Fade in:

SCENE 01: Living room; int.; day

COURFEYRAC and EPONINE are on the couch with their backs turned against each other. COMBEFERRE enters from the bathroom after having brushed his teeth and changed into his pajamas. He stops to see the two on the couch.

EPONINE Oh, 'Ferre! Thank God you're here! I was hoping you could settle an argument between Courf and I!

COMBEFERRE (sighs) Courfeyrac we've been through this, and it's no longer a trend. The damn dress is white and gold!

COURFEYRAC She doesn't mean that, Colombo. (mutters under his breath) But it's still blue and black.

COMBEFERRE Oh I see. Well the answer is, the egg. The egg came before the chick—

EPONINE Not that either! We are trying to see which is more painful! Giving birth, or getting kicked in the junk.

COMBEFERRE looked at the two of them in bewilderment. COURFEYRAC holds up his hands in defense.

COURFEYRAC Hey I've been trying to tell her! It's definitely getting kicked that's more painful!

EPONINE Yeah but I have friends who said that being in labor was the most excruciating experience they've ever had!

COMBEFERRE sighed and took a seat on the couch in between them.

COMBEFERRE O.K. Eponine, I've always considered you a way better friend than Courf.

COURFEYRAC I'm right here!

COMBEFERRE I'm not done! Anyway, I said that you're my better friend, and that is why I really hate to say it, but Courfeyrac is actually right in this case.

COURFEYRAC Hallelujah!

EPONINE (trying to maintain her composure) Combeferre, I would normally be not talking to you right now, but because you respect my friendship so much, I will hear your explanation.

COMBEFERRE O.K. Here it is. So a woman gets pregnant. Right? Sometimes the pregnancy can be a little painful. Labor is another category of pain. You don't have to be a woman to hear the authenticity in their screams.

COURFEYRAC Yeah, can't argue with that!

EPONINE Go on.

COMBEFERRE And when all is said and done, the baby is born and all is well. Then, maybe sometime later, maybe within a few months or a year or two, the woman may have a thought and say "You know, it would be nice to have a second baby".

EPONINE That's not always the case.

COMBEFERRE Some women are different. Some won't want a second child. But the choice is there. Have you ever kicked a man in his junk, and then a day later he says "You know, it would be nice to have another kick"?

EPONINE's face drops. COURFEYRAC jumps up and does his little "I-Told-You-So" dance in front of her.

COMBEFERRE Sorry, 'Ponine! I wish I was on your side for this one.

EPONINE What about a woman's monthly visitor?

COURFEYRAC stops dancing.

COMBEFERRE Courfeyrac you look like an idiot. Have you ever seen a man kicked in the junk and then bleed like hell?

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*An 80's rock version of "Do You Hear the People Sing?" plays as the show's theme song*

THE BARRICADE BUDDIES

Starring as RAMIN KARIMLOO Enjolras.(Enjolras reads the newspaper and rolls his eyes.)

NOAH REID as Combeferre.(Combeferre is doing homework and unknowingly bites off half of his pencil and eats it.)

ZOOEY DESCHANNEL as Eponine.(Eponine is doing her nails when she accidentally touches her hair to satisfy an itch then gets her fingers stuck.)

JOHN KRASINSKI as Courfeyrac.(Courfeyrac is sitting at a bar nonchalantly checking out women passing by him.)

SETH GREEN as Feuilly.(Feuilly is sitting at the diner bar looking depressed; down on his luck, before he has to put on a smile when a new customer walks in.)

ADAM SCOTT as Joly.(Joly walks out of the bathroom just as Lesgles sneezes, causing Joly to casually walk back in.)

THOMAS SANDERS as Prouvaire.(Prouvaire is in the kitchen with a bottle of sauce in his hands. He takes a whiff of it, pulls back in disgust before pouring it into his mixing bowl.)

JAKE JOHNSON as Lesgles.(Lesgles is sitting at a table opening up a fortune cookie, accidentally cutting himself in the process.)

STEVE HOWEY as Bahorel.(Bahorel is crouching down to tie his shoe, but appears to have extreme difficulties.)

ANNA KENDRICK as Musichetta (Musichetta holds up her phone and takes a selfie while Joly and Lesgles are wrestling each other for her attention.)

ZACH CREGGER as Montparnasse(Gavroche opens the front door and Montparnasse is there. Gavroche instantly closes the door on him.)

With TAYLOR BALL & ELLIE KEMPER as Marius & Cosette.(Marius and Cosette are sitting on the couch cuddling, while everyone else throws popcorn at them.)

And CHRIS PRATT as Grantaire (Grantaire pours a vodka shot into a tiny shot glass, then chugs the whole bottle.

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SCENE 02: PATIO; EXT; DAY

ENJOLRAS is sitting on his lounge chair with some paperwork. COMBEFERRE is sitting next to him reading a book. JOLY comes in with the mail.

JOLY Hey Enjolras. I have some more hate mail for you. You really need to stop attacking Liberals.

ENJOLRAS I was not attacking. I was simply calling them out on their double standards. If they take it as an attack, then I rest my case.

COMBEFERRE What did you say this time?

ENJOLRAS All I said was, if women really want to achieve equality in life, they need to stop lashing out on men for their issues.

COMBEFERRE Doesn't seem like a lot for them to send hate mail though.

ENJOLRAS Well then I did my little demonstration. "All men are pigs. We're for equality. Women should be above men in everything. We're for equality! Women will always be better than men. We're for equality!"

COMBEFERRE Huh…Joly was the hate mail from Liberals or Feminists?

JOLY If you wanna keep this show on the air, it's better you don't know.

The rest of the men walk out onto the patio.

JOLY Oh! We got Valentine's Day cards! Bahorel? (passes a card to BAHOREL.) Lesgles? (Throws a card at LESGLES.) Courfeyrac? (Throws four cards at COURFEYRAC.)

FEUILLY How come Courf gets all the women?

COURFEYRAC Because I'm that good?

LESGLES Or it could be them returning the money he paid them saying it's counterfeit.

FEUILLY takes out his phone and starts tapping it, letting out an air-horn sound.

COMBEFERRE You've been dying to use that app, haven't you?

FEUILLY (laughs at first then moans) I need a social life!

JOLY One for Feuilly, one for Prouvaire, one for Grantaire, and…one for me!

COMBEFERRE sighs and continues to read his book.

COURFEYRAC Awe cheer up, 'Ferre. I'm sure somebody meant to send you a Valentines card.

COMBEFERRE Eh it doesn't bother me. I personally think it's too much of a capitalistic holiday anyway. No real meaning to it.

ENJOLRAS There's the Combeferre I know and like!

COMBEFERRE Ok you don't get to talk about your distaste for Capitalism. You got a V-Day card. Actually you have several!

ENJOLRAS (holding up the hate mail.) How would you call these Valentine's cards?

COMBEFERRE You're a Conservative Republican, and you've received hate mail from Liberals. That's a sign to you that you're doing your job right and that to you is a Valentine's Day card.

A Production Assistant walks over to PROUVAIRE and hands him a card before running back off. PROUVAIRE reads it.

PROUVAIRE Okay, guys? This is from the legal team. We really need to lay off the political jokes if we wanna keep this show going.

COURFEYRAC Okay, let's get back to the emergency at hand. Combeferre doesn't have a Valentine. This is serious!

COMBEFERRE It's not THAT serious.

COURFEYRAC It is to me! You need a love life, man! This whole…nerdy bookworm thing is unhealthy!

COMBEFERRE What's unhealthy about my lifestyle?

COURFEYRAC It's beginning to meddle into my love life! The last chick I brought home became too distracted with your Clive Cussler series!

COMBEFERRE (pause) How could she be distracted by something that's in my room? I thought you always use your room?

COURFEYRAC (quickly changing the subject) My point is, Combeferre, I worry about you. And deep down inside, I know you're feeling a little bit left out too, considering even Grantaire got a Valentine. (To GRANTAIRE) Who did you get yours from anyway?

GRANTAIRE Myself. (pause.) What? I was playing this drinking game and somehow it involved sending out V-Cards as a Dare.

COURFEYRAC Okay that didn't exactly help my case but-

COMBEFERRE Look, it's fine. I don't care that I didn't get a V-Day card. I really don't. I need to be focusing on my career anyway, love is just the cock block of success.

COMBEFERRE gets up and walks inside the house.

FEUILLY (Pause) Did he seriously just say cock block?

ENJOLRAS Congratulations, Courfeyrac. I had him the way I liked him for a good two minutes and now you corrupted him!

JOLY (Reading his card, then seeing it was addressed to LESGLES.) Oh sorry, Les! I must've gotten your card by accident. This one's from Musichetta.

LESGLES (Exchanging cards.) I got yours then!

JOLY (Reading his, then doing a double take on the signature.) Wait!

LESGLES Wait a minute!

BAHOREL What's the problem?

JOLY Our cards are both signed by Musichetta!

LESGLES What the heck!

GRANTAIRE Daayyyum! You mean she's polygamolistic?

They all look at Grantaire.

ENJOLRAS Feuilly, did you let him binge watch the Sherman Brothers films again?

FEUILLY I'm sorry! I had one film I needed to character study for an audition. I didn't think he'd find the whole stack!

JOLY Musichetta wrote both of us a V-Day card? I thought she and I were dating!

LESGLES I thought she and I were dating!

ENJOLRAS Did either of you two ever talk about your dating lives with each other?

JOLY It was only a couple of days ago. We went out Thursday night!

LESGLES What?! So did we?!

PROUVAIRE What is happening?

GRANTAIRE (reading his card) I don't know something about Shermans and Combeferre's cockblocking success and political correctness. "…to Grantaire. Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Grantaire!" Awe…I should send him a thank you text!

ENJOLRAS face palms.

PROUVAIRE Okay, it's quite obvious that she went out with both of you Thursday night. The best thing to do is to just confront her and ask her what the deal is, and then go from there!

GRANTAIRE's phone buzzes. He picks it up.

GRANTAIRE Awe! Grantaire just sent me a text! That's so nice of him!

BAHOREL (looking around.) I better get out of here! The craziness could be infectious!

BAHOREL leaves.

JOLY INFECTIOUS! OH GOD, Lesgles did you sleep with her? Or kiss her?!

LESGLES Well…yeah but I mean…

JOLY Oh god…I kissed her! On the mouth?! God I could have mouth STD's or something!

LESGLES Oh so you think that just because I kissed her means that you're infected?! What if it's the other way around?

JOLY Trust me! There's no way that could happen!

LESGLES What's that supposed to mean?!

COURFEYRAC Guys! Come on! We have more pressing matters at hand!

JOLY This isn't a pressing matter?

COURFEYRAC Yeah, yeah so your lady friend's exploring her options between you and your best friend we've all been there! Look, the point is, Combeferre is clearly not okay with not getting a V-Day card. I know this because when he said he has to focus on his career, we all know that's a load of crap because he substitutes at a high school. The guy needs to get laid!

EPONINE opens the door in the background from a distance.

ENJOLRAS Are you kidding, Courf? We all know he only has eyes for Eponine. We're already in the third episode and everybody knows that subplot's been established.

EPONINE stops and listens from a distance.

FEUILLY Yeah but that's practically going nowhere. Neither one of them are making a move. If I have to wait for a second or third season before something happens, I'll make a requisition to pull the show off of .

PROUVAIRE …and piss off a lot of people that are reading this fanfiction? No way! We should do something about this!

GRANTAIRE Should we just set the two of them up on a date?

EPONINE's face perks up.

COURFEYRAC Hold up! Combeferre's gonna be too preoccupied with thinking that there has to be some catch as to why he got the chance to go on a date with Eponine.

JOLY So…we don't set him up with 'Ponine?

EPONINE sinks back.

COURFEYRAC You didn't let me finish.

EPONINE perks up again.

COURFEYRAC We just need to take him out to a singles night.

EPONINE throws her hands up in the air.

PROUVAIRE Do you think it's coincidence that Valentine's Day falls on a weekend or is it because the ColonelTravis1836 has just gotten lazy?

COURFEYRAC Who cares? Let's gather up all of our single female friends and throw them into the melting pot with our good friend, the Guide.

ENJOLRAS Leave me out of this. He's my best friend and I want no part in getting him mixed in with your bad apples.

COURFEYRAC Hey! Do I look like I would get myself involved with bad apples?

ALL THE BOYS EXCEPT HIM Yes!

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SCENE 03: CORINTHE BAR

A large group of singles are mingling in the crowd. The Les Amis Gang soon enter minus COMBEFERRE and JOLY. MRS. HUCHELOUP is the manager.

COURFEYRAC Thanks for letting us setup this impromptu singles event, Mrs. H! You're awesome!

MRS. HUCHELOUP No problem at all! Anything to make sure that little Guide of ours gets some!

FEUILLY …Mrs. H, you're kind of like our second mother. Do you really need to say stuff like that?

COURFEYRAC I normally would agree, but this situation begs to differ. She does make a good point.

PROUVAIRE Courf, nothing ever gets by you morally does it?

COURFEYRAC shrugs his shoulders. LESGLES is seen with MUSICHETTA.

LESGLES I am so glad that you chose me over that hypochondriac, 'Chetta. You would've spent half of your time trying to convince him you can't get Ebola from missing laundry day by one minute.

MUSICHETTA (uncomfortable) Umm…I never said that…

LESGLES And I'm willing to bet it'll be impossible to have sex with him. If he so much as grabs onto your boobs, he's gonna get paranoid that he knocked you up.

MUSICHETTA Lesgles…

LESGLES Anyway, I'm gonna head over and get another drink. You want one?

MUSICHETTA (Stopping herself from expressing her feelings.) No I'm good.

LESGLES walks away from their table. COMBEFERRE and JOLY enter the front door.

COMBEFERRE (Pause) Joly, I thought you said there was a medical emergency here?

JOLY (Clearly distracted by MUSICHETTA. Spoken very quickly) Yeah I lied we're here to get you laid talk to you later bye!

JOLY runs off to MUSICHETTA. COMBEFERRE looks exasperated. COURFEYRAC approaches him.

COURFEYRAC There he is! My man, Renassaince 'Ferre! Comb-Ferry! My Commie!

COMBEFERRE …that last one sounded wrong.

COURFEYRAC Point made! Anyway, let me show you around!

They go off into the crowd.

JOLY I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to know that you're not going out with Lesgles the Luckless Looney!

MUSICHETTA Yeah…about that—

JOLY I mean…if you went out with him, you'll end up in a series of unfortunate circumstances.

MUSICHETTA (thinking.) Events?

JOLY Yes this is. (MUSICHETTA does a double take on what he said.) And don't get me started on intimacy. I bet you his condom will break before he even opens the drawer, his luck is so bad!

MUSICHETTA Joly before you go any-

JOLY I'm loving our talk! Listen, why don't you stay here and keep looking your sexy self, and I will get us some drinks!

JOLY walks away into the crowd. LESGLES emerges from the crowd.

LESGLES Honestly, can you imagine the service in this place! It is fantastic! Now what were we talking about?

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LIVING ROOM

EPONINE is on the phone while lying on the couch painting her nails.

EPONINE Yeah…yes Azelma! I know…well just flip a coin between you and Gavroche…okay, then do Rock Paper Scissors…Oh for crying out loud if it bothers you that much I'll order the pizza and choose the toppings myself!

EPONINE hangs up the phone. The doorbell rings. EPONINE looks up and looks back at her hands. She struggles to get up while trying to keep her nails dry and wobbles over to the door, indicating she's also done her toe nails. She opens the door and it is MONTPARNASSE

EPONINE (Rolling her eyes.) Hi, 'Parnasse.

MONTPARNASSE Hi, 'Ponine. Somebody threw this letter on my lawn, and I think it might be addressed to you? There's a lot of crossed out sentences inside/

EPONINE (takes the letter from him.) Wow it's actually unopened this time. What'd you do? Hold it up against a light?

MONTPARNASSE Are you kidding? Lights are for amateurs! I use steam!

EPONINE rolls her eyes and slams the door on MONTPARNASSE's face. She takes the letter and opens it up. It is a Valentine's Card. She recognizes the handwriting as COMBEFERRE's. There is a lot of words crossed out, but she is still able to read the context. She blushes and holds the card to her chest, before realizing her nails are stuck to the card.

EPONINE Aw Crap!

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CORINTHE BAR

COURFEYRAC and COMBEFERRE are sitting at tables next to each other. There is a line of single girls waiting to talk to COURFEYRAC.

COMBEFERRE I thought you said this was an attempt to get me lucky? This seems to be a political endorsement as candidate for the biggest playboy this State's ever seen.

COURFEYRAC In fairness, I was prohibited from inviting my female friends, these are all friends from the other roommates!

COMBEFERRE rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, JOLY and LESGLES both get drinks at the same time and approach the table where MUSICHETTA is sitting. They both stop in their tracks.

JOLY & LESGLES What are you doing here?! I asked you first! I'm getting 'Chetta a drink! That's what I'm doing!

MUSICHETTA Ugh! Guys! Stop! Let's all just sit down and talk about this!

JOLY and LESGLES glare at each other before getting an extra chair to sit with MUSICHETTA.

MUSICHETTA Listen, I know it's my fault that both of you guys got a V-Day card from me. But I didn't think anything of it at the time. You guys should know me by now! I'm wearing a leather skirt and my cleavage is really smoking tonight! It's pretty obvious that I'm a flirt!

JOLY So…do neither of us stand a chance with you?

LESGLES I should've figured something like this would happen. I usually never stand a chance.

JOLY does a so-so gesture indicating that he's not exactly denying LESGLES's statement.

MUSICHETTA Hey come on now! I never said neither of you stand a chance. But right now I'm just not really ready for a relationship. But I'm not shutting down either of you. Actually, does it even matter if both of you get a chance?

They both look at her.

MUSICHETTA Okay, I'm going to be blunt. Right now, I'm just looking for a Friends with Benefits kind of thing. Would it bother either of you if I let both of you be those "Friends"?

JOLY…you mean like a threesome?

MUSICHETTA (disgusted) Eww! What kind of a woman do you think I am! I have standards!

LESGLES looks at the camera bewildered. COURFEYRAC storms over and slaps LESGLES.

COURFEYRAC NO! Don't you even dare! That's my thing!

JOLY opens his mouth to object but COURFEYRAC walks away.

MUSICHETTA No what I mean is, would you two mind it if you took turns with me? I mean let's all admit I am hot. I really don't believe either of you would have a problem with taking turns on these (points to her chest.)

JOLY and LESGLES look at her chest, then at each other and slowly nod in agreement.

JOLY But who gets to tap that first?

LESGLES We could flip a coin for it.

JOLY Or a trivia challenge?

MUSICHETTA Or maybe I text both of you at different times. That way neither of you know who goes first?

JOLY and LESGLES nod and shake hands.

LESGLES Done deal! I am now in a polygamous friends with benefits thing.

JOLY Now I've seen everything.

On the other side of the room, COMBEFERRE gets up to go.

COURFEYRAC Wait where are you going?

COMBEFERRE Home, Courf. I hope you and the others have fun.

COURFEYRAC No wait, let me go. It isn't fair to you. I have no control over these girls.

COMBEFERRE Oh please, like you have a real problem with that!

COURFEYRAC Well on an emotional level I do have a problem with it. I'm just trying to vouch for you, 'Ferre! I worry about you.

COMBEFERRE Well stop worrying about me! I told you I'm not ready for this kind of thing. And if I was, this is not the way I want to go about it. I am not you, Courfeyrac. I have enough crap on my plate with my crappy job, my crappy salary, and my crappy self-esteem! The last thing I need is another category of crap that is meaningless hookups!

GRANTAIRE (looking up from his Jack Daniels glass.) With all that crap around, I wouldn't think that any hookups would be happening!

COMBEFERRE huffs and storms out of the bar.

PROUVAIRE Courf…in the future, it might be a good idea if you weren't in the room when we try to fix 'Ferre up with someone.

COURFEYRAC Aw come on! You guys have dates!

BAHOREL Yea. Dates that got up from our table and stood in line for yours!

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THE HOUSE

COMBEFERRE opens the front door and turns on the light. He is tired and disheartened. When he puts his keys on the hook he finds a sticky note on the wall. He picks it up and reads it.

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PATIO

There is a table set up with a small table piece of red roses, and two lit candles. On the table are a few Chinese containers. Eponine is standing there in a slim red dress. Her hair is curled and shiny. She has red lipstick on.

COMBEFERRE (Pause.) What's this?

EPONINE I found your letter, 'Ferre. Well…actually, 'Parnasse found it on his lawn. You must've not looked where you threw it out.

COMBEFERRE (Exasperated sigh) I'm sorry Eponine. I did intend to give you a Valentines card…but then I kept on screwing up in writing it and I didn't want to seem to awkward and stuff even though that's near impossible given who you're looking at…and at that point the card looked too messed up and-

EPONINE walks over to him while he's talking and kisses him on the lips.

EPONINE You know…you're really adorkable when you try to justify yourself. (COMBEFERRE blushes.) And it was really sweet of you to put in the effort. So when I got the card I decided to just…I don't know…return the favor. (gesturing to the table.) Eh…it's sort of last minute! I grabbed the table piece from the dining room and yanked a few roses from the Fauchelevants' garden from across the street…and I ordered Chinese because I didn't know when you'd be home and-

COMBEFERRE interrupts her by returning the kiss.

COMBEFERRE Honestly? Just being here with you is the perfect Valentine's gift for me.

EPONINE (smiling) Me too.

The two of them sit down and pour the wine.

COMBEFERRE Happy Valentine's Day.

EPONINE You too.

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THE NEXT MORNING: COMBEFERRE's BEDROOM

COMBEFERRE wakes up slowly, looks around and sees Eponine's head on his chest. He looks to the floor to find clothes scattered on the floor, and a used condom.

COMBEFERRE (pause) *CENSOR BEEP* me.