Weevil, but a tree with a bouquet of sunflowers tied to it and a picnic blanket laid out beneath it. I was surprised further to turn around to see Jack wielding a large hamper, I simply raised an eyebrow.

"Wednesday." He said. "Wednesday 29th November 2007, 365 days since Tuesday 29th November 2006" He finished, wearing a smile that was very different to the 'Harkness grin', it was a smile that conveyed sadness and regret and reassurance and happiness all at the same time.

"You did remember" I swallowed the lump forming in my throat as we walked over to the picnic blanket and sat down.

"Jesus Ianto, I know I'm very good at Am Dram but still, you can't have honestly thought I had forgotten."

"Well… I don't know, I suppose part of me wished you had forgotten… there were so many things that we said and did to each other that day, that hurt to remember them now – and I fear I was the worst culprit out of the two of us. And then I thought that you must have forgotten because you invited me out for this 'Weevil hunt' and usually if one of us is in this sort of situation… then you like to give us distance and then talk about everything or whatever.. "

"Don't be silly Ianto, none of that means anything now" He said squeezing me hand firmly. "AND, yes as an employer, if I thought one of my colleagues needed some time to think then I would give them space, but you know that you mean more to me than that don't you? I wanted to be with you today so that you could talk if you need to, but I thought you would protest if I asked you outright – so I had to lure you here under false pretences." He finished laughing.

"Yea, you're right I probably would have protested against needing to talk about it all… because to be honest I really don't want to." I sighed.

"You didn't want me to give you some space today did you?" He asked biting his lip. "I mean, I take full responsibility for what happened to Lisa, for all of us shooting her down in front of you and I am truly incredibly sorry for that. I was lashing out childishly because I was angry at you, and wanted you to suffer. But you know that it had to be done right – there was no other way I…"

"Jack" I interrupted. "I don't not want to talk about Lisa because I'm still cross or upset with you for how it happened, I accepted that it was necessary long long time ago. I can't bear the thought of talking about it all because… Oh god you'll think I'm a terrible person… Because…"

"Because?"

"Because I feel so guilty, not guilty because she died or because I pretty much forced the four of you into shooting her, but because I have moved on, because I'm happy now, because I should be feeling like utter shit. But I'm not. It's only been a year Jack, and I loved her so much, but barely miss her now. How much of a selfish jerk does that make me?" I said blinking back tears, I was not going to cry; I'd done that in the archives.

"Well on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say… negative 10" Jack answered pulling me into a hug under the tree. "A year is a long time, and people move on and grieve and heal at different rates. Besides, you know that deep down you had accepted that Lisa was gone when you saved her half-converted from Canary Wharf. You shouldn't feel guilty that you're happy, I'm very glad that you're happy" He said kissing my cheek.

"Are you certain? I just can't help thinking that I should be feeling … oh I don't know just feeling more."

"I should know, I've lost enough people, more loved ones than anyone should ever have to lose. And you beat yourself up about finding joy after their gone and you just get bogged down in guilt and regret. But after a while you realise – what's the point? You can't bring them back with guilt; punishing yourself won't change the situation so if you can find happiness again you might as well just be thankful for it."

I smiled back, the man talked sense, my guilt wasn't completely gone but it had disappeared enough to manage that smile. "Thank you. Thank you for not giving me distance, thank you for helping me yet again"

"You're welcome, though you don't need to thank me, I'm glad to help. Oh and as for feeling more…" He said grabbing my hand and…

"Jack we're in a public park"

"No one's around!"

"Jack!"

"Fine" He said sighing.

"Oh and thank you for bringing me on a 'Weevil hunt'" I winked "Do the others know where we really are?"

"Nah, I figured we could pass off a good couple of hours as having been spent hunting Weevils – plenty of time for us to enjoy a picnic without interruptions from that lot" He grinned. "Scone?" He offered opening the hamper.

"Did you make them?"

"Nope, Marks and Spencer's."

"Ok then" I said grinning, as he gave me an elbow dig.