A/N: Hello all! I am very excited to say that I got my 40th subscriber today, and as I am about to post ch. 40 of this I thought it was all rather fitting. I have no idea if 40 is a lot or really hardly any at all, but considering I wasn't even sure that 1 person ould subsribe to this then it's quite a large number in comparisson! So anyway, I thought I would use now as an opportunity to say thank you to everyone that has subscribed or favourited this or reviewed or whatever, it means a lot and I hope you are all of you are still enjoying this! Oh and while I'm here - I MET GARETH DAVID-LLOYD LAST SATURDAY! I did mean to boast about it earlier but it slipped my mind (no idea how that's possible but anyway). It was amazing, just thought I'd share that :L I've rambled enough now - hope you enojy! Hannah xxx

The romantic picnic with Jack - which I still can't quite believe he was sweet enough to organise - did help to wash away some of my guilt, but according to Tosh and Gwen I have still been 'moping about' a little the past few days. Well, what can you expect? It's the anniversary of my girlfriend's death for goodness sake, aren't I allowed to mope a little?

Anyway, looks like I'll be heading off out into the field today, so that should take my mind away from it all. We've been summoned by the police to a crash site where there's an overturned lorry containing a rather suspicious looking form of meat in the back – they want us to check it out. Sounds like it could be quite an interesting case.

It was all systems go as soon as we arrived at the crash site. Jack, Owen and Gwen went off to check out the contents of the vehicle whilst I did my best to coax as much useful information out of the police as possible. Maybe today isn't going to contain quite as much action as I had thought, if all I'm going to be doing is conversing with the police. Not that I'm complaining of course, I am still perfectly happy to just deal with paperwork if that's what's needed to be done, but I can't deny that I got a bit of a flavour for field work whilst Jack was away.

I think Gwen had wanted to do talk with the police herself; after all she likes to think that she is best at that sort of thing what with being an ex-PC. But we all know that by the time she had had a good catch up with whoever was on duty, it would be time for us to leave and we would be no further forward. And no doubt Owen would have been so rude or outrageously flirtatious (he just can't pull it off as charisma like Jack can) that we wouldn't have gotten much information if he'd done the talking either. So I guess that's why I was left with the task of liaising with them, well I'd like to think that was why, and not that it was because Jack didn't want me engaging in the action for some reason…

In the end, I don't suppose it would have mattered too much who had done the investigating as the police didn't have much to offer; the accident had been very recent and so they couldn't even tell us where the lorry had come from. They could however, identify it as a Harwood's lorry. The same Harwood's that Rhys was manager of, the phrase 'it's a small world' just doesn't cover it really.

Owen loaded a slab of the strangest looking meat I had ever seen into a box and we were off back to the hub to analyse it. Jack made a joke about giant cows on the drive home that was completely lost on me, but I assumed it had something to do with what they had found in the back of the van.

"Oh I don't know… that PC Dawson is a bit of nuisance…" I interjected. Jack, Owen and I laughed.

"Oi, Linda's a friend of mine!" Gwen said jabbing me in the ribs – mental note to self; if you're going to insult the police, don't locate yourself in arm's length of Miss Cooper.

I raised an eyebrow in response

"Ok fine, she can be a bit of a cow sometimes" She said, defiantly trying to suppress a smile.

As it turns out, the meats is neither from a gigantic cow, nor PC Linda Dawson… unfortunately Owen has found that it's DNA make-up doesn't match with any animal found on Earth and that, judging by the falsified certification, it is most certainly not ideal for human consumption.

It was decided that the best thing to do was to call up Harwood's, pretending to be the police, and to try and get some answers. Gwen got awfully defensive about Rhys, as one might expect, saying that he can't have had anything to do with it all. I've met the man, if only briefly, and I must admit I can't comprehend the idea of the lovely, if a little bumbley at times, fellow being involved in something like this. But you can never be too careful, so we went ahead with the call despite Gwen's protestations.

Apart from some seriously, poorly kept records of their clients, Harwood's as a whole seems to be in the clear. The finger currently seemed to be pointing at Harris and Harris, the organisation who were using the haulage company for their deliveries. What I mentioned above about Rhys being ever so slightly bumbley is definitely highlighted here- he hadn't properly checked out the licensing for the company, and only had a pick up point recorded for them, not an actual address. He did manage to give us a destination and the time at which the driver departed meaning we could trace the journey of the driver back to within 10 miles of where he had picked up the meat. It was a start at least.

After further tests and scanning, it was revealed that the meat was beyond a shadow of a doubt alien. Thinking about the possibility of having consumed some of it is mildly sickening to be quite honest. Of course we discovered all of this just in time for the pizza order to arrive; Owen grimaced as I told him what we were having: meat feast. Delightful…

I noticed a small smile creep onto Jack's face as we were eating, and after Gwen had rushed off and the others were occupied elsewhere, leaving us alone in the hub, he burst out into giggles.

"What?" I asked, defensively, frowning.

"That" He said pointing towards the napkin I still had tucked into my shirt.

"I didn't want to get pizza down my new suit" I answered, equally defensive but blushing a little now.

"And I don't blame you, it's a beautiful suit… very well cut" He winked, I raised an eyebrow. "But I just can't help laughing, you just look so adorable. Like a little boy, I just want to come and pat you on the head" He said grinning.

"Oh dear, I hope you're joking … I that's how you see me, then this relationship is very different to how I thought it was…" I said frowning again.

"Don't frown" He said, kissing my brow. "I mean it in the least disturbing and most complimentary way possible" He finished grinning.

"Hmm well I think I'll risk spilling next time" I smiled.

"Don't you dare" He replied, and ruffled my hair and giving me a generous kiss before we got stuck back into work.

Owen and I headed off to the warehouse in Merthyr that I had eventually tracked down of being the only suitable location, whilst Jack waited for Gwen to return from checking up on Rhys. It was an awkward drive to the warehouse; Owen wanted to know my opinion on Tosh and Tommy – had she loved him? I didn't know really, their relationship was so beyond complex. But I had to question why Owen was asking, did he like her, or did he just like the idea that she liked him? And then he was on to asking me questions about Jack and I, where we were heading and you know what it's like…. being with him… and I was even less sure of how to answer these questions- the conversation fizzled out into an awkward silence. I was relieved when Gwen and Jack finally arrived and we could get on with the mission.

"Did you bring the alarm de-activator" Was about the next thing that I actually managed to say to him; in response he just shot the offending alarm. I'll take that as a no then shall I?

Just as we'd got the door open, just enough to get a whiff of the foulest stench I have come across since – well since the Brecon Beacons incident - when Jack ordered for us to stand down so we did, without question. It turned out that Rhys had been there, that the pair had seen him conversing and shaking hands with two other men outside the warehouse. It looked like they had been making some sort of deal, I hope Rhys isn't involved, for Gwen's sake; he can't be involved can he?

So he may not be involved with the strange and illicit meat activity, but it looks like Gwen might have involved him with Torchwood now. Gwen has told him everything. I suppose we should have anticipated it at some point but what with us all being "sad and single" as Tosh put it we haven't really ever given much thought to people's other halves finding out about what we do here. I couldn't help but smile slightly when Tosh said that we were all sad and single, and I noticed Jack did the same. In a way I suppose I should have been offended by her not excluding us from this comment, but it has to be remembered that Jack and I haven't actually announced anything yet. And whilst I've told Tosh that things are different now I have no idea what she actually thinks is going on. But do you know what, just sharing that secret knowing smile with Jack, knowing that actually we weren't sad or single, is enough; the others will find out one day.

Rhys is going to be joining us, very temporarily if Gwen gets her way, in order to help us get back into the warehouse. Why is it that I just can't shake the feeling that this is terrible idea?

Right that's it, that is it. That is the very last and final time I write something down as stupid as that in here, whenever I do things just all go to pot. We have had 24 hours of hell, yet again.

It started off seeming like things might actually go to plan for once. Rhys and Jack went to go and get his delivery van, the one that Harris and Harris were expecting him to turn up in to collect his goods, whilst the four of us, Gwen, Owen, Tosh and I waited in a deserted alleyway in Merthyr for them to arrive.

We snuck out of the boot of the lorry smoothly, without even Rhys noticing, let alone the brothers who were in charge of this corrupt organisation. Once fully inside the building, the stench that we had caught briefly earlier hit Owen and I much harder this time – if anything it was worse than the Brecon Beacons. I tried to stay focused and not picture raging cannibals with knives at our throats. I couldn't let my mind wander back to that, not when I had to make sure that all the workers there were stun gunned into silence. Of course, after today I could practically look back on those few days in Brecon as a blast.

Anyway. I went to go and check if Rhys had escaped safely, and this is when everything turned, well quite frankly, to shit. As I was making my way out of the building I ran into Rhys, but unfortunately he was anything but alone. The two brothers and one of their minions had him held at gun point and were marching him further inside. They asked me if there were more of us, and I suppose I didn't exactly lie by saying it was:

"Just us"

I mean how they should know how many people made up the 'us'? I couldn't tell them outright about the others, it would put them in so much danger and the idea of seeing them hurt was incomprehensible. So I let them take my stun gun and bind my wrists together because there is not, and never will be, a single part of me that isn't more willing to risk my own life than to risk theirs. I was terrified for the entire time though.

As it turned out, my attempts to try and save them were futile as they found Gwen and Tosh and Jack shortly anyway, there was just Owen left out there somewhere now. Jack confronted Dale, the leader of the two, and told him what they were dealing with was an alien – though how they had been stupid enough to think that the poor creature was Earth born in the first place is beyond me. Jack didn't look at me the entire time he made his speech, he just couldn't seem to make eye contact, I'm not quite sure what that meant, and to be honest I'm surprised I noticed it seeing as I was busy trying to refrain from crying and trying to free my wrists from the ropes that were cutting into them. Oh and did I mention, they were still holding me at gun point.

Suddenly, my hands were free and wrestling the gun out of Dale Harris's hand, not in time for to stop him shooting at Gwen however. Rhys valiantly jumped in the way, but he's alright, it was only a flesh wound and minus some ear bashing from Gwen about how she should have let her take it he's going to be fine.

I tackled Dale to the floor after this, for the most part I actually had the upper hand, but then he was on top of me and his gun was an inch from my head. I have never felt so relieved and so petrified as I did in the moment when he fired, only to discover there were no bullets remaining. One bullet more and I would have died…. Though I am trying not to dwell on this too much. Somehow through it all, I cleared my head enough to find Owen, stun gun the last of the workers.

The greatest tragedy of all was that Owen had to kill the creature in the end, out of mercy. We just couldn't let it live like this anymore, in constant pain. I can just picture Jack's facial expression at the realisation that we had to let it go, he'd felt so strongly about keeping it alive, but there really was nothing we could do.

We drove back to the hub in silence, it wasn't necessarily because nobody knew what to say, more that nobody could literally say anything. Nobody could take their minds away from what we had just been through, or manage to connect the functions of their mouths with the million thoughts that were waiting to be expressed. Once back at the hub, Rhys had woken up so Owen dressed his wound and gave him a full check over; when he asked what had happened to the creature I thought that everybody would have been struck speechless again, but no Jack answered – taking on the gruesome responsibility yet again.

Gwen was given retcon to give to Rhys, but did she give it to him? Of course not. I understand why she didn't, I mean it must be difficult being so close with someone but having to hide such a big part of your life from them… but it is the rules. Well, at least I thought it was the rules, not for Miss Cooper of course Jack seems to let her do what she likes. Damn it, I have to remember what he told me, keep always in my mind that he doesn't love her because I don't like having these irrational outbursts of jealously: I like Gwen and I trust Jack therefore all of this is silly. Breathe.

I'm still feeling a bit shaken from everything, I can still smell the awful stench of carved out flesh, I can still feel ropes burning against the skin of my wrists, I can still feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. So I'm here, in the archives, cutting myself of from everything for a bit completely some backlogged artefact records – I can't face starting the paperwork for today yet.

Last night, Jack came down and found me a few minutes after I wrote all of that.

"I thought you'd gone home with the others" He mused, approaching me.

"Me? Never, here as always" I said managing to give him a small, half smile.

"I should have known better really, shouldn't I?" He replied grinning.

"Indeed… So, you alright?"

"Me? Of course, I'm always alright" He said, his grin faltering slightly. I can always tell when he's lying. I raised an eyebrow in response

He sighed. "Ok, so maybe I'm not ok – so sue me" He laughed "I just, I didn't want to let it die, I thought we could save it but… It's just, we face so many bad aliens and then when an innocent and faultless one comes along it ends up getting the same treatment as its evil counterparts."

"Jack, there was nothing any of us could do. It was in pain and we truthfully couldn't have helped it" I replied, looking him firmly in the eye and squeezing his shoulder.

"I know I know, it's just… oh… well you know how I feel" He replied and I nodded. We'd been here before, plenty of times, but he can never quite seem to shirk his sense of responsibility and blame for these matters.

"But anyway, I should really be asking how you are- after all you were held hostage Ianto. Are you ok?" He said taking hold of both of my hands, I saw him wince as he noticed that my wrists were red raw with rope burn. He kissed both of them delicately.

"All part of a day at Torchwood" I joked, with a hint of solemnness. "I'll be fine" I said with what I hoped was a reassuring smile. "I did want to ask though… why, why couldn't you look at me when we were in the warehouse today – had I done something wrong? I mean I didn't mean for them to find you and Gwen and Tosh, I tried telling them that it was just Rhys and I but…"

"Shssh" He said, removing one hand from mine to place a finger over my lips. "Isn't it obvious why?" He replied, my slight puzzled look must have convinced him that it was anything but obvious as he continued. "Do you remember what I said to Gwen about Rhys before we set off?" He asked.

"You love him, and that makes you vulnerable"

I remembered him saying, so I nodded.

"Well, I couldn't bear to look at you because if I had seen properly what they were doing to you, seen your poor face as you stood there held up at gun point with bound wrists, then I don't know what I would have done. Just the mere thought of seeing you like that, of what he had done to you makes me want to go back and teach him a lesson, or even kill him. And I know that if I had let myself look at you during that moment, then I almost certainly would have destroyed him. But that wouldn't have been right and I wouldn't have been thinking rationally because you mean so much to me and the thought of ever losing you scares the hell out of me. So that's why I couldn't look at you, not because I was angry or disappointed, but because I needed to keep my head clear" He finished, breathless by the end.

"Wow" Was all I could say.

He laughed at that "Usually you're the eloquent one, and I'm the one with the 'one liners'" He grinned. "But, it's a fair comment, wow indeed" He winked. "Oh and speaking of wow, very impressive the way you pounced on that guy Dale earlier, and Owen was telling me that you were a bit lethal with the stun gun today" He said grinning.

"I got quite into it all; I think it was the adrenaline kicking in" I admitted.

"Well do you know what I think" He said, a familiar wicked gleam shining in his eyes.

"What?" I asked, knowing I probably shouldn't indulge him when he gives me that 'look'.

"I think, that it was kind of hot" He said, his grin widening as he drew me into a tight hug, moving his hands down my back and… umm ... lower.

I blushed in response "Really?" I questioned.

"Most definitely" He replied, hands roaming everywhere. "Shall we continue this in the boudoir?"

"Hmm… or we could just stay here" I mused.

He raised one eyebrow in mock surprise. "Even better" He said before pulling me into a passionate kiss.

Mental note to self: clear security footage for the archives from last night, and do not, absolutely do not, let Jack get a hold of it again.