Chapter 4
Kurt finished picking out an outfit and then proceeded to sit by the window, watching for Blaine's car. Seeing it coming down the street, Kurt headed downstairs and opened the door. He watched as Blaine grabbed some papers and headed up the walk. He let Blaine in silently and shut and locked the door. Blaine just stared at him, waiting for Kurt to make the first move.
Kurt, unable to handle the intensity of the stare and feeling all his guilt welling up, pulled Blaine into a hug. He started crying a little and buried his head into the crook of Blaine's neck.
"I'm sorry. Can we not be fighting anymore?" Kurt murmured into Blaine's skin. He sighed as he felt Blaine's arms wrap around him.
Blaine caught off-guard at first, quickly responded at hearing Kurt's words. "Shh, it's okay baby. We aren't fighting anymore. We do need to talk though." He pulled back a little so he could see Kurt's face but still hold him.
"Okay. We can talk. My room?" Kurt gave Blaine a shy smile as he asked and Blaine gave Kurt a quick peck. He nodded and the two went up the stairs.
Once again shutting the door, Blaine and Kurt sat cross-legged on the bed facing each other. Blaine put his papers next to him face down and grabbed Kurt's hands.
"What's that?" Kurt questioned, glancing down at the papers before looking back at Blaine.
"It's part of what we need to talk about. Kurt, last night sucked. A lot. I don't like when we argue and I didn't like that we both ended up upset and apart at the end of the night." Blaine began, wanting to get a feel for how Kurt was handling what they had discussed last night.
Kurt blushed and looked down, knowing that the reason they had had problems last night was because of him. "I didn't like it either. I'm so sorry. You have no idea how bad I feel."
Blaine squeezed Kurt's hands before bringing one of them up to brush some hair out of Kurt's face. "I know baby. But I don't want you to feel bad. I want us to be able to work it out and then put it behind us. Do you think we can do that?"
Kurt looked up at Blaine through his lashes. He wanted nothing more than to get past this. But "I don't know. You said that you wanted me to stop being so mean to people but I don't know if I can."
"Why not? Don't you want to be nicer?" Blaine questioned.
"I don't mean to be mean. I don't even notice when I am anymore. How am I supposed to stop when I don't know what I'm doing wrong?" Kurt answered, feeling a little lost and scared. He knew when he was saying some of his meaner things but he was also being honest with Blaine. It had gotten to the point where he interacted with most people by being rude and making snide comments. "I've been treating people like a bitch for so long, I don't know if I can stop."
Blaine startled at that. "Hey, you do not call yourself a bitch. The mean comments aren't acceptable about others or about you. Understood?" Blaine shook the hands he was holding a bit to emphasize what he was saying.
"What else would you call me Blaine? Everyone else says I'm a bitch. And I know I can be. If it's true why shouldn't I say it?" Kurt shot back, pulling his hands loose.
"It's not true though. You can be mean and cutting and just plain rude sometimes but you are not a bitch. And I swear, you will stop saying it or I'll-"Blaine cut off, not wanting to finish that sentence and scare Kurt.
Kurt wasn't having that though. "Or what, Blaine? How are you going to stop me? I am a bitch and if I want to call myself that, why shouldn't I?" Kurt's voice began steadily rising.
"How am I going to stop you? Do you really want to press me on this? Because I don't think you will like it. I won't do anything you don't agree to but if you don't stop, you will be in trouble." Blaine answered back, trying to maintain a steady tone. Kurt knew just how to rile his boyfriend up but Blaine knew he would need to maintain his composure if he wanted to keep Kurt from exploding.
"In trouble? Just what does that mean?" Kurt said back in a quieter voice but with no small amount of scorn in his tone.
"Just what it sounds like. Now stop. We are going to sit here for a minute and calm down before we continue talking. Understood?" Blaine hedged around the question, not wanting to answer until he and Kurt had discussed things while in a rational state.
Kurt gave Blaine a glare and didn't answer. However, he also didn't continue arguing with Blaine so Blaine didn't push it.
Kurt crossed his arms and started pouting a bit as time passed by. Blaine just sighed and rolled his neck and shoulders to relieve some tension. After five minutes had passed, Blaine decided they were good to continue. Kurt was no longer glaring and was again looking embarrassed. For his part, Kurt was feeling like an idiot the longer the silence continued. He didn't understand why he kept lashing out at Blaine.
Blaine began speaking again. "I don't like it when you insult yourself. I love you so much and I think you are amazing. So no more talking down. Okay?"
Kurt nodded, not really trusting himself to speak. Blaine's eyes were filled with so much love and it was just making Kurt feel worse. He had a lump in his throat as he thought about how sweet his boyfriend was.
However, Blaine wasn't going to take Kurt's silence. He wanted verbal confirmation. "I said, okay?"
Kurt flushed and looked back down. "Okay."
Blaine reached over and pulled Kurt into a hug. The two boys moved to lean against the headboard, Kurt tucked into a ball against Blaine.
"Now, you said that you don't even notice when you are saying mean things anymore. Right?" Blaine spoke, pressing a kiss onto Kurt's forehead.
Kurt started to nod before deciding that speaking out loud might be the right thing to do. "Yeah. I, I just say things and don't realize how they are going to be taken until they are out."
Blaine pressed another kiss to Kurt's forehead. "Thank you for answering out loud without being reminded. That's really good baby. Now I have some ideas for how we can fix the problem but I want you to know first, I love you. I love what we have together and I don't want to change who you are. I just want you to be happy and I don't feel like you are."
Kurt squirmed a bit at the praise, happy he had done something right. Continuing to listen to Blaine, he wondered what Blaine could be talking about and began feeling upset again. But not with Blaine. Himself.
"I'm not happy. I should be. I have you and you are just perfect and I love you so much but this year has just been so much and I feel like everything is going to hell and I don't know what to do and my dreams are crumbling and I just want to take it out on everyone else and I'm so mean and I hate it." Kurt started out slowly. However, as he started talking, the words just continued tumbling out and he started crying again.
"Shhh, shh, it's ok. We can fix this. I got you baby. Shh." Blaine pulled Kurt into a tighter hug, cuddling him until he stopped crying. "Feeling better? That was a lot to get out."
Kurt nodded, mumbling a "Yeah" as he wiped the tears off his face. He did feel better. He hadn't said anything out loud about how he was feeling and hadn't really acknowledged it to himself until it all came out just then.
"Now, that was a long list. I'll start off with saying: your dreams are not crumbling. We will figure something out as backup for NYADA. But we will talk more about that later. Until we talk about it, stop worrying. Ok? I am behind you 100% and I will help you figure something out." Blaine said in his most convincing tone of voice. He knew Kurt would still worry but he wanted Kurt to feel reassured that he at least wasn't alone.
Kurt sighed but replied with an okay. He did feel a little better that Blaine would help him. Just having someone else help him figure out his future would be so helpful.
"The rest of it sounds like you are just overwhelmed. Does that sound like a fair assessment?"
"Yes." Kurt replied. If anything, he felt it was an understatement. Sometimes he felt like everything was just piling up and he had no way out.
"I want to help you. You know I love you. I don't want you hurting like you have been. Will you let me help you?" Blaine questioned, moving so he could look Kurt in the eyes.
"How?" Kurt asked, trusting that Blaine would have some sort of plan for helping him.
"That's what those papers are for. I had this dream last night and it inspired me to go look some stuff up online and I really think we could benefit from adding it to our relationship." Blaine answered softly, mentally crossing his fingers for the best. He reached over and grabbed the papers and gave them to Kurt.
Kurt looked questioningly at Blaine before turning to the papers. The top page was titled "Domination and Submission: Tapping into Your Inner Self". Kurt's eyes widened at the title and he flushed. He flipped to the next page, hoping it wouldn't be so embarrassing to read. "Domestic Discipline and Its Benefits". Kurt blanched. There seemed to be a bit of a recurring theme to these papers. The next one was not any better. "Spanking in Relationships: A Fun Game or More?" Kurt closed his eyes and opened them, hoping to see something else. He was beyond mortified at the things on the pages. However, even as he felt his face burning hot in embarrassment, he also felt a bit turned on. He did like Blaine to be in control and on top. But that was a lot different from what he was reading here.
"I, I don't even…Blaine what is this?" Kurt questioned, returning his gaze to Blaine.
Blaine looked down at Kurt and quirked an eyebrow up. "What does it look like? I know you read the titles. Do you understand what they mean?"
"You, you want to hit me? Abuse me? That's what they mean." Kurt stuttered a bit, caught between embarrassment and anger.
Blaine gave Kurt a look. "You know I don't want to hit you. We both know there is a difference between abuse and what is described on these papers."
Kurt flushed. He did know that. "Why though? I don't…I can't…" He stopped, trailing into silence. Blaine pulled him close again, tucking Kurt's head under his chin.
"I know it's scary. But I had a dream last night where you were punished and I decided to do some reading this morning and I think it makes sense for us. You are so strong Kurt that sometimes, you forget to let people in and rely on people. I want to offer you the opportunity to do that. I really do think this would be good for us."
Kurt said quietly, speaking into Blaine's chest, "I can see where this might be…good for me. But what would you get out of this? I can't just ask you to take care of me."
"Oh baby. I want to take care of you. I love you so much but I'll be honest: there have been times when I think you could have benefitted from a timeout or a spanking. And I don't…mind the idea of giving that to you." Blaine blushed a bit, knowing that it would be hard for Kurt to hear but that he needed to hear it.
Kurt shrunk into himself a bit at the idea of standing in a corner. And being sent there by his boyfriend. That Blaine had wanted to do that in the past was really embarrassing. Focusing on the last sentence, he wondered at the pause. "You say you wouldn't mind. What does that even mean?"
Blaine sighed. Kurt might take this the wrong way but he wanted to be honest. "I mean that the idea of spanking you or sending you to a corner to think about your actions is incredibly hot to me. While I don't want to hurt you, it is a turn on for me. However, if we did something like this, it would be very apparent that it was a punishment for you. You wouldn't be getting hard because of my punishing you." Blaine looked down meaningfully at Kurt's lap where his slight hard on was very apparent.
Kurt blushed at Blaine's look even as he smothered down his initial reaction of anger at Blaine's words. Thinking carefully, Kurt sat in silence for a little while. Now that his initial reactions were out of the way, Kurt was feeling a bit blank. It was all a bit much to take in.
"I need some time to think. I…is that okay?" Kurt questioned quietly to Blaine.
Blaine was quick to respond. "Of course baby. Do you want me to go and we can talk tomorrow? Or do you want me to stay and hang out while you think about it?"
"Could we maybe just cuddle for a little while please?" Kurt asked softly.
"Anything you want." Blaine responded and then pulled Kurt in for a quick kiss. The two boys then lay against one another, both contemplating the future.